Shalom & toda to all of the people who leave a positive comment or a thought. I'm very flattered that people are still checking this blog out, even though I don't seem to write as often as I used to. You are my strength. Again, thank you.
The shalosh shavuot are hitting me hard. I feel, quite frankly, that Hashem is far right now. I took on the neder to actually pronounce my words in my tefillot (instead of running through them), and being careful to include new cholim and of course Eretz Yisrael in my prays. But I am so worried, I can hardly say the word "kavannah" much less apply it. :-(
I know myself. I know that I have a tendecy to "over-thing" and "over-analyze". I wish I could divuldge some of the major things on my mind, but they contain lashon hara, and I cannot "go there"; especially not now...
I am worried about the state of Klal Yisrael. In the Torah, it states quite clearly that the Jews must observe the the laws of Hashem in order to thrive in the land. What a quandry, since the "State of Israel" is far from a land where the Jews have embraced Torah. Yet, the Gedolim and many of our leading Yeshivot are there. Why bring them into strife, dissonance and hate? Have their efforts not merited for Israel to be victorious? I know that the decision is ultimately Hashem's. We can just humbly ask. But the Jews cannot take another Holocaust. We cannot lose even more of our Torah leaders in such a short amount of time.
All this goes on, I am also worried about myself. No one is going to attack my physical, corporal being here in Miami and the grounds of being Jewish. Why should they, since I am not. I feel like a cripple; somehow so concern with a cause that is not mine. Aching over a land which is not mine. What can I do? Not to seem like a drama queen, but emotionally I'm climbing the walls over this whole conversion thing. You react, think act, speak, etc. - like a frum Jew, yet you are totally not. I feel out of line. I feel out of synch with the world around me. I feel like I don't quite fit into this world at all.
Will something magical happen once I emerge from the mikveh (if, IY"H, I ever make it there)? Will I instantly find my center and acceptance? Hardly not; and I no that. But still there will be no doubt in my mind. Still I can speak, and go, and think of h'Eretz Yisael v'Am Yisrael as mine. It sounds so selfish. It sounds so presumptious. Perhaps G-d doesn't like it. But he's not really giving me to much feedback here. Ah, he probably is, but I'm not opening up my eyes and heart to it. I'm trying, but it's frozen shut.
Maybe I'm trying too hard????
Trying too hard to understand this situation which is me. Hashem controls my destiny, but I have to put in motion the right actions. But I don't know what to do - I seriously have no clue. Why give me the bracha to live among frum Yidden, but have them forget about me? Why give me the bracha to learn with brillant Rabbonim who don't respond to my phone calls? Why give me the bracha to visit Eretz Yisrael without really being a Jew. I do not get it.
The Most Famous Ramban in Chumash – The End of Parshas Bo
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The Ramban at the end of Bo is a classic work on Jewish philosophy and
probably the most quoted Ramban in Chumash. It’s well worth seeing inside.
Here’s ...
3 months ago
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4 comments:
Hello again. I just wanted to drop you a note that you are not alone. It is hard to be "in the process" because you are not in your old world and not quite yet in the new either (not that they don't overlap, but you know what I mean). The status thing is hard. For me, it has also gotten harder as I have been told my process is coming to a close. I am so close, yet SO far away. I just trust in Hash-m that it will come at the right time and in the right place. I just hope (and for you as well) that Hash-m gives me the strength of mind and heart to meet each day with a sense of awe and commitment.
However, I understand the struggle of trying to learn/meet with busy rabbayim or get involved in a community. It is hard, but I always remember a relationships shiur by Rabbi Lawrence Keleman where he said, "Life is for love, letting go of what we want for something bigger...Loving Him will require letting go of what we want. Once you are habituated to a frum lifestyle, there's not much sacrifice ...Unless I sacrifice, I will never fall in love with Him, unless I let go of what I want for His sake." I know that may seem daunting since you probably (I know I do) feel that you are doing a lot, but just think which each struggle and every time you overcome, you are coming closer to Hash-m.
Also, I just wanted to let you know that you sharing your struggle, helps other who are going through the same thing. B"H, things will get better soon.
Good Shabbos!
I can't completely understand what you're going through but even FFB’s can feel alone sometimes, not understood, it's a difficult phase that usually passes with time.
I guess your experiencing the rejection part of conversation, I don’t know all the details but the I think potential converts have to be discouraged but only for so long.
Thank you for visiting my blog.
As for the situation with Eretz Yisrael now, we all feel ants in our pants to do something. Some young people in my community have run to join Nahal Charedi, the religious branch of the Israeli Army. Others have gone to the front to encourage soldiers, and help them with their spiritual needs -- something the Army much appreciates since it helps keep the morale high.
Many efforts are being placed into helping the nearly one million Jews directly affected by the missile showers in the northern section of the country. There are people who spend day after day and night after night in the miklaot (bomb shelters), while many have either gone South or at least sent their children so safer areas. So there is a major crisis of internal refugees who need everything from a place to stay (hotels are very expensive, and not everyone is lucky enough to have where to lodge for free), to food, baby diapers, medicines, etc.
Helping rasing funds is indeed a good idea. Kollel Chabad -- Israel's oldest and largest religious charity -- is desperately trying to gather as much as possible to send to Israel from the US.
I have also posted a link to American Friends of Tsfat, as requested by personal acquantainces of mine in Tsfat who are straggling with the situation there -- missiles have not stopped falling on their town since the begining of the war.
What else?
Davven. Everyone can do that, and siata dishmaya is much needed. Learn. Judaism demands learning, and things become much more clear when we see them through the Torah perspective. And last, but not least, you can express your solidarity with the Jewish people.
כל המברך יתברך -- whomever blesses, shall be blessed.
Great site loved it alot, will come back and visit again.
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