And The Battle Continues...

It is pretty safe to say that I have had to deal with self-esteem issues in one way or another my entire life. It pretty much started out when I was very young; I went from being an absoluting stunning-looking baby/toddler that looked like my father's [very physically attractive] side of the family, to growing up to hear "Oh he is your father?" betraying their true thoughts that yeah, I don't look like him. It was also tough in that he entered into a long-term relationship with a woman who had 3 daughters from a previous relationship that had physical features more like my father. So the general assumption is that they were related to him, and I was not.

As I grew older and developed a personality, I went on to pursue the things I liked, but was labeled by others as "weird". Some people were outright hostile in that I didn't act "more Black" or "more feminine". Thankfully, I had a small, but tight group of friends, so I was not teased so much (these friends included very "popular" people so...). But sometimes, it got to me. Especially when I was in situations where I needed to defend something that came (or was) natural to me. High school seemed to burr by; did not graduate at the tip top of class (but was in the top 5%...barely), and I was never asked on a date.

To my surprise college was a complete turn around. I was very popular...and I didn't really understand how or why. Probably because I was a nice person, and generally tried to help others. And also probably because my diverse range of interests and upbringing made me comfortable around almost anyone. This carried on after college, and throughout the duration of my twenties.

However I had two conversations this week with some people this week that led me to reflect, even be concerned. The first occurred on Sunday, when and ex-boyfriend of mine sent an email my way. It had been almost 7 years since I ever even spoke to him. He was only the 3rd guy I went out with, and one of those people you meet where you think you've hit the jackpot in the dating game. He was incredibly beautiful, intelligent and open-minded. He owned his own business and made a nest egg in the FL real estate boom. And he was an immigrant, with an adorable accent. He also boosted my own self-esteem in that from the girl I was in high school who was never even asked to the prom....to this, was sort of surreal. He also made me challenge myself and feel I was entitled to the absolute best.

So what happened? Well he had a drinking problem; which in turn caused other problems. The time was simply not right. I moved on and 2 years later, to Torah-observant Judaism. Step-by-step I started to humble myself a bit. I mean I was surrounded by this world I so much desired to be a part of, yet I knew nothing, and there was so much to learn! Of course this humility was necessary. But where do you draw the line? At what point do you start feeling like an unequal or inadequate?

I am a pretty strong-willed person; nothing has really changed that. But what has changed is my perspective. My ex wanted to catch up to see what was going on in life. He is in a long-term relationship with a child. I told him I was still single. He stated he just couldn't believe it - I was such a catch! I immediately doubted his statement. But then I was concerned as to why I doubted this statement. I had to own up to the fact that it is because as part of embracing the "ger" label, you embrace the label of being an "other". Many times "others" makes people uncomfortable. I just sort of marveled at this. Yes, I have certainly changed - but have all of the changes been for the good? Do I still feel like I deserve the best like when I did 7 years ago?

Another conversation was with a good frum friend of mine in Miami. She is also frum, we are the same age, and she is also single. Although we don't talk often, she too spoke of feeling inadequate in that although she was born Jewish, she never went to Jewish day school, seminary, etc. We had nothing but praises to sing about each other's qualities, but these things seem to fall short somehow...because we are single women.

Odd.

To be fair, I resolved 3 years ago the possibility of being single for the rest of my life. However the tougher task is to not let the fact that I am single be an indication as my worth as a person. It will be an ongoing struggle, I can see. To remember that Hashem made me they way I am and put certain opportunities in my life for a reason. As my ex correctly noted, "If you were religious back then, we would have never gone out" (because he's not Jewish). There is also another subtle battle that should occur. The fight to keep negative thoughts about people at bay; to not think that if you see a frum, G-d fearing Jew from a "good background" with a ger or a BT, that the thought, "Gee, I wonder what's wrong with them?".

My "Miseducation"?

Well the other day, I received an email from Aish HaTorah that contained the graphic above. Now that I am 30, I am too old for many of the programs that Aish HaTorah offers anyway -- but it is still nice to look. My introduction to Torah obeservant Judaism was essentially via Aish HaTorah. And I know that Aish HaTorah is essentially a haredi organization. However Rabbi Noah Weinberg, zt'l, was an incredible visionary; and has been a positive influence on so many Jews -- bringing Orthodox Judaism to the table of many of us who would have never given it a chance to begin with (myself included). However Aish HaTorah shows you that you can be a working professional, without a yeshiva education, and/or have serious questions about Judaism and still make the move to become frum.

So I guess the above program sort of surprised/disappointed me. I am currently working on my MBA; but the program clearly states that it is for men. I did not save the other portions of the email, but there was a "Fabulously Feminine" program advertised right below this one. You get a tour of NYC and you get to go....well, shopping. The target age group for the [men's] MBA program is 22-28; for the women's program is 18-25. Ok. So what about those Jewish young women who are in or out of college....majoring in engineering, business or perhaps pre-law? I am sure they would appreciate a professional program for females....and not simply a themed shopping trip.

Let me back up, and say that this is not a criticism of Aish HaTorah, chas v'shalom. But it is a frank examination of the methods of kiruv. I personally know of a few Jews who where not brought up frum and went to secular college. They made a very quick, and pretty seamless jump right into Yiddishkeit during their early to mid-twenties and B"H, and fitting in their respective communities well. But there is the question of those who either have not made that jump so completely, so seamlessly -- or those whose time of becoming frum happens later, during the late 20s or early 30s. This situation is especially problematic for women.

Jewish women who are not religious tend to be pretty passionate....about something; usually it is their career. So how do you even approach such women, with the scenario of the Torah-observant lifestyle? The usual method is to bring the prospective Jew into a frum home, so they can see the positive influence of Torah and how it can enrich the family/Jewish home life. A young professional Jewish man may feel very encouraged by this glimpse at a more stable home environment than the alternate has to offer. But a professional woman may see this as a disregard of her many years of work and dreams of being a working professional.

What was told to me, and it is very true, is that plenty of Orthodox Jewish women are working professionals. However a good number of these professional Orthodox women still married relatively young ("young" by secular standards). The few who are single may humbly admit that they would give up the career for a marriage and family any day. For a woman who was born frum, this is a cultural nuance that they have been familiar with for many years. Also, there tends to be a narrow range of professions among these frum working professional women. Many therapists and psychologists. A doctor or an attorney here or there. Many education professionals. Some computer professionals. However frum women in male dominated careers are not so common. This includes the positions for MBAs, engineers, or skilled labor positions. So what does a young Jewish women who has a Master's in Sports Management feel when faced with the usual paths towards becoming frum? With a potential baalat teshuvah or gioyeres, this may come as a big culture shock; perhaps too big.

I do not have a solution; only a personal wish -- which is simply for kiruv organizations to make more of an effort to work with the true lives of young Jewish adults; women especially -- and not tailor programs on such limited terms. In my case, I am spending tens of thousands of dollars on working on getting my MBA. I think this is worthwhile; I wish that there were Orthodox Jewish organizations who were supportive of this cause (I have yet to find a network of frum Jewish women MBAs). Being a working professional woman in the business world is not in and of itself at odds with Torah observance. My priorities are always first and foremost my Jewish home (oh the jobs I have turned down because I knew I couldn't get off Shabbos & Yontif...B"H, I have a great job in terms of time flexibiity). So please, acknowledge that women like myself are just as welcome within Orthodox Judaism. Without this effort to accomodate, I don't think most secular Jewish women will feel the compulsion to make 'the leap'.

Black Jews in Limbo

Well yet another interesting trailer on YouTube of a movie that I may or may not see. But the trailer has some great editing. In fact maybe the trailer is all you need to see. Lacey is apparently a halachaic Jew; fathered by a Black man she did not grow up knowing. I will (with great hesitation) not comment on the damages caused by the parents who did not tell her the truth about her true ethnic heritage. But to each their own. So in addition to the social and cultural issues bi-racial Americans face, Lacey invariably has a tough time finding a comfortable spot in the Jewish community as well.

It seems as if this film would be a useful one to see; especially from the viewpoint of seeing different specimens from the American social quilt and hearing the myriad of stories present within. But it is situations like this where you can really see the fallacy apparent in placing an importance on "Jewish" culture, and forgetting about Judaism the religion. If Lacey's family lived a Torah lifestyle, then there were be no ambivalence about Lacey's status; she would be a Jew, no questions asked. Now how she would be treated...that would be a whole different story. But if you come to know Black Orthodox Jews, you will often times see that they do not feel at odds with their Jewish identity; just mainly frustrated at being socially marginalized.

Last week, I attended a meeting of a group here at California University of Pennsylvania for Jewish students, faculty and staff (it's called "Yachad"; so apparently they did not get the memo about the special needs organization of the same name). Despite it's deep Mon-Valley location, there is still apparently a Jewish population here as there were 7 students, 1 faculty, and 3 staff members (including myself) at this meeting. Due to not being able to find the meeting location, I was about 10 minutes late...yet I could see the questioning quiet glances directed my way when I walked in. So I prepared myself for the questions that for sure would follow; the first which was along the lines of "What brings you here?". I then just casually remarked that I was Jewish, and I wanted to meet other Jews on campus. Of course that sort of just ignited the interest more, and more questions ensued. Therefore after our official meeting had long ended; several people were still hanging around to either hear "my story" or just sort of marvel at the fact that there is a Black Jew on campus here; and a religious one at that.

In spite of the questions (and the strange way some of the staff needed to justify to me that while they are not Orthodox, they do "live Jewishly"), I did not for a moment feel as if I did not belong in this group. In fact I feel that Jews of all ethnicities make it a point to be involved with Jewish organizations and groups so that we can be visible and not seem like anomalies. It would have been very easy for me not to go to this meeting. I could see many personality types not be up to the constant questioning about your involvement and interest. The only food I could eat there were the grapes, and the baby carrots (the one staff member told me the ranch dip and hummus were kosher, but I had no way to verify that information). Several of then events they discussed I would not be able to participate in anyway because they are on the weekends. But again, I feel it is still important for me to be involved; and help show many of these Jews that there is more bonding the Jewish people than a collection of last names and an affinity for matzah ball soup.

If we get back to the basics, than so many people would no longer be confused...and many times pained...over their Jewish identities.

Coming Clean (Adventures in Kashrus IV)

Ok, do you see these things...to the left? I am completely addicted to them! They contain like triple the amount of cinnamon that you would ever need in a lifetime -- which is probably why I like them so much. I buy a bag, it sits on my desk at work, and at the end of the day...it is gone. The contents of the bag...not the bag. I try to offer them to everyone, so that I am not the sole consumer of the calories, but they get so weirded out by the "Soy" part. Whatever. At least I am limiting myself to one bag per week...how about that?

New Playlist: Saturday Night in Washington Heights

I couldn't go to sleep, so I made a mix CD...which I haven't done in a while. Why I am posting it here...I'm not quite sure though...

1. I Gotta Feeling (Laidback Luke Remix) ~ Black Eyed Peas
2. Blue Eyes ~ Mika
3. Struggla ~ Matisyahu
4. H'rap H'acharon ~ Hadara Levin Areddy
5. Oye Como Va ~ Santana
6. For Once In My Life ~ Stevie Wonder
7. Break It Down Again ~ Tears For Fears
8. Small Axe/Battle Axe ~ Bob Marley & The Wailers/The Upsetters
9. Protected ~ Chino featuring Stephen McGregor
10. Tu Gornisht ~ King Django
11. Puerto Rico ~ Eddie Palmieri
12. Everything Is Coming Our Way ~ Santana
13. Nachon L'hayom ~ Los Capparos
14. Smash Lies ~ Matisyahu
15. The Glamorous Life ~ Sheila E
16. True Faith ~ New Order

Chasidim Go to Hollywood

LOL - this was pretty funny!

A New York State of....

During this holiday season (and I really feel this is my holiday season and not the time that comes 8 weeks from now) there have been several discussions I've been participating in about the virtues and pains of living "out of town". No, not just any town; but New York City; which seems to be the only town that matters to many observant American Jews. Without a doubt, this hemisphere has quite a few urban centers of Jewish life - Toronto, Chicago, Miami, Montreal, Baltimore, Los Angeles...even Cleveland. But still the question to many frum Jews on this side of the pond is, "How would I/we fare in NY?"

To be fair, I enjoy taking trips to New York. There is a certain feel of being a kid in a candy store when you are there. Especially if you are frum...the size and scope of the Orthodox Jewish community pretty awesome. But for better or for worse, that allows for the opportunity to just "ride the waves" and not really feel secure in any one place. This "place" can be either physical or psychological. In the case of frum Jews, the danger is that it will be no problem to act frum (keep Shabbos, keep kosher, etc.), but feel disjointed or at odds even with everything.

A friend of mine is young and single and moved to Brooklyn...for various reasons. Included in those reasons are parnassa and shiddichum. She remarked to me that she was pretty surprised that in the Jewish clothing stores for women, there are all sorts of clothing there she does not feel comfortable buying. It is tznius technically...but she feels it is outside the spirit of Yiddishkeit. However she did remark that since most of the young frum women in Brooklyn dress this way, then maybe it isn't so eye-catching. Nonetheless it is not her style. And when you are "out of town" you have that leeway to dress quite frum, and not have that much in the way of surrounding environment to be compared to.

I am currently reading a book about the history of he Jewish community in Western Pennsylvania from 1745 to 1945. I am not very far into the book (I am around the Civil War period) but I am facinated about how religious Jews must have felt living here in the "frontier" back then. How daunting it must have been. Yet they kept coming. And I don't know if Pittsburgh ever had an environment where it was "easy" to be frum. Instead I think the Jews who came and grew up around here developed a type of heartiness and pride about their Yiddishkeit that was laudable. Not that Jews from New York aren't proud to be Jewish...but who knows if they faced (and more so how they would deal) with the nisayons of being so immersed in a gentile world.

I think it is sad that there is a flight of young frum Jews to NYC. I feel that if more remained "out of town", more options would be available to religious Jews in terms of where they choose to live and the type of communities they want to be in. Yes, I get a "warm fuzzy" feeling to see so many frum Yidden walking around NYC; but when I think of actually living in a place surrounded by Jews, my thoughts default to Israel. I actually feel thankful that I don't live in NYC. My feelings could be unjustified and without basis. Maybe I just don't know what I'm missing.

My Type of Film :-)

Before Shabbos Shuvah, I received in the mail a DVD of the movie Arranged; which I actually ordered a couple of months ago; but mysteriously never received. The reason why it came up on my radar again is that I was trying to compile some films for the new pledges of my sorority to watch and write about. In the last semester of my BA program, I actually took a film class on diversity in American films. My final paper was a survey of films that featured Orthodox Jews in America. Pity I did not see this film then, because most of those films were underwhelming.

Well the premise here has the potential to fall down very flat; a religious Jewish woman and a religious Muslim woman become friends...against all the odds. It is almost too cliche. But maybe it helped -- no, it definitely helped that the writer of the screenplay for this movie is an Orthodox Jew herself. I actually saw these women as real people and not caricatures. I did not have to sit through any rudimentary demonstrations of "look at how different and odd these people are". Nope; you just got right to the nitty-gritty of the situation. Two young women who are co-workers in New York, going through similar phases in life and relating to each other.

I was also pleasantly surprised at the multi-dimensional presentation of both Rochel and Nasira; I mean it could have been very easy to portray them as two goody-goodies living in a sinful society and have that be the end of it. However Nasira is shown to be quite a spitfire of a personality who speaks her mind. Rochel on the other hand is much more shy...even a bit unsure of herself. However I could completely see these women being friends in real life. They quickly discern that they have much more in common with each other than they do with any of the other people around them.

Of course no movie is perfect and movies featuring Orthodox Jews seem to often fall in this "not perfect" category. I could find very little in the way of redeeming qualities in Rochel's family. The dynamics of life in a frum family came through very poorly in this movie. The father seemed to have no personality and no opinions and really no point. The mother played the part of a token Jewish wife; but displayed little real motherly warmth, caring or consideration. At least there was some irony in that Mimi Lieber (who played Rochel's mother), is pretty olive-toned and if you would have thrown a hijab on her, she could have also played Nasira's mother. Of course no one in Rochel's family was too sympathetic to her befriending a Muslim woman. In fact her little brother made racist remarks so often, all you could do is hope he was joking (even though his tone of voice did not suggest this).

I was biased as a viewer and the movie was also biased from the screenplay - as centering more on the Orthodox Jewish side of the spectrum. Of course I did not mind this. But I did long for just a little bit more exposure into the daily/family life of a religious Muslim family. Of course, that would have made the movie into something a-la network mini-series and who has time for all of that? But I was so smitten with Nasira's character; I wanted her to by my friend. Like the type of chic you can really have fun hanging out with (maybe she is the Muslim version of me). She doesn't use her religion to hide behind and be apologetic for her personality. On the other side of the coin, I was quite surprised by Rochel's brief sojourn with her off the derech cousin Leah. Of course the whole scene with them at the party was incredibly cliche (blatant drug use, lasciviousness, irreverrant non-religious Jews, etc.); but it did convey the message that a person's choice to be religious is no more nutty or insane than the choice that some people make to live other types of lives.

I use to have this small goal of owning all of the Jamaican films I could. Now I might have to change this to Orthodox Jewish films. Just like the Jamaican films, there are some real duds. However it is very interesting to be on the outside looking in for a change. However I don't know if the most suitable audience for this film, Orthodox Jewish women, would even be interested in watching it based on the seemingly campy premise. They might even think that there is some sort of political agenda (yes, the conflicts between Israelis and Palestinians were mentioned...but as an offhanded remark by schoolchildren). It is really a shame because Arranged presents a really good opportunity to see religious Muslims functioning outside of the stereotype often presented to the frum community.