A Real Shidduch Crisis

Last week, an article was brought to my attention entitled, "The Marriage Question: Non-White Jews Wonder If They Will Find Spouses". With such a good title, I felt compelled to read the article. I was expecting little, but surprisingly, it was very good. Apparently Shoshana Kordova is accustomed to writing about hairy topic such as this and Jewish single mothers by choice. I could not find anything about her hashkafic background, but she seems pretty knowledgeable and sensitive to Torah observant Jews.

Although the overall tone of the article is not positive, I appreciated the fact that the author did not chalk up the problems that Black Jews face in shidduchim to overly-simplified Jewish racism or hypocrisy. Instead the focus is more so on the specific reasons which underlie the problem; lack of exposure and limited experience. However this "Jews are just racist" theme does come out a bit in the dialogues with the people being interviewed. For example there is an Adam Resnick who states that Black conversion [to Judaism] students have it the hardest. He qualifies this by saying that when people ask if a conversion student is romantically attached, they never inquire about the Black students (and my thoughts on that is if he recognizes this as a problem, why doesn't he suggest them himself then?).

But I find the personal accounts of Tashia Moore and Connie Singman to be invaluable. Here you have sufficient focus on the people who are directly affected by the subject of the article (as oppossed to an outsider assessing the situation). In fact Tashia's background is pretty similar to mine, in that she already starting identifying with Judaism from a young age. Then you go through a sort of "cultural rude awakening" when you step over into Orthodox Judaism and you have to reconcile the fact that you are not Jewish at all. And of course, even after you convert, there are some Jews where you will never be able to truly be a Jew (thankfully, they are declining in number). But the concerns of Tashia and Connie give a much needed voice to the other side of the coin. This is a case where the Orthodox Jewish community does not need a lecture on how racist or hypocritical they are. Instead, they just need to hear the voices of the fellow Jews-of-color. On a level that demonstrates that they are, in fact, part of the same family.

The article is not dated, but judging from the link, I would say it was written in 2001. A Google search for "Tashia Moore" today brought up this Facebook page, where it appears that she did eventually find a shidduch (if that is in fact her).

Can We Be As Passionate About Our Faith As We Are About Politics? Please?

(*Note: I already posted a very similar entry after the election. I came close to deleting this one due to the repetition of the topic. But then decided against it because apparently this issue has reared its ugly head again.)

A few days ago I received an e-mail from a frum friend of mine living in Eretz Yisrael that showed the picture above - distorted a bit, and with a large Afro. Needless to say, I did not really get the humor; nor do I find any point in such things. Later on IM, they posed the question if I thought it was funny or not and I was frank and said "no". That's when a whole deluge of anti-Obama rhetoric came pouring out and when I still failed to agree, it was suggested that I convert to become a Muslim instead of a Jew.

Seriously? Come on now.

I have never been the type of person who gets super emotional over politics; even though when I was in college, I held some pretty novel political beliefs and even became a member of the Democratic Socialists of America. Yes, it sounds scary -- but I simply feel that the richest country on the planet should provide for its citizens accordingly. I remember back in 2006 when I was laid off, I was able to collect unemployment in FL, but the maximum benefit (no matter how much you made on your previous job) was $250/wk before taxes (so I think I ended up with $234 per week...or something like that). My rent alone was $825/mo. So I looked into social service programs that would be able to help me out to keep me in my home and get food. There was basically no programs available for me because I was not on drugs, did not have children, was not in eviction court, or did not live in public housing. It was not as if I was a freeloader either; in the previous year, I paid more than $10K in taxes alone.

Ok, so back to the topic at hand, I realize that my political opinions are the minoritiy opinion in the frum world. I do not have any issue with that, and I do in fact know of other Orthodox Jews who voted for and support President Obama. So my hurt and disappointment is not about the politics -- but about the energy expended on and to such a topic. Of course we all have our passions. But we also must have our priorities. And I think to snub another Jew (although I'm not a Jew...just trying to simply things for writing's sake) because you disagree with their politics is an unfortunate thing to do. Now there is a difference between no liking someone in general and in addition to that you disagree with their political idealogies. But this was not the case in my instance -- we had been friends for a few years.

I can't pretend to know the true thoughts of others (any time I even "went there", I failed miserably), but I think what happened here is that this person felt that being anti-Obama was being pro-Israel and of course a Torah observant Jew must be pro-Israel; so the conclusion is that if you are not anti-Obama you can not be a Torah observant Jew! This Swiss-cheese logic puts up a divide between Jews that does not even need to be there. In my own humble opinion, no American President can or will be a complete friend of Israel because his primary obligation is to look out for the needs and the status of the country he (or she) is the head of. Now if Israel can benefit in some way, this is a blessing. And yes, Israel depends a lot on the United States and Americans for support. But we need to put our hope in Hashem; not any politician.

Of course I know where my loyalties lie as well. I often tell people that even if I were healthy, I would not fight in the US military, but would serve in the IDF. This is because I feel America is just a sojourn; and it will rise (or has risen) and will one day fade away. Israel and the covenant with Hashem is eternal. With that being said I am also a Black American and I grew up with intimate knowledge of the disparities in this country in regards to race. So I am unbelievably proud that this country elected Barack Obama to this country's highest office. Yet if President Obama would ever outright slight the Jews, I would be his first critic. But the political game with talks and negotiations is not any slight against the Jews. If President Obama had it in for Jews, why would he bother hosting a Passover seder at the White House (even though that was strange for my tastes...a non-Jew hosting a seder...uh....)?

Anyway thinking about this whole misshegus just makes my head spin. Political drivel is really beneath Am Yisrael...

Musings Regarding Kol Isha (Post Was Pending for 3+ Weeks...)

Tznius is one of those things I embraced and it felt like a homecoming of sorts. From a personal perspective tznius enabled me to reconcile my uniqueness as a woman and shrug of the modern societal film that coats many of us and pushes us towards being unisex. So when I first heard about kol isha, it was a surprise (since the female singing voice is everywhere it seems) but it did not seem unreasonable. Well, no more "unreasonable" than not opening an umbrella on Shabbos.

Or maybe this is because in my case, it doesn't really apply???

Last night, I had a performance where I played [the saxophone] in a band. While it's true I was playing along with 70+ other people, it was a mixed audience, mixed ensemble -- I feel that if I were a singer, I would be out of luck. In this aspect, I feel that Judaism forces us to accept ourselves for what we are; and also not to sugar coat things for what they are. Any musical instrument can be amazingly expressive in the hands of an expert. But it is not their voice...a part of their essence that you are hearing. The instrument is a machine, a tool. It is very powerful, but still an emulation.

So is it not possible that a woman can hear a man's singing voice, and it lead to the development of inappropriate thoughts?

The truth of the matter is our creator knows us so much better than we know ourselves. The very real issue that men in general have is to focus on tangibles. What do I have? What could be available to me? What can I see? Not that I know the exact answer, but why are man commanded to wear tzit-tzit and wrap tefillin while women are not? Wouldn't women also benefit from this physical reminders of piety?

What happens often times is that our lives are molded by our perceptions. If you perceive the laws of the Torah and the mores of Jewish living to be limiting, that has a tendency to manifest itself. If you see the Torah as giving you the tools to reach your full potential, then that also manifests itself. I will be the first to say that many secular women do not have an easy time taking on the mitzvot of tznius. It is so very, very hard to ignore what the larger society has instilled into women for so long -- that "you are equal to men". Real life is not based on equality and sanitation of what people are. No, the most interesting life is one where everyone plays their part, and they play it well.

Back to Basics

This past Shabbos, I went to Pittsburgh -- for what I think was my first Shabbos there. It was nice...the weather was great. The family I stayed by was Lubavitch, and it was interesting to note the differences in minhagim; small...but interesting. Apparently they have benchers in nusach Ari (I never know that) and hold differently about the obligation in shalosh suedas.

I went to services at Poale Zedeck on my own. The Lubavitch Center would have been too far of a walk; besides, PZ davened in a format I was used to. It was my first time in PZ and it reminded me of how a shul would be in Europe. Not that I've ever been to Europe. Also I don't know exactly what gave it that feel. The ezrat nashim was in a balcony; I had been in plenty of those before. However the main sanctuary itself was also on the second floor, so you had this sensation that you were in a tower. Needless to say, I would not have been able to manage if I still had my cane or walker!

They had a visiting Rabbi who spoke who is a candidate to be the new rabbi of PZ. To my surprise, there were a few people there that I knew, and they told me that this was their third candidate. They also remarked (when I say "they" I mean women...so I do not know if they will be able to vote or not) that they aren't sure who will be selected. Apparently the shul has changed a bit since the last rabbi came through. Although they are still Modern Orthodox there has been a "shift to the right" among the congregation. Now that is something I have not heard to much of since I left FL! I don't even know what "Modern Orthodox" even means any more. Hashkafically I do, but when someone says they are Modern Orthodox, I find that it just leaves the door wide open really.

I am still studying halachos brachos. It's much more intense and involved than I anticipated; like by 250%. I may just print out the entire Aish HaTorah Pathways course on the subject and use that as my "cliff notes".

G-d is not my "friend"

Well I've been sort of drawn into a stalemate in some discussions with some individuals on the OCJ Yahoo group. Ironically, I decided to offer my opinion because of feelings that came about from reading the discussions of my Xtian peers in my religious studies class. Here's how the issue was originally presented (as a question from someone else on the OCJ list):

I was listening to an online class about how Jews view G-d and the Rabbi said that converts come to him all the time saying they feel G-d's presence in their lives and converting to Judaism is what G-d wants them to do. Then he said that that is totally against Judaism's view on G-d. To believe that G-d's presence is in your life is idolatry because G-d is so far above humans that you can't be close to him and no one knows what G-d wants and to believe that is to make G-d in your image.

Now I can totally understand where this Rabbi is coming from (a YU rabbi apparently). But somehow this notion came under fire and interpreted that "Jews do not maintain a close personal relationship with G-d." Several group members commented that they believe in divine intervention in life, that they feel that Hashem cares about them, that they turn to Hashem in their time of need. I do/feel these things as well! I just do not cheapen HaKadosh Baruch Hu to being a simple "friend"; even if it will help me to relate to him.

Maybe this is why chassidim is not the path for me...which I am perfectly fine with. Let me back up for a minute though. A central tenet of Xtianity is that G-d manifested himself (or a version of himself) in a human form. Growing up as a child in a Xtian Sunday school, I remember singing a song where the lyrics included, "...he walks with me, he talks with me..."; now I don't remember if it was J.C. or G-d that was being referred to. However, I am pretty sure that no Jewish children are being taught such a song, and with good reason. The essence of the Creator should not be casually referred to. Jews place themselves into a certain state to approach him. If this is not true, why do we take three steps forward before starting the Shomoneh Esrei? Why do men visit the mikveh before Yom Kippur? Why do we ensure to be fully clothed and presentable before uttering any tefillot with G-d's name? Why not just pray in my undies? Hey, I have no hangups letting my close female friends see me in my undies.

Xtians build awesome churches to help the create the feeling of awe of being in G-d presence. While there are extravagant synagogues as well, churches have these specific purpose. Once outside the church, Xtians are released from "the awesomeness" and G-d becomes a constant companion. Like an imaginary friend, only those who acknowledge him get to reap the benefits. I'm sorry, but I have never heard a Jew say, "I'm so glad that I have G-d in my life." G-d is in everyone's life! The Jew, the gentile, the bears running in the woods, etc.

Before this rabbi even brought it up, it has bothered me in the past whenever I hear a gentile who decides to convert to Judaism say, "this is what G-d wants for me..."; it's like, no, this is what you want. That's the true beauty of this life. Hashem has infused us with free choice, gives us the ability to acquire and process knowledge, and makes opportunities. Maybe I am wrong, but I would rather not believe in the notion that Hashem is a puppetmaster who controls the world absolutely. Hashem is a provider, who has entrusted us with his creation and given us a tool (the Torah) to tap into a higher spiritual plane (if we want to).

Babies, Babies Everywhere

Ok, I am annoyed that the media is totally taking the bait in regares to this "octuplet woman". People are already talking about book deals, and TV appearances. No doubt if she goes on Oprah, she'll be set. I think her story of being a real-life Old Woman In A Shoe (although she's only 33 I believe) is a curiosity...but other than that, I fail to see what the big deal is.

In the frum community, families tend be huge -- on average; especially when you compare it with the American or European standards of "acceptable family size". It seems though, as if this was not always the case. Orthodox Jewish families of generations past seemed to be around half the size ( 4 or 5 children as opposed to the 8 or 10 you see in religious families today). I can't prove that...but it this is what I perceive. I have actually heard some frum people state that they feel a need to boost the Jewish population after the loss of 6 million Jews in the holocaust. Or maybe it's all part of the "shift to the right" where the main expectation of a young frum woman is to be a mother. Jews kvell at the thought of this; is it not permitted for non-religious of non-Jewish people to feel the same?

But I am not singling out the Jewish community; not in the least. This is more about recognizing a severe twist in values in regard to family size among the American citizenry. There is an interesting article on MSN.com, that touches on the stark contrast between the public reation to Nadya Suleman - single mother, low income (?) vs. the Duggar family - White Christians who are financially well-off. Of course having 14 children under the age on 7 is a big difference from having 18 children ranging from ages 20 to a few months. However there are plenty of parents where 1 child (of any age) is too many for them.

It is interesting that all of my grandparents come from large families (11, 8, 9 and 16 children respectively) and they were all quite poor (not "low-income" but poor). Yet no one in my more imediate family has a significant number of children. I have a second cousin who is 7 years older than me who has 5, and some of my family members feel she has lost her mind or something. I imagine that if I myself were to ever get married and start reproducing, my family's pleasure would start to wane at around child #3. I would probably be deemed insane at around child #6. Yet I have never been the type to let the standards of other dictate my choices in life. I also cannot bring myself to make statements such as, "I want a large family"...because if I am a single woman or married to an alcoholic or something (chas v'shalom) I don't want a brood of children running underfoot. However I am not going to stand in the way of my husband's responsibility of pru urvu simply because I don't want to get fat and suffer from backaches. Also people fail to understand just how much Hashem is involved in something as tricky as conception. I certainly feel that it's tricky enough to not want to introduce things like hormonal birth control into the mix.

I say it all the time, but maybe I am in fact "strange" since seeing exceptionally large families brings no feelings of resentment or great happiness for me. It just is what it is. Yes, those parents are sleep deprived, spending 80% of their income on child-related expenses. However they also receive immeasurable joy from seeing their offspring grow and thrive multiple times. Although I do not know from first hand experience, I could imagine that the experience of bringing a new human being into this world can be addicting. So besides the fact that Hashem has commanded men to procreate, it is not one of those commandments that is an unpleasant experience. So who is it that came up with this idea that children are some sort of curse?

Discussion from Week 2 of my Religious Studies Class

Note: my class is full of very religious Xtians, so I really need to temper what I write. This is proving to be an interesting exercise in tact for me!

Please state in a couple of paragraphs why you think the book of Genesis is so important to the religious life and culture of Israel. Identify the one or two themes of Genesis that seem most important to you and explain why.

The Book of Genesis, in essence, sets the foundation for defining the entire culture of Israel. Not only does Genesis present the basis for the beginnings of the nation of Israel (including their belief system), but also for the rest of the world as well. Genesis helps to explain how the culture of Israel deals with the "big questions" of human thought: "How did the world begin?", "What role do humans have in the world?", and "How did our people come to be?".

The two themes I find to be key in Genesis both deal with creation. Ironically, I will not be referring to the Adam and Eve narrative which was the initial "creation". Rather the two creation stories that more solidify the culture of Israel -- the stories of Noah and of Abraham.

In the story of Noah, Genesis presents the background of all humans on the earth today. Noah, as Genesis presents him, is the physical and spiritual ancestor of everyone alive today. Although Noah had no written Bible to serve as a reference for ethical living, G-d did present to him a covenant; which would include him and all of his descendants (so all of us today). This covenant pre-dates the revelation of the 10 Commandments given at Mt. Sinai. Yet it seems here, for the first time since the creation of the world, G-d is giving specific instructions regarding ethical living. In Genesis 9:1 to 9:17, it seems as if G-d has made a "change" in how he relates to humans. The story of Noah presents humankind expectations of behavior, a clearer view of reward and punishment, and precedent of showing that G-d's involvement with the world shall be ongoing.

In the story of Abraham, Genesis presents the creation of the nation of Israel (and the seeds of Christianity and Islam as well). What is interesting is that Abraham seemed to have converts (Genesis 12:5) to his pioneering belief in one G-d, yet a great importance was placed on the fact that Abraham had a biological son, Isaac, through which the nation of Israel would descend. Undoubtedly, throughout the entire Bible, you have a strong emphasis placed on lineages, in addition to the theological teachings. This demonstrates how it has come to be that the culture of Israel includes both belief and biological ties. A "non-believing" member of the nation of Israel is still a member. This system of biology & belief has also made the nation of Israel a very "portable" group of people. Their essence is not intrinsic on the existence of any particular country, and they are not easily absorbed by other cultures.

Overall, I feel my response was super-simplistic. But it was still about double the length of what everyone else posted. It's the first "writing" week, so I'll see how the feedback goes and adjust accordingly.

Scholarly Religion

One of the courses I am taking this semester is Studies in Hebrew Scriptures.  It's an online class (just like my 3 other classes), and I figured it would be an interesting class to take in order to fill my upper-division elective requirement. From what I can tell, there are 14 students in the class.  Of that 14, 10 have proclaimed to be born-again Christians who seem to be approaching this course as "bible study for credit".

I attend a large public university; and without a doubt, such institutions will always have a religious Christian contingency. WVU would probably have a higher than average amount. Just by looking at the roster of religious clubs on campus will attest to that. But I have had little (no?) interaction with that side of the collegiate populace. When I was on campus and in Hillel, religion seemed to be not so important to us. The majority of the members were Conservative, and I was Reform -- but there were no theological discussions about why we were what we were. We had a very abbrieviated service on Friday night and holiday parties, and that was it. We focused on the fact that we were all Jewish and hung out and that was that.

The course only began on Monday, so there have only been 2 days of introductions and discussions.  Already I see a stark contrast in how religious Christians (like my classmates) and religious Jews talk about G-d. First of all, they use the word "love" a lot ("I love the L-rd"; "Ilove reading the Bible", etc.). I also notice that they refer the Creator also as a person -- as a friend -- or maybe even a lover, by saying things like, "He has stood by me through thick and thin" or "Jesus has turned my life around". I find this very interesting. And I also realize that there are a great many Jews who feel this way (in fact, Chassidus is centered on a "feeling" relationship with G-d). Yet it is still very different...and I can't quite put my finger on exactly what it is. My cursory conclusion is these particular religious Christians (no one revealed their denomination...but I'm pretty confident they are all Protestant) see G-d (and Jesus, at his right-hand side in heaven I guess) as the puppetmaster who is controlling the world. Whereas Jews take on a personal responsibility for maintaining the proper order of the world by doing their part of maintaining their covenant with G-d.

The following is from the class syllabus:

In this course the student will be able to:

1. Recognize and identify important people and events throughout Israel’s ancient history. 
2. Understand the historical, cultural, and religious settings behind the Hebrew Scriptures. 
3. Analyze the impact major events and people had on the life and faith of Israel.
4. Develop a deeper understanding of at least one Old Testament book. 
5. Evaluate how various theological concepts have shaped Israel, her existence, and her thought.
6. Compare, contrast, and critique ideas through collaborative learning.

Here you can see that in theory, someone should be able to objectively approach the course material to accomplish these goals.  Yet I get the feeling that this focus on the "Old Testament" may conjure up some discussions that will invariably lead the "...this is what I believe..." sort of discussions. We'll have to see.

Shedding Light On Halachaic Gierut?

Someone pointed me towards this article by Rabbi Marc Angel in regards to what really constitutes a conversion to Judaism al pi halacha, and what is deemed as...well..."excessive" (my terminology, not his). In many ways, I agree with his feelings regarding what constitutes "acceptance of the mitzvot"; but on the other hand, I see where it can very easily be misconstrued. For example, if a woman undergoes a conversion through an Orthodox Beit Din; and then subsequently, you discover this woman doesn't cover her hair after marriage and feeds Hebrew National hot dogs to her family, that should not make her Jewishness "null and void"*. On the other hand if you have a woman who underwent a halachaic conversion, and it was discovered that they were engaged in a forbidden relationship with a Kohen, in total defiance of halacha, then yes, there is a problem.

Shortly after reading this article, I found out that the Rabbinical Council of America launched a new website about their initiatives to help set a standard for Orthodox Jewish conversion. After reading through the website, nothing major was revealed that I already did not know before. However, I did notice that the tone of the writing on the website was far less draconian than the bits and pieces of information supplied to others regarding this issue. Understand that within the last two years, the mentioning of "RCA" and "conversion" in one sentence was enough to make the hearts of most gerim (or gerim-to-be) skip a few beats. A major factor of this, no doubt, has been misconceptions.

The most interesting thing that I have picked up on [by reading these two things so close together] is that the picture that Rabbi Angel paints is quite a bit different than what the RCA presents. While this is not a surprise, it makes you wonder which side is closer to the reality? The RCA's conversion website has an FAQ section, but in my humble opinion, it's pretty meager. Also, there seem to be some inaccuracies. For example, in regards to costs, the application fee seems to be $250, not $100. Little details like this make me wonder if the information contained is truly current (although the website is brand new...).

IY"H, in about 3 weeks I will be meeting with the Beis Din in Pittsburgh (an RCA Beis Din) and will see first hand their approach towards conversion. How much will they lean towards the side of having rachmoness and consideration for individual situation and how much will they be "sticking to the rules". Rules that quite possibly have little to do with an individual's commitment to live a Torah directed life and cast their lot with the Jewish nation. I do applaud the efforts to establish some sort of national data clearinghouse of halachaic converts in the USA to help alleviate some of the issues that arise when trying to verify someone's Jewishness.

* - the RCA openly noted that they do not "nullify" conversions. However, they do have the option of not endorsing a conversion done outside their network of recognized Batei Din. This could (obviously) cause problems of acceptance by the Rabbinut in Eretz Yisrael.

Of Course ;-)

Well I'll be volunteering in the morning at the Kane Nursing Center. I might take in a movie later on that night.

Happy Holidays

This is my second December up in PA. True, last December, I was camped out on the couch, confined, due to my injuries. I did venture out a couple of times. But mainly to release cabin fever.

Now it's about a year later and I'm back in society. I have to admit, there is something about Miami where X-mas just isn't a big deal. Maybe because there just are so many Jews (religious and secular) and also the whole notion of importing in evergreen trees seems to be strange. Nonetheless the 25th of December just sort of came and went and it wasn't a big deal (well I learned the hard way NOT to try to order kosher Chinese that day).

But Pennsylvania is "different". Pretty much everyone assumes that you celebrate the the "holidays" complete with a tree, exchanging presents...the whole nine yards. It is a far cry from feeling alienated. However it's been ages since I've celebrated Xmas; it was probably in high school when I stopped. So it's not something I need to "get used to" either.

In fact, I think I have got too used to it. Yes, Hanukkah is coming up; but it is not a major Jewish holiday. It is a wonderful holiday; but not a major one. You do not get the emotional build up, the days off of work, the special services (yes there are extra brachot that you say, but not a special service). Before I joined the frum world, I would exchange and receive "hanukkah gifts", but I have not done that in ages.

It is around "this time" that you realize just how "unique" you are as a non-Xtian in America. You bow out of the company luncheons (well I do because of kashrus reasons), you don't hum along to Xmas carols, and you don't go into serious debt buying items for loved ones. Yet I am not jealous of not having the holiday. People are curious about it, and it doesn't unnerve me. But I can see how it can make many people feel "odd". Feeling "odd"; it very much comes with the territory for gerim.

A Box O' Books

A couple of weeks ago, Ms. Aliza posted on her site about a Hanukkah book contest. I was one of the winners, but I promptly forgot about it. Well yesterday I came home to a box with 5 books in it. I was a bit baffled and was concerned that either it was some sort of mistake or that I now owed someone some sort of favor ($124.91 worth of favors). Then I took another look at the packing slip. The bill to name was simply "The Hachette Book Group". I googled them, and then saw what was going on. Ah....

Thank you Aliza! You see, blogging definitely has it's perks; you just have to be tenacious :-)!

#%*!#!@ >:(

Question: Are you SERIOUS?!?!

Detroit Church Prays for Auto Bailout.

I can't even bring myself to write about this; I'm that disgusted!

The Birds & The Bees

I have sort of wrestled on how to write about this; but hey, I need to get it off of my chest (I intend absolutely no puns in this entry!) so to speak. A couple of weeks ago, I came across the Calm Kallahs forum and I've been reading through it in silent, mild horror. The premise of the forum's creation is a good one; Orthodox Jewish kallahs have a place to exchange information and vent a bit. From observation, I think few things can be as stressful as a religious Jewish wedding. Not only must you get a wedding together in an impossibly short period of time, but you are also dealing with getting a crash course in male-female emotional dynamics and sex. And from I see on Calm Kallahs, I really wonder if all that many actually "get it".

Now I should clarify; I am not criticizing the frum marriage process or it's chances at success, chas v'shalom. No doubt, observant Jewish married couples fare much better than their secular counterpoints. What I am focusing on here are the misconceptions regarding sex and the emotional aspects of the marriage relationship. From my point of view, even after 4 years in the frum community, I have no idea of how "intimate matters" get discussed in a frum family. From the Calm Kallahs forum, and also a friend of mine in Florida who taught "kallah classes" and admitted that many of the women were just so embarrassed to even deal with the requirements; I guess that it is not discussed too much.

My sex education (and I really hope this will not reflect as "oh look at how untznius Miss S. is!" since what is past is past) consisted early on as my Grandmother telling me that if any boy tried to touch my private areas or tried to take off my clothing, I was to run away since he was undoubtedly evil. In my Xtian home, I got the general impression that sex was sinful and of course I never witnessed any type of physical intimacies (not even kisses or hand holding) between my Grandparents. My Grandfather likes to stretch the truth/exaggerate, but he once admitted to me that after my mother was born, there just wasn't any more sex [between them]. What is true is that my mother was a colicy baby and my Grandmother had a hysterectomy in her late 30s (she was 47 when I was born). My Grandmother, being a very religious Christian probably honestly saw no point in sex since she was obviously done with children (this differs from the Jewish view of sex considerably of course).

No one spoke to me specifically about the basis, but we had a lot of books in our house including Our Bodies, Ourselves which had a very feminist slant (even had chapters on lesbianism) and plenty of illustrations that left nothing up to the imagination. So by age 10 or 11 maybe, I pretty much understood the mechanics of sex. It wasn't until high school when they presented sex education (presented by Planned Parenthood) that I learned anything else. By that point, about 1/4 of my class had already had some sort of sexual encounter. I on the other hand, ended up graduating high school without having ever gone on a date with (much less kissed) a boy.

Even though I was "odd" and a "late bloomer" by secular standards; I always had friends of both sexes who would have very frank sexual discussions with. Looking back however, just the conversations with my female friends would had sufficed. Now I never sat in on a kallah class, but I somehow do not picture the same depth of conversation that I had with my female friends in college.  Now if you compare this to how I am now, pretty much shomer negia (I do touch men in professional settings for handshakes), and sex is no longer a recreational sport.  However, there are frum women who I am friendly with, that I think I could absolutely sit down and have frank conversations with (on the topic of sex).  This seems to be normal and natural and I don't really see how such shouldn't be regarded as tznius.

Now several years ago, I discovered Nishmat, which is a thorough, helpful resource for information regarding taharas hamishpacha.  Its antithesis is Calm Kallahs.  So you see, for me, it is not about having the need to ask questions and need some guidance in regards to sex -- the Torah observant community thrives on the freedom to ask questions!  But rather the problem is unhealthy means in which the subject is thought about and handled.  When it comes to questions such as, "Can I get pregnant if I'm on top and my husband is on the bottom?", there is no reason why you can't ask that question to someone you are close to in your family or a friend.  I would be incredibly saddened if I found out my daughter or sister posted such a question on the internet to get an answer instead of coming to me.  The popularity of such questions reveal that too many Jews are regarding sex as a "dirty little secret" when really that is not the case at all.  What kind of impression is given about the frum community that we choose not to place any sort of emphasis on healthy sexuality?

Baruch Dayan Emes :-(

See details on Chabad's website here

Somehow, Jews Just Cannot Escape Terrorism!

I was saddened when I heard news of the terrorist attacks in India last night. Yet my heart just broke that even in India, Jews were also subjected to this. Rabbi Holtzberg (on the far left) and his wife are still not accounted for. The Chabad was targeted in the terrorists' search for "foreigners".

Please say tehillim for Gavriel Noach ben Freida Bluma, Rivka bas Yehudis and Moshe Tzvi Ben Rivka.

Pierre's Sorbet (Adventures in Kashrus III)

I am officially a repeat offender of this stuff. I just picked up some today to take to New York with me for Shabbos. I purchased my first quart (of the peach flavor) on a whim when I couldn't find any nice flowers for my host for Shabbos. They liked it. They then brought more and served it for during yontif (Rosh Hashanah & Sukkos). Two more of their guests remarked to me that they are now buying it as well and that they really like it too. I guess it also helps that it is easily available at Giant Eagle.

The funny thing is, I myself think it's just "ok"; but I'm partial to parve chocolate desserts. However it is very light and refreshing. I think that's what most people like about it.

Does "Chosen" = "Superior"?

In the Jewish Week, there is an article entitled, "The Heretical Notion of 'Jewish Superiority'". I felt that the article successfully presents the proper attitude that Jews should possess regarding the non-Jewish people they live amongst. Unfortunately, if this were not a widely believed myth, I guess there would be no need to write about it. The question arises then, why does this "myth" continue to be perpetuated in the frum community?

My first "real life" exposure to Torah observant Judaism was through the kiruv community (Aish HaTorah and rabbonim from Ohr Somayach namely). A big draw to kiruv is telling non-frum Jews that they are "special" and "unique" and poised and ready to be designated for a higher level of living. This nurtures the necessary "warm & fuzzy" feelings that are needed to rope in these people and bring them back to Torah observance; so in that aspect it's good. However, what is the response when a non-Jew starts to express interest in Judaism? "Oh, well, Judaism doesn't seek converts. You were born a certain way for a reason; you are just fine the way you are". The first part of the aforementioned statement is true; but what about the rest of it? Imagine being a non-Jew hearing this, and while you can get all sorts of logical (and illogical) explanations about why you are what you are -- I think it is rare that the non-Jew interprets this information without thinking, "Wow, I am just not on the same level as a born Jew". This is pretty comparable to a blind person feeling that they are less than a human because they cannot see. But it is not completely equivalent since blindness is an indisputable physical handicap while being a non-Jew is a debatable spiritual handicap.

I personally get a bit bothered when people say I have a "Jewish neshama". Actually, I feel that my soul is just mine. Like Rabbi Ben-Chaim said, becoming a Jew is not some sort of "improvement" over the old me. It's more of an honored designation; like becoming a doctor. Maybe I have the wrong mindset, but I see the process of becoming a Jew as something that is done; actions by myself and by the Jewish community. Therefore, I don't question Hashem as to why he saw that it was necessary for me to be born as a gentile (although I do struggle with all the difficulties I encounter while "walking my path"). Being a Jew is not really a state of "being" at all in my opinion. If that were the case, I would never be able to become a "true Jew" outside of some sort of miraculous divine designation along the lines of what happened at Har Sinai. Maybe this is why Jews have such a hard time digesting converts? You can act "like" us, but you can never change the fact that you were not born like us.

So returning back to the kiruv thing; yes, there is a dire need to help non-religious Jews recognize the truth present in Torah and the peace present in living a life directed by it. However these non-religious Jews should also understand that they are no better than a gentile who underwent a halachaic conversion or a Jew who eats in the Red Lobster once per week. The difference is in how we connect and relate to Hashem and how we believe our time on this planet will be maximized. For born Jews, there is the added fact that they are responsible for carrying out the mesorah of their ancestors (someone in their family probably remained a Jew at the peril of their lives, yet they have no desire to embrace an observant Jewish life!). But it all boils down to the performance of the mitzvot; and non-religious Jews "enjoy" the status of being a Jew because some of their ancestors took on the mitzvot. If they themselves choose to eschew the mitzvot, then they relinquish their claim to Jewishness (which may not be technically true for them, but will very likely be for their descendants who will be very unlikely to be Jews in any sense anyway).

I am not a social psychologist, but my guess is that minority religious communities hold on to superiority notions as a "security blanket" to help keep people in the fold. If the Jews are "chosen" by Hashem, what does this "choseness" impart? Although the Torah points out quite clearly that being "chosen" means to be involved in a covenant...so a spiritual relationship with Hashem. However, this has morphed into modern times as a "look at the Incredible & the Indelible Jews!". We love to enumerate the percentages of Jews who won Nobel Prizes, create lists of famous Jews, and talk about the amazing accomplishments of Israel. Similar to kiruv, this is fine; if the scenario were one-sided. But it is not. Take Anti-Semitism for example: you have some situations were anti-semitism is used to liberally describe mishaps and discrimination that occurs to the Jews. Yet what did we hear from many Jews during this election year? Various accounts of potentially racially motivated rhetoric against Obama. While it was addressed by some Jewish news outlets like Haaretz, the most bone chilling comments were heard informally in the Jewish community.

If my writing sounds too critical, it is not my intention in the least. I am simply trying to dig a bit to find the causes behind the Jewish people coming to embrace these superiority notions that teeter upon the very dangerous territory of projecting bigotry to non-Jews. This type of thinking has very little tolerance for "the others" who are trying to become like them (since it gnaws away at the inherent superiority notion). Therefore this seemingly benign issue is recognized as a red flag by Jewish converts right away.

Malta - A Blast From The Past (Adventures in Kashrus II)

I saw it for sale in Save-A-Lot and I was shocked. Mainly because the lack of a Hispanic population in Southwestern PA doesn't usually bring such things. So out of curiosity, I checked it out. Certified OU; surprise #2! I brought two cases for $4.99 a piece. :-)

Save-A-Lot is pretty impressive in regards to what they carry. They have a nice assortment of parve crackers (off brand wannabe Ritz and Town House crackers) and breads, parve ice creams, and taco sauces with hechshurim.

Election Fallout

Well it has been 9 days since the election, and for the most part I have been ducking down and covering my head. I had expected that the reaction from the bulk of the frum (and mostly Republican) crowd would not be good. However I do not think I was prepared for the serious hand wringing and cries of woe that seemed to be comming from everywhere. Couple that with the extreme jubilance in the Black community and what I have going on is practically a political bi-polar case.

I have been a Democrat my entire voting life and I see no good reason to change my convinctions. I would even go as far as to say I lean towards being a Democratic Socialist. This is mainly because I feel that it is a crime that the most prosperous country in the world does not provide bare basic health care for it's citizens or equal access to higher education to those across economic classes. And of course, outside of politics, there the aspect and essence of holding pride in being a member of the Black American sub-group. Therefore, Barack Obama's victory was truly one for me to embace. More so than a Kerry or Clinton win would have been.

Of course, the dark cloud looming is that of the [general] spirit of the frum community I am a part of. I feel like I just discovered that I'm pregnant, but I'm in the company of someone who can't conceive. I start to second guess my ability to empathize; to truly put myself into their shoes. And why am I saying "their" anyway? I am suppossed to be them! Or at least moving that way. Yes I realize that there are frum Democrats. But if they are born Jews, no one would be able to questions their "underlying motivations" like is the case with a potential ger.

I am also being exposed to a lot of information from many fronts right now. Of course those imparting that information are quite passionate and bias about sharing it. A favorite frum blog of mine linked this article which discloses that Obama aides have ties to Hamas. Yet I had to search myself for this article which came out the following day where the aides deny this claim. Then on the other side of the fence you have stuff like this where Black people have somehow developed the ability overnight to take certain liberties to step all over the self-esteem of White people. Yes, I am proud that this country elected a Black man (well 1/2 Black man) to it's highest office. But it is just not nice to turn around and stick out your tongue and thumb your nose at the rest.

From Psalm 146, it says:

אַלתִּבְטְחוּ בִנְדִיבִים בְּבֶןאָדָם, שֶׁאֵין לוֹ תְשׁוּעָה - Put not your trust in princes, nor the son of man, in whom there is no help...

And from Psalm 141, it says:

כִּי אֵלֶיךָ, יְהוִה אֲדֹנָי עֵינָי בְּכָה חָסִיתִי, אַלתְּעַר נַפְשִׁי - But mine eyes are unto thee, O GOD the Lord: in thee is my trust; leave not my soul destitute.

Therefore it is attested to that the Jews main allegiance is to the G-d of Avraham, Yitzchak, and Yaakov. I do love Israel; no question. And the State of Israel is a key development in Jewish history. However the well being of Eretz Yisrael rests on Hashem ultimately; and on the Jews auxiliarily. In addition, the Jews are designated to be the moral compass for the world. So how could so many frum Jews gloss over the major social accomplishment that was achieved a little over a week ago. Black Americans fought for equality to be recognized as full human beings in their own right -- for so long, and so hard. How could other Jews not share in our joy?

Only Hashem knows the full picture. Perhaps I am wrong in my criticisms and saddness. Maybe Hashem desires to hear more tefillos from his people, so he brought this on. I myself will try to remember (bli neder) to keep those who are angry and fearful in my prayers that they will have peace in themselves again.