As much as I would like to write about Israel right now, I just can't. I get breathless thinking about it. The awe in watching Hashem twist our world around in front of our very eyes...
So I'll speak about me. LOL, why not, it's my blog nachon?
On Tuesday I was engaged in a conversation with a young man my age who is also looking to convert. It is still pretty early in his journey, and he comes from a much more religious Xtian background than I did. Nonetheless, we found ourselves agreeing on many points, questions and experiences. After telling me about his journey the inevitable question came my way:
How did you get interested in Judaism?(My appologies if I am re-hashing something said in a previous post; I didn't really take the time to look and see if I talked about this already; so please bear with me!)Ok, first I should say that the question in itself
does not bother me. So don't stop asking me, I really don't mind it! But sometimes something about the situation does. Of course, in the real world, I never let this on. I have my well rehearsed and performed answer ready (which I will not recount here - sorry). But deep down I feel like I'm hiding something. I feel like I'm making myself the star of the show, and really, it is just not the case.
Judaism (in traditional thought at least) has never doubted that the Creator has influenced and continues to influence the world that we know. But often it is thought of on the grand scale; not so much the individual. I think I am worried that I would sound like "a nut" - if I divuldged the belief that Hashem has pretty much molded my life out for me; I am just along for the ride. Yes, I have free will - I am not a puppet. And I definitely do have full responsibility for my actions. Also Hashem is not going to decend onto my body out in the woods somewhere and make me a Jew; I will need to take the proper steps to make that happen. But even the biggest control freak in the world cannot totally influence all the people and phenonema that interact with them.
That is the amazing part of my story;
that is what I wish to
really convey sometimes.
So back to "the question" (because I feel this would be the perfect medium to explore a more accurate answer of "Why I Want To Be Jewish" {or however you want to state it}). Actually, I don't know if
anyone will ever state 'it' they way I feel 'it' should be stated; and if I do, I would agree to stand out on the road in an eagle costume holding up a sign for tax return services (next year - and if you read this blog, you don't count). And that question would be,
"How Has Hashem Helped You In Finding Your True Place?" Understand I have not converted yet; and chas v'shalom, if I were to not live past tommorrow, then musings about "Why Is She (of all people) a Jew?" would be moot. So it's only proper to address the present in my case. Just like some children like the taste of bananas and some don't; just like how some adults like to ski, and others would rather be sunbathing, (etc., etc.) - we all have different activities that we engage it that "just feel right" that "make us content". Sure some of these preferences are influenced by our environment; but many are not.
It is just how we are. For example, I was born and raised in SW Pennsylvania; plenty of snow and ice and cold there in the wintertime. And I could not stand it. And I never got used to it. And I lived there 20+ years! Yet my Grandmother loves the wintertime. Different strokes for different folks.
Here's a interesting, but perfectly normal tidbit about me; Judaism was not my first or even preferred preference of belief after I had doubts about the church [I was raised in]. At first I would try other churches. Then I took a quick gander at Judaism; but it was too small a group and there were no Jews around me anyway. Then there was a time where those Nation of Islam folks were popping out of bushes practically passing out panthlets. I read some of them; even purchased some of their books. Too unfounded and
way to militant racist. Then there were those neat New Age/Eastern philosophies. But when you dug deeper, they were either polytheistic or just totally off the wall (there's no deity in the moon yo!!!). Back to Judaism again. Then I went to synagogue.
Boring! That's right. My first synagogue experience was probably right up there with watching a televised chess tournament with subtitles (sorry chess fans, but that's serious waste of TV air-time right there...)
Well Judaism in books seemed nice at least.
Understand the first time I went into a Jewish bookstore I was probably 22 (this pre-dates this about 10 years). I had the 2 local libraries and Waldenbooks. And I depleted Waldenbooks' stock of 4 Jewish books in the "Religion" section in about 6 months. I don't want to talk about the library books. Let's just say the newer ones talked about "rumours of there being Jews in Ethiopia"...
By the end of high school/start of college, I had pretty much made up my mind. I would believe what made the most sense to me on an intellectual level - Judaism. But I shunned the idea of affiliating with any specific group - Jewish or non. I mean organized religion was for the weak and gullible! So here I was, a champion Noachide; and it was all good.
So why didn't it stop there?Yes, I had no real problems. As I crept into adulthood, I realized that association with groups was not necessarily a 'bad' thing. Especially moving 1000+ miles away from home and trying to build up a social network - what's a girl to do? Bars, check. Clubs, check. MySpace, check (way before it was "uber cool" by the way). Religious organization? Hmmmm... In college, I had Hillel to take care of the "Jewish stuff" for me. But now, it is time that I pick a real congregation. Besides, Floridian Jews are known worldwide for their progressiveness. I guess it would not hurt to swallow my pride and join one of the 3,000 Reform temples (ok, it's not
that many...but it seems like it...) in the area. Besides, how else would I meet a "nice Jewish boy" (tried JDate - was a total waste really; more interesting Jewish men can be met at the Swap Shop where all the electronics stands are owned by Israelis)? Although I never met any men in my Reform congregations (yes, there were 3), the friends I made were lovely. Intelligent, professional and pretty darn accepting, all things considered...
But still my soul was not yet satisfied.Jewish/synagogue activities became a priority for me, much to my chagrin I guess. I joined the Sisterhood, joined the Jewish Federation, volunteered my time and talents, went to upteen lectures on Jewish culture and thought. I also felt that it was right time I convert already. Pretty much feeling (going into it) that this was something "extra". I mean, many members were either not Jewish or dating non-Jews. My conversion was not a device to be used to 'validate' my place. But I had to just stop - and look around me. What exactly
was my place? Again I should point out that I was not necessarily 'unhappy' and I was not looking to leave Reform Judaism. I was just taking some mental notes; thinking about ideas I had not previously thought about. Like, "How do I want to practice Judaism in my home?", "Am I comfortable at all times, in every situation saying that I'm Jewish?", "If my Jewish spouse does not come to shul and eat treif is that acceptable to me?", "What type of Jewish education would I feel comfortable giving to my children?", "Will that education in day school/temple mirror what they see at home?".
When I was able to be honest with myself, I saw that it was just like when I lived in SnowLand. Yes I am here; but am I comfortable? Or am I just trudging along...
"Trudging along" is intensive work and a lot passes you by that you don't see. So just how did I see an exit?"Somehow, someway I stumbled into Aish HaTorah and a few frume Yidden at around the same time. At first my attitude was, "Hey, I'm a Reform Jew; you're an Orthodox Jew. We can learn from each other, and exchange Jewish jokes; it's 'all good'." But when you really like the taste of a chocolate-covered strawberry; does it matter if you tasted it when you were 5 or when you were 55? I mean here I am in my low-ride hip hugger jeans with a shirt that exposes and accentuates more than it covers; standing next to a Orthodox Jewish woman absolutely centered on her middot and tznius...
And that seemed more 'right'. In spite of being the antithesis of 'Miami salsa-girl chic', I could recognize that that was what a Jewish woman was really about.
So here we have (in a long-winded answer I would not ever be so rude to give in person as to bore the poor listener to tears!), a more accurate recounting of what happens to many gentiles who decide they want to become Orthodox Jews. Very, very rarely do you wake up one day, and say, "This is what I want. I want to only eat kosher food. I want to wear a beanie or a scarf on my head. I'm all about foregoing physical contact with the opposite sex (whoo-hoo, no more pesky STD tests!); Oh yea, waking up early, pouring water, strapping on little black boxes, wearing rectangle with some knots on it, and reciting 15 pages of Hebrew, it's all "so deep"; I want to wear a cool black fedora on Saturdays. I can't wait to sport the latest fashions out of Boro Park...". Even rarer do you have someone who's journey to becoming an Orthodox Jew is like Dorothy following the yellow brick road to the Emerald City (and singing and skipping, and with munchkins giving you candy). It more like rock climbing (like a mountain; not that plastic wall thingy they have the mall). You are not sure where the top is; maybe you won't or are not meant to even get there. But you can see the beautiful view. You can see how far you've come. And it sure beats having stayed on the flat ground your whole life. And you'll keep going as long as you have the strength.
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As tempted as I am to end this on a sweet note, I have to revisit the whole "question" issue. Some of us ask a question to gain understanding, while others ask a question to get reinforcement of their own feelings or conclusions. When I get "that question", I am always curious as to which is the case in that given moment for the person asking me. Again, I am not so rude as to ever let onto this. And either way, both schools of thought are equally valid. I just wish I knew...
To present an analogy; let's look at the scientific method - and just how crucial a question can be. For those who are normal people who have better things to do than familiarize themselves with the scientific method for no reason at all, it is as follows:
1. Observe and formulate a question about something
2. Invent your own conclusion as to the cause of the question and/or what the answer could probably be (formally called "the hypothesis")
3. Figure out how to positively link your hypothesis to the original question
4. Implement an experiement to prove or disprove this link
5. Draw a conclusion
As much as I may fidget at the notion of a complete stranger sizing me up and making a judgement on me without the two of us even exchanging words - I must admit that we do it all the time. And if it works enough for professional scientists, I guess it also works for expert socialites. But it is all intrinsically connected to "the question". It has to be a darn good one. I mean can you imagine if you tried to do a scientific study with the leading question: "Is Water Wet?" I mean, where do you go with that if that is all you have to go with? Define "wetness"; explain how a affirmative or dissenting report is going to be of any asset to mankind; are you talking about Dasani water or the acid rain showers on Venus? Similarly, certain "why" questions posed to people can be very difficult for individuals to answer. "Why are you overweight?" "How can you feel lonely when you're married?" "Why don't you like to eat corn?". All of these questions could be answered with either one sentence; or a 500 page book. "Why do you want to be Jewish" falls right along in there as well.
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So my poor morale of the story should be illuminated (I mean I really
did have a point), and that is even in this day and age where many of us are infected with the "Control Freaktus" virus, Hashem is still at work and causes everything to be in a way that sometimes we can and sometimes we can't explain. So bare with anyone who doesn't really have the answer. In fact, give them props for recognizing that only Hashem knows - and they may never know - and they are just ok with that.
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