Where to End -- Where to Begin

So I read this amazing post on a Simple Jew's blog; and I kid you not...the last two mornings I have been thinking about this. But I never dreamed I would actually be writing about this...but here I go...

My davening is a problem. I do not know when it happened or how it happened. Well; I guess that is not entirely true. I was not really davening on a daily basis when I was in the hospital. When I was released...I was re-united with the interlinear siddur my Hebrew teacher gave me. For some reason, it confused me and tripped me up a couple times. In between pain and therapy and no sort of set schedule...my daily tefillah schedule came totally off track. I used the excuse that I was a woman and...whatever...what I say is what I could say. G-d would understand.

But the yetzer hara is such a slick little bugger -- a little turns into a lot, and before I knew it I was down to the Shema and the Amida - sans any extra brachot - sans any special attention that I was saying each and every word. What a long, sad cry from how I would stand viewing the morning outside my patio window...with careful consideration and attention given to HKBH all the way from Brachot H'shachar to Aleinu...to a thoughful Birkat Hamazon....to a Shema al Hamittah said without dozing off/zoning out.

You would think (and I am disappointed that) when things turn to be tough, you develop more kavannah and a stronger bond with Hashem. Unfortunately I am sad to say that I let emotional hurt and other various difficulties hover like a cloud which just blocked out my spiritual connection. In the grand scheme of things...there was no reason for that. Despite my own lack of acknowledgment, I have still received many brachos during this time. My life, my ability to return to college (finally!), my understanding job and modest insurance settlements (that appropriately were just enough to take care of my needs at the time), as well as being placed in an environment that is much healthier for my emotional well being.

When you are coming from being a secular individual...and moving towards being a Torah-observant Jew, you have a lot of different milestones and measuring sticks were you must mark your progress. Sometimes it seems hopelessly easy -- other times you just can't understand why you just plateau. Then there are situations like this where you slip and you need to backtrack and do it all over again basically...

So 2 weeks ago I brought a small Ohel Sarah (Women's) Artscroll Siddur. It's a much more use able format. I am back to allotting anywhere from 30 to 45 minutes for davening in the morning. I make a conscious effort to go to bed as opposed to "falling" into bed from exhaustion. It's time to make tefillah a priority again; I just wish for Hashem to bear with me while I sort out all the logistics.