HaBoker Or!

Again, I apologize for my absence.

I should say that week of October 15th - October 21st, was a major trial and blow to my spirit. It started off with finding out that a Rabbi who mentioned he would "help me" then changed his tune. Then I got splashed in the face with a bucket of cold water when a friend of mine brought up the fact that my giyoret status, while fine with Hashem, will be a big mark against me for many things the rest of my life; so perhaps it was meant to be that I not even do it. Then another friend suggested a Rabbi to me for sponsorship. I talked to him for a while; and what he said to me were the first encouraging words I had ever heard from a Rabbi regarding this. But he still wanted to study with me...and for a fee as well. It was not something that I could afford. Then on Friday, I was laid off from my job.

Driving home Friday, I was just numb. With each thought I questioned my worth. I wondered where I had gone wrong. No doubt, I have a lot of improvements to make on myself...on my intentions and in my kavannah in tefillot and mitzvot. I remember how during Rosh Hashanah, everyone was so positive -- wishing me well. And I was positive as well! I remember going through Yom Kippur; and unlike last year, I was not "suffering" from boredom and hunger. I was really into my davening, and stayed for every service. I remember going through Sukkot and Simchat Torah, feeling real joy and really a part of the community. And then, it seemed to crash down. Like a cruel joke -- where you dangle the much wanted lollipop in front a child face; but out of their reach.

But again, I was just numb. Not sad, not angry/bitter. Just numb. Not knowing how to feel at all.

On the way home from work on Friday, I got a flat tire. While sitting in the sweltering Florida heat, I made up my mind to not let any of this ruin my Shabbat. I called a Rabbi (teacher in a day school...not a congregational one) to give a last minute request to join them for a Friday night meal. He said no problem. When I was on my way again, I picked up a bottle of wine, and dropped it off at the home of Mr. & Mrs. S., and asked if I could join them for lunch the next day. They said no problem as well. I was dettermined to spend Shabbat with others and deal with my problems afterward.

On Friday night, the first surprise came when the son of the Rabbi also joined the meal. He used to also work for my old company, but after marriage and 3 children later, was laid off around a year ago. He was very encouraging and stated that the layoff had everything to do with the company, and not with me. His mother then told me that a friend of hers is really, really looking for a bookkeeper, and asked if I would allow her to give this friend my number. After hearing that it was an appliance company, I was doubtful. But then she said it was a frum company...I felt comfortable enough to let her go ahead and give my information.

Then during lunch, Mrs. S. inquired why I was not dating. I then (after some prodding), told her of my conversion struggles. She said to come back to her home for havdalah, and she would see what she could do. I was flattered, but surprised. The S.'s have only been in town for around 9 months. And Mrs. S. is....um, how should I say this..."emotional". Nott a bad thing...in fact I love it. My Grandmother is also emotional. However when talking to her, the small comments can cause her to open the floodgates.

So as promised, Motzai Shabbas, she called the rebbetzin, wife of the Av Beis Din. In no time, I had an appointment set up for 11:00 am the next morning!

The meeting went very well. Although the Rabbi was extremely busy (he has no secretary on Sundays), he listened to my story and seemed very, very empathetic. He asked me quick questions on my lifestyle and my history with the Jewish community. He asked if I was financially stable; then quickly added, not because he wanted money from me -- but because I would need to be able to support a Jewish lifestyle. He then said he would be looking at not how much knowledge I have, but application of what has been learned and committment. He then said he sees no problem in converting me. Ran down the costs of the mikveh and Beis Din and said all could be wrapped up in a few months!

That evening, I got a call from Chava -- the friend of the Rabbi how knew of the job opening. I set up an interview for Tuesday. Due to the stark differences between bookkeeping for an insurance company, and bookkeeping for an appliance store, I did not feel that the interview went well. But I still felt good; encouraged, that people were trying to help me. I also had several phone calls on my resume from other places. I secretly thought it would be nice to work for another Shomer Shabbas company, and liked the location (not too far from my old job). I had no doubt that Hashem would be looking out for me. I decided to spend time on studying Tomar Devorah and catching up on Tehillim.

On Tuesday night, Chava called me back and said that the owner of the company would like to take me on as an executive assistant. While he did not see me as a good match for the bookkeeper position, he needed someone who was knowledgable in a wide variety of areas to help him on managing multiple projects. I couldn't believe my ears! Also, it will be a little bit more that what I made before! I was just simply amazed!

My health benefits are good for another month, B"H. I plan to get new glasses and contacts and get some other things out of the way...

I won't have to dip into my severance pay due to the fact that I found another job so quickly!

I am just truly, truly amazed at how Hashem has held me up and carried me over the torrential river of depression, anger, and temptations. Even though things seemed very dark, I felt that it was wrong to just react to such pitfalls. Hashem was gracious enough to quickly affirm that I made the right decision.

For everyone that is hurting and asking "why?"; I encourage you to just breathe and wait. Open up a sefer. Spend extra time and attention on your davening. Keep in mind to place your neshama and all your troubles in Hashem's hands every night. Even if your back was turned to Hashem before, you can do teshuvah now...and the answers will come!