Hitting the Books

I think it is safe to say that I'm just a tad bit burned out from reading, lectures, shirium, seferorim, etc. Yes, yes, one of the first things I learned about Judaism is that Jews are "the people of the book"; that to be learned in Torah is a greater suss than being wealthy, than being handsome/beautiful, than being professionally successful. And this is a notion that I fully embrace - don't get me wrong there.

At first it started out simple enough; Tuesday night tutoring in Hebrew and then afterward a class at Aish HaTorah. That was a year and a half ago. Early on someone told me to also come on Monday night - for a shiur on Shabbos halacha given by Rabbi Jankovits, shlita which - for someone who is new to Shabbos observance - is indispensable. Then I found out about a motzai Shabbos shiur given by Rabbi Reisman, shlita via satellite. At first I found this shiur over my head not because of the content, but because of all of the Yiddish he would throw into his drasha - but then I found his elucidations ringing very true with my neshama in reference to what the hashkafa of the Yeshivish world is today. As time progressed and I completed the Hebrew course (and moved to NMB), I started attending a Navi shiur given by my "home shul Rav". Mainly to show my face on a regular basis to him; but then I grew to love that shiur as well. A couple of months ago, Rabbi Davis, shlita started giving a Wednesday night class on Shabbos/Yom Tov cooking. Also being he is heavily involved with the ORB in kashrus certification I felt I could not pass this one up either. Then I found out about another satellite shiur given on Sunday mornings by Sarah Smiles from Yerushalyim.

So there is my current "schedule" with 5 days out of the 7 day week (or should it be 6, since Shabbos is not included - of which I usually always attend some sort of lecture/shiur in the afternoon on Shabbos as well - it's just not as predictable) "learning" somewhere. True only 2 of those days contribute to hard knowledge necessary for a gioyres, so the holes are filled in on my own. That's right. I usually work on 2 books a week to supplement what I can't find a shiur on. Currently they are Rabbi Falk's, shlita book on tzinus and another general book on modern Hebrew vocabulary.

Now I'm not listing all of this activity in an effort to stroke my ego - quite contrary. I do so to only give insight to the copious amounts of information that any convert to Judaism (and to a certain extent - any baal teshuvah - but they differ in that they don't have a "timeframe" to meet in most cases) must absorb. It's interesting because when Rabbonim go to disuade converts, they usually highlight the difficulties that you will face when you are Jewish - not so much what you must deal with to become Jewish. Actually I can't really lay fault with them in that aspect. These Rabbonim can give you first hand accounts of what it feels like to live as a Jew while they often times cannot retell the same for being a ger tzedek.

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Although I am sometimes astonished at all that I have learned - I can read Hebrew, I can hear a line or two from service and figure out exactly where they are, I know how to use a blech on Shabbos. On the other hand I feel overwhelmed and want to throw up my hands. How much of the Pesuki Zemirah do I say (I always lag behind on it)? If I say my "goyishe" bracha (I say "Hashem" when reciting any bracha which contains, ... אשר קדשנו במצותיו וצונו , am I culpable if a Jew says "Amen" or is he? Will I ever learn how to make hammentachen? I look at other frum Jewish women my age and I can't help but wonder - will I ever be able to catch up? Since they were 3, they've been immersed in an environment where Torah was taught just like children are taught to tie their shoes and dress themselves. And what to do, if Hashem wills that I ever will be gebentsht mit kinder , that their teachers will just "assume" that I will know ___ and it turns out that I don't have a clue. Sure it's a long way off - but I never did the years in yeshiva, the seminary studies in Eretz Yisrael, the handed down traditions from elder Jewish women before me to assist me. Gotteniu! - It's enough to make your head spin!

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Perhaps I'm overreacting - I guess it's a combination of the more you learn about the wonders of Hashem and his gifts, the more you want to do the right thing, the more you fear "making mistake", so the more you learn. It's a weird vicious cycle that brings pleasure, confusion, self respect, and humbleness all at once. But this is the real thing; it's not like a cocaine rush where you feel all in a quick unnatural sequence - Torah learning puts you into your true element - almost. At least for Yidden. For us non-Jews it feels like virtual reality. It surrounds you - and it seems real - but it still in not a part of your world no way that you are a part of it.

I guess that's why I need my shiurim and my seforim. Without them, I'm just another gentile. Without the tangible papers and people, I am out of the loop. In all honesty, I am sort of like the deluded lover who wants to hear the sweet-nothings whispered in their ear even when they know they are the mistress. Once I emerge from the mikveh, my desire to learn will not diminish - but it's point to me will be different.

In many ways it's a valid concern. I quickly realized that I would be tested on what I knew early on. Like my 1st Orthodox seder where I had just finished my Hebrew classes and they had each participant lead a section in the hagadah. Of course it was all in Hebrew (the seder not the hagadah) since the family hosting was Israeli for the most part. The husband of the couple hosting was also a convert - and I'm sure if I would have declined, everyone would have been fine with that. But he knew what it was like, and although it was tough and nervewrecking to be put on the spot like that, afterward I was grateful to him. It was also a comfort to share that yontif with someone who was intimately familiar with the "halachos for non-Jews"; which are, in and among themselves, complicated and mysterious. Like Ger Tzedek said in his post about kahering a kitchen, many don't realize that even if a non-Jew keeps total seperation of milchig and fleishing, and buys all his meat with chassidishe shechita, any cooked food will be treif. Not to mention the mind boggling halachos of non-Jews and wine; i.e., non-mevushal wine can not be handled at all by a non-Jew. A Jew can pour it for him, but then that glass cannot be re-used - even by the non-Jew himself. Since even pouring from the non-mevushal wine's bottle into a glass with treifed wine possuls the entire bottle!

It is prohibited to teach Torah to non-Jews. With each Rav I learn with (except for the satellite shiurim) this question has come up, and they have all agreed that someone who is converting may learn with them. Not that I have any problems with such poskim - however I wonder ---- how is it different? How am I different? The Torah was given to the Jews, and if a non-Jew learns Torah, he is in essence "stealing" from the Jews. However, the Torah is the guideline for living as a Jew - therefore converts-to-be have their right. But what if, chas v'shalom that person doesn't make it to the mikveh? Then is essence, they "stole the Torah" and are susceptible from any din from shamayim that comes their way? The only reason why this is on my mind - is not so much for me. I feel that I have it within myself to make it to become a bas Yisrael (while I don't know Hashem's ultimate plan though - I will have to wait and see). Such is on my mind for those who start, and just get so overwhelmed. Who get the difficulties in life. Who can't find or lost a connection with a Rav. Etc., etc.

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I know I'm losing the focus of this entry - I apologize for that. I am just amazed at how different I bid my time these days than I ever did in the past, or how I ever dreamed before. Don't get me wrong - I do love it. I guess it's like how Indiana Jones feels after swimming through a pond of rats to get some little gold goblet. For me, the reward is worth it.

I would never actively discourage anyone who wants to become Jewish - and definitely not to a Jew who wishes to become more observant (the mitzvot are your birthright - embrace them fully!). However lie to someone about the fact that true yiras shamayim girds you with such a heavy responsibility; a responsibility that you must prove to others that you are worthy of. I feel like I'm in med school. Even med school doesn't dictate your diet, your actions on Friday night, or obliterate your sex life (if your single at least). Is it worth it? 100% Even if I'll need to change my eyeglass perscription two more times to get through the reading material.