G-d is not my "friend"

Well I've been sort of drawn into a stalemate in some discussions with some individuals on the OCJ Yahoo group. Ironically, I decided to offer my opinion because of feelings that came about from reading the discussions of my Xtian peers in my religious studies class. Here's how the issue was originally presented (as a question from someone else on the OCJ list):

I was listening to an online class about how Jews view G-d and the Rabbi said that converts come to him all the time saying they feel G-d's presence in their lives and converting to Judaism is what G-d wants them to do. Then he said that that is totally against Judaism's view on G-d. To believe that G-d's presence is in your life is idolatry because G-d is so far above humans that you can't be close to him and no one knows what G-d wants and to believe that is to make G-d in your image.

Now I can totally understand where this Rabbi is coming from (a YU rabbi apparently). But somehow this notion came under fire and interpreted that "Jews do not maintain a close personal relationship with G-d." Several group members commented that they believe in divine intervention in life, that they feel that Hashem cares about them, that they turn to Hashem in their time of need. I do/feel these things as well! I just do not cheapen HaKadosh Baruch Hu to being a simple "friend"; even if it will help me to relate to him.

Maybe this is why chassidim is not the path for me...which I am perfectly fine with. Let me back up for a minute though. A central tenet of Xtianity is that G-d manifested himself (or a version of himself) in a human form. Growing up as a child in a Xtian Sunday school, I remember singing a song where the lyrics included, "...he walks with me, he talks with me..."; now I don't remember if it was J.C. or G-d that was being referred to. However, I am pretty sure that no Jewish children are being taught such a song, and with good reason. The essence of the Creator should not be casually referred to. Jews place themselves into a certain state to approach him. If this is not true, why do we take three steps forward before starting the Shomoneh Esrei? Why do men visit the mikveh before Yom Kippur? Why do we ensure to be fully clothed and presentable before uttering any tefillot with G-d's name? Why not just pray in my undies? Hey, I have no hangups letting my close female friends see me in my undies.

Xtians build awesome churches to help the create the feeling of awe of being in G-d presence. While there are extravagant synagogues as well, churches have these specific purpose. Once outside the church, Xtians are released from "the awesomeness" and G-d becomes a constant companion. Like an imaginary friend, only those who acknowledge him get to reap the benefits. I'm sorry, but I have never heard a Jew say, "I'm so glad that I have G-d in my life." G-d is in everyone's life! The Jew, the gentile, the bears running in the woods, etc.

Before this rabbi even brought it up, it has bothered me in the past whenever I hear a gentile who decides to convert to Judaism say, "this is what G-d wants for me..."; it's like, no, this is what you want. That's the true beauty of this life. Hashem has infused us with free choice, gives us the ability to acquire and process knowledge, and makes opportunities. Maybe I am wrong, but I would rather not believe in the notion that Hashem is a puppetmaster who controls the world absolutely. Hashem is a provider, who has entrusted us with his creation and given us a tool (the Torah) to tap into a higher spiritual plane (if we want to).

Where to End -- Where to Begin

So I read this amazing post on a Simple Jew's blog; and I kid you not...the last two mornings I have been thinking about this. But I never dreamed I would actually be writing about this...but here I go...

My davening is a problem. I do not know when it happened or how it happened. Well; I guess that is not entirely true. I was not really davening on a daily basis when I was in the hospital. When I was released...I was re-united with the interlinear siddur my Hebrew teacher gave me. For some reason, it confused me and tripped me up a couple times. In between pain and therapy and no sort of set schedule...my daily tefillah schedule came totally off track. I used the excuse that I was a woman and...whatever...what I say is what I could say. G-d would understand.

But the yetzer hara is such a slick little bugger -- a little turns into a lot, and before I knew it I was down to the Shema and the Amida - sans any extra brachot - sans any special attention that I was saying each and every word. What a long, sad cry from how I would stand viewing the morning outside my patio window...with careful consideration and attention given to HKBH all the way from Brachot H'shachar to Aleinu...to a thoughful Birkat Hamazon....to a Shema al Hamittah said without dozing off/zoning out.

You would think (and I am disappointed that) when things turn to be tough, you develop more kavannah and a stronger bond with Hashem. Unfortunately I am sad to say that I let emotional hurt and other various difficulties hover like a cloud which just blocked out my spiritual connection. In the grand scheme of things...there was no reason for that. Despite my own lack of acknowledgment, I have still received many brachos during this time. My life, my ability to return to college (finally!), my understanding job and modest insurance settlements (that appropriately were just enough to take care of my needs at the time), as well as being placed in an environment that is much healthier for my emotional well being.

When you are coming from being a secular individual...and moving towards being a Torah-observant Jew, you have a lot of different milestones and measuring sticks were you must mark your progress. Sometimes it seems hopelessly easy -- other times you just can't understand why you just plateau. Then there are situations like this where you slip and you need to backtrack and do it all over again basically...

So 2 weeks ago I brought a small Ohel Sarah (Women's) Artscroll Siddur. It's a much more use able format. I am back to allotting anywhere from 30 to 45 minutes for davening in the morning. I make a conscious effort to go to bed as opposed to "falling" into bed from exhaustion. It's time to make tefillah a priority again; I just wish for Hashem to bear with me while I sort out all the logistics.