True Acceptance

Last night, I went to see Ahuva Gray speak in Hollywood. I admit I did not read her book (the only book I had read about a convert to Orthodox Judaism before was Migrant Soul by Avi Shafran), but her presentation went well enough for me to shell out the $25.00 for an autographed copy.

I found Ahuva to not be as extra-ordinary as the rest of the crowd found her to be. This is not an insult to Ms. Gray, but rather my perception as her being just like any other person who found an affinity in Judaism and felt the urge to step into the role of being an observant Jew. While I am grateful that Ms. Gray devotes a lot of time to travel and meeting with the public to show that being a Black Orthodox Jew is fully possible; I feel that many who hear her tale focus in too much on her skin color and fail to see the bigger picture.

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No one from any particular ethnic group can really act as a spokesperson for all of the rest. Just because you have a similar genetic code with another human being does not mean you have the same experiences. For those not familiar with Ms. Gray's story - she really took a "heads first" plunge into Judaism. Aa a learned Baptist Minister, she already held an affinity for the Land of Israel; so she decided to move there and shortly after making acquaintences in the Orthodox community of Yerushalyim, decided to convert. After 2 years in seminary and full immersion in the charedi community, she officially became a Jew. Armed with the values gathered from her religious Grandparents, her through knowledge of the Tanach, and "no holds barred" approach, she has garnished the respect of many a prominent Rabbonim and Rebbetzins.

I on the other hand find such a "powerful leap" into Judaism a stark contrast from my own. Sure, I also had religious Grandparents, but I held little regard for the X-tian church (however since I was a "good kid" I didn't give anyone in my family a hard time about it; just kept my misgivings to myself for the most part). I took much more to the esoteric teachings of Rastafarianism as presented by my Father, as well as the "no-worries/soon-come" attitude displayed by the Jamaican side of my family. Til this day, I cherish the "activity" of popping open a Red Stripe and watching the palm trees wrestle from my balcony. Later on, I found [Reform] Judaism to be a welcome answer to my quandry of wanting to be a part of some organized religion (I did believe in the Creator anyway) without having all these rules to "cramp my style". While I did not have to be dragged into Torah observant Judaism kicking and screaming, I did question and watch. I did need to take a "full inventory" of myself and see if this was really for me.

Since I got interested in Judaism from such an early age, it is hard to know if there were any "mysterious inklings" of Yiddishkeit infused into my upbringing. I've worn a Magen David around my neck since I was 13, but that was my own doing. I was a vegetarian from age 15 since Rastas teach that such is "ital" food, and good for the soul. I learned the Shema and some brachot in Hebrew simply because I thought it would be cool to utter stuff that no one else could understand. In my opinon, it's all less than exemplary starts to actions I find so meaningful today.

I guess my concern is that people will see my skin color, find out my desire to become an Orthodox Jew, and then build a persona from that. I do not know tehillim by heart. I do not hum or sing gospel tunes or Negro spirituals. I know diddly-squat about the Black X-tian community of the American south.

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I also find disappointment in the notion that a certain background makes a "good candidate" for conversion to Judaism. Aside from the obvious obstacles, such as drug addiction, romantic involvement with an atheist or non-Jew adverse to Judaism, living far removed from a Torah observant community, etc., the idea of "profiling" seems pointless. In the past, there have even been flagrant anti-Semitics who have been converted to Judaism (although I doubt if this might fly nowadays!). While I was far from being a degenerate, for years I was involved with the skinhead/punk scene; complete with the jean jacket with band pins all over it, Doc Martens, piercings (tongue & belly button), tattoos (actually singular - I only have one) and dilly-dabbling in more than a few controlled substances. Dare I say I'm not ashamed of any parts of my past? Being involved in a fringe subculture shows you the grittier portions of society from within and from without. I know what living without hope, faith, and self-worth is like. I saw how destructive passion can be when directed into the wrong channels. On a more positive note, I learned how to look beyond externals. I've known highly intelligent folks whith graduate degrees in science who had spikes poking through their nose. Forging friendships with such people taught me that none of Hashem's creation is superfluous.

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After contributing some comments to Treifalicious's blog, I started re-examining the notion of racist behavior among frum Jews and why I don't see it as an immediate problem to me (although it is a problem, just not one that makes me want to run away from the frum community) . It all seems to cycle back to my personality; the personality that was forged for me long before I chose to embark on this path. My Grandfather, who is wiser than I could ever dream of being, put it very well when he says, "I'm not looking for your love; I'm looking for your respect." I guess I've taken that notion to heart with me. Of course my integration into my host Jewish community is very important to my success in living a Torah observant life; but I can't lose sleep over Jews doubting my worthiness to join their ranks. I personally feel infintely grateful that Hashem made me the way he did (although he could have given me a prettier nose...hehehehe). What consequence it is to me if someone else does not feel the same way? If it makes you uneasy to see me davening along side of you on Rosh Hoshanah, or if I shatter your image of a "good Jewish girl", or if you are petrified that a young male in your family will choose me to become his bride, perhaps you should have a heart to heart with HaKadosh Baruch Hu instead of gossiping about it among others?

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Returning thoughts back to the lecture last night, most of the audience's questions focused upon some aspect of acceptance. Everyone was curious as to "how hard a time" Ahuvah Gray has had along the way. Why would the Jewish community be asking her this instead of having it the other way around?" Why is it that a Black person who chooses to convert to Judaism is an oddity? How do Torah observant Jews let their minds wander into the gutters of racial profiling? Why do you assume that the absorbtion of a "ethnic" sincere convert must be a painful one? I think it's pretty obvious that if you can accept the role that the Creator has designated to Am Yisrael, than true acceptance of any convert should be a no-brainer.