The Birds & The Bees

I have sort of wrestled on how to write about this; but hey, I need to get it off of my chest (I intend absolutely no puns in this entry!) so to speak. A couple of weeks ago, I came across the Calm Kallahs forum and I've been reading through it in silent, mild horror. The premise of the forum's creation is a good one; Orthodox Jewish kallahs have a place to exchange information and vent a bit. From observation, I think few things can be as stressful as a religious Jewish wedding. Not only must you get a wedding together in an impossibly short period of time, but you are also dealing with getting a crash course in male-female emotional dynamics and sex. And from I see on Calm Kallahs, I really wonder if all that many actually "get it".

Now I should clarify; I am not criticizing the frum marriage process or it's chances at success, chas v'shalom. No doubt, observant Jewish married couples fare much better than their secular counterpoints. What I am focusing on here are the misconceptions regarding sex and the emotional aspects of the marriage relationship. From my point of view, even after 4 years in the frum community, I have no idea of how "intimate matters" get discussed in a frum family. From the Calm Kallahs forum, and also a friend of mine in Florida who taught "kallah classes" and admitted that many of the women were just so embarrassed to even deal with the requirements; I guess that it is not discussed too much.

My sex education (and I really hope this will not reflect as "oh look at how untznius Miss S. is!" since what is past is past) consisted early on as my Grandmother telling me that if any boy tried to touch my private areas or tried to take off my clothing, I was to run away since he was undoubtedly evil. In my Xtian home, I got the general impression that sex was sinful and of course I never witnessed any type of physical intimacies (not even kisses or hand holding) between my Grandparents. My Grandfather likes to stretch the truth/exaggerate, but he once admitted to me that after my mother was born, there just wasn't any more sex [between them]. What is true is that my mother was a colicy baby and my Grandmother had a hysterectomy in her late 30s (she was 47 when I was born). My Grandmother, being a very religious Christian probably honestly saw no point in sex since she was obviously done with children (this differs from the Jewish view of sex considerably of course).

No one spoke to me specifically about the basis, but we had a lot of books in our house including Our Bodies, Ourselves which had a very feminist slant (even had chapters on lesbianism) and plenty of illustrations that left nothing up to the imagination. So by age 10 or 11 maybe, I pretty much understood the mechanics of sex. It wasn't until high school when they presented sex education (presented by Planned Parenthood) that I learned anything else. By that point, about 1/4 of my class had already had some sort of sexual encounter. I on the other hand, ended up graduating high school without having ever gone on a date with (much less kissed) a boy.

Even though I was "odd" and a "late bloomer" by secular standards; I always had friends of both sexes who would have very frank sexual discussions with. Looking back however, just the conversations with my female friends would had sufficed. Now I never sat in on a kallah class, but I somehow do not picture the same depth of conversation that I had with my female friends in college.  Now if you compare this to how I am now, pretty much shomer negia (I do touch men in professional settings for handshakes), and sex is no longer a recreational sport.  However, there are frum women who I am friendly with, that I think I could absolutely sit down and have frank conversations with (on the topic of sex).  This seems to be normal and natural and I don't really see how such shouldn't be regarded as tznius.

Now several years ago, I discovered Nishmat, which is a thorough, helpful resource for information regarding taharas hamishpacha.  Its antithesis is Calm Kallahs.  So you see, for me, it is not about having the need to ask questions and need some guidance in regards to sex -- the Torah observant community thrives on the freedom to ask questions!  But rather the problem is unhealthy means in which the subject is thought about and handled.  When it comes to questions such as, "Can I get pregnant if I'm on top and my husband is on the bottom?", there is no reason why you can't ask that question to someone you are close to in your family or a friend.  I would be incredibly saddened if I found out my daughter or sister posted such a question on the internet to get an answer instead of coming to me.  The popularity of such questions reveal that too many Jews are regarding sex as a "dirty little secret" when really that is not the case at all.  What kind of impression is given about the frum community that we choose not to place any sort of emphasis on healthy sexuality?

"In Da Club"

Well I tried to pull some lyrics from the 50 Cent song; but they were so horrendous (I mean they really, really are!) I trashed the idea. I decided to still keep the title though :-).

There has been some back and forth on some e-mail lists this week regarding "Modern Orthodox hypocrisy" (my term, not theirs) and going out to "bars and clubs" and another situation where a woman is 5 months pregnant with the child of her "Modern Orthodox" boyfriend and is not interested in becoming Modern Orthodox herself. The common strain between these situations is that Modern Orthodox is being equated with being something less than a frum (by frum, I mean shomer mitzvot) Jew.

This bothers me so much (ok, so this is a bit of an understatement). Don't get me wrong, I have been outside of Modern Orthodox...in both directions. Some of the first Orthodox Jews who mentored me were Yeshivish-type Jews. These individuals made me fall in love with Yiddishkeit and gave me the courage to come to terms with my relationship with Hashem. It was in that environment, in that very intense atmosphere of devotion to frumkeit, where I truly internalized the life and manner of a Torah-observant Jew. I aligned myself without reserve for a year or so to this community. I did not make the switch to Modern Orthodox because of observance issues; but rather socially, I had to admit that as a 26 year old single Black female, my place in the Yeshivish community would be limited.

However, when I came over to Modern Orthodoxy, I was pleasantly surprised that it really fit me like a glove. There was more diversity (not only ethnic diversity, but social and economic diversity as well). I once heard from someone outside of the MO spectrum, that being Modern Orthodox is a quandary; and I would not disagree with that. However I do not think it is a negative trait. The relationship that we have with Hashem is subject to the myriad of approaches and difficulties that relationships with other human beings pose. Spirituality is not a one-size-fits-all deal.

Back to the opening issues, I guess, in being a non-Jew, I lack the level of sensitivity of being weary of non-Jewish forces; and perhaps I also acknowledge that interaction between religious Jews and their alien surroundings is a good thing -- in spite of what tragic consequences may result (such as the pregnancy). I feel that the non-Jewish world presents a lot of beauty, talent, and culture. There is nothing there that I care to take personal ownership of, but I enjoy the exposure.

So here you have "certain individuals" who are absolutely abusing and destroying the term Modern Orthodox in order to justify their bad behavior. If you are lacking in your yiras h'shamayim, then fine. But don't reach for Modern Orthodoxy to justify this. On the flip side, don't equate the things that Modern Orthodox Jews may do with having a lack of yiras h'shamayim. So here's each issue individually.

In regards to bars & clubs: anyone who has gone out on the town more than a few times realizes that not all bars and clubs are created equal. You have neighborhood dives, posh VIP clubs, indie rock bars, sports bars, jazz clubs, etc., etc. I admit, in most bars and clubs, I do not feel totally comfortable; particularly if I go all by myself. However I do not hesitate if invited by friends (who are religious or respectful of the fact I am religious) or if there is a particular band or musician I wish to see perform. Also although there is a TV where I am staying now, for years I didn't have one; and I have to practically put in a written request to actually watch the one where I am now, so sports bars don't bother me. It is a bit of an annoyance to put yourself out there as a woman and made subject to random prepositions. But I am a pro when it comes to waving those off.

(Now that Facebook is on the scene, people can stalk you and draw all sort of inaccurate conclusions about you based on some very one-dimensional information. A picture may be worth a thousand words, but there is nothing to say that those words are true. I could post a picture with myself and my uncle with his arm around me {my uncle looks 100% South Asian...although he is actually 75%} and it would ignite a firestorm in people's minds. This demonstrates that there is this "test" of Jewishness that involves primarily superficial things...such as the background of where you took a picture; somewhere, once-upon-a-time.)

In regards to the pre-maritial sex/sex with a non-Jew thing: let's keep it real here. Any committed Jew would not even "go there". I am not even a Jew, yet I am committed to a Torah observant lifestyle that has no room for intimate couplings done "just for fun". And if it's done outside of marriage...then I am sorry, but it is "just for fun". If you are so much in love, then go an get married. And since Orthodox Judaism has no way of recognizing marriage between a Jew and a non-Jew, then leave the fold and be married in secular terms (simultaneously owning the fact that you no longer proscribe to a life directed by Torah). In fact, there are plenty of non-religious and certainly non-Jewish people who are saving themselves for marriage. It may be frustrating; but so are paying taxes. But the true tragedy of this situation is not so much a Jew fathering a child with a non-Jew (he's not the first...definitely will not be the last), but rather he is maintaining that he is a Modern Orthodox Jew and desires his girlfriend to join him in this sham.

Orthodox Judaism, in any "flavor" is not about making it out to be whatever your little heart desires. It is a comprehensive approach to how a Jew should relate to Hashem; and then function on this earth as a member of the covenant Am Yisrael has with Hashem. The culture, chumrot, and social patterns are just bonuses. This desire to redefine what Orthodox Judaism is brings about the danger of real Orthodox Jews being ousted; and fake Orthodox Jews taking the spotlight. My fear is that we will replicate what the non-Orthodox Jewish movements have done, and totally lose sight what Judaism is all together.