It All In Your Head

Here we go again. I feel that this is the most difficult time of the year for me. As of the present (maybe this will change one day), I do not completely eschew music during the sefirah period (I do not attend live music or dance; but I do still listen to recorded music. See this source). However during the three weeks, I do not listen to any kind of music; and it is very depressing, and difficult for me.

Due to significant life changes, moving around so much, and perhaps a personal streak of strong independence, I do not have many friends; and I certainly do not have a "best" friend. Yes, I have countless people I can call on the phone and chat with and even go out for a coffee with. But very few of them are fully comfortable with the "whole me". Instead they highly enjoy certain aspects of me; but after too long will grow irritated or annoyed with the other facets of my personality. Because of this I have accepted that friends will come and go; and my family can never get so close to me. And that is just the way it is.

However with music...the relationship is much more lasting. For sure, I have some albums (yes, I own quite a few LPs; you know, "vinyl") that I hardly listen to; maybe I am even embarrassed by them (case in point, that Little Rodney Allen Rippy album). But I still hold a sentimental affinity for them. For the most part, I do not look back on my life with regrets. Although I did some crazy, stupid things. I enjoyed myself; I won't be doing it again, but it was enjoyable. Listening to the music from those periods in my life are like audible photographs that are a reminder of me; the whole me.

I realize that many if not most converts see their life in sections; before Judaism and after. I have a tough time with this personally. For one, I "took ownership" of Judaism and the notion of being Jewish when I was just a teenager. In addition, at that time, Judaism was a more lenient lifestyle than what I grew up with. For example, as a young child under the guidance of my Protestant Grandmother, I was not allowed to go shopping on Sundays or wear a skirt above my knees. However as a Reform Jew, I was "released" from such stipulations; and was afforded the opportunity to stretch my horizons, experiences, and influences. B"H, I retracted back; but not before taking in some very important lessons from this time period.

For example, growing up, I was not allowed to listen to rap music. The cursing, the subject matter, etc. - was not something my Grandparents wanted played in their house. My senior year in high school was the year that Notorious B.I.G. and Tupac Shakur were killed. Now I've never been such a big fan of Tupac; but I found Notorious B.I.G. pretty mesmerizing. Now to be fair, it wasn't as if I wasn't listening to rap before this. My entire neighborhood (and my mother) were big on Bone Thugs-N-Harmony, L.L. Cool J, Run D.M.C., etc. But when I was in college, Notorious B.I.G., Ma$e, and Puff Daddy (oh and DMX as well) played the soundtrack of those friendships, the learning, of independance. Today I am at the point where I really cannot identify with songs with so much cursing, or talking about designer clothes and sexual escapades. But I do not cringe away or close my ears to it. Sort of like a nebech family member who seemed so different many years ago.

But back to my overall relationship with music, I feel that music in general is the constant in my life. It has always reined me in strongly and can catch my attention like no other. My father used to get the greatest kick out of the fact that when I was between the ages of 1 and 2, I used to try to sing Neil Sadaka's Laughter in The Rain, although I could not really talk yet. I could only say "oooo" "rainy" and "day" all through the course of that song. When I was 3, I got my own record player and all of my mother's old records (since she had since moved out and left them behind). That was a lot of disco/dance, Prince, some Tamla and Motown 45s (the Commodores and Stevie Wonder), and of course I loaded up on my kiddie albums (I had the Pac-Man album, Strawberry Shortcake Flashdance, The Monchichis Album, etc.). Of course "kiddie" albums back then were better than anything Myley Cyrus can put out now. I had a Candyman album that had Sammy Davis, Jr. himself singing the title track and some other trippy (but good) 60s bands. I also had the Batman Album by the Markettes which is also really good musically.

It probably did not help that my father was in a reggae band; so some of my first cassettes were from him going to New York City and getting reggae mixed tapes. These tapes were copied countless times and I served as some sort of 8 year-old ambassador for reggae music in SW Pennsylvania to a lot of people (rather they wanted to hear it or not). Then I moved to Allentown, PA where I started getting really into "White" music (for lack of a better term). Bon Jovi, Samantha Fox, Lisa Lisa & Cult Jam, Expose, New Kids on The Block, Vanilla Ice {sigh}. Ok, so my taste in music sort of backslid then! By the mid-90s I was back in SW PA and back on track. R&B was pretty unstoppable then with Boyz II Men, SWV, Mint Condition, En Vogue, and Brownstone. I was in Clairton Jr./Sr. High School marching band; which was probably one of the coolest bands in the area since our own director wrote our music. We played music by Janet Jackson, Ice Cube, Neil Diamond, the Beverly Hills 90210 theme, the Tootsie Roll (that was corny though), and whatever Disney movie was out that year (Little Mermaid, Beauty & The Beast, etc.).

High school is when I started getting into punk and alternative music; and at the tail end, ska. My unsuspecting friend in band brought a No Doubt Cd for me in 1996 and a trip to Myrtle Beach in 1997 introduced me to Sublime. Then I read a music review in the school paper on 311. From there on out I was hooked. It was reggae, it was rock, and it was trendy at the time.

In the years since college, I would sort of go back and revisit all of these genres; plus new things that would pop up...especially in the indie scene. It is true, that since I have become frum (when I was 25/26), I have become a bit more selective. I remember when I first heard about the White Stripes. I heard how good their music was, but I was dreading that it would be full of gross lyrics. To my [pleasant] surprise, that was not the case. Around the same time, I was also introduced to Metric; whose lyrics are more edgier. But I was pleased to catch them live in Pittsburgh at an all-ages show that was pretty PG-13, atmosphere-wise.

In early 2005, I took a trip to the Lower East Side of NYC. I was going to Aish HaTorah, joining families for Shabbat; but still thinking that I just fell into some sort of alien-lifestyle that I could never acclimate to make my own. Now on just about every trip I've taken to NYC, I would go to Jammyland (which has since closed). Jammyland was the source for good reggae albums in the city; and the staff was out of sight. It was there, where I was probably looking for some Trojan albums, that I saw Matisyahu's CD. Previously I had some horrible luck with "Jewish" reggae CDs and I don't even think I listened to it right away. However, when I got back to Florida, I ordered 3 more of these CDs because he was simply that amazing (for the record, I do not feel that Matisyahu's subsequent CDs are even close to his album Shake of the Dust...ARISE! which he did with JDub). It was also another "synthesis". Just like when I first heard ska, Matisyahu was taking reggae and mating it with a love for Hashem, Torah and Yisrael. It was a small thing, but for me a push to continue on the path towards Yiddishkeit.

In spite of my deep love for music, I have never been the type to lose myself or idolize musicians (although I greatly appreciate them; there was a time where I could only find myself attracted to a man if he played an instrument). No I would rather stand at the edge of the stage (or better yet backstage) and also talk with the band after. Similarly, I do not become swayed by music, but rather it tends to emphasize what is already within me. For example, there is a lot of roots reggae that I enjoy and relate to on a spiritual level. Even though they are not Jewish themes per say, Rastafarians focus more so on the text of the Tanakh (very little, if any NT stuff). They also tend to sing about an interaction between man, G-d, and his creation. In a similar vain, I find that R&B/soul music in general is very pleasant to listen to, and sounds very sincere. Nevermind the fact I cannot immediately relate to being the other women in a married man's life. Many times the focus of the song is on the pain or love that results; not the situation.

Perhaps it is my viewpoint on music that makes me feel as if a friend has died during the Three Weeks. All musicians have a story to tell, and for the time being, they are silenced and they cannot tell that story to me right now. Just like when someone sits and pours their heart out to you and you enjoy the bonding process; for the time being, I have lost my daily chance to bond a little. To empathize with another human being, in my own way, with whatever they care to express. I guess as a woman, that is how I manage to manifest this instinct.