Hello Again Tishrei, We Meet Again

Yom Kippur is one of those holidays that all Jews seem to be acutely aware of, even if they do not observe it. For years, I took special note of Yom Kippur -- seeing it as a time to look at your spiritual reflection. And it has always been a holiday that I looked forward to. A time when I could devote an entire day to nothing but a "heart-to-heart" with my Creator.

Somehow that feeling has changed; and I am a bit more fearful of Yom Kippur this time around. Last year, Yom Kippur was on September 21-22. I do not remember the details of all of last Tishrei, but I am sure I davened with a heart full of repentence, hope, gratitude and humility. At least I tried to. But then, about a month later, I had my car accident; and it just turned my life completely upside down.

Who can say (no one?) that my car accident was or was not a product of my tefillos last Tishrei? One thing that was decreed, which I am ever so thankful for, is that I was allotted at least one more year of life. On top of that, things could have been so much worse than what they turned out to be. But now Tishrei is here again, and not only am I davening for life and brachas, and all that sort of stuff; but I am also davening to be spared from Hashem sending any more drastic "signs" my way. I mean I do not even know if my accident was a "sign" or anything like that. And I do not ask "Why me?", but rather "What was wrong?". My "old life" was effectively taken away from me so quickly. It seemed to be working out ok for me...for my neshama. I had finally made friends in the Jewish community and I seemed to be progressing towards conversion very soon. But somehow it was not meant to be.

Of course, feelings change over time. I remember that while I was in the hospital, I was in an unnaturally good mood given my condition. Despite having no family or friends around to come visit on a regular basis, I did not feel alone because I was acutely aware that G-d was always with me. In addition to that, many of my stresses were relieved -- thanks to a decent job, and a bit of insurance money, and the opportunity to go back to school. But as the months passed by, I lost some of my resolve, and it started to sink in that my body is now "damaged goods" so to speak. I lost touch with many people in FL; I stopped seeing much physical improvement and hearing encouragement from the doctor; my overall health and appearance has suffered. After saying Modeh Ani, I walk as if my bones are frozen. I am not in constant pain, B"H, but I am almost always uncomfortable to some degree.

So hopefully Hashem will forgive me, but I can't help but to wonder what I could have done; where I could have made a mistake, for this to happen. By saying this, I am not freely admitting that I do not fully appreciate having my life spared. They say you never miss the water until the well runs dry; and my well of Yiddishkeit has really run low. I miss seeing the streets of NMB fill up with Jews on a Friday night. I miss calling up my friends to get an update on the shiurim for the week. I miss my Sunday morning tehillim group. I even miss Rabbi R.'s praises for the Bush administration's support of Israel.

My life is currently a bittersweet tonic; in that what I have found in PA is more resolve and more welcoming people in the Jewish community here. On the other hand, I am slightly horrified at how much I have forgotten by not doing a full 9 months of anything. For example, I packed my comb in my overnight bag for Yontif and then used it to take out my french braid from the 1st day of Yontif and fix my hair a different way. Only when I got home and started to unpack my bag did I look at the comb and think, "Hmmm now this is something I don't pack for Shabbos....so is combing prohibited on Yontif?". It did not take to long to confirm that it was. I am disappointed that I did not remember that, but even more frustrated that I have many seforim that I brought that I could study -- except that they are still in FL with just about everything else in my apartment. So G-d, understand that I am trying; but I have most definitely been set back. I just hope I have the resolve to move forward again. However there is also the fear that all the resolve in the world can't produce what is not meant to be. So maybe I should just daven for some good old-fashioned help. Nevertheless, I am hoping that Hashem will make things just a little bit easier for me this year; I'm hoping....

It getting chilly; but I brought a few cheap layering tops to wear under some of the many JCPenny's tops my sister tossed my way. It's sort of a new look for me because I never layered clothing while living in Miami. You can be tznius without producing sweat stains all over your clothes! The weather is still a surprise though, and at this rate, I'll have to dig out my leather coat for Sukkos. But I'm looking forward to it; if I can get past Yom Kippur -- I will be looking forward to the rest of the year, which IY"H, will be a good one.