Send My Regards To...

Well a pretty strange, yet humorous thing happened to me this past Shabbos. Rabbi R. (who is originally from Chicago and moved here from Israel; so he has no local ties to this community) comes up to me and says that he has regards for me to give to my Grandfather. I just looked at him blankly. Surely he was not talking to me! You see I only have 1 Grandfather. My "Campbell" Grandfather is not only long deceased...but he never even lived in this country. So my mother's father does not have the same last name as me, and we surely don't look alike.

So I asked Rabbi R. to clarify. He said that Lee M. had regards to send to my Grandfather. Ok. Who is "Lee M." and, again, I highly doubt that either he or Rabbi R. know who my Grandfather is. I went on to tell Rabbi R. that he must be mistaken. Rabbi R. smirked a bit and said, "Look, your Grandfather cooks, right?" Yes, ok. "He takes the food over to auto shops over in Glassport, right?" Well, in all honesty, I don't have any clue about that. "Well Lee M. says there is this older Black man who cooks food for his guys and talks about how his granddaughter is becoming a Jew. Who else could it be?"

Ok, so now I know for sure that's my Grandfather. It already confirms my previous inklings that the both the Mon Valley and the Jewish world are just way too small!

Babies, Babies Everywhere

Ok, I am annoyed that the media is totally taking the bait in regares to this "octuplet woman". People are already talking about book deals, and TV appearances. No doubt if she goes on Oprah, she'll be set. I think her story of being a real-life Old Woman In A Shoe (although she's only 33 I believe) is a curiosity...but other than that, I fail to see what the big deal is.

In the frum community, families tend be huge -- on average; especially when you compare it with the American or European standards of "acceptable family size". It seems though, as if this was not always the case. Orthodox Jewish families of generations past seemed to be around half the size ( 4 or 5 children as opposed to the 8 or 10 you see in religious families today). I can't prove that...but it this is what I perceive. I have actually heard some frum people state that they feel a need to boost the Jewish population after the loss of 6 million Jews in the holocaust. Or maybe it's all part of the "shift to the right" where the main expectation of a young frum woman is to be a mother. Jews kvell at the thought of this; is it not permitted for non-religious of non-Jewish people to feel the same?

But I am not singling out the Jewish community; not in the least. This is more about recognizing a severe twist in values in regard to family size among the American citizenry. There is an interesting article on MSN.com, that touches on the stark contrast between the public reation to Nadya Suleman - single mother, low income (?) vs. the Duggar family - White Christians who are financially well-off. Of course having 14 children under the age on 7 is a big difference from having 18 children ranging from ages 20 to a few months. However there are plenty of parents where 1 child (of any age) is too many for them.

It is interesting that all of my grandparents come from large families (11, 8, 9 and 16 children respectively) and they were all quite poor (not "low-income" but poor). Yet no one in my more imediate family has a significant number of children. I have a second cousin who is 7 years older than me who has 5, and some of my family members feel she has lost her mind or something. I imagine that if I myself were to ever get married and start reproducing, my family's pleasure would start to wane at around child #3. I would probably be deemed insane at around child #6. Yet I have never been the type to let the standards of other dictate my choices in life. I also cannot bring myself to make statements such as, "I want a large family"...because if I am a single woman or married to an alcoholic or something (chas v'shalom) I don't want a brood of children running underfoot. However I am not going to stand in the way of my husband's responsibility of pru urvu simply because I don't want to get fat and suffer from backaches. Also people fail to understand just how much Hashem is involved in something as tricky as conception. I certainly feel that it's tricky enough to not want to introduce things like hormonal birth control into the mix.

I say it all the time, but maybe I am in fact "strange" since seeing exceptionally large families brings no feelings of resentment or great happiness for me. It just is what it is. Yes, those parents are sleep deprived, spending 80% of their income on child-related expenses. However they also receive immeasurable joy from seeing their offspring grow and thrive multiple times. Although I do not know from first hand experience, I could imagine that the experience of bringing a new human being into this world can be addicting. So besides the fact that Hashem has commanded men to procreate, it is not one of those commandments that is an unpleasant experience. So who is it that came up with this idea that children are some sort of curse?

Fair Changes

Over yontif, I had some good, frank conversations with Mrs. G.; in fact, I probably divulged things that I hadn't told another living soul -- at least not in person. I am glad that I got them out of my system, and I am glad that I have someone who won't judge me because of these things; thank G-d.

One of the things I spoke about is my family; which is all over the map religiously. My maternal grandparents are Pentecostal Xtians from the C.O.G.I.C. denomination. I am not intimately familiar with their doctrines; but they lie on the more conservative end of American Black churches. Both of my maternal grandparents' mothers were key members of their congregations (with my Grandfather's mother being one of the founders of the C.O.G.I.C. congregation in Clairton). Despite this, my mother (their daughter) is not religious at all. My father can loosely be described as a Rastafarian; although he's not too serious about it. If there could be a "Reform Jew" equivalent in Rastafarianism, he would be in that camp for sure. His mother was effectively nothing; although her parents were cultural Hindus. His father was killed when my father was pretty young, so I don't know if it matters, but he was Anglican. My father's two sisters went to Catholic schools and stuck with it, so they are Catholic. My father's middle daughter's mother was a convert to the Nation of Islam. When my sister was younger, she wore burkas. But after she split from the husband she was with, she "went off the derech". The only legacies today from that are that she knows Arabic and my sister has an Arabic name. Despite not practicing though, my sister is not Xtian, so I guess she's Muslim then. I have a set of cousins who are Baptists, another set that are Seventh Day Adventists, and yet another set that are J-Witnesses.

Although it seems crazy, it's really not. The vast majority of my family is not extra hard core devout about their faiths...and even so, they are very used to having these multiple faiths co-exist happily. My entire family is not aware of my decision to become a Jew; but from their standpoint, they could care very little. My auntie Daisy in Jamaica is so used to dealing with those of us who don't eat pork, who eat no meat, it's second nature that when we come to Jamaica she'll ask, "What's can't you have?". I've gone with some cousins to go to Diwali parties. My father, who doesn't decorate for X-mas wanted to put menorahs in the house. My sister used to call our father "Abu"...the Arabic word for father. My Grandmother does not pray for the salvation of my soul, because she knows that although I am not going to church, I'm still G-d fearing.

Yet although I am happy with this relationship between my family and myself, I do worry about how this relationship can be understood by others in the frum community. I actually know of a giyores who is in her early 60s, and has been Jewish for about 10 years. By the time she discovered Judaism, her children were already adults. Since then, they have had children and she does not see them as her "family" because a ger is a new person upon leaving the mikveh and is no longer "related" to their previous family. She subsequently has no relationship with her grandchildren. I am not judging this woman; I just would not be able to make my head work that way. She could be right; and I could be wrong. Who really knows?

For the vast majority of my life, my family has had limited close involvement in my life. The result has been this sort of freedom from any pre-set mold of what I should be. I myself have very few hangups regarding my previous faith or lifestyle. And I surely don't have any "bad blood" built up between me and my family.

I am a bit closer to my mother's daughters than my father's. The two of them are 13 and 19 respectively...and they are really amazing girls. The older one is very laid back and fashion-savvy. She was the cool, popular cheerleader in high school and likes to do hair and hang out with her boyfriend. I can tell her anything. She even came to a seder with me once (well she was 15 at the time; she declared that matzah tasted like crumbly, crunchy cardboard - she we let her put margarine on it). The younger one is a bit of an odd-ball (like me) and is more of an emotional firecracker. But she's one funny cookie, and I love toting her around with me whenever I go somewhere.

Now it's no secret I don't sport the "Boro Park" frum look. I'll put on a long denim skirt and a Steeler sweatshirt and not even blink about it. My sisters on the other hand wear either high heels, printed socks, tank tops, off-the shoulder tops...whatever. I am not embarrassed to be seen with them, just like they aren't embarrassed by the clothes I wear. So I have no desire to ask them to change; even if it comes to a point where I have them over for Shabbos; or have them in my wedding (IY"H), or even around my children (IY"H).

Beyond Teshuva had an interesting post regarding the exposure of frum children [of BTs] to their secular cousins. Now these are BTs; people who were not religious themselves at some point. The vast majority were vehemently against the interaction/exposure. Now; chunich is a very, very important thing in Torah observant Judaism. But what was disturbing was the underlying recurring theme that frum Jewish children and teenagers need to be "protected" from their family members...just because they are not frum. Some may argue that I am an adult, therefore I am less susceptible to these negative influences that could lead me astray. However, when I was a child, I was exposed to all sorts of things that I did not take to heart. I attribute that to my Grandmother; who instilled in me to importance of being a decent woman and holding a reverence and love for the Creator. To contrast, I was strongly attracted to Judaism several years before I met any Jews.

So I worry that my tolerance for my family may be seen as something that it is not; dabbling with non-Jewish doctrines and trying to "hang on" to a former lifestyle. Of course, I fully respect halacha and the sensitive issue of tznius and kedusha (separation) and why it is necessary. But they (my family) are not Torah observant Jews, and I'm not going to pretend that they are. That does not minimize the love I still have for them. It is one thing to request that their tops have sleeves and full backs; then to be there and be flabbergasted that they are wearing skirts about their knees with no stockings, and honey-colored hair weaves. I chose to convert; not them. They should not be compromised for that choice, and they should be able to celebrate with me or even just be able to spend time with me...just they way they are.

3rd Great-Grandaughter of Charles Jones

And who is "Charles Jones"? Charles Jones was a slave - born around 1825 and in 1870 (the earliest census he could be found on) was living in Flat Creek Township in Lancaster County, SC with his wife, Phillis.

I found this out this past weekend. It was the 3rd annual Jones Family Reunion and they were holding it up here, in Pennsylvania this time. I could not attend the bulk of the events (like the church service in the church my great-grandmother founded or the dinner/banquet thing). But I did go to the picnic this past Sunday at Renziehausen Park. That's where I got a t-shirt, a family history book, and a name tag that read "3rd Great-Grandaughter" while my Grandfather (who got $25 for being the oldest family member there) got a name tag that read "Great-Grandson".

I did not know the reference point at all. Until I started reading the book. Charles Jones had 10 children; most of them, we have no idea about. Charles Jones, Jr. was his 5th child and was my Great-Grandmother's father. Here's my Great-Grandmother, Lillie:
At some point, she moved from Monroe, NC (Anna Blakeney, her mother moved there after her husband died) to Clairton, PA. Her twins, Mary & Martha were born in Union County, NC in 1924, and my Grandfather, Robert was born in Clairton in 1927.

So the reason why I bring this up is because I was asked this past Shabbos about what my family thinks about my choice to become a Jew. Never do I get the impression that this question is asked out of anything but genuine concern and curiosity. However, I often times wonder just how I should answer that question; without sounding trite. The average Black American family has a slew of other, much more pressing concerns regarding their children -- outside of their choice of religion. Black parents have to deal with a sea of negative influences in their community that can pull their children into teenage pregnancy, crime, substance abuse, and overall hopelessness and lack of faith in leading a productive life. I am surely not saying that White American families do not have these problems to deal with. It is just that for many more Black families...these issues hit closer to home.

During the OU's Tisha B'Av presentation, Rabbi Weinreb talked a bit about a class he gave to non-Jews; and mentioned that there were several Black women in this class. And he said, "...like many Black women, they knew their bible very well.". I mean it was just a quick blurb...but I wonder what his experience were that prompted that comment?

I have also heard it said that Black people are very "spiritual"...whatever that means. I guess I would agree that I do not know of that many (maybe no) Black atheists. I do not proscribe to blanket statements...but I have seriously never heard of a Black family disowning a child because they became a Muslim or a Buddhist or anything of the sort. Now they will talk about you until no end...but they will still consider you family. Unless you owe them money; then they will not need to disown you, because you will mysteriously disappear from off the face of the earth...

In spite of all these religious underpinnings of the Black community...I must admit that I avoid a lot of opposition on the basis of ignorance. Most Black people know very, (very) little about bona-fide, Torah observant Judaism. I also see no real need to educate them on it. You hear talk in the media about all of this Black antisemitism...but I do not buy it for a second. #1 - the Black community at large is not practicing the same type of Xtianity that incorporated anti-Jewish sentiments. #2 - Many Black Americans are just anti-everything; in that they have some axe to bury with anyone who is not Black.

Anyway, back to my own family, I feel like we are a sea of question marks...with little tokens of our past...but mainly focused on the future. The Scotts (the family that did the bulk of the genealogical research) did a lot of work to just find the information regarding these past 5 generations. Growing up, my family always just "stopped" with those members who migrated up North. Now I don't know how many people are in this book...maybe 400-500 -- but that is really just the decedents of two of Charles Jone's children and about 5 of his Grandchildren. And by far, it's just a list of names, birth dates and places (my great-aunt Estelle, Lillie's sister, was properly noted as having had died in Israel in 1971). What are the stories behind those names? I know there is a cousin, Tiffany Glenn, that married Plaxico Burress (wide receiver who played in the last Super Bowl) and there apparently are some cousins in Philadelphia who became Muslims (names are Shaheed, Nadirah, Taalib and Sameerah Shabazz). Only G-d knows where the rest of us ended up...or will end up in life.

I wish I knew a bit more about the Kabbalistic explanation of yichus. I mean what on earth type of yichus do you have when you are descended from a piece of property (or 1/4 of a human being or whatever the US government regarded slaves as back then)? Not that I even entertain notions of inferiority; I would hope to take on the yichus of Avraham v'Sarah. However it sort of puts in perspective the influence a birth family ultimately yields on the life of gerim -- curiously, very little.

*Note - re-reading this, I can see how this can be interpreted as me not being proud of my family. Nothing could be further from the truth. However I do not feel, nor does my family feel, pressure to adhere to any sort of family legacies...