"In Da Club"

Well I tried to pull some lyrics from the 50 Cent song; but they were so horrendous (I mean they really, really are!) I trashed the idea. I decided to still keep the title though :-).

There has been some back and forth on some e-mail lists this week regarding "Modern Orthodox hypocrisy" (my term, not theirs) and going out to "bars and clubs" and another situation where a woman is 5 months pregnant with the child of her "Modern Orthodox" boyfriend and is not interested in becoming Modern Orthodox herself. The common strain between these situations is that Modern Orthodox is being equated with being something less than a frum (by frum, I mean shomer mitzvot) Jew.

This bothers me so much (ok, so this is a bit of an understatement). Don't get me wrong, I have been outside of Modern Orthodox...in both directions. Some of the first Orthodox Jews who mentored me were Yeshivish-type Jews. These individuals made me fall in love with Yiddishkeit and gave me the courage to come to terms with my relationship with Hashem. It was in that environment, in that very intense atmosphere of devotion to frumkeit, where I truly internalized the life and manner of a Torah-observant Jew. I aligned myself without reserve for a year or so to this community. I did not make the switch to Modern Orthodox because of observance issues; but rather socially, I had to admit that as a 26 year old single Black female, my place in the Yeshivish community would be limited.

However, when I came over to Modern Orthodoxy, I was pleasantly surprised that it really fit me like a glove. There was more diversity (not only ethnic diversity, but social and economic diversity as well). I once heard from someone outside of the MO spectrum, that being Modern Orthodox is a quandary; and I would not disagree with that. However I do not think it is a negative trait. The relationship that we have with Hashem is subject to the myriad of approaches and difficulties that relationships with other human beings pose. Spirituality is not a one-size-fits-all deal.

Back to the opening issues, I guess, in being a non-Jew, I lack the level of sensitivity of being weary of non-Jewish forces; and perhaps I also acknowledge that interaction between religious Jews and their alien surroundings is a good thing -- in spite of what tragic consequences may result (such as the pregnancy). I feel that the non-Jewish world presents a lot of beauty, talent, and culture. There is nothing there that I care to take personal ownership of, but I enjoy the exposure.

So here you have "certain individuals" who are absolutely abusing and destroying the term Modern Orthodox in order to justify their bad behavior. If you are lacking in your yiras h'shamayim, then fine. But don't reach for Modern Orthodoxy to justify this. On the flip side, don't equate the things that Modern Orthodox Jews may do with having a lack of yiras h'shamayim. So here's each issue individually.

In regards to bars & clubs: anyone who has gone out on the town more than a few times realizes that not all bars and clubs are created equal. You have neighborhood dives, posh VIP clubs, indie rock bars, sports bars, jazz clubs, etc., etc. I admit, in most bars and clubs, I do not feel totally comfortable; particularly if I go all by myself. However I do not hesitate if invited by friends (who are religious or respectful of the fact I am religious) or if there is a particular band or musician I wish to see perform. Also although there is a TV where I am staying now, for years I didn't have one; and I have to practically put in a written request to actually watch the one where I am now, so sports bars don't bother me. It is a bit of an annoyance to put yourself out there as a woman and made subject to random prepositions. But I am a pro when it comes to waving those off.

(Now that Facebook is on the scene, people can stalk you and draw all sort of inaccurate conclusions about you based on some very one-dimensional information. A picture may be worth a thousand words, but there is nothing to say that those words are true. I could post a picture with myself and my uncle with his arm around me {my uncle looks 100% South Asian...although he is actually 75%} and it would ignite a firestorm in people's minds. This demonstrates that there is this "test" of Jewishness that involves primarily superficial things...such as the background of where you took a picture; somewhere, once-upon-a-time.)

In regards to the pre-maritial sex/sex with a non-Jew thing: let's keep it real here. Any committed Jew would not even "go there". I am not even a Jew, yet I am committed to a Torah observant lifestyle that has no room for intimate couplings done "just for fun". And if it's done outside of marriage...then I am sorry, but it is "just for fun". If you are so much in love, then go an get married. And since Orthodox Judaism has no way of recognizing marriage between a Jew and a non-Jew, then leave the fold and be married in secular terms (simultaneously owning the fact that you no longer proscribe to a life directed by Torah). In fact, there are plenty of non-religious and certainly non-Jewish people who are saving themselves for marriage. It may be frustrating; but so are paying taxes. But the true tragedy of this situation is not so much a Jew fathering a child with a non-Jew (he's not the first...definitely will not be the last), but rather he is maintaining that he is a Modern Orthodox Jew and desires his girlfriend to join him in this sham.

Orthodox Judaism, in any "flavor" is not about making it out to be whatever your little heart desires. It is a comprehensive approach to how a Jew should relate to Hashem; and then function on this earth as a member of the covenant Am Yisrael has with Hashem. The culture, chumrot, and social patterns are just bonuses. This desire to redefine what Orthodox Judaism is brings about the danger of real Orthodox Jews being ousted; and fake Orthodox Jews taking the spotlight. My fear is that we will replicate what the non-Orthodox Jewish movements have done, and totally lose sight what Judaism is all together.

Fair Changes

Over yontif, I had some good, frank conversations with Mrs. G.; in fact, I probably divulged things that I hadn't told another living soul -- at least not in person. I am glad that I got them out of my system, and I am glad that I have someone who won't judge me because of these things; thank G-d.

One of the things I spoke about is my family; which is all over the map religiously. My maternal grandparents are Pentecostal Xtians from the C.O.G.I.C. denomination. I am not intimately familiar with their doctrines; but they lie on the more conservative end of American Black churches. Both of my maternal grandparents' mothers were key members of their congregations (with my Grandfather's mother being one of the founders of the C.O.G.I.C. congregation in Clairton). Despite this, my mother (their daughter) is not religious at all. My father can loosely be described as a Rastafarian; although he's not too serious about it. If there could be a "Reform Jew" equivalent in Rastafarianism, he would be in that camp for sure. His mother was effectively nothing; although her parents were cultural Hindus. His father was killed when my father was pretty young, so I don't know if it matters, but he was Anglican. My father's two sisters went to Catholic schools and stuck with it, so they are Catholic. My father's middle daughter's mother was a convert to the Nation of Islam. When my sister was younger, she wore burkas. But after she split from the husband she was with, she "went off the derech". The only legacies today from that are that she knows Arabic and my sister has an Arabic name. Despite not practicing though, my sister is not Xtian, so I guess she's Muslim then. I have a set of cousins who are Baptists, another set that are Seventh Day Adventists, and yet another set that are J-Witnesses.

Although it seems crazy, it's really not. The vast majority of my family is not extra hard core devout about their faiths...and even so, they are very used to having these multiple faiths co-exist happily. My entire family is not aware of my decision to become a Jew; but from their standpoint, they could care very little. My auntie Daisy in Jamaica is so used to dealing with those of us who don't eat pork, who eat no meat, it's second nature that when we come to Jamaica she'll ask, "What's can't you have?". I've gone with some cousins to go to Diwali parties. My father, who doesn't decorate for X-mas wanted to put menorahs in the house. My sister used to call our father "Abu"...the Arabic word for father. My Grandmother does not pray for the salvation of my soul, because she knows that although I am not going to church, I'm still G-d fearing.

Yet although I am happy with this relationship between my family and myself, I do worry about how this relationship can be understood by others in the frum community. I actually know of a giyores who is in her early 60s, and has been Jewish for about 10 years. By the time she discovered Judaism, her children were already adults. Since then, they have had children and she does not see them as her "family" because a ger is a new person upon leaving the mikveh and is no longer "related" to their previous family. She subsequently has no relationship with her grandchildren. I am not judging this woman; I just would not be able to make my head work that way. She could be right; and I could be wrong. Who really knows?

For the vast majority of my life, my family has had limited close involvement in my life. The result has been this sort of freedom from any pre-set mold of what I should be. I myself have very few hangups regarding my previous faith or lifestyle. And I surely don't have any "bad blood" built up between me and my family.

I am a bit closer to my mother's daughters than my father's. The two of them are 13 and 19 respectively...and they are really amazing girls. The older one is very laid back and fashion-savvy. She was the cool, popular cheerleader in high school and likes to do hair and hang out with her boyfriend. I can tell her anything. She even came to a seder with me once (well she was 15 at the time; she declared that matzah tasted like crumbly, crunchy cardboard - she we let her put margarine on it). The younger one is a bit of an odd-ball (like me) and is more of an emotional firecracker. But she's one funny cookie, and I love toting her around with me whenever I go somewhere.

Now it's no secret I don't sport the "Boro Park" frum look. I'll put on a long denim skirt and a Steeler sweatshirt and not even blink about it. My sisters on the other hand wear either high heels, printed socks, tank tops, off-the shoulder tops...whatever. I am not embarrassed to be seen with them, just like they aren't embarrassed by the clothes I wear. So I have no desire to ask them to change; even if it comes to a point where I have them over for Shabbos; or have them in my wedding (IY"H), or even around my children (IY"H).

Beyond Teshuva had an interesting post regarding the exposure of frum children [of BTs] to their secular cousins. Now these are BTs; people who were not religious themselves at some point. The vast majority were vehemently against the interaction/exposure. Now; chunich is a very, very important thing in Torah observant Judaism. But what was disturbing was the underlying recurring theme that frum Jewish children and teenagers need to be "protected" from their family members...just because they are not frum. Some may argue that I am an adult, therefore I am less susceptible to these negative influences that could lead me astray. However, when I was a child, I was exposed to all sorts of things that I did not take to heart. I attribute that to my Grandmother; who instilled in me to importance of being a decent woman and holding a reverence and love for the Creator. To contrast, I was strongly attracted to Judaism several years before I met any Jews.

So I worry that my tolerance for my family may be seen as something that it is not; dabbling with non-Jewish doctrines and trying to "hang on" to a former lifestyle. Of course, I fully respect halacha and the sensitive issue of tznius and kedusha (separation) and why it is necessary. But they (my family) are not Torah observant Jews, and I'm not going to pretend that they are. That does not minimize the love I still have for them. It is one thing to request that their tops have sleeves and full backs; then to be there and be flabbergasted that they are wearing skirts about their knees with no stockings, and honey-colored hair weaves. I chose to convert; not them. They should not be compromised for that choice, and they should be able to celebrate with me or even just be able to spend time with me...just they way they are.

Mutabaruka on "Religious Hard Talk"

This segment was pretty interesting (there's a lot of parts). It was supposed to be a discussion, but really it was a dialogue with Mutabaruka going on and on. However, he raises some good points against Christianity. But the opening sheds greater light on just how misguided Rastafarians can be when he declares that he does not believe in the supernatural. In another segment, he discussed how he never smoked marijuana and also how it is the culture, and not the doctrine of Rastafarianism which perpetuates them. This is interesting, in that I do not think Christians feel this way. He also discusses (in another segment) how the food you eat, and also the material of the clothes you wear can limit you spiritually. But somehow you do not need G-d? Hmmmmm....



Both men do a pretty good job at exposing the fallacies of both faiths. I wish American TV had shows like this!

Hello Again Tishrei, We Meet Again

Yom Kippur is one of those holidays that all Jews seem to be acutely aware of, even if they do not observe it. For years, I took special note of Yom Kippur -- seeing it as a time to look at your spiritual reflection. And it has always been a holiday that I looked forward to. A time when I could devote an entire day to nothing but a "heart-to-heart" with my Creator.

Somehow that feeling has changed; and I am a bit more fearful of Yom Kippur this time around. Last year, Yom Kippur was on September 21-22. I do not remember the details of all of last Tishrei, but I am sure I davened with a heart full of repentence, hope, gratitude and humility. At least I tried to. But then, about a month later, I had my car accident; and it just turned my life completely upside down.

Who can say (no one?) that my car accident was or was not a product of my tefillos last Tishrei? One thing that was decreed, which I am ever so thankful for, is that I was allotted at least one more year of life. On top of that, things could have been so much worse than what they turned out to be. But now Tishrei is here again, and not only am I davening for life and brachas, and all that sort of stuff; but I am also davening to be spared from Hashem sending any more drastic "signs" my way. I mean I do not even know if my accident was a "sign" or anything like that. And I do not ask "Why me?", but rather "What was wrong?". My "old life" was effectively taken away from me so quickly. It seemed to be working out ok for me...for my neshama. I had finally made friends in the Jewish community and I seemed to be progressing towards conversion very soon. But somehow it was not meant to be.

Of course, feelings change over time. I remember that while I was in the hospital, I was in an unnaturally good mood given my condition. Despite having no family or friends around to come visit on a regular basis, I did not feel alone because I was acutely aware that G-d was always with me. In addition to that, many of my stresses were relieved -- thanks to a decent job, and a bit of insurance money, and the opportunity to go back to school. But as the months passed by, I lost some of my resolve, and it started to sink in that my body is now "damaged goods" so to speak. I lost touch with many people in FL; I stopped seeing much physical improvement and hearing encouragement from the doctor; my overall health and appearance has suffered. After saying Modeh Ani, I walk as if my bones are frozen. I am not in constant pain, B"H, but I am almost always uncomfortable to some degree.

So hopefully Hashem will forgive me, but I can't help but to wonder what I could have done; where I could have made a mistake, for this to happen. By saying this, I am not freely admitting that I do not fully appreciate having my life spared. They say you never miss the water until the well runs dry; and my well of Yiddishkeit has really run low. I miss seeing the streets of NMB fill up with Jews on a Friday night. I miss calling up my friends to get an update on the shiurim for the week. I miss my Sunday morning tehillim group. I even miss Rabbi R.'s praises for the Bush administration's support of Israel.

My life is currently a bittersweet tonic; in that what I have found in PA is more resolve and more welcoming people in the Jewish community here. On the other hand, I am slightly horrified at how much I have forgotten by not doing a full 9 months of anything. For example, I packed my comb in my overnight bag for Yontif and then used it to take out my french braid from the 1st day of Yontif and fix my hair a different way. Only when I got home and started to unpack my bag did I look at the comb and think, "Hmmm now this is something I don't pack for Shabbos....so is combing prohibited on Yontif?". It did not take to long to confirm that it was. I am disappointed that I did not remember that, but even more frustrated that I have many seforim that I brought that I could study -- except that they are still in FL with just about everything else in my apartment. So G-d, understand that I am trying; but I have most definitely been set back. I just hope I have the resolve to move forward again. However there is also the fear that all the resolve in the world can't produce what is not meant to be. So maybe I should just daven for some good old-fashioned help. Nevertheless, I am hoping that Hashem will make things just a little bit easier for me this year; I'm hoping....

It getting chilly; but I brought a few cheap layering tops to wear under some of the many JCPenny's tops my sister tossed my way. It's sort of a new look for me because I never layered clothing while living in Miami. You can be tznius without producing sweat stains all over your clothes! The weather is still a surprise though, and at this rate, I'll have to dig out my leather coat for Sukkos. But I'm looking forward to it; if I can get past Yom Kippur -- I will be looking forward to the rest of the year, which IY"H, will be a good one.