The Birds & The Bees

I have sort of wrestled on how to write about this; but hey, I need to get it off of my chest (I intend absolutely no puns in this entry!) so to speak. A couple of weeks ago, I came across the Calm Kallahs forum and I've been reading through it in silent, mild horror. The premise of the forum's creation is a good one; Orthodox Jewish kallahs have a place to exchange information and vent a bit. From observation, I think few things can be as stressful as a religious Jewish wedding. Not only must you get a wedding together in an impossibly short period of time, but you are also dealing with getting a crash course in male-female emotional dynamics and sex. And from I see on Calm Kallahs, I really wonder if all that many actually "get it".

Now I should clarify; I am not criticizing the frum marriage process or it's chances at success, chas v'shalom. No doubt, observant Jewish married couples fare much better than their secular counterpoints. What I am focusing on here are the misconceptions regarding sex and the emotional aspects of the marriage relationship. From my point of view, even after 4 years in the frum community, I have no idea of how "intimate matters" get discussed in a frum family. From the Calm Kallahs forum, and also a friend of mine in Florida who taught "kallah classes" and admitted that many of the women were just so embarrassed to even deal with the requirements; I guess that it is not discussed too much.

My sex education (and I really hope this will not reflect as "oh look at how untznius Miss S. is!" since what is past is past) consisted early on as my Grandmother telling me that if any boy tried to touch my private areas or tried to take off my clothing, I was to run away since he was undoubtedly evil. In my Xtian home, I got the general impression that sex was sinful and of course I never witnessed any type of physical intimacies (not even kisses or hand holding) between my Grandparents. My Grandfather likes to stretch the truth/exaggerate, but he once admitted to me that after my mother was born, there just wasn't any more sex [between them]. What is true is that my mother was a colicy baby and my Grandmother had a hysterectomy in her late 30s (she was 47 when I was born). My Grandmother, being a very religious Christian probably honestly saw no point in sex since she was obviously done with children (this differs from the Jewish view of sex considerably of course).

No one spoke to me specifically about the basis, but we had a lot of books in our house including Our Bodies, Ourselves which had a very feminist slant (even had chapters on lesbianism) and plenty of illustrations that left nothing up to the imagination. So by age 10 or 11 maybe, I pretty much understood the mechanics of sex. It wasn't until high school when they presented sex education (presented by Planned Parenthood) that I learned anything else. By that point, about 1/4 of my class had already had some sort of sexual encounter. I on the other hand, ended up graduating high school without having ever gone on a date with (much less kissed) a boy.

Even though I was "odd" and a "late bloomer" by secular standards; I always had friends of both sexes who would have very frank sexual discussions with. Looking back however, just the conversations with my female friends would had sufficed. Now I never sat in on a kallah class, but I somehow do not picture the same depth of conversation that I had with my female friends in college.  Now if you compare this to how I am now, pretty much shomer negia (I do touch men in professional settings for handshakes), and sex is no longer a recreational sport.  However, there are frum women who I am friendly with, that I think I could absolutely sit down and have frank conversations with (on the topic of sex).  This seems to be normal and natural and I don't really see how such shouldn't be regarded as tznius.

Now several years ago, I discovered Nishmat, which is a thorough, helpful resource for information regarding taharas hamishpacha.  Its antithesis is Calm Kallahs.  So you see, for me, it is not about having the need to ask questions and need some guidance in regards to sex -- the Torah observant community thrives on the freedom to ask questions!  But rather the problem is unhealthy means in which the subject is thought about and handled.  When it comes to questions such as, "Can I get pregnant if I'm on top and my husband is on the bottom?", there is no reason why you can't ask that question to someone you are close to in your family or a friend.  I would be incredibly saddened if I found out my daughter or sister posted such a question on the internet to get an answer instead of coming to me.  The popularity of such questions reveal that too many Jews are regarding sex as a "dirty little secret" when really that is not the case at all.  What kind of impression is given about the frum community that we choose not to place any sort of emphasis on healthy sexuality?