Returning After a Long Absence

Well this past Shabbos was my first one in North Miami Beach since my accident. Although it has been almost two years, I found that there were many people who remembered me. This was a big surprise to me; in that I sort of felt that I did not have so many very close friends when I was there. But without a doubt I did have friends; people who have kept me in mind -- and who have actively thought about my well being.



I stayed with my friend Tzipporah; who has been through about as much as I have in the past two years. She divorced her husband, who was the impetus of them becoming frum. Both of them were also Jews of color. Her two daughters are very young and seemed to really enjoy my being there. Her youngest, a adorable, darker-skinned 3 year old came up to me when I was putting on my stockings. She patted my foot and beamed, "You are brown like me". My guess is that in the social environment she is in (they go to the Lubavitch school), it is not so often she gets close to other brown-skinned people.



In shul there was a Bar Mitzvah. It happened to be the eldest son of a Persian family that I used to live across the street from. They were thrilled to see me. It was great to hear the unique trop of the bar mitzvah bochur during kriah ha'Torah. It was also nice to see a bit of diversity around the shul. I saw (and heard) quite a few Israelis. I was also introduced to another young black woman who was seeking conversion. I could tell she was pretty desperate for some names and key contacts. I felt bad in that all of my information is a bit dated, but I invited her to email me after Shabbos and I would see what I could do. Before Shabbos, I was also suppossed to meet up with another woman who is interested in conversion. Unfortunately, she was sick. So maybe next time, IY"H.



I had lunch with Rabbi R.; who had a full table. He and his wife have always been the type to invite many people for Shabbos. Although I was sort of "lost in the crowd"; it was so nice to see this family in action again. They are so welcoming and great towards their neighbors. I feel so blessed to have gotten to know them.



I spent the rest of Shabbos with the S. family. They geniunely have missed me and it truly felt as if I had never left. Except that there is a new baby. The sisters who are around my age have great relationships with their parents, and it is sweet to see. The 32 year-old had a possible shidduch visiting and we have our fingers crossed.

Overall, I feel as if I sorely miss the community. The sheer number of frum people, the local Jewish amenities, the uniqueness of the community. However right now is not the right time for me to live in North Miami Beach. Maybe somewhere in the near future; maybe somewhere in the far future; or maybe never. However NMB will always be my "home"; the place where I first joined the frum community. The place that helped to mold me into who I am today.

Send My Regards To...

Well a pretty strange, yet humorous thing happened to me this past Shabbos. Rabbi R. (who is originally from Chicago and moved here from Israel; so he has no local ties to this community) comes up to me and says that he has regards for me to give to my Grandfather. I just looked at him blankly. Surely he was not talking to me! You see I only have 1 Grandfather. My "Campbell" Grandfather is not only long deceased...but he never even lived in this country. So my mother's father does not have the same last name as me, and we surely don't look alike.

So I asked Rabbi R. to clarify. He said that Lee M. had regards to send to my Grandfather. Ok. Who is "Lee M." and, again, I highly doubt that either he or Rabbi R. know who my Grandfather is. I went on to tell Rabbi R. that he must be mistaken. Rabbi R. smirked a bit and said, "Look, your Grandfather cooks, right?" Yes, ok. "He takes the food over to auto shops over in Glassport, right?" Well, in all honesty, I don't have any clue about that. "Well Lee M. says there is this older Black man who cooks food for his guys and talks about how his granddaughter is becoming a Jew. Who else could it be?"

Ok, so now I know for sure that's my Grandfather. It already confirms my previous inklings that the both the Mon Valley and the Jewish world are just way too small!

Memories Still Standing

For a few weeks, I have been going around taking pictures of synagogues in the area (the picture above is the inside of my shul, Gemilas Chesed). Some of them are still open and active; some are churches (or other things); some are closed. I am not doing this because I like photography (if fact I don't know the first thing about taking pictures). Instead I am doing it to have some sort of insight, even if it is a souveneir photograph, of the Jewish community that is hosting me. That includes that community's past. When people tell stories of certain things, certain events, I like to have a tangible tie to those stories. Of course there are some synagogues, for which there are no stories for which anyone I know can offer to me. But that is ok, they say a picture can tell a thousand words.

Another reason why I am doing this is because there is very little information about these synagogues online. Even to get the teeniest bit of written information is hard, much less a picture. Some of the synagogues I had to find via word of mouth (they have long been removed from directories). Plus I don't always have free time to just go out driving around (many times I feel like I am on a treasure hunt). But the album will be a work in progress. I am as interested in what turns up as anyone.

ְלֹא אִירָא

Since I am not listening music, to keep myself from climbing the walls, I have been catching up on watching my DVDs. Yesterday evening, I brought Batman Begins; I worked backwards, having seen The Dark Knight two weeks ago. Yes, I realize I am one of the last people (of those who watch movies) to see these films. I found that I thoroughly enjoyed both films; particularly Batman Begins. I enjoy action films, as well as the realization of comic book heros. However I also like a good, meaningful story. Needless to say, you don't really get that too much in superhero movies these days.

Growing up, I was not so much "into" Batman. However, understand that Batman when I was growing up was Adam West being an uber intellectual caped crusader, galavanting around in the wild in crazy world of the 1960s. I remember in 1989 when the first Batman movie was released. It was dark and edgy; but it was also emotionally off-kilter (thank you Tim Burton). Batman Begins presents a better, deeper story of personal conflict and the profound effect of a person's worldviews and philosophies.

Bruce Wayne may be one of those people who should be utterly and completely happy. After all he has money, he's amazingly handsome, and his physicality and intelligence are well above average. Yet he is very far from happy; and makes decisions that boggle the minds of those who are close to him. His life is at times thrown into autopilot, driven by anger and fear especially, taking him to places and pushing him into experiences that he probably would not anticpate...nor wish for.

The power that fear has over people is incredible. Many times, people do not even know what they are afraid of (or they cannot articulate their fears). Fear is what stops people from seeking out their dreams. Fear is what helps make the logical illogical. Fear is something that can limit potential unlike nothing else. Yet who can blame someone for succumbing to their fears?

In Batman Begins, a recurring theme was "Men fear what they can't see"; I would also stretch that to say that people fear what they do not know about. Who wants to be the first to do anything? Only very, very special people. The other day, I heard about Neil Armstrong, Michael Collins, and Buzz Aldrin going to the White House to help promote the U.S. Space program. I am very awed by these men; for no matter how much you study space travel, and the environment, and what the moon is like; you just never know until you get there yourself. And long before then, Christopher Columbus could mainly gather those who had little to lose if they died at sea. However now that we understand the globe, few people think twice of traveling to continents thousands of miles away.

In many ways I feel that those of us who are from non-frum backgrounds have this kind of relationship with the frum world. You have to embrace your fear, and take it with you on the journey to become frum yourself. I almost said to "conquer your fear", but that is much easier said than done. Rather you need to co-exist with it, work with it, until it becomes of no consequence. Bruce Wayne never "conquered" his fear of bats; but rather funneled it into something that created something awesome.

In Hebrew, there is no blanket term such as "fear"; rather you have יראת which means "humility/reverance" sort of fear, and you have אירה which is a which is a "dread" sort of fear. One is positive, and one is negative. Yet the two are interelated; and it is possible to morph one into the other. People who contemplate any kind of major lifestyle change can either dread it to the point to where they just cannot do it; or they can hold a reverance for it, and the seriousness of it all. A key piece of the puzzle is to understand what you fear. Be knowledgable about the situation that you dread so much. You do not have to spend time in a cave with thousands of bats; but you most definitely must be willing to come far away from your comfort zone.

It All In Your Head

Here we go again. I feel that this is the most difficult time of the year for me. As of the present (maybe this will change one day), I do not completely eschew music during the sefirah period (I do not attend live music or dance; but I do still listen to recorded music. See this source). However during the three weeks, I do not listen to any kind of music; and it is very depressing, and difficult for me.

Due to significant life changes, moving around so much, and perhaps a personal streak of strong independence, I do not have many friends; and I certainly do not have a "best" friend. Yes, I have countless people I can call on the phone and chat with and even go out for a coffee with. But very few of them are fully comfortable with the "whole me". Instead they highly enjoy certain aspects of me; but after too long will grow irritated or annoyed with the other facets of my personality. Because of this I have accepted that friends will come and go; and my family can never get so close to me. And that is just the way it is.

However with music...the relationship is much more lasting. For sure, I have some albums (yes, I own quite a few LPs; you know, "vinyl") that I hardly listen to; maybe I am even embarrassed by them (case in point, that Little Rodney Allen Rippy album). But I still hold a sentimental affinity for them. For the most part, I do not look back on my life with regrets. Although I did some crazy, stupid things. I enjoyed myself; I won't be doing it again, but it was enjoyable. Listening to the music from those periods in my life are like audible photographs that are a reminder of me; the whole me.

I realize that many if not most converts see their life in sections; before Judaism and after. I have a tough time with this personally. For one, I "took ownership" of Judaism and the notion of being Jewish when I was just a teenager. In addition, at that time, Judaism was a more lenient lifestyle than what I grew up with. For example, as a young child under the guidance of my Protestant Grandmother, I was not allowed to go shopping on Sundays or wear a skirt above my knees. However as a Reform Jew, I was "released" from such stipulations; and was afforded the opportunity to stretch my horizons, experiences, and influences. B"H, I retracted back; but not before taking in some very important lessons from this time period.

For example, growing up, I was not allowed to listen to rap music. The cursing, the subject matter, etc. - was not something my Grandparents wanted played in their house. My senior year in high school was the year that Notorious B.I.G. and Tupac Shakur were killed. Now I've never been such a big fan of Tupac; but I found Notorious B.I.G. pretty mesmerizing. Now to be fair, it wasn't as if I wasn't listening to rap before this. My entire neighborhood (and my mother) were big on Bone Thugs-N-Harmony, L.L. Cool J, Run D.M.C., etc. But when I was in college, Notorious B.I.G., Ma$e, and Puff Daddy (oh and DMX as well) played the soundtrack of those friendships, the learning, of independance. Today I am at the point where I really cannot identify with songs with so much cursing, or talking about designer clothes and sexual escapades. But I do not cringe away or close my ears to it. Sort of like a nebech family member who seemed so different many years ago.

But back to my overall relationship with music, I feel that music in general is the constant in my life. It has always reined me in strongly and can catch my attention like no other. My father used to get the greatest kick out of the fact that when I was between the ages of 1 and 2, I used to try to sing Neil Sadaka's Laughter in The Rain, although I could not really talk yet. I could only say "oooo" "rainy" and "day" all through the course of that song. When I was 3, I got my own record player and all of my mother's old records (since she had since moved out and left them behind). That was a lot of disco/dance, Prince, some Tamla and Motown 45s (the Commodores and Stevie Wonder), and of course I loaded up on my kiddie albums (I had the Pac-Man album, Strawberry Shortcake Flashdance, The Monchichis Album, etc.). Of course "kiddie" albums back then were better than anything Myley Cyrus can put out now. I had a Candyman album that had Sammy Davis, Jr. himself singing the title track and some other trippy (but good) 60s bands. I also had the Batman Album by the Markettes which is also really good musically.

It probably did not help that my father was in a reggae band; so some of my first cassettes were from him going to New York City and getting reggae mixed tapes. These tapes were copied countless times and I served as some sort of 8 year-old ambassador for reggae music in SW Pennsylvania to a lot of people (rather they wanted to hear it or not). Then I moved to Allentown, PA where I started getting really into "White" music (for lack of a better term). Bon Jovi, Samantha Fox, Lisa Lisa & Cult Jam, Expose, New Kids on The Block, Vanilla Ice {sigh}. Ok, so my taste in music sort of backslid then! By the mid-90s I was back in SW PA and back on track. R&B was pretty unstoppable then with Boyz II Men, SWV, Mint Condition, En Vogue, and Brownstone. I was in Clairton Jr./Sr. High School marching band; which was probably one of the coolest bands in the area since our own director wrote our music. We played music by Janet Jackson, Ice Cube, Neil Diamond, the Beverly Hills 90210 theme, the Tootsie Roll (that was corny though), and whatever Disney movie was out that year (Little Mermaid, Beauty & The Beast, etc.).

High school is when I started getting into punk and alternative music; and at the tail end, ska. My unsuspecting friend in band brought a No Doubt Cd for me in 1996 and a trip to Myrtle Beach in 1997 introduced me to Sublime. Then I read a music review in the school paper on 311. From there on out I was hooked. It was reggae, it was rock, and it was trendy at the time.

In the years since college, I would sort of go back and revisit all of these genres; plus new things that would pop up...especially in the indie scene. It is true, that since I have become frum (when I was 25/26), I have become a bit more selective. I remember when I first heard about the White Stripes. I heard how good their music was, but I was dreading that it would be full of gross lyrics. To my [pleasant] surprise, that was not the case. Around the same time, I was also introduced to Metric; whose lyrics are more edgier. But I was pleased to catch them live in Pittsburgh at an all-ages show that was pretty PG-13, atmosphere-wise.

In early 2005, I took a trip to the Lower East Side of NYC. I was going to Aish HaTorah, joining families for Shabbat; but still thinking that I just fell into some sort of alien-lifestyle that I could never acclimate to make my own. Now on just about every trip I've taken to NYC, I would go to Jammyland (which has since closed). Jammyland was the source for good reggae albums in the city; and the staff was out of sight. It was there, where I was probably looking for some Trojan albums, that I saw Matisyahu's CD. Previously I had some horrible luck with "Jewish" reggae CDs and I don't even think I listened to it right away. However, when I got back to Florida, I ordered 3 more of these CDs because he was simply that amazing (for the record, I do not feel that Matisyahu's subsequent CDs are even close to his album Shake of the Dust...ARISE! which he did with JDub). It was also another "synthesis". Just like when I first heard ska, Matisyahu was taking reggae and mating it with a love for Hashem, Torah and Yisrael. It was a small thing, but for me a push to continue on the path towards Yiddishkeit.

In spite of my deep love for music, I have never been the type to lose myself or idolize musicians (although I greatly appreciate them; there was a time where I could only find myself attracted to a man if he played an instrument). No I would rather stand at the edge of the stage (or better yet backstage) and also talk with the band after. Similarly, I do not become swayed by music, but rather it tends to emphasize what is already within me. For example, there is a lot of roots reggae that I enjoy and relate to on a spiritual level. Even though they are not Jewish themes per say, Rastafarians focus more so on the text of the Tanakh (very little, if any NT stuff). They also tend to sing about an interaction between man, G-d, and his creation. In a similar vain, I find that R&B/soul music in general is very pleasant to listen to, and sounds very sincere. Nevermind the fact I cannot immediately relate to being the other women in a married man's life. Many times the focus of the song is on the pain or love that results; not the situation.

Perhaps it is my viewpoint on music that makes me feel as if a friend has died during the Three Weeks. All musicians have a story to tell, and for the time being, they are silenced and they cannot tell that story to me right now. Just like when someone sits and pours their heart out to you and you enjoy the bonding process; for the time being, I have lost my daily chance to bond a little. To empathize with another human being, in my own way, with whatever they care to express. I guess as a woman, that is how I manage to manifest this instinct.

Privacy Disclaimer: Google Analytics Installed

On all of the other websites I manage, I have installed Google Analytics; especially within the last year. You see, the previous version of their script used to really slow down your website on page loads and the like. However the new version hardly impacts your browsing experience. So I decided to also install it on this blog (although my other blogs do not have the script installed).

So as a visitor to this blog, this is what you have the right to know about the information I am tracking:

1) The geographic location of site visitors and the duration of their visit.
2) Sources of traffic to this blog; including referring sites
3) A report on "page clicks" which is basically which links the visitors to the site follow
4) Exit and entry pages
5) Technical information, such as IP, browser, operating system, screen resolution
6) Search terms and engines that led visitors to my blog

Hopefully this information is not seen as frightful or discouraging. My guess is that most webmasters collect the same information (especially since this can be done for free); but just simply never tell you about it.

So *Can* Jews Get This Happy When They Give Their M'aser?

One Bad Apple Doesn't Spoil the Whole Bunch (cue in the Osmonds please)

One thing that Miami is woefully short on is good news stories. It is always nice to see one (when it does pop up) and even nicer when the story is being written about Jews. Meet Leonard Abess, Jr., a Jewish banker who sold his lot at a hefty profit and is sharing it -- with his employees! And this is not the Jewish version of a X-mas bonus either. We are talking about $60 million dollars being split about 471 ways (to account for all current employees and some former employees). I don't believe they received equal shares (the final amount factored in years of service) but if those shares were equal, you would be looking at checks at the tune of $127,388.54 a person. Not too shabby for an "employee appreciation gift". (See the full article here)

Sadly the amount of Mr. Abess's gift is dwarfted by the amount that Bernie Madoff squandered away. But it is a wonderful kiddush Hashem for the Jewish people [to the non-Jewish world around them] to have prominent, successful Jews do things such as this.

People of the Book

Well, it has been a bit longer than a week since I received my Bachelor's degree. To my surprise, the feeling is completely different from when I received my Associate's degree. And even though I held jobs in the past that normally would employ 4-year college graduates, there is a difference between having to convince someone that you are qualified and have some sort of verifiable proof that you are qualified. Maybe it's also a different feeling because I have a job landed (B"H) and I also got accepted into a graduate school program. Now only a handful of people in my family graduated from college and even fewer attempted graduate school. So this is a real milestone for not only me, but my family as well.

I went into this past Shabbos with those warm fuzzy feelings of accomplishment and having good news to share. While it is true that nothing really changed about that, there was a conversation over shalosh suedas about shidduchim. Yes, the topic that when people talk about, they rarely are singing its praises (for better or for worse). The mainstay of the conversation focused around abuse; and how important it is to have the people involved in shidduchim divuldge any information that may highlight issues with anger management, mental instability, and dysfunction in the family. As the conversation went on, I mused about the women who find themselves in abusive marriages. Why do they think so lowly of themselves to put up with it? Is being married more important than the safety of you or your children?

So how does this relate to being a female college graduate? Well, a comment was made to me that intelligent, successful women can be intimidating to a man. This is not just in the frum community; but it is especially a noticeable issue in the frum community. I laughed and said that this is just what I would want to be hearing right before getting ready to enroll in graduate school. However I feel that these people (who are my friends) are looking to give me an accurate portrayal of the frum world; before my entire destiny is intertwined with it. They want to make sure I realize what I am getting into. But what they don't realize is that the seed to pursue education was implanted into me long before the seed that started my growth towards Judaism. It just has not be a very steady, progressive path; unlike my experience with Judaism.

Very early on I learned that the Jews are "The People of the Book". And it is no secret that most American Jewish families are big proponents of higher education. Couple that education with an incredibly entreprenueral spirit and you have quite a few successful Jews who have funded the foundation of our present day Jewish communities. However in the frum community, the rules seem to change a bit for women. Not that frum women are not encouraged to go to college. But they do usually limit their majors and focus on future professions that pay well; but are flexible and can be done part-time if needed. Now from a practicial standpoint, this makes perfect sense. However from a social standpoint, it causes an issue for women who have chosen a different path. I actually asked on a list-serv of frum women if there were any MBAs there (in order to sniff out a mentor). I believe their was only one.

I can only imagine what other single women who desire to convert [to Orthodox Judaism] do in order to reconcile their professional life/career with their newfound lifestyle. In the beginning, I was lucky in that I worked for a frum company; because G-d knows, I was not at a point professionally where I would have been able to negotiate the drastic changes a frum lifestyle demands. B"H, my new job has great hours and is generous with personal time off. But I do need to be "on" and be there through thick and thin. When I am in the office, I do an awesome job because it is all I need to think about, all I need to worry about. How it would work if I had children or anyone else to be concerned about I really do not know. But I took the position based off of how my current life is and what I am -- not the "what-ifs" of the future.

It really makes me ponder how or if things will change once I earn my MBA (bezras Hashem)? I actually like working in higher education; but those jobs are not a dime a dozen and can often times be in locals far away from Jewish communities. Also there is no shame in being a stay at home mother, but when you have an education that cost almost $100K, is that still feasible? Still overall, I feel better today about my ability to support a Torah observant life than I did 5 years ago. If anything, I feel as if I'm in a position to assert myself professionally and say, "Hey, this is how I will work and these are my terms." What I have to offer now is a 'take it or leave it' sort of deal.

fire, fire....

Power By Numbers

I am not the biggest fan of the Jerusalem Post, but Mrs. Hausman pointed out this article as one of interest. I applaud Rabbi Rosenblum for saying this and find that there is too little opposition raised to those who raise these detrimental, anti-Torah "solutions" for Am Yisrael. Of course I am referring to the "power by numbers" game; where the Jewish people start internalizing the feeling that we need to take whatever we/they can get. It is very true that quantity does not yield quality; and it will actually hurt the Jewish people to take on loads of insincere converts and to brand every person with a bit of Jewish ancestry as one of the tribe. Now a halachaic Jew should be lovingly (and carefully) reintroduced into Yiddishkeit; there is the responsibility to bring in lost members of the family. But the responsibility is two-fold, and a certain level of respect for Judaism should be developed to attain the distinction of becoming a baal teshuva.

Many people across all Jewish denominations voice disdain about the difficulty of the process of converting to Judaism. Very rarely though do you hear them give any concrete examples of why they feel they way that they do. Perhaps they have lost sight of the fact that Judaism is not a faith that wants outsiders to come in so that they can "see the light" per se. I may be one of the few Jewishly-inclined Black people who does not feel like we are doing the world any favor by going into Uganda and converting the Abayudaya. This is not because they do not desire to be Jews or that they do not believe in what they are doing. However the very real issue is what the understanding and committment to Judaism is on an individual level. And apparently, this still seems to be a point of contention among the Abayudaya.

On the other hand, it seems that there may be a slight aire of "the Jews would rather not do conversions" to the [original] article. True a lot of this could be directed at the fact that many conversions are substandard. However this has the danger of spilling over onto sincere converts who really do find that Torah observance fits them like a glove, even though they were born to non-Jewish mothers. Unfortunately I recently heard from a very young child that "goyim have no neshamas". I think it's pretty safe to say that the child did not come to this conclusion all alone and evidently there are some pretty strong messages being sent out there to try to strongly designate "them vs. us". And it is true, a core aspect of Judaism (to loosely quote "The Believer") is to separate things. In fact, the very word קודש (holy) means to "be separate". But this separateness does not mean superior or inferior. Shrimp cocktails are not inferior to slices of gefilte fish; they are simply not permitted to Jews. Similary it is not that married gentile women are so immoral for walking around with their hair uncovered. But they are not in tune with the specific holiness allotted to certain states of being; nor are they expected to be. Without the Torah to regulate their lives, how could they be? However, this does not make gentiles inferior.

I liken the Torah to electric current. You can live perfectly fine without direct benefit or belief in utilizing it (like the Amish). You can also be an unsuitable conduit for it, like [unpure] water. However when properly applied and utilized through the correct mediums, it can be a treasure. Now when mankind first started to utilized electric current, we did not use it for all the things we use it for today. Converts to Judaism are like new inventions who make wonderful use of what is already there. Similarly, you have the most pointless, and even destructive, new things that are utilizing electricity nowadays. Just like you have "converts" who are not tapping into the Torah properly and become an overall drain on the Jewish people.

Assimilation is a very real problem, but the solutions are elusive. However so many of the proposals just do not seem "right". Propaganda against non-Jews does not seem right; tasteless pop-culture initiatives like Heeb magazine do not seem right; mass conversions are certainly not right. In fact the back and forth arguments over the standards of coversion seem devoid of one important piece of the puzzle -- which is personal motivation. Is the convert-to-be attracted to the Torah or to the idea of being a Jew? Of course, we must keep in mind that this "idea" varies so much from situation to situation. It seems that if the conduit is good, and if the source is good, you end up with a praiseworthy result. Any weakness on either end is bound to cause problems. I am pretty sure that even the most "evangelical" of Jews out there could agree on that.

A Real Shidduch Crisis

Last week, an article was brought to my attention entitled, "The Marriage Question: Non-White Jews Wonder If They Will Find Spouses". With such a good title, I felt compelled to read the article. I was expecting little, but surprisingly, it was very good. Apparently Shoshana Kordova is accustomed to writing about hairy topic such as this and Jewish single mothers by choice. I could not find anything about her hashkafic background, but she seems pretty knowledgeable and sensitive to Torah observant Jews.

Although the overall tone of the article is not positive, I appreciated the fact that the author did not chalk up the problems that Black Jews face in shidduchim to overly-simplified Jewish racism or hypocrisy. Instead the focus is more so on the specific reasons which underlie the problem; lack of exposure and limited experience. However this "Jews are just racist" theme does come out a bit in the dialogues with the people being interviewed. For example there is an Adam Resnick who states that Black conversion [to Judaism] students have it the hardest. He qualifies this by saying that when people ask if a conversion student is romantically attached, they never inquire about the Black students (and my thoughts on that is if he recognizes this as a problem, why doesn't he suggest them himself then?).

But I find the personal accounts of Tashia Moore and Connie Singman to be invaluable. Here you have sufficient focus on the people who are directly affected by the subject of the article (as oppossed to an outsider assessing the situation). In fact Tashia's background is pretty similar to mine, in that she already starting identifying with Judaism from a young age. Then you go through a sort of "cultural rude awakening" when you step over into Orthodox Judaism and you have to reconcile the fact that you are not Jewish at all. And of course, even after you convert, there are some Jews where you will never be able to truly be a Jew (thankfully, they are declining in number). But the concerns of Tashia and Connie give a much needed voice to the other side of the coin. This is a case where the Orthodox Jewish community does not need a lecture on how racist or hypocritical they are. Instead, they just need to hear the voices of the fellow Jews-of-color. On a level that demonstrates that they are, in fact, part of the same family.

The article is not dated, but judging from the link, I would say it was written in 2001. A Google search for "Tashia Moore" today brought up this Facebook page, where it appears that she did eventually find a shidduch (if that is in fact her).

Can We Be As Passionate About Our Faith As We Are About Politics? Please?

(*Note: I already posted a very similar entry after the election. I came close to deleting this one due to the repetition of the topic. But then decided against it because apparently this issue has reared its ugly head again.)

A few days ago I received an e-mail from a frum friend of mine living in Eretz Yisrael that showed the picture above - distorted a bit, and with a large Afro. Needless to say, I did not really get the humor; nor do I find any point in such things. Later on IM, they posed the question if I thought it was funny or not and I was frank and said "no". That's when a whole deluge of anti-Obama rhetoric came pouring out and when I still failed to agree, it was suggested that I convert to become a Muslim instead of a Jew.

Seriously? Come on now.

I have never been the type of person who gets super emotional over politics; even though when I was in college, I held some pretty novel political beliefs and even became a member of the Democratic Socialists of America. Yes, it sounds scary -- but I simply feel that the richest country on the planet should provide for its citizens accordingly. I remember back in 2006 when I was laid off, I was able to collect unemployment in FL, but the maximum benefit (no matter how much you made on your previous job) was $250/wk before taxes (so I think I ended up with $234 per week...or something like that). My rent alone was $825/mo. So I looked into social service programs that would be able to help me out to keep me in my home and get food. There was basically no programs available for me because I was not on drugs, did not have children, was not in eviction court, or did not live in public housing. It was not as if I was a freeloader either; in the previous year, I paid more than $10K in taxes alone.

Ok, so back to the topic at hand, I realize that my political opinions are the minoritiy opinion in the frum world. I do not have any issue with that, and I do in fact know of other Orthodox Jews who voted for and support President Obama. So my hurt and disappointment is not about the politics -- but about the energy expended on and to such a topic. Of course we all have our passions. But we also must have our priorities. And I think to snub another Jew (although I'm not a Jew...just trying to simply things for writing's sake) because you disagree with their politics is an unfortunate thing to do. Now there is a difference between no liking someone in general and in addition to that you disagree with their political idealogies. But this was not the case in my instance -- we had been friends for a few years.

I can't pretend to know the true thoughts of others (any time I even "went there", I failed miserably), but I think what happened here is that this person felt that being anti-Obama was being pro-Israel and of course a Torah observant Jew must be pro-Israel; so the conclusion is that if you are not anti-Obama you can not be a Torah observant Jew! This Swiss-cheese logic puts up a divide between Jews that does not even need to be there. In my own humble opinion, no American President can or will be a complete friend of Israel because his primary obligation is to look out for the needs and the status of the country he (or she) is the head of. Now if Israel can benefit in some way, this is a blessing. And yes, Israel depends a lot on the United States and Americans for support. But we need to put our hope in Hashem; not any politician.

Of course I know where my loyalties lie as well. I often tell people that even if I were healthy, I would not fight in the US military, but would serve in the IDF. This is because I feel America is just a sojourn; and it will rise (or has risen) and will one day fade away. Israel and the covenant with Hashem is eternal. With that being said I am also a Black American and I grew up with intimate knowledge of the disparities in this country in regards to race. So I am unbelievably proud that this country elected Barack Obama to this country's highest office. Yet if President Obama would ever outright slight the Jews, I would be his first critic. But the political game with talks and negotiations is not any slight against the Jews. If President Obama had it in for Jews, why would he bother hosting a Passover seder at the White House (even though that was strange for my tastes...a non-Jew hosting a seder...uh....)?

Anyway thinking about this whole misshegus just makes my head spin. Political drivel is really beneath Am Yisrael...

Musings Regarding Kol Isha (Post Was Pending for 3+ Weeks...)

Tznius is one of those things I embraced and it felt like a homecoming of sorts. From a personal perspective tznius enabled me to reconcile my uniqueness as a woman and shrug of the modern societal film that coats many of us and pushes us towards being unisex. So when I first heard about kol isha, it was a surprise (since the female singing voice is everywhere it seems) but it did not seem unreasonable. Well, no more "unreasonable" than not opening an umbrella on Shabbos.

Or maybe this is because in my case, it doesn't really apply???

Last night, I had a performance where I played [the saxophone] in a band. While it's true I was playing along with 70+ other people, it was a mixed audience, mixed ensemble -- I feel that if I were a singer, I would be out of luck. In this aspect, I feel that Judaism forces us to accept ourselves for what we are; and also not to sugar coat things for what they are. Any musical instrument can be amazingly expressive in the hands of an expert. But it is not their voice...a part of their essence that you are hearing. The instrument is a machine, a tool. It is very powerful, but still an emulation.

So is it not possible that a woman can hear a man's singing voice, and it lead to the development of inappropriate thoughts?

The truth of the matter is our creator knows us so much better than we know ourselves. The very real issue that men in general have is to focus on tangibles. What do I have? What could be available to me? What can I see? Not that I know the exact answer, but why are man commanded to wear tzit-tzit and wrap tefillin while women are not? Wouldn't women also benefit from this physical reminders of piety?

What happens often times is that our lives are molded by our perceptions. If you perceive the laws of the Torah and the mores of Jewish living to be limiting, that has a tendency to manifest itself. If you see the Torah as giving you the tools to reach your full potential, then that also manifests itself. I will be the first to say that many secular women do not have an easy time taking on the mitzvot of tznius. It is so very, very hard to ignore what the larger society has instilled into women for so long -- that "you are equal to men". Real life is not based on equality and sanitation of what people are. No, the most interesting life is one where everyone plays their part, and they play it well.

Back to Basics

This past Shabbos, I went to Pittsburgh -- for what I think was my first Shabbos there. It was nice...the weather was great. The family I stayed by was Lubavitch, and it was interesting to note the differences in minhagim; small...but interesting. Apparently they have benchers in nusach Ari (I never know that) and hold differently about the obligation in shalosh suedas.

I went to services at Poale Zedeck on my own. The Lubavitch Center would have been too far of a walk; besides, PZ davened in a format I was used to. It was my first time in PZ and it reminded me of how a shul would be in Europe. Not that I've ever been to Europe. Also I don't know exactly what gave it that feel. The ezrat nashim was in a balcony; I had been in plenty of those before. However the main sanctuary itself was also on the second floor, so you had this sensation that you were in a tower. Needless to say, I would not have been able to manage if I still had my cane or walker!

They had a visiting Rabbi who spoke who is a candidate to be the new rabbi of PZ. To my surprise, there were a few people there that I knew, and they told me that this was their third candidate. They also remarked (when I say "they" I mean women...so I do not know if they will be able to vote or not) that they aren't sure who will be selected. Apparently the shul has changed a bit since the last rabbi came through. Although they are still Modern Orthodox there has been a "shift to the right" among the congregation. Now that is something I have not heard to much of since I left FL! I don't even know what "Modern Orthodox" even means any more. Hashkafically I do, but when someone says they are Modern Orthodox, I find that it just leaves the door wide open really.

I am still studying halachos brachos. It's much more intense and involved than I anticipated; like by 250%. I may just print out the entire Aish HaTorah Pathways course on the subject and use that as my "cliff notes".

G-d is not my "friend"

Well I've been sort of drawn into a stalemate in some discussions with some individuals on the OCJ Yahoo group. Ironically, I decided to offer my opinion because of feelings that came about from reading the discussions of my Xtian peers in my religious studies class. Here's how the issue was originally presented (as a question from someone else on the OCJ list):

I was listening to an online class about how Jews view G-d and the Rabbi said that converts come to him all the time saying they feel G-d's presence in their lives and converting to Judaism is what G-d wants them to do. Then he said that that is totally against Judaism's view on G-d. To believe that G-d's presence is in your life is idolatry because G-d is so far above humans that you can't be close to him and no one knows what G-d wants and to believe that is to make G-d in your image.

Now I can totally understand where this Rabbi is coming from (a YU rabbi apparently). But somehow this notion came under fire and interpreted that "Jews do not maintain a close personal relationship with G-d." Several group members commented that they believe in divine intervention in life, that they feel that Hashem cares about them, that they turn to Hashem in their time of need. I do/feel these things as well! I just do not cheapen HaKadosh Baruch Hu to being a simple "friend"; even if it will help me to relate to him.

Maybe this is why chassidim is not the path for me...which I am perfectly fine with. Let me back up for a minute though. A central tenet of Xtianity is that G-d manifested himself (or a version of himself) in a human form. Growing up as a child in a Xtian Sunday school, I remember singing a song where the lyrics included, "...he walks with me, he talks with me..."; now I don't remember if it was J.C. or G-d that was being referred to. However, I am pretty sure that no Jewish children are being taught such a song, and with good reason. The essence of the Creator should not be casually referred to. Jews place themselves into a certain state to approach him. If this is not true, why do we take three steps forward before starting the Shomoneh Esrei? Why do men visit the mikveh before Yom Kippur? Why do we ensure to be fully clothed and presentable before uttering any tefillot with G-d's name? Why not just pray in my undies? Hey, I have no hangups letting my close female friends see me in my undies.

Xtians build awesome churches to help the create the feeling of awe of being in G-d presence. While there are extravagant synagogues as well, churches have these specific purpose. Once outside the church, Xtians are released from "the awesomeness" and G-d becomes a constant companion. Like an imaginary friend, only those who acknowledge him get to reap the benefits. I'm sorry, but I have never heard a Jew say, "I'm so glad that I have G-d in my life." G-d is in everyone's life! The Jew, the gentile, the bears running in the woods, etc.

Before this rabbi even brought it up, it has bothered me in the past whenever I hear a gentile who decides to convert to Judaism say, "this is what G-d wants for me..."; it's like, no, this is what you want. That's the true beauty of this life. Hashem has infused us with free choice, gives us the ability to acquire and process knowledge, and makes opportunities. Maybe I am wrong, but I would rather not believe in the notion that Hashem is a puppetmaster who controls the world absolutely. Hashem is a provider, who has entrusted us with his creation and given us a tool (the Torah) to tap into a higher spiritual plane (if we want to).

Babies, Babies Everywhere

Ok, I am annoyed that the media is totally taking the bait in regares to this "octuplet woman". People are already talking about book deals, and TV appearances. No doubt if she goes on Oprah, she'll be set. I think her story of being a real-life Old Woman In A Shoe (although she's only 33 I believe) is a curiosity...but other than that, I fail to see what the big deal is.

In the frum community, families tend be huge -- on average; especially when you compare it with the American or European standards of "acceptable family size". It seems though, as if this was not always the case. Orthodox Jewish families of generations past seemed to be around half the size ( 4 or 5 children as opposed to the 8 or 10 you see in religious families today). I can't prove that...but it this is what I perceive. I have actually heard some frum people state that they feel a need to boost the Jewish population after the loss of 6 million Jews in the holocaust. Or maybe it's all part of the "shift to the right" where the main expectation of a young frum woman is to be a mother. Jews kvell at the thought of this; is it not permitted for non-religious of non-Jewish people to feel the same?

But I am not singling out the Jewish community; not in the least. This is more about recognizing a severe twist in values in regard to family size among the American citizenry. There is an interesting article on MSN.com, that touches on the stark contrast between the public reation to Nadya Suleman - single mother, low income (?) vs. the Duggar family - White Christians who are financially well-off. Of course having 14 children under the age on 7 is a big difference from having 18 children ranging from ages 20 to a few months. However there are plenty of parents where 1 child (of any age) is too many for them.

It is interesting that all of my grandparents come from large families (11, 8, 9 and 16 children respectively) and they were all quite poor (not "low-income" but poor). Yet no one in my more imediate family has a significant number of children. I have a second cousin who is 7 years older than me who has 5, and some of my family members feel she has lost her mind or something. I imagine that if I myself were to ever get married and start reproducing, my family's pleasure would start to wane at around child #3. I would probably be deemed insane at around child #6. Yet I have never been the type to let the standards of other dictate my choices in life. I also cannot bring myself to make statements such as, "I want a large family"...because if I am a single woman or married to an alcoholic or something (chas v'shalom) I don't want a brood of children running underfoot. However I am not going to stand in the way of my husband's responsibility of pru urvu simply because I don't want to get fat and suffer from backaches. Also people fail to understand just how much Hashem is involved in something as tricky as conception. I certainly feel that it's tricky enough to not want to introduce things like hormonal birth control into the mix.

I say it all the time, but maybe I am in fact "strange" since seeing exceptionally large families brings no feelings of resentment or great happiness for me. It just is what it is. Yes, those parents are sleep deprived, spending 80% of their income on child-related expenses. However they also receive immeasurable joy from seeing their offspring grow and thrive multiple times. Although I do not know from first hand experience, I could imagine that the experience of bringing a new human being into this world can be addicting. So besides the fact that Hashem has commanded men to procreate, it is not one of those commandments that is an unpleasant experience. So who is it that came up with this idea that children are some sort of curse?

Discussion from Week 2 of my Religious Studies Class

Note: my class is full of very religious Xtians, so I really need to temper what I write. This is proving to be an interesting exercise in tact for me!

Please state in a couple of paragraphs why you think the book of Genesis is so important to the religious life and culture of Israel. Identify the one or two themes of Genesis that seem most important to you and explain why.

The Book of Genesis, in essence, sets the foundation for defining the entire culture of Israel. Not only does Genesis present the basis for the beginnings of the nation of Israel (including their belief system), but also for the rest of the world as well. Genesis helps to explain how the culture of Israel deals with the "big questions" of human thought: "How did the world begin?", "What role do humans have in the world?", and "How did our people come to be?".

The two themes I find to be key in Genesis both deal with creation. Ironically, I will not be referring to the Adam and Eve narrative which was the initial "creation". Rather the two creation stories that more solidify the culture of Israel -- the stories of Noah and of Abraham.

In the story of Noah, Genesis presents the background of all humans on the earth today. Noah, as Genesis presents him, is the physical and spiritual ancestor of everyone alive today. Although Noah had no written Bible to serve as a reference for ethical living, G-d did present to him a covenant; which would include him and all of his descendants (so all of us today). This covenant pre-dates the revelation of the 10 Commandments given at Mt. Sinai. Yet it seems here, for the first time since the creation of the world, G-d is giving specific instructions regarding ethical living. In Genesis 9:1 to 9:17, it seems as if G-d has made a "change" in how he relates to humans. The story of Noah presents humankind expectations of behavior, a clearer view of reward and punishment, and precedent of showing that G-d's involvement with the world shall be ongoing.

In the story of Abraham, Genesis presents the creation of the nation of Israel (and the seeds of Christianity and Islam as well). What is interesting is that Abraham seemed to have converts (Genesis 12:5) to his pioneering belief in one G-d, yet a great importance was placed on the fact that Abraham had a biological son, Isaac, through which the nation of Israel would descend. Undoubtedly, throughout the entire Bible, you have a strong emphasis placed on lineages, in addition to the theological teachings. This demonstrates how it has come to be that the culture of Israel includes both belief and biological ties. A "non-believing" member of the nation of Israel is still a member. This system of biology & belief has also made the nation of Israel a very "portable" group of people. Their essence is not intrinsic on the existence of any particular country, and they are not easily absorbed by other cultures.

Overall, I feel my response was super-simplistic. But it was still about double the length of what everyone else posted. It's the first "writing" week, so I'll see how the feedback goes and adjust accordingly.

Scholarly Religion

One of the courses I am taking this semester is Studies in Hebrew Scriptures.  It's an online class (just like my 3 other classes), and I figured it would be an interesting class to take in order to fill my upper-division elective requirement. From what I can tell, there are 14 students in the class.  Of that 14, 10 have proclaimed to be born-again Christians who seem to be approaching this course as "bible study for credit".

I attend a large public university; and without a doubt, such institutions will always have a religious Christian contingency. WVU would probably have a higher than average amount. Just by looking at the roster of religious clubs on campus will attest to that. But I have had little (no?) interaction with that side of the collegiate populace. When I was on campus and in Hillel, religion seemed to be not so important to us. The majority of the members were Conservative, and I was Reform -- but there were no theological discussions about why we were what we were. We had a very abbrieviated service on Friday night and holiday parties, and that was it. We focused on the fact that we were all Jewish and hung out and that was that.

The course only began on Monday, so there have only been 2 days of introductions and discussions.  Already I see a stark contrast in how religious Christians (like my classmates) and religious Jews talk about G-d. First of all, they use the word "love" a lot ("I love the L-rd"; "Ilove reading the Bible", etc.). I also notice that they refer the Creator also as a person -- as a friend -- or maybe even a lover, by saying things like, "He has stood by me through thick and thin" or "Jesus has turned my life around". I find this very interesting. And I also realize that there are a great many Jews who feel this way (in fact, Chassidus is centered on a "feeling" relationship with G-d). Yet it is still very different...and I can't quite put my finger on exactly what it is. My cursory conclusion is these particular religious Christians (no one revealed their denomination...but I'm pretty confident they are all Protestant) see G-d (and Jesus, at his right-hand side in heaven I guess) as the puppetmaster who is controlling the world. Whereas Jews take on a personal responsibility for maintaining the proper order of the world by doing their part of maintaining their covenant with G-d.

The following is from the class syllabus:

In this course the student will be able to:

1. Recognize and identify important people and events throughout Israel’s ancient history. 
2. Understand the historical, cultural, and religious settings behind the Hebrew Scriptures. 
3. Analyze the impact major events and people had on the life and faith of Israel.
4. Develop a deeper understanding of at least one Old Testament book. 
5. Evaluate how various theological concepts have shaped Israel, her existence, and her thought.
6. Compare, contrast, and critique ideas through collaborative learning.

Here you can see that in theory, someone should be able to objectively approach the course material to accomplish these goals.  Yet I get the feeling that this focus on the "Old Testament" may conjure up some discussions that will invariably lead the "...this is what I believe..." sort of discussions. We'll have to see.

Shedding Light On Halachaic Gierut?

Someone pointed me towards this article by Rabbi Marc Angel in regards to what really constitutes a conversion to Judaism al pi halacha, and what is deemed as...well..."excessive" (my terminology, not his). In many ways, I agree with his feelings regarding what constitutes "acceptance of the mitzvot"; but on the other hand, I see where it can very easily be misconstrued. For example, if a woman undergoes a conversion through an Orthodox Beit Din; and then subsequently, you discover this woman doesn't cover her hair after marriage and feeds Hebrew National hot dogs to her family, that should not make her Jewishness "null and void"*. On the other hand if you have a woman who underwent a halachaic conversion, and it was discovered that they were engaged in a forbidden relationship with a Kohen, in total defiance of halacha, then yes, there is a problem.

Shortly after reading this article, I found out that the Rabbinical Council of America launched a new website about their initiatives to help set a standard for Orthodox Jewish conversion. After reading through the website, nothing major was revealed that I already did not know before. However, I did notice that the tone of the writing on the website was far less draconian than the bits and pieces of information supplied to others regarding this issue. Understand that within the last two years, the mentioning of "RCA" and "conversion" in one sentence was enough to make the hearts of most gerim (or gerim-to-be) skip a few beats. A major factor of this, no doubt, has been misconceptions.

The most interesting thing that I have picked up on [by reading these two things so close together] is that the picture that Rabbi Angel paints is quite a bit different than what the RCA presents. While this is not a surprise, it makes you wonder which side is closer to the reality? The RCA's conversion website has an FAQ section, but in my humble opinion, it's pretty meager. Also, there seem to be some inaccuracies. For example, in regards to costs, the application fee seems to be $250, not $100. Little details like this make me wonder if the information contained is truly current (although the website is brand new...).

IY"H, in about 3 weeks I will be meeting with the Beis Din in Pittsburgh (an RCA Beis Din) and will see first hand their approach towards conversion. How much will they lean towards the side of having rachmoness and consideration for individual situation and how much will they be "sticking to the rules". Rules that quite possibly have little to do with an individual's commitment to live a Torah directed life and cast their lot with the Jewish nation. I do applaud the efforts to establish some sort of national data clearinghouse of halachaic converts in the USA to help alleviate some of the issues that arise when trying to verify someone's Jewishness.

* - the RCA openly noted that they do not "nullify" conversions. However, they do have the option of not endorsing a conversion done outside their network of recognized Batei Din. This could (obviously) cause problems of acceptance by the Rabbinut in Eretz Yisrael.