And The Battle Continues...

It is pretty safe to say that I have had to deal with self-esteem issues in one way or another my entire life. It pretty much started out when I was very young; I went from being an absoluting stunning-looking baby/toddler that looked like my father's [very physically attractive] side of the family, to growing up to hear "Oh he is your father?" betraying their true thoughts that yeah, I don't look like him. It was also tough in that he entered into a long-term relationship with a woman who had 3 daughters from a previous relationship that had physical features more like my father. So the general assumption is that they were related to him, and I was not.

As I grew older and developed a personality, I went on to pursue the things I liked, but was labeled by others as "weird". Some people were outright hostile in that I didn't act "more Black" or "more feminine". Thankfully, I had a small, but tight group of friends, so I was not teased so much (these friends included very "popular" people so...). But sometimes, it got to me. Especially when I was in situations where I needed to defend something that came (or was) natural to me. High school seemed to burr by; did not graduate at the tip top of class (but was in the top 5%...barely), and I was never asked on a date.

To my surprise college was a complete turn around. I was very popular...and I didn't really understand how or why. Probably because I was a nice person, and generally tried to help others. And also probably because my diverse range of interests and upbringing made me comfortable around almost anyone. This carried on after college, and throughout the duration of my twenties.

However I had two conversations this week with some people this week that led me to reflect, even be concerned. The first occurred on Sunday, when and ex-boyfriend of mine sent an email my way. It had been almost 7 years since I ever even spoke to him. He was only the 3rd guy I went out with, and one of those people you meet where you think you've hit the jackpot in the dating game. He was incredibly beautiful, intelligent and open-minded. He owned his own business and made a nest egg in the FL real estate boom. And he was an immigrant, with an adorable accent. He also boosted my own self-esteem in that from the girl I was in high school who was never even asked to the prom....to this, was sort of surreal. He also made me challenge myself and feel I was entitled to the absolute best.

So what happened? Well he had a drinking problem; which in turn caused other problems. The time was simply not right. I moved on and 2 years later, to Torah-observant Judaism. Step-by-step I started to humble myself a bit. I mean I was surrounded by this world I so much desired to be a part of, yet I knew nothing, and there was so much to learn! Of course this humility was necessary. But where do you draw the line? At what point do you start feeling like an unequal or inadequate?

I am a pretty strong-willed person; nothing has really changed that. But what has changed is my perspective. My ex wanted to catch up to see what was going on in life. He is in a long-term relationship with a child. I told him I was still single. He stated he just couldn't believe it - I was such a catch! I immediately doubted his statement. But then I was concerned as to why I doubted this statement. I had to own up to the fact that it is because as part of embracing the "ger" label, you embrace the label of being an "other". Many times "others" makes people uncomfortable. I just sort of marveled at this. Yes, I have certainly changed - but have all of the changes been for the good? Do I still feel like I deserve the best like when I did 7 years ago?

Another conversation was with a good frum friend of mine in Miami. She is also frum, we are the same age, and she is also single. Although we don't talk often, she too spoke of feeling inadequate in that although she was born Jewish, she never went to Jewish day school, seminary, etc. We had nothing but praises to sing about each other's qualities, but these things seem to fall short somehow...because we are single women.

Odd.

To be fair, I resolved 3 years ago the possibility of being single for the rest of my life. However the tougher task is to not let the fact that I am single be an indication as my worth as a person. It will be an ongoing struggle, I can see. To remember that Hashem made me they way I am and put certain opportunities in my life for a reason. As my ex correctly noted, "If you were religious back then, we would have never gone out" (because he's not Jewish). There is also another subtle battle that should occur. The fight to keep negative thoughts about people at bay; to not think that if you see a frum, G-d fearing Jew from a "good background" with a ger or a BT, that the thought, "Gee, I wonder what's wrong with them?".

A New York State of....

During this holiday season (and I really feel this is my holiday season and not the time that comes 8 weeks from now) there have been several discussions I've been participating in about the virtues and pains of living "out of town". No, not just any town; but New York City; which seems to be the only town that matters to many observant American Jews. Without a doubt, this hemisphere has quite a few urban centers of Jewish life - Toronto, Chicago, Miami, Montreal, Baltimore, Los Angeles...even Cleveland. But still the question to many frum Jews on this side of the pond is, "How would I/we fare in NY?"

To be fair, I enjoy taking trips to New York. There is a certain feel of being a kid in a candy store when you are there. Especially if you are frum...the size and scope of the Orthodox Jewish community pretty awesome. But for better or for worse, that allows for the opportunity to just "ride the waves" and not really feel secure in any one place. This "place" can be either physical or psychological. In the case of frum Jews, the danger is that it will be no problem to act frum (keep Shabbos, keep kosher, etc.), but feel disjointed or at odds even with everything.

A friend of mine is young and single and moved to Brooklyn...for various reasons. Included in those reasons are parnassa and shiddichum. She remarked to me that she was pretty surprised that in the Jewish clothing stores for women, there are all sorts of clothing there she does not feel comfortable buying. It is tznius technically...but she feels it is outside the spirit of Yiddishkeit. However she did remark that since most of the young frum women in Brooklyn dress this way, then maybe it isn't so eye-catching. Nonetheless it is not her style. And when you are "out of town" you have that leeway to dress quite frum, and not have that much in the way of surrounding environment to be compared to.

I am currently reading a book about the history of he Jewish community in Western Pennsylvania from 1745 to 1945. I am not very far into the book (I am around the Civil War period) but I am facinated about how religious Jews must have felt living here in the "frontier" back then. How daunting it must have been. Yet they kept coming. And I don't know if Pittsburgh ever had an environment where it was "easy" to be frum. Instead I think the Jews who came and grew up around here developed a type of heartiness and pride about their Yiddishkeit that was laudable. Not that Jews from New York aren't proud to be Jewish...but who knows if they faced (and more so how they would deal) with the nisayons of being so immersed in a gentile world.

I think it is sad that there is a flight of young frum Jews to NYC. I feel that if more remained "out of town", more options would be available to religious Jews in terms of where they choose to live and the type of communities they want to be in. Yes, I get a "warm fuzzy" feeling to see so many frum Yidden walking around NYC; but when I think of actually living in a place surrounded by Jews, my thoughts default to Israel. I actually feel thankful that I don't live in NYC. My feelings could be unjustified and without basis. Maybe I just don't know what I'm missing.

A Real Shidduch Crisis

Last week, an article was brought to my attention entitled, "The Marriage Question: Non-White Jews Wonder If They Will Find Spouses". With such a good title, I felt compelled to read the article. I was expecting little, but surprisingly, it was very good. Apparently Shoshana Kordova is accustomed to writing about hairy topic such as this and Jewish single mothers by choice. I could not find anything about her hashkafic background, but she seems pretty knowledgeable and sensitive to Torah observant Jews.

Although the overall tone of the article is not positive, I appreciated the fact that the author did not chalk up the problems that Black Jews face in shidduchim to overly-simplified Jewish racism or hypocrisy. Instead the focus is more so on the specific reasons which underlie the problem; lack of exposure and limited experience. However this "Jews are just racist" theme does come out a bit in the dialogues with the people being interviewed. For example there is an Adam Resnick who states that Black conversion [to Judaism] students have it the hardest. He qualifies this by saying that when people ask if a conversion student is romantically attached, they never inquire about the Black students (and my thoughts on that is if he recognizes this as a problem, why doesn't he suggest them himself then?).

But I find the personal accounts of Tashia Moore and Connie Singman to be invaluable. Here you have sufficient focus on the people who are directly affected by the subject of the article (as oppossed to an outsider assessing the situation). In fact Tashia's background is pretty similar to mine, in that she already starting identifying with Judaism from a young age. Then you go through a sort of "cultural rude awakening" when you step over into Orthodox Judaism and you have to reconcile the fact that you are not Jewish at all. And of course, even after you convert, there are some Jews where you will never be able to truly be a Jew (thankfully, they are declining in number). But the concerns of Tashia and Connie give a much needed voice to the other side of the coin. This is a case where the Orthodox Jewish community does not need a lecture on how racist or hypocritical they are. Instead, they just need to hear the voices of the fellow Jews-of-color. On a level that demonstrates that they are, in fact, part of the same family.

The article is not dated, but judging from the link, I would say it was written in 2001. A Google search for "Tashia Moore" today brought up this Facebook page, where it appears that she did eventually find a shidduch (if that is in fact her).