The Neighborhood

Mi buy wan posh house inna Beverly Hills,
So one day while dusting my window sills,

Who me see a move next door?
No de Boogooyagga dem,
Same time me stop do mi chores,

Me run to hevry room and shut down de levelors,
De nex ting me knoe, Mrs. Boogooyagga was knocking,
Asking to borrow some coors,

Coors? I remarked,
Dem mussey tink me is a loafer who love fi skylark,

Me tel har sey mi no have no beer,
But go ask Mrs. Stocious if she dare,

But see ya!

Dem tek Beverly Hills mek "poppy show",
De next ting me knoe,

She a hang out bedspread pon de porch,
Fi shade de evening glare,
While ar meat de pon de lawn a scarch,

Lawd mi feel shame till me can't explain,
Mi call me real estate Broker Mr. Blane,
Mi tell him fi cum quick ar mi ketchin de first plane,

Thank God fi de U.S. Airforce dem come instead and get rid of de Boogooyaggas,
Dem lef so quick, mi nevva get fi offer dem crackers,

Anyway, it was far de bes,
I can tell when people are planning on being a pest,

Lawd I am so happy!
I feel so sentimental and sappy.

(written by Margaret Bailey - from Jamaicans.com)

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From this thread on Hashkafah.com, the topic came up about how well do Gerim fit in. Well I gave my experience which prompted a few responses from others. One of the responders stated that "There's more said behind closed doors than you'll ever know. Somehow I don't doubt that. Although I am not preoccupied by the fact, I wonder just what may be the prevelant theme of these conversations (for curiousity's sake).

I definitely don't feel as if I am the "Boogooyagga" of NMB, but I have also heard that while people may welcome gerim and baaley teshuva, they would like to keep the ratio "respectable". On one hand, I suppose it gives the community a sense of stability. On the other hand, in my own experience, a ger/BT will have an easier time in a community/shul where there are others like them. The Rav and kehilla recognize that these individuals needs support when necessary and (in most cases) is eager to be of assistance.

I feel that in all of the Jewish neighborhoods in South Florida, mine is pretty scarce of gerim & BTs (in respect to the other ones). While I love living in the heart of a neighborhood that pulsates with kosher activities, shopping, and events - I feel that I am developing my own pet peeves (thankfully, they are minor however). So as much as I am the local oddity, I also feel that many things can be improved. I am not the only one to notice. The young daughter-in-law of a couple I have had many Shabbos and yontif meals by, voiced her surprise that although see moved to FL 3 years ago, she knows of no one except for those living in the houses right around hers. She laments that although the community is not that large, "newbies" are not really reached out to. But she has 3 little ones to worry about, so for her it's secondary. But for those of us without families, it's a bit of a different story.

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In some ways, I'm probably making it hard on myself as well. Hashkafically, I find myself on the Yeshivish/Charedi side of the spectrum. I don't deal with TV, I feel at home in my black skirts, long sleeves and tights, and (if G-d wills it) once I get married, my husband can learn at the expense of us not having a new minivan and I'll have no issue with hacking off the majority of my hair and cover it fully. On the other hand, I find myself bonding quickly with those who are "Modern Orthodox" because they have a bit more tolerance, if not geniune interest, in my past and how I got to be where I am. Then again, MO kehillim seem to have more gerim and BTs in general it seems. And since I don't daven regularly at a MO shul, that cuts significantly into my opportunities to foster more such friendships. Not that I haven't tried however. In the three MO shuls I've attended, I just couldn't get into my davening. In each case the mechitza was lower/more see-through/more open than what I was used to. Also many of the women were talking during key parts of the service (I'm sure this happens in non-MO shuls as well - just my experience). Also the pritzus present grabs my attention more often than I feel it should. Then on one Kabbalas Shabbos service I attended at a MO shul, I was practically the only woman there (with the exception of two other young girls); while I hear this is also the case in Chassidshe shuls, such a kehilla is just not for me.

I guess the bigger question is what is your community? The people who live on your block? Who goes to your shul? Who you are friends with? What?

The problem with me (and I'm sure is the same with other gerim/BTs) is that most of my involvement with the community comes from going to shul. However, unlike with the liberal movements of Jews, shul is not a social gel but a place where you daven, execute relgious ceremonies, and come to learn. All the social stuff happens in peoples homes or other sites. Even when there is a kiddush at shul, more often than not, half of the people there don't attend that shul and half of the shul members don't attend. I myself don't feel I should compromise by davening in a shul I don't feel comfortable davening in for the sake of social relationships. But it does feel lonely time and time again eating Shabbos meals alone.

Not that I haven't been invited on numerous occasions (and even have a "standing invitation" of sorts with two families to come whenever I want), but as lovely as it is to "break challah" with others, it is still "someone else's table". Ironically I feel much more at ease at the monthly Shabbos meals at Aish HaTorah and the Shabbos "camp-out" that Rabbi & Rebbetzin Glixman host in Homestead. Instead of creeping into another family's precious Shabbos time, you are surrounded by other "family-less" Jews (and non-Jews) and you're part of an instant make-shift family of sorts. Not to undercut the pleasure that frum Jews get from extending Shabbos hospitality, or my flattery of being extended an invitation. These are just my instinctive feelings. I have a hard time believing that no one else in my neighborhood is in a similar predicament. But I have no idea who they are or no way to meet them.

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I was considerably surprised by this post on Beyond BT where the poster heralded the experience of living a frum life in State College, PA. Now I had the opportunity to go to Penn State being that I was a resident, but the idea of being in the middle of nowhere for the sake of higher education just didn't appeal to me. However, this person is married; so although they are growing in their frumkeit, it's a totally different situation than mine. I mean if I were married, also could probably deal with living in Small Town, U.S.A., just as long as their were no children where their Jewish education could be compromised. Even then, if there is an option to commute a bit, why not? I have some friends where the wife is Israeli and her husband is West Indian. They have a local Chabad House where they daven, but they are among only a few observant Jews in the area. Their son goes to an Orthdox Day school and is FFB. What their exact reason were for not living in a denser Jewish neighborhood is I don't know. But they seem to be doing ok.

Isn't it ironic that the very same community I feel so dependent upon may not be so consentual towards having me among their ranks? Again I have never heard this voiced or even implied. However there is also no obvious acknowledgement and programs geared to those who are still learning. Now I do not know of every shiur and event, but I know about a good number of them. And usually, I must go elsewhere for events that are geared towards those whose Yiddishkeit is still in it's larvae stage. On the other hand, maybe I too am guilty of believing of the "false prestige" that comes from living where I live. My neighborhood is where are the schools, bookstores, and grocers are. It is also the neighborhood that many from the other communities have "graduated to" once being observant for a while. What insanity! But again I am not immune; I was thrilled to land my apartment where I did, because I was worried about the observance level in some of the other places I was looking at.

I am conviced that this is not a situation that is a pandemic; in many places you can have your cake and eat it too (for example, I think Miami Beach is one of those places, but it's just out of my price range for the most part). You also have Rabbonim such as R' Shlomo Riskin, shlita and R' Ephraim Buchwald, shlita (whose Hebrew reading course offered through his NJOP organization taught me Hebrew) who have stressed the importance of kiruv. But I suppose it's sort of like doing your taxes in February; you know the benefit and that reaching out to "family=less Jews" is better - but sometimes you just either can't be bothered, or you don't want to deal with the potential problems that can arise.

שלום