And The Battle Continues...

It is pretty safe to say that I have had to deal with self-esteem issues in one way or another my entire life. It pretty much started out when I was very young; I went from being an absoluting stunning-looking baby/toddler that looked like my father's [very physically attractive] side of the family, to growing up to hear "Oh he is your father?" betraying their true thoughts that yeah, I don't look like him. It was also tough in that he entered into a long-term relationship with a woman who had 3 daughters from a previous relationship that had physical features more like my father. So the general assumption is that they were related to him, and I was not.

As I grew older and developed a personality, I went on to pursue the things I liked, but was labeled by others as "weird". Some people were outright hostile in that I didn't act "more Black" or "more feminine". Thankfully, I had a small, but tight group of friends, so I was not teased so much (these friends included very "popular" people so...). But sometimes, it got to me. Especially when I was in situations where I needed to defend something that came (or was) natural to me. High school seemed to burr by; did not graduate at the tip top of class (but was in the top 5%...barely), and I was never asked on a date.

To my surprise college was a complete turn around. I was very popular...and I didn't really understand how or why. Probably because I was a nice person, and generally tried to help others. And also probably because my diverse range of interests and upbringing made me comfortable around almost anyone. This carried on after college, and throughout the duration of my twenties.

However I had two conversations this week with some people this week that led me to reflect, even be concerned. The first occurred on Sunday, when and ex-boyfriend of mine sent an email my way. It had been almost 7 years since I ever even spoke to him. He was only the 3rd guy I went out with, and one of those people you meet where you think you've hit the jackpot in the dating game. He was incredibly beautiful, intelligent and open-minded. He owned his own business and made a nest egg in the FL real estate boom. And he was an immigrant, with an adorable accent. He also boosted my own self-esteem in that from the girl I was in high school who was never even asked to the prom....to this, was sort of surreal. He also made me challenge myself and feel I was entitled to the absolute best.

So what happened? Well he had a drinking problem; which in turn caused other problems. The time was simply not right. I moved on and 2 years later, to Torah-observant Judaism. Step-by-step I started to humble myself a bit. I mean I was surrounded by this world I so much desired to be a part of, yet I knew nothing, and there was so much to learn! Of course this humility was necessary. But where do you draw the line? At what point do you start feeling like an unequal or inadequate?

I am a pretty strong-willed person; nothing has really changed that. But what has changed is my perspective. My ex wanted to catch up to see what was going on in life. He is in a long-term relationship with a child. I told him I was still single. He stated he just couldn't believe it - I was such a catch! I immediately doubted his statement. But then I was concerned as to why I doubted this statement. I had to own up to the fact that it is because as part of embracing the "ger" label, you embrace the label of being an "other". Many times "others" makes people uncomfortable. I just sort of marveled at this. Yes, I have certainly changed - but have all of the changes been for the good? Do I still feel like I deserve the best like when I did 7 years ago?

Another conversation was with a good frum friend of mine in Miami. She is also frum, we are the same age, and she is also single. Although we don't talk often, she too spoke of feeling inadequate in that although she was born Jewish, she never went to Jewish day school, seminary, etc. We had nothing but praises to sing about each other's qualities, but these things seem to fall short somehow...because we are single women.

Odd.

To be fair, I resolved 3 years ago the possibility of being single for the rest of my life. However the tougher task is to not let the fact that I am single be an indication as my worth as a person. It will be an ongoing struggle, I can see. To remember that Hashem made me they way I am and put certain opportunities in my life for a reason. As my ex correctly noted, "If you were religious back then, we would have never gone out" (because he's not Jewish). There is also another subtle battle that should occur. The fight to keep negative thoughts about people at bay; to not think that if you see a frum, G-d fearing Jew from a "good background" with a ger or a BT, that the thought, "Gee, I wonder what's wrong with them?".