A.G.A. (Aspiring Gerim Anonymous)

Every Shabbos afternoon, there is a group of women who get together and listen to a guest speaker before engaging in shalosh suedas (the third Shabbos meal). Although I forgo the numerous classes given by the neighborhood Rabbonim and the average age of the women in the group is probably 62, I've found an affinity for these women. They come from all parts of the country and world. They have stories of their histories and their futures (via their children and grandchildren; many who are in Eretz Yisrael). We share simchas, food and kvetches. But most of all, I feel comfortable around them. Perhaps it's because I was raised my two people from their same generation (I'm familiar with how the minds of seniors work, that's for sure...). In the frum world, most adults my age are married with a child (or two, or three, or four...) running around. That in itself is fine and great; except they are just so caught up in the newness of their lives; their new married state, their new role as parents, their new home that they are finally able to buy after saving for a while; these things consume them. Often I find little in common to talk to them about. Perhaps its a bit dysfunctional that the majority of my frum friends are young seminary girls and elder Jewish matrons; but that's just how it worked out.

The guest speakers for the Women's Group have run the gamut. From nutritionists, to scientists, to anthropologists, and of course Rabbis and Rebbetzins giving source-ridden drashas on various aspects of Yiddishkeit. So I was totally thrown threw a loop when the organizer for the group privately approached me during shalosh suedas and asked if I could sign on as a guest speaker for the group; sometime this summer, after I get back from Israel, IY"H. At first I took the request as a great compliment, intrigued with her statement that several people "are very interested in my story". But later on, during Motzai Shabbos, I began to feel as if I signed on for something I'm not really entitled to. I've never given an autobiographical presentation at any point in my life before; but now is an especially bewildering time. Looking at my life, especially over the course of the past year, I can't hardly believe all that has happened - and I've experienced it firsthand!

So today I figured it out (I think). I do not plan to sit there and have a "Let Meet Rishona C. Hour". I need not underestimate the things that I have learned or my capabilities to be a little creative and weave in some simple diverei Torah into my presentation. Most importantly, I think it will be a good opportunity to expose some key players in the thriving kiruv community in South Florida, including Aish HaTorah and Ohr Somayach . So I will need to shortchange these women on all the juicy details of what brought me to my current state. Perhaps it's just the tznua in me showing face.

However in here in Blogland, where there are no time limits, blank stares, or the drone of soft snoring, I guess I can divuldge a tad bit more....

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I think I mentioned before that once upon a time, I was a Reform Jew , existing happily in ignorant Jewish bliss*. I guess even if I did know all the specifics, I may have still picked it. After all, I "wasn't feeling" how The Church relied on guilt, superiority, self-restraint, and viewing the world-at-large through this critical lens. On the surface, Orthodox Judaism is no different. All I knew is that I believed in G-d, I had no aversion to prayer, and I liked to think that I was intelligent enough to weave in certian Judaic spiritual elements into my life where necessary.

So what happened? How did I go from an indie pop-punk socialite who would go to "temple" on High Holidays and choice Saturdays to a resident of an Orthodox Jewish community? Or perhaps that is not the right question to ask. Perhaps it should be: "What didn't happen?". Both inside and outside of the temple, I saw all of these 30, 40, 50 and 60-something old adults who were "searching"; and not just for religion. They all talked about that "one day" they'll be ____; or they would tenatively say "finally after all these years I see..." Perhaps this phenomena with life dissatisfaction is more prevelant in South Florida. It just seems that it is a rare sight these days to meet someone who feels comfortable with that creature they see in the mirror.

But to bring forth some more concrete examples in regards to my search to find 'something greater... about a month after I moved to Florida, I met this guy - a friend; we'll call him 'Steve'. Steve was a lot like me; a rare cat of a Black/Caribbean mix - born in Canada and very into all types of music. But I got the vibe from him that when we exchanged numbers, he was looking for a "hook-up", and I was already involved with this brillant (but mental) Yugoslavian heart throb, so I didn't want to lead him on. But we still saw each other around a lot, and forged a casual friendship.

About a year later he rented a house not to far from where I was staying and I found myself going there a lot. It was a space where there were always people, alcohol, good music, and some free laughs. Quite a few times I would get tipsy and just crash there. I had totally forgot about Steve's romantic interest in me until he just came out and asked why I wasn't his girlfriend. I really had to work to stop a laugh from escaping from me. At this point I had been single and unattached for about a year and a half. We were good enough friends where I knew he would sleep with whatever random chick whenever he wanted sex, so I knew this was something - more. But here he is, 34 years old, and his life is all about punk shows and buying English designer clothes. Not that he was a loser. Just like my ex before him also was not a loser, in that all he cared about was making money and making appearances in South Beach's hottest clubs. Nor my ex before that who passionately cared about his writing and the quality of his pot. No. None of these men were inherently bad people or undesirable mates in my opinion. But we were like water and oil - mingling well but just not coming together. None of these men uttered a single self-initiated thought on the concept of G-d. And it's not that I avoided the issue. Each one was aware that I believed in Judaism and none of them (even the secular Jewish one) opposed me practicing it or even raising potential children as Jews. But somehow the apathy towards the whole religion thing killed my libido better than a Barry Manilow song at a dance club.

I found it curious that at Reform services and events, 20-something single men were curiously absent. Oh, but I guess that's what JDate is for! My first "jdate" was with a guy from Boca Raton. Let's call him 'Noah Rubenstein' (if this is some poor chap's real name, which it probably most certainly is, it's purely coincidental and I apologize). I was very upfront with Noah. Only kosher restaurants for dates, no plans on Fridays/Saturdays, no Sammy Davis Jr. cracks, etc. By the third date he pipped up that he found kosher dining "limiting" and suggested some treif place. I reiterated my position and kinda pretended that the suggestion was made only because he had a spontaneous memory lapse. After all, he was nice, progressing nicely career-wise, and proud to be Jewish (even if he was slack on observance). On the next date, he made a strange statement that he hasn't been to synagogue in years, but would be willing to start going with me. This made me very uncomfortable. I fished for a reply, but finally managed to tell him that if he wants to go to synagogue, that's wonderful, but it should be because he wants to acknowledge the Creator, not to fill a social obligation. I was well aware that for many liberal Jews, that is what synagogue membership is all about. But I did not want to be an accomplice to that. Finally, while walking along the beach one night, Noah admitted that he was just bewildered by my commitment to doing all this "extra stuff" (keep in mind this is quite some time before I went anywhere near Orthodoxy!). He then said that his mother was also a convert, and president of their Conservative shul in New York, and, "...she doesn't do half of the things you do.". "Great," I thought, "this guy isn't even an actual Jew!"

However the quandries of my love life did not phase me too much since Reform Judaism doesn't have an obvious opinion on marriage, one way or the other. Besides, it's "outdated" to think you can get married young, not divorce and marry again as "your needs change" anyway. The "variety of family situations" just added to the diversity of Reform Jews and reflected our modern life. But maybe the baby was thrown out with the bath water...

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Growing up, I hardly gave too much thought to notions of my future family. I was an only child (essentially). I was "a brain", so it was stressed that I would be going to college so that "I could get a good job one day". When I was little, Barbie didn't push around a baby stoller, she drove a Corvette and went to the moon (of course I thought Barbie was wack regardless though, Jem was way cooler!). As I got a little older, I just figured that the children would just come along after marriage; pre-packaged with a mini-van, music and soccer lessons, and a killer recipe for homemade chocolate chip cookies. Naive? Not really. If you are a single, career-minded woman than you're almost never ready to have children. I'm not saying that non-religious, working women don't look forward to or fully enjoy motherhood, rather, my point is that children in the non-relgious mind are seen as an acquisition that you may or may not choose to pick up along the line somewhere depending on your life situation. It is usually when they pop into the scene (pardon the insensitive play on words) that the parents start thinking about the ideas they wish to pass on; about what level of contiguity will be imparted. Keep in mind, many of these people are still trying to "find themselves".

One of the big sisterhood projects at my old Reform syanagogue was raising money and buying a present for whatever random bar or bat mitzvah happened to be passing through; and yes, "passing" was the correct term to use! I saw it happen each and every time. The family shows up, sometimes every Shabbos, for several months. They have a big simcha and the synagogue is packed. Candles are lit, pictures are taken and speeches are made. We give the gift. Then, the very next Shabbos, they're gone. Sometimes they may show up for one of the holiday events: fun stuff, like the Chanukkah picnic, but that's it. I remember distinctly thinking that I would never put my child through such a mockery. I did not adopt a totally new faith just so that my children can spin dreidels, have gaudy coming-of-age parties, and draw Magen Davids on every primary school project. If you are going to embrace a label, it should be somewhat meaningful to you. You should know why you should call yourself a Jew just like I know why I don't call myself an X-tian. I could feel how I held no legacy whatsoever in the church. Although the X-tian institution was integral in the advancement and survival of Black Americans, it is not our heritage. My ancestors had little choice over their ultimate destiny. The antithesis of this is living as a religious Jew, where you actively embrace your specified role and added life responsibilities.

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It's quite ironic that my personal misgivings about what my future family life nudged me towards Torah-true Judaism; being that I was not even partial to having children (at that time). In retrospect, I see that we all have our own paths towards contentment; and while I fully disagree with the validity of Reform Judaism, I will also say that there are some wonderful people, families and children who live as Reform Jews. But those shoes just didn't look right on my feet. Comfort in my religious expression is a crucial prerequisite to my success as a wife and/or mother. I'm glad I realized this sooner as oppossed to later.


* - not an outright criticism of Reform Judaism, but a description of my failure to investigate more about the tenets that Reform held as important. Actually, now that I'm on this train of thought, I think that it is very unfortunate that even though Reform Judaism encourages "free choice" among the mitzvot, most Reform Rabbis feel antagonistic towards Torah-true Judaism, although there is nothing in their 'responsa' to support this behavior; but it does happen. I have utmost respect for those Reform Rabbis and layleaders who encourage those among their ranks to turn to observant Judaism if the see their spirituality and commitment to Judaism growing in a different direction than what Reform Judaism can provide for them.