Doses of Brilliance

This past Sunday, I went to the Pittsburgh Kollel to hear Dr. Esther Shkop speak about Women & Tefillah in the Torah (that was not the exact title of the presentation; that I do not recall). Dr. Shkop was a wonderful, dynamic speaker and teacher. She was able to present the subject along with the appropriate sources and present it in a package all wrapped up with feeling and conviction. I enjoy using and hearing either scenarios and analogies that help to relay a point, and Dr. Shkop utilized these tools very well. There were many times that she had me on the brink of tears. Other times she won over my respect for her frank discussions of the faulty logic that causes frum women to feel inadequate. The entire time, she was completely convincing that she was speaking to us out of true concern for all of us and our self-image.

I would quite honestly feel uncomfortable and unjustified trying to summarize her speech on here. I really do feel that the bulk of it was for women only; but it did highlight many flaws in the thinking of some about (or in) contemporary frum society. That a woman's greatest responsibility is to help her husband reproduce; that a woman's exemption from time-bound mitzvot is some sort of signal that her tefillah is not important; and why women need to give and receive love. Refuting or confirming these things is not as easy as you think. I fully appreciate women as gifted as Dr. Shkop to articulate the finer points of what being a religious Jewish woman means.

One thing that this perilious economy has brought to light is that resources within the Jewish community are limited. B"H, when I started on this path, things were going well. I was able to pick up not only a weekly Hebrew class, but classes in halacha and chumash for about $45 per semester at the Aish HaTorah Center in Florida. Now they are charging per class and membership has also increased. I don't think the prices are prohibitive, but it gets your attention. So now more than ever, it is not so common to encounter shirium for women. What I realized on Sunday is just how important it is to have learned individuals speak to Jewish women about various issues from time to time. To give us the chizuk to stand firm in regards to what we believe in.

On Sunday, I also picked up the book Spice and Spirit, which I did not bother to purchase before. But I figured that if I am getting ready to venture out on my own, I may as well start collecting cookbooks. This cookbook is produced by the Lubavitch Women's Organization and contains a lot of information in regards to halachah and Jewish living. It is interesting in that in the section on candelighting, they talk about the custom of women lighting from the age of 3; and women waiting until they get married to light 2 candles (I guess before that they light only one). No other hints or discussions are made regarding the Ashkenazi minhagim in regards to women lighting candles (married woman of the household lights either two or two + # of children; single men/women living on their own also light two). If I were truly brand new to Torah observance, I would find this section (and others) pretty confusing in that you don't yet know how to discern halacha from minhagim. Worse yet, you don't know why you even do certain things. This can most definitely happen. I remember taking a shiur on kashrus and Shabbos cooking, and the rabbi discussed the concept of using a blech. It is preferable that a blech have a lip on it that folds down and covers the controls on the stove when it is set down. If not, you still need to cover the controls (like with foil). Also the whole purpose of the blech is to cover the flame. So if you have a glass-top stove, you don't need a blech (in fact, if you use one, you run the risk of ruining your cooktop). Yet several women with glass-top stoves were consulting the rabbi about getting a blech for their stove.

Invariably, observing the mitzvot are key to being Torah observant; but you can't just do to do. You have to actively seek out the reasons why you are doing. Not for justification, but to more fully embrace your actions. You also need yiras h'shmayim. This filters out most of the negative feelings that a person can harbor in regards to the lifestyle of a Torah observant Jew. This gives depth and meaning to your life and actions. How easy it is for Jewish women to get so caught up in child rearing, preparations for Shabbos & Yontif, the particulars of tznius, and social matters that we lose sight of our capacity for spirituality.

Dark 'N' Stormies on the Horizon (Adventures in Kashrus V)

Well I finally found a brand of Jamaican-style ginger beer with a hechshure (OU). I was excited when I found it, but then I saw some of the online reviews, and they weren't so great. Oh well; I haven't tasted it myself. Hopefully it is spicy at least!

Dark 'n' Stormy

2 oz dark rum

4 oz ginger beer

Mix ingredients together in an old-fashioned glass over cracked ice, and serve.

A 4-Year Old Made My Day Today :-)

This morning there was a Gemilas Chesed sisterhood meeting. I joined the sisterhood 2 months ago, but this was the first meeting I was able to attend. This was also the first meeting that several new women in our community attended as well.

After the official meeting, there was a brunch and some socializing. One of the new community members remarked to me that her 4-year old son told her that he wants to come over to my house. Well, actually, what he said was along the lines of, "I want to go to the house of the lady with the holes in her headband." The mother admitted that she had no idea who in the world her son was talking about. But then she saw me, and my headband, on Shabbos. You see, since I can't comb my hair on Shabbos, my main hope to look presentable (unless my hair is freshly permed) is to slap on a headbead. I have a set now where I have two black and one clear headband with circular holes in them.

I responded demurely, "It is so interesting to hear how children designate people."; but inside I was beaming. Here this little boy didn't label me as the "black lady" but as "the lady with the holes in her headband". Adults many times his age could learn so much from him...if they only knew.

And The Battle Continues...

It is pretty safe to say that I have had to deal with self-esteem issues in one way or another my entire life. It pretty much started out when I was very young; I went from being an absoluting stunning-looking baby/toddler that looked like my father's [very physically attractive] side of the family, to growing up to hear "Oh he is your father?" betraying their true thoughts that yeah, I don't look like him. It was also tough in that he entered into a long-term relationship with a woman who had 3 daughters from a previous relationship that had physical features more like my father. So the general assumption is that they were related to him, and I was not.

As I grew older and developed a personality, I went on to pursue the things I liked, but was labeled by others as "weird". Some people were outright hostile in that I didn't act "more Black" or "more feminine". Thankfully, I had a small, but tight group of friends, so I was not teased so much (these friends included very "popular" people so...). But sometimes, it got to me. Especially when I was in situations where I needed to defend something that came (or was) natural to me. High school seemed to burr by; did not graduate at the tip top of class (but was in the top 5%...barely), and I was never asked on a date.

To my surprise college was a complete turn around. I was very popular...and I didn't really understand how or why. Probably because I was a nice person, and generally tried to help others. And also probably because my diverse range of interests and upbringing made me comfortable around almost anyone. This carried on after college, and throughout the duration of my twenties.

However I had two conversations this week with some people this week that led me to reflect, even be concerned. The first occurred on Sunday, when and ex-boyfriend of mine sent an email my way. It had been almost 7 years since I ever even spoke to him. He was only the 3rd guy I went out with, and one of those people you meet where you think you've hit the jackpot in the dating game. He was incredibly beautiful, intelligent and open-minded. He owned his own business and made a nest egg in the FL real estate boom. And he was an immigrant, with an adorable accent. He also boosted my own self-esteem in that from the girl I was in high school who was never even asked to the prom....to this, was sort of surreal. He also made me challenge myself and feel I was entitled to the absolute best.

So what happened? Well he had a drinking problem; which in turn caused other problems. The time was simply not right. I moved on and 2 years later, to Torah-observant Judaism. Step-by-step I started to humble myself a bit. I mean I was surrounded by this world I so much desired to be a part of, yet I knew nothing, and there was so much to learn! Of course this humility was necessary. But where do you draw the line? At what point do you start feeling like an unequal or inadequate?

I am a pretty strong-willed person; nothing has really changed that. But what has changed is my perspective. My ex wanted to catch up to see what was going on in life. He is in a long-term relationship with a child. I told him I was still single. He stated he just couldn't believe it - I was such a catch! I immediately doubted his statement. But then I was concerned as to why I doubted this statement. I had to own up to the fact that it is because as part of embracing the "ger" label, you embrace the label of being an "other". Many times "others" makes people uncomfortable. I just sort of marveled at this. Yes, I have certainly changed - but have all of the changes been for the good? Do I still feel like I deserve the best like when I did 7 years ago?

Another conversation was with a good frum friend of mine in Miami. She is also frum, we are the same age, and she is also single. Although we don't talk often, she too spoke of feeling inadequate in that although she was born Jewish, she never went to Jewish day school, seminary, etc. We had nothing but praises to sing about each other's qualities, but these things seem to fall short somehow...because we are single women.

Odd.

To be fair, I resolved 3 years ago the possibility of being single for the rest of my life. However the tougher task is to not let the fact that I am single be an indication as my worth as a person. It will be an ongoing struggle, I can see. To remember that Hashem made me they way I am and put certain opportunities in my life for a reason. As my ex correctly noted, "If you were religious back then, we would have never gone out" (because he's not Jewish). There is also another subtle battle that should occur. The fight to keep negative thoughts about people at bay; to not think that if you see a frum, G-d fearing Jew from a "good background" with a ger or a BT, that the thought, "Gee, I wonder what's wrong with them?".

My "Miseducation"?

Well the other day, I received an email from Aish HaTorah that contained the graphic above. Now that I am 30, I am too old for many of the programs that Aish HaTorah offers anyway -- but it is still nice to look. My introduction to Torah obeservant Judaism was essentially via Aish HaTorah. And I know that Aish HaTorah is essentially a haredi organization. However Rabbi Noah Weinberg, zt'l, was an incredible visionary; and has been a positive influence on so many Jews -- bringing Orthodox Judaism to the table of many of us who would have never given it a chance to begin with (myself included). However Aish HaTorah shows you that you can be a working professional, without a yeshiva education, and/or have serious questions about Judaism and still make the move to become frum.

So I guess the above program sort of surprised/disappointed me. I am currently working on my MBA; but the program clearly states that it is for men. I did not save the other portions of the email, but there was a "Fabulously Feminine" program advertised right below this one. You get a tour of NYC and you get to go....well, shopping. The target age group for the [men's] MBA program is 22-28; for the women's program is 18-25. Ok. So what about those Jewish young women who are in or out of college....majoring in engineering, business or perhaps pre-law? I am sure they would appreciate a professional program for females....and not simply a themed shopping trip.

Let me back up, and say that this is not a criticism of Aish HaTorah, chas v'shalom. But it is a frank examination of the methods of kiruv. I personally know of a few Jews who where not brought up frum and went to secular college. They made a very quick, and pretty seamless jump right into Yiddishkeit during their early to mid-twenties and B"H, and fitting in their respective communities well. But there is the question of those who either have not made that jump so completely, so seamlessly -- or those whose time of becoming frum happens later, during the late 20s or early 30s. This situation is especially problematic for women.

Jewish women who are not religious tend to be pretty passionate....about something; usually it is their career. So how do you even approach such women, with the scenario of the Torah-observant lifestyle? The usual method is to bring the prospective Jew into a frum home, so they can see the positive influence of Torah and how it can enrich the family/Jewish home life. A young professional Jewish man may feel very encouraged by this glimpse at a more stable home environment than the alternate has to offer. But a professional woman may see this as a disregard of her many years of work and dreams of being a working professional.

What was told to me, and it is very true, is that plenty of Orthodox Jewish women are working professionals. However a good number of these professional Orthodox women still married relatively young ("young" by secular standards). The few who are single may humbly admit that they would give up the career for a marriage and family any day. For a woman who was born frum, this is a cultural nuance that they have been familiar with for many years. Also, there tends to be a narrow range of professions among these frum working professional women. Many therapists and psychologists. A doctor or an attorney here or there. Many education professionals. Some computer professionals. However frum women in male dominated careers are not so common. This includes the positions for MBAs, engineers, or skilled labor positions. So what does a young Jewish women who has a Master's in Sports Management feel when faced with the usual paths towards becoming frum? With a potential baalat teshuvah or gioyeres, this may come as a big culture shock; perhaps too big.

I do not have a solution; only a personal wish -- which is simply for kiruv organizations to make more of an effort to work with the true lives of young Jewish adults; women especially -- and not tailor programs on such limited terms. In my case, I am spending tens of thousands of dollars on working on getting my MBA. I think this is worthwhile; I wish that there were Orthodox Jewish organizations who were supportive of this cause (I have yet to find a network of frum Jewish women MBAs). Being a working professional woman in the business world is not in and of itself at odds with Torah observance. My priorities are always first and foremost my Jewish home (oh the jobs I have turned down because I knew I couldn't get off Shabbos & Yontif...B"H, I have a great job in terms of time flexibiity). So please, acknowledge that women like myself are just as welcome within Orthodox Judaism. Without this effort to accomodate, I don't think most secular Jewish women will feel the compulsion to make 'the leap'.

Black Jews in Limbo

Well yet another interesting trailer on YouTube of a movie that I may or may not see. But the trailer has some great editing. In fact maybe the trailer is all you need to see. Lacey is apparently a halachaic Jew; fathered by a Black man she did not grow up knowing. I will (with great hesitation) not comment on the damages caused by the parents who did not tell her the truth about her true ethnic heritage. But to each their own. So in addition to the social and cultural issues bi-racial Americans face, Lacey invariably has a tough time finding a comfortable spot in the Jewish community as well.

It seems as if this film would be a useful one to see; especially from the viewpoint of seeing different specimens from the American social quilt and hearing the myriad of stories present within. But it is situations like this where you can really see the fallacy apparent in placing an importance on "Jewish" culture, and forgetting about Judaism the religion. If Lacey's family lived a Torah lifestyle, then there were be no ambivalence about Lacey's status; she would be a Jew, no questions asked. Now how she would be treated...that would be a whole different story. But if you come to know Black Orthodox Jews, you will often times see that they do not feel at odds with their Jewish identity; just mainly frustrated at being socially marginalized.

Last week, I attended a meeting of a group here at California University of Pennsylvania for Jewish students, faculty and staff (it's called "Yachad"; so apparently they did not get the memo about the special needs organization of the same name). Despite it's deep Mon-Valley location, there is still apparently a Jewish population here as there were 7 students, 1 faculty, and 3 staff members (including myself) at this meeting. Due to not being able to find the meeting location, I was about 10 minutes late...yet I could see the questioning quiet glances directed my way when I walked in. So I prepared myself for the questions that for sure would follow; the first which was along the lines of "What brings you here?". I then just casually remarked that I was Jewish, and I wanted to meet other Jews on campus. Of course that sort of just ignited the interest more, and more questions ensued. Therefore after our official meeting had long ended; several people were still hanging around to either hear "my story" or just sort of marvel at the fact that there is a Black Jew on campus here; and a religious one at that.

In spite of the questions (and the strange way some of the staff needed to justify to me that while they are not Orthodox, they do "live Jewishly"), I did not for a moment feel as if I did not belong in this group. In fact I feel that Jews of all ethnicities make it a point to be involved with Jewish organizations and groups so that we can be visible and not seem like anomalies. It would have been very easy for me not to go to this meeting. I could see many personality types not be up to the constant questioning about your involvement and interest. The only food I could eat there were the grapes, and the baby carrots (the one staff member told me the ranch dip and hummus were kosher, but I had no way to verify that information). Several of then events they discussed I would not be able to participate in anyway because they are on the weekends. But again, I feel it is still important for me to be involved; and help show many of these Jews that there is more bonding the Jewish people than a collection of last names and an affinity for matzah ball soup.

If we get back to the basics, than so many people would no longer be confused...and many times pained...over their Jewish identities.

Coming Clean (Adventures in Kashrus IV)

Ok, do you see these things...to the left? I am completely addicted to them! They contain like triple the amount of cinnamon that you would ever need in a lifetime -- which is probably why I like them so much. I buy a bag, it sits on my desk at work, and at the end of the day...it is gone. The contents of the bag...not the bag. I try to offer them to everyone, so that I am not the sole consumer of the calories, but they get so weirded out by the "Soy" part. Whatever. At least I am limiting myself to one bag per week...how about that?

New Playlist: Saturday Night in Washington Heights

I couldn't go to sleep, so I made a mix CD...which I haven't done in a while. Why I am posting it here...I'm not quite sure though...

1. I Gotta Feeling (Laidback Luke Remix) ~ Black Eyed Peas
2. Blue Eyes ~ Mika
3. Struggla ~ Matisyahu
4. H'rap H'acharon ~ Hadara Levin Areddy
5. Oye Como Va ~ Santana
6. For Once In My Life ~ Stevie Wonder
7. Break It Down Again ~ Tears For Fears
8. Small Axe/Battle Axe ~ Bob Marley & The Wailers/The Upsetters
9. Protected ~ Chino featuring Stephen McGregor
10. Tu Gornisht ~ King Django
11. Puerto Rico ~ Eddie Palmieri
12. Everything Is Coming Our Way ~ Santana
13. Nachon L'hayom ~ Los Capparos
14. Smash Lies ~ Matisyahu
15. The Glamorous Life ~ Sheila E
16. True Faith ~ New Order

Chasidim Go to Hollywood

LOL - this was pretty funny!

A New York State of....

During this holiday season (and I really feel this is my holiday season and not the time that comes 8 weeks from now) there have been several discussions I've been participating in about the virtues and pains of living "out of town". No, not just any town; but New York City; which seems to be the only town that matters to many observant American Jews. Without a doubt, this hemisphere has quite a few urban centers of Jewish life - Toronto, Chicago, Miami, Montreal, Baltimore, Los Angeles...even Cleveland. But still the question to many frum Jews on this side of the pond is, "How would I/we fare in NY?"

To be fair, I enjoy taking trips to New York. There is a certain feel of being a kid in a candy store when you are there. Especially if you are frum...the size and scope of the Orthodox Jewish community pretty awesome. But for better or for worse, that allows for the opportunity to just "ride the waves" and not really feel secure in any one place. This "place" can be either physical or psychological. In the case of frum Jews, the danger is that it will be no problem to act frum (keep Shabbos, keep kosher, etc.), but feel disjointed or at odds even with everything.

A friend of mine is young and single and moved to Brooklyn...for various reasons. Included in those reasons are parnassa and shiddichum. She remarked to me that she was pretty surprised that in the Jewish clothing stores for women, there are all sorts of clothing there she does not feel comfortable buying. It is tznius technically...but she feels it is outside the spirit of Yiddishkeit. However she did remark that since most of the young frum women in Brooklyn dress this way, then maybe it isn't so eye-catching. Nonetheless it is not her style. And when you are "out of town" you have that leeway to dress quite frum, and not have that much in the way of surrounding environment to be compared to.

I am currently reading a book about the history of he Jewish community in Western Pennsylvania from 1745 to 1945. I am not very far into the book (I am around the Civil War period) but I am facinated about how religious Jews must have felt living here in the "frontier" back then. How daunting it must have been. Yet they kept coming. And I don't know if Pittsburgh ever had an environment where it was "easy" to be frum. Instead I think the Jews who came and grew up around here developed a type of heartiness and pride about their Yiddishkeit that was laudable. Not that Jews from New York aren't proud to be Jewish...but who knows if they faced (and more so how they would deal) with the nisayons of being so immersed in a gentile world.

I think it is sad that there is a flight of young frum Jews to NYC. I feel that if more remained "out of town", more options would be available to religious Jews in terms of where they choose to live and the type of communities they want to be in. Yes, I get a "warm fuzzy" feeling to see so many frum Yidden walking around NYC; but when I think of actually living in a place surrounded by Jews, my thoughts default to Israel. I actually feel thankful that I don't live in NYC. My feelings could be unjustified and without basis. Maybe I just don't know what I'm missing.

My Type of Film :-)

Before Shabbos Shuvah, I received in the mail a DVD of the movie Arranged; which I actually ordered a couple of months ago; but mysteriously never received. The reason why it came up on my radar again is that I was trying to compile some films for the new pledges of my sorority to watch and write about. In the last semester of my BA program, I actually took a film class on diversity in American films. My final paper was a survey of films that featured Orthodox Jews in America. Pity I did not see this film then, because most of those films were underwhelming.

Well the premise here has the potential to fall down very flat; a religious Jewish woman and a religious Muslim woman become friends...against all the odds. It is almost too cliche. But maybe it helped -- no, it definitely helped that the writer of the screenplay for this movie is an Orthodox Jew herself. I actually saw these women as real people and not caricatures. I did not have to sit through any rudimentary demonstrations of "look at how different and odd these people are". Nope; you just got right to the nitty-gritty of the situation. Two young women who are co-workers in New York, going through similar phases in life and relating to each other.

I was also pleasantly surprised at the multi-dimensional presentation of both Rochel and Nasira; I mean it could have been very easy to portray them as two goody-goodies living in a sinful society and have that be the end of it. However Nasira is shown to be quite a spitfire of a personality who speaks her mind. Rochel on the other hand is much more shy...even a bit unsure of herself. However I could completely see these women being friends in real life. They quickly discern that they have much more in common with each other than they do with any of the other people around them.

Of course no movie is perfect and movies featuring Orthodox Jews seem to often fall in this "not perfect" category. I could find very little in the way of redeeming qualities in Rochel's family. The dynamics of life in a frum family came through very poorly in this movie. The father seemed to have no personality and no opinions and really no point. The mother played the part of a token Jewish wife; but displayed little real motherly warmth, caring or consideration. At least there was some irony in that Mimi Lieber (who played Rochel's mother), is pretty olive-toned and if you would have thrown a hijab on her, she could have also played Nasira's mother. Of course no one in Rochel's family was too sympathetic to her befriending a Muslim woman. In fact her little brother made racist remarks so often, all you could do is hope he was joking (even though his tone of voice did not suggest this).

I was biased as a viewer and the movie was also biased from the screenplay - as centering more on the Orthodox Jewish side of the spectrum. Of course I did not mind this. But I did long for just a little bit more exposure into the daily/family life of a religious Muslim family. Of course, that would have made the movie into something a-la network mini-series and who has time for all of that? But I was so smitten with Nasira's character; I wanted her to by my friend. Like the type of chic you can really have fun hanging out with (maybe she is the Muslim version of me). She doesn't use her religion to hide behind and be apologetic for her personality. On the other side of the coin, I was quite surprised by Rochel's brief sojourn with her off the derech cousin Leah. Of course the whole scene with them at the party was incredibly cliche (blatant drug use, lasciviousness, irreverrant non-religious Jews, etc.); but it did convey the message that a person's choice to be religious is no more nutty or insane than the choice that some people make to live other types of lives.

I use to have this small goal of owning all of the Jamaican films I could. Now I might have to change this to Orthodox Jewish films. Just like the Jamaican films, there are some real duds. However it is very interesting to be on the outside looking in for a change. However I don't know if the most suitable audience for this film, Orthodox Jewish women, would even be interested in watching it based on the seemingly campy premise. They might even think that there is some sort of political agenda (yes, the conflicts between Israelis and Palestinians were mentioned...but as an offhanded remark by schoolchildren). It is really a shame because Arranged presents a really good opportunity to see religious Muslims functioning outside of the stereotype often presented to the frum community.

Kosher food vs. Jewish food

B"H, in the past month, my community has added 3 new families (a growth rate of like 50% for us). Each Shabbos, I have been able to meet and get to know each one. One of the new additions to our community is actually returning after a long time; Rabbi L. - who will probably be splitting his time between here and Eretz Yisrael. So a conversation came up on Shabbos about food and kosher eateries. Rabbi L. basically scoffed at the idea of kosher sushi; and mused back to the days where each Jewish community had a kosher deli, not a kosher sushi joint. I smiled at this, because I have heard this a lot since moving back up north. As popular as [kosher] sushi was in Miami, there are many Jews in Pittsburgh who have no interest at all in trying it, or even relating to it. This is a real time clash of the changing climate and culture of American Jewry; even within the frum world.

I grew up in a generation where we got to eat out quite a bit. My mother and father...and certainly not my grandparents, did not grow up in homes where they could afford to eat out. So when I was young, eating out was like a statement that we reached a particular social level (not high...just "stable" I guess). My mother's family was more conservative in eating out (stuck to mainstream places like the Olive Garden or the Red Lobster), but my father was much more adventurous. In addition to our Jamaican food (which they also had at home), we would go for Japanese, Thai, Indian, Ethiopian, Greek, and Middle Eastern food. I still remember going to an Indian restaurant and having my father explain the differences in eating Indian roti and Jamaican roti. The curry too. There was a great Chinese restaurant in Squirrel Hill called the Schezuan House (now closed) where you could upgrade your chopsticks to the plastic ones and I used to keep them as a "souvenir". So yes, I had good memories of "traveling the world" by mouth...and tasting all of these various exotic foods.

Of course with my current sensitivities to kashrus, "traveling the world by mouth" is not nearly as important to me as knowing what I am eating and insuring the food is allowed per halacha. Since I started keeping kosher in a place that had Jews from all over the world, "kosher food" really had no particular brand or type to it. One of my earliest favorite kosher restaurants was a Moroccan place called "Kemia". The menu was in french and I could barely pronounce the food I was eating but it was incredibly delicious. The mixture of spices such as cinnamon, cardamon, mint and ginger was unlike anything you could find in the "kosher" isle of your local grocery store.

In a time where the Orthodox world is opening up to more and more baalei teshuva and gerim who may have spent a lifetime sampling this huge variety of food, the Orthodox world should also prepare for the rug to be yanked out from what we see as "jewish food". I really did not even get a clear concept of what "jewish food" was until I went to New York. There you'll have "Jewish delis" that aren't kosher. At first this really confused me; and I could not wrap my head around what the point was of a "kosher style" restaurant. But then I returned to Florida, and found that outside the frum Jewish neighborhoods, you had similar places (although they are not so bold in FL...rarely is the term "Jewish" or "kosher" in the names of these non-kosher delis and diners).

I also picked up that when you went to particular congregations, such as the Chabad house (not speaking for all of them...just the ones I went to), mesorah is highly prized, and a Shabbos lunch is no way complete without kishke, gefilte fish and cholent. I began to sense the strong affinity the frum world has with tradition. Not just with the services and the davening. But with the food, the clothing, and the zemiros. It is something that I came to hold a great amount of respect for. But it still has not come to me exactly how this can be taken on by baalei teshuva or gerim.

What I was taught from early on is that a ger takes on the minhag of the host community, and a BT can either go with the community or with their own mesorah (obviously, this decision is made through the guidance of a Rav). But once the decision is made, the truly difficult part ensues. Whatever minhag/mesorah you adopt, there is a broken link. For a good part of your life, you had no exposure and no practice doing these things. Focusing back on food, I can tell you that it is not easy to go from eating rich aromatic curries to eating cholent; or to go from eating escovitch fish to gefilte fish. Yet you want to remain respectful to Judaism...or is it "Jewish culture" you wish to remain respectful of? However aside from "being respectful" what about halacha? Isn't the point of a Shabbos meal to be regal, enjoyable, and a delight? How does (or how can) this happen when you are not liking the food you are eating?

Whenever I feel I am being traitorous for feeling this way, I reach for a songbook I have, The World's Most Popular Jewish Songs and take a gander at all of the different styles and languages "Jewish music" comes in. Ladino lullabies sound vary different from Chassidic wedding dances, yet no one would deny the claim this tunes have to Jewish culture. Perhaps we need to stop defining "Jewish culture" as something that came to it's prime 60 years ago, and start defining it as a constantly evolving thing. Our Jewish culture today is not so strongly tied to ethnicity and nations; but more to modes of living and shared peoplehood. Without a doubt, it takes some time for an American Jew of Ashkenazi heritage to walk around in Israel and see all these "brown" people in kippot and see them as members of klal yisrael. I expect it to take just as long (if not longer) for the kosher isle at the grocery store to expand to include more brands than just Manchievitz and Streits.

I do not see our generation as being superior or more cosmopolitan than previous generations of Jews. In fact I actually see it as a loss of a more defined, cohesive, American Jewry. But we had to lose some elements of that generation in order to progress to the future today. Just like I see it as a loss that cars are not longer 18 feet long, 2,800 lbs and laden with chrome and two-tone upholstery; I do not for a second desire that cars be made that way today. This is way I have pushed aside gefilte fish to make room for shashimi on my Shabbos plate.

True Colors

I do not own a TV (not because I feel it is inherently assur; but because it is not a priority in my life and I have much better things to spend a couple hundred dollars on); but one of the shows I do try to watch (at other people's homes obviously) is True Blood. While I feel that much of what goes on in the show is campy (kind of like watching the circus at the Swap Shop), I do like how every episode seems to surprise you. I mean it is still a glorified HBO soap opera...but the twist and turns along the way are great.

I have always had a thing for vampire stories, books and shows. I give even the corny ones a chance (like Eddie Murphy's Vampire in Brooklyn). I was probably the only person that watched Forever Knight back in 2000 (I think). I was in the hospital when Moonlight went off the air, and wasn't too thrilled about that. A few months later I received the Twilight set as a gift and got a bit of my fix again (although Twilight seemed more focused on love, obsession, loyalties, and youthful emotional conflicts more so than vampirism). But then there was a lull. That is until I discovered True Blood.

So what is the draw of the vampire scenario? Why doesn't it get old like zombie stories or those possessed by demons or even the anti-christ (there hasn't been any recent revisitation to The Omen series; I think the latest was when Damian's daughter surfaced in a prime-tme made for TV thriller)? Why are people (including myself) so comfortable with something as perverted and evil as a vampire?

Well I can only speak for myself in regards to the aforementioned musings. I am the type of person that likes when things are presented as what they really are. This is why I have a degree of respect for outspoken racists; because at least they are not closet racists. This is why I left Reform Judaism; because unlike Orthodox Judaism, they are floundering in regards to what Judaism really is. Therefore watching vampires operate in a variety of fantastical scenarios is interesting; because vampires are inherently evil. The interest will always lie in how they choose to deal with their status. However I think that modern writers work too hard to apply the psychological struggles of being a vampire to appease the masses. This is why Eric Northman, and not William Compton is my favorite character to watch on True Blood. Eric is a classic vampire. He is evil, he is selfish and he is alluring. He fits nicely into his pre-determined role and provides good entertainment. Bill on the other hand, you tend to forget he is a vampire. Instead he walks on the fence, being an evil creature doing good things (usually). This appeals to the modern-day tendency to be tolerant of all sorts of personality and life outlooks I suppose. But it pulls you away from the fantasy...and puts forth a more "real life" scenario. And if I wanted "real life" then I wouldn't need to turn on HBO (that is for sure).

I suppose that most "lead vampires" nowadays do a similar thing. I would not aspect huge mass appeal for a classic vampire a-la Gary Oldman in Bram Stoker's Dracula (a role I absolutely loved him in). Not when you have vampires like Edward Cullen who are so blinding with charm, intelligence, beauty, and everything else...you forget that the whole purpose of his existence is to drink your blood and drain you until you die. I guess this tells mountains about human nature and our ability to accept gross preversions of nature and morals. Not that I did not throughly enjoy Twilight or any other similar [modern] vampire tale. But I do admit I probably process these tales differently than most people. I see them not as geniune vampires, but as handicapped, modified humans. What you are presented with is the awesome ability we have to overcome our backgrounds...our "default nature" and do not only the right thing...but wonderful things. On a cynical note, I also feel that these women that test these vampires (Bella, Sookie, Mena, etc.) time after time would not be hurt by some therapy sessions to address their self-esteem issues. (Myself as well...but that's not related to this post).

This is a case where I wish fantasy could mirror real-life more. Here these vampires are tolerated and loved by humans; even when the humans know good and well the incredible harm they have the potential to bring to the relationship. Yet in real life we are much less tolerant of even other human beings and can only be made to love them if we have a very good reason to.

Kennywood Day

Yesterday, I went to Kennywood Park for probably the first time in 8 years or so. It was Jewish Community Day; and the major draw was that they would have kosher "amusement park food' available. Overall though, I was a bit disappointed. True I came late (around 4 pm), but I really expected to see more Jews in the park. It was nothing like Italian-American Day or the now defunct African-American Day. Their was no "ethnic flavor" to the park that day; and we didn't have any shirts to identify us (who knows...maybe there were a lot of non-Orthodox Jews out there and I just could not tell).

While waiting in line for the Exterminator, I caught sight of the folks in the picture. Seriously now? You mean you really have nothing better to do than get a t-shirt made and come to Kennywood to try to make a statement to Jews.? Please. I hope that other people, and not just Jews, saw these folks as being incredibly intolerant. I am sure they managed to convert oh so many Jews that day to believing in J {sarcarsm there}.

I heard talk through the grapevine of various food in Kennywood that was suppossedly kosher. But no one had any definitive answers on this; so I just stuck with the food that was available in the pavilion. It is the first time I went to Kennywood without getting one of those dipped chocolate ice cream cones.

Returning After a Long Absence

Well this past Shabbos was my first one in North Miami Beach since my accident. Although it has been almost two years, I found that there were many people who remembered me. This was a big surprise to me; in that I sort of felt that I did not have so many very close friends when I was there. But without a doubt I did have friends; people who have kept me in mind -- and who have actively thought about my well being.



I stayed with my friend Tzipporah; who has been through about as much as I have in the past two years. She divorced her husband, who was the impetus of them becoming frum. Both of them were also Jews of color. Her two daughters are very young and seemed to really enjoy my being there. Her youngest, a adorable, darker-skinned 3 year old came up to me when I was putting on my stockings. She patted my foot and beamed, "You are brown like me". My guess is that in the social environment she is in (they go to the Lubavitch school), it is not so often she gets close to other brown-skinned people.



In shul there was a Bar Mitzvah. It happened to be the eldest son of a Persian family that I used to live across the street from. They were thrilled to see me. It was great to hear the unique trop of the bar mitzvah bochur during kriah ha'Torah. It was also nice to see a bit of diversity around the shul. I saw (and heard) quite a few Israelis. I was also introduced to another young black woman who was seeking conversion. I could tell she was pretty desperate for some names and key contacts. I felt bad in that all of my information is a bit dated, but I invited her to email me after Shabbos and I would see what I could do. Before Shabbos, I was also suppossed to meet up with another woman who is interested in conversion. Unfortunately, she was sick. So maybe next time, IY"H.



I had lunch with Rabbi R.; who had a full table. He and his wife have always been the type to invite many people for Shabbos. Although I was sort of "lost in the crowd"; it was so nice to see this family in action again. They are so welcoming and great towards their neighbors. I feel so blessed to have gotten to know them.



I spent the rest of Shabbos with the S. family. They geniunely have missed me and it truly felt as if I had never left. Except that there is a new baby. The sisters who are around my age have great relationships with their parents, and it is sweet to see. The 32 year-old had a possible shidduch visiting and we have our fingers crossed.

Overall, I feel as if I sorely miss the community. The sheer number of frum people, the local Jewish amenities, the uniqueness of the community. However right now is not the right time for me to live in North Miami Beach. Maybe somewhere in the near future; maybe somewhere in the far future; or maybe never. However NMB will always be my "home"; the place where I first joined the frum community. The place that helped to mold me into who I am today.

Send My Regards To...

Well a pretty strange, yet humorous thing happened to me this past Shabbos. Rabbi R. (who is originally from Chicago and moved here from Israel; so he has no local ties to this community) comes up to me and says that he has regards for me to give to my Grandfather. I just looked at him blankly. Surely he was not talking to me! You see I only have 1 Grandfather. My "Campbell" Grandfather is not only long deceased...but he never even lived in this country. So my mother's father does not have the same last name as me, and we surely don't look alike.

So I asked Rabbi R. to clarify. He said that Lee M. had regards to send to my Grandfather. Ok. Who is "Lee M." and, again, I highly doubt that either he or Rabbi R. know who my Grandfather is. I went on to tell Rabbi R. that he must be mistaken. Rabbi R. smirked a bit and said, "Look, your Grandfather cooks, right?" Yes, ok. "He takes the food over to auto shops over in Glassport, right?" Well, in all honesty, I don't have any clue about that. "Well Lee M. says there is this older Black man who cooks food for his guys and talks about how his granddaughter is becoming a Jew. Who else could it be?"

Ok, so now I know for sure that's my Grandfather. It already confirms my previous inklings that the both the Mon Valley and the Jewish world are just way too small!

Memories Still Standing

For a few weeks, I have been going around taking pictures of synagogues in the area (the picture above is the inside of my shul, Gemilas Chesed). Some of them are still open and active; some are churches (or other things); some are closed. I am not doing this because I like photography (if fact I don't know the first thing about taking pictures). Instead I am doing it to have some sort of insight, even if it is a souveneir photograph, of the Jewish community that is hosting me. That includes that community's past. When people tell stories of certain things, certain events, I like to have a tangible tie to those stories. Of course there are some synagogues, for which there are no stories for which anyone I know can offer to me. But that is ok, they say a picture can tell a thousand words.

Another reason why I am doing this is because there is very little information about these synagogues online. Even to get the teeniest bit of written information is hard, much less a picture. Some of the synagogues I had to find via word of mouth (they have long been removed from directories). Plus I don't always have free time to just go out driving around (many times I feel like I am on a treasure hunt). But the album will be a work in progress. I am as interested in what turns up as anyone.

ְלֹא אִירָא

Since I am not listening music, to keep myself from climbing the walls, I have been catching up on watching my DVDs. Yesterday evening, I brought Batman Begins; I worked backwards, having seen The Dark Knight two weeks ago. Yes, I realize I am one of the last people (of those who watch movies) to see these films. I found that I thoroughly enjoyed both films; particularly Batman Begins. I enjoy action films, as well as the realization of comic book heros. However I also like a good, meaningful story. Needless to say, you don't really get that too much in superhero movies these days.

Growing up, I was not so much "into" Batman. However, understand that Batman when I was growing up was Adam West being an uber intellectual caped crusader, galavanting around in the wild in crazy world of the 1960s. I remember in 1989 when the first Batman movie was released. It was dark and edgy; but it was also emotionally off-kilter (thank you Tim Burton). Batman Begins presents a better, deeper story of personal conflict and the profound effect of a person's worldviews and philosophies.

Bruce Wayne may be one of those people who should be utterly and completely happy. After all he has money, he's amazingly handsome, and his physicality and intelligence are well above average. Yet he is very far from happy; and makes decisions that boggle the minds of those who are close to him. His life is at times thrown into autopilot, driven by anger and fear especially, taking him to places and pushing him into experiences that he probably would not anticpate...nor wish for.

The power that fear has over people is incredible. Many times, people do not even know what they are afraid of (or they cannot articulate their fears). Fear is what stops people from seeking out their dreams. Fear is what helps make the logical illogical. Fear is something that can limit potential unlike nothing else. Yet who can blame someone for succumbing to their fears?

In Batman Begins, a recurring theme was "Men fear what they can't see"; I would also stretch that to say that people fear what they do not know about. Who wants to be the first to do anything? Only very, very special people. The other day, I heard about Neil Armstrong, Michael Collins, and Buzz Aldrin going to the White House to help promote the U.S. Space program. I am very awed by these men; for no matter how much you study space travel, and the environment, and what the moon is like; you just never know until you get there yourself. And long before then, Christopher Columbus could mainly gather those who had little to lose if they died at sea. However now that we understand the globe, few people think twice of traveling to continents thousands of miles away.

In many ways I feel that those of us who are from non-frum backgrounds have this kind of relationship with the frum world. You have to embrace your fear, and take it with you on the journey to become frum yourself. I almost said to "conquer your fear", but that is much easier said than done. Rather you need to co-exist with it, work with it, until it becomes of no consequence. Bruce Wayne never "conquered" his fear of bats; but rather funneled it into something that created something awesome.

In Hebrew, there is no blanket term such as "fear"; rather you have יראת which means "humility/reverance" sort of fear, and you have אירה which is a which is a "dread" sort of fear. One is positive, and one is negative. Yet the two are interelated; and it is possible to morph one into the other. People who contemplate any kind of major lifestyle change can either dread it to the point to where they just cannot do it; or they can hold a reverance for it, and the seriousness of it all. A key piece of the puzzle is to understand what you fear. Be knowledgable about the situation that you dread so much. You do not have to spend time in a cave with thousands of bats; but you most definitely must be willing to come far away from your comfort zone.

It All In Your Head

Here we go again. I feel that this is the most difficult time of the year for me. As of the present (maybe this will change one day), I do not completely eschew music during the sefirah period (I do not attend live music or dance; but I do still listen to recorded music. See this source). However during the three weeks, I do not listen to any kind of music; and it is very depressing, and difficult for me.

Due to significant life changes, moving around so much, and perhaps a personal streak of strong independence, I do not have many friends; and I certainly do not have a "best" friend. Yes, I have countless people I can call on the phone and chat with and even go out for a coffee with. But very few of them are fully comfortable with the "whole me". Instead they highly enjoy certain aspects of me; but after too long will grow irritated or annoyed with the other facets of my personality. Because of this I have accepted that friends will come and go; and my family can never get so close to me. And that is just the way it is.

However with music...the relationship is much more lasting. For sure, I have some albums (yes, I own quite a few LPs; you know, "vinyl") that I hardly listen to; maybe I am even embarrassed by them (case in point, that Little Rodney Allen Rippy album). But I still hold a sentimental affinity for them. For the most part, I do not look back on my life with regrets. Although I did some crazy, stupid things. I enjoyed myself; I won't be doing it again, but it was enjoyable. Listening to the music from those periods in my life are like audible photographs that are a reminder of me; the whole me.

I realize that many if not most converts see their life in sections; before Judaism and after. I have a tough time with this personally. For one, I "took ownership" of Judaism and the notion of being Jewish when I was just a teenager. In addition, at that time, Judaism was a more lenient lifestyle than what I grew up with. For example, as a young child under the guidance of my Protestant Grandmother, I was not allowed to go shopping on Sundays or wear a skirt above my knees. However as a Reform Jew, I was "released" from such stipulations; and was afforded the opportunity to stretch my horizons, experiences, and influences. B"H, I retracted back; but not before taking in some very important lessons from this time period.

For example, growing up, I was not allowed to listen to rap music. The cursing, the subject matter, etc. - was not something my Grandparents wanted played in their house. My senior year in high school was the year that Notorious B.I.G. and Tupac Shakur were killed. Now I've never been such a big fan of Tupac; but I found Notorious B.I.G. pretty mesmerizing. Now to be fair, it wasn't as if I wasn't listening to rap before this. My entire neighborhood (and my mother) were big on Bone Thugs-N-Harmony, L.L. Cool J, Run D.M.C., etc. But when I was in college, Notorious B.I.G., Ma$e, and Puff Daddy (oh and DMX as well) played the soundtrack of those friendships, the learning, of independance. Today I am at the point where I really cannot identify with songs with so much cursing, or talking about designer clothes and sexual escapades. But I do not cringe away or close my ears to it. Sort of like a nebech family member who seemed so different many years ago.

But back to my overall relationship with music, I feel that music in general is the constant in my life. It has always reined me in strongly and can catch my attention like no other. My father used to get the greatest kick out of the fact that when I was between the ages of 1 and 2, I used to try to sing Neil Sadaka's Laughter in The Rain, although I could not really talk yet. I could only say "oooo" "rainy" and "day" all through the course of that song. When I was 3, I got my own record player and all of my mother's old records (since she had since moved out and left them behind). That was a lot of disco/dance, Prince, some Tamla and Motown 45s (the Commodores and Stevie Wonder), and of course I loaded up on my kiddie albums (I had the Pac-Man album, Strawberry Shortcake Flashdance, The Monchichis Album, etc.). Of course "kiddie" albums back then were better than anything Myley Cyrus can put out now. I had a Candyman album that had Sammy Davis, Jr. himself singing the title track and some other trippy (but good) 60s bands. I also had the Batman Album by the Markettes which is also really good musically.

It probably did not help that my father was in a reggae band; so some of my first cassettes were from him going to New York City and getting reggae mixed tapes. These tapes were copied countless times and I served as some sort of 8 year-old ambassador for reggae music in SW Pennsylvania to a lot of people (rather they wanted to hear it or not). Then I moved to Allentown, PA where I started getting really into "White" music (for lack of a better term). Bon Jovi, Samantha Fox, Lisa Lisa & Cult Jam, Expose, New Kids on The Block, Vanilla Ice {sigh}. Ok, so my taste in music sort of backslid then! By the mid-90s I was back in SW PA and back on track. R&B was pretty unstoppable then with Boyz II Men, SWV, Mint Condition, En Vogue, and Brownstone. I was in Clairton Jr./Sr. High School marching band; which was probably one of the coolest bands in the area since our own director wrote our music. We played music by Janet Jackson, Ice Cube, Neil Diamond, the Beverly Hills 90210 theme, the Tootsie Roll (that was corny though), and whatever Disney movie was out that year (Little Mermaid, Beauty & The Beast, etc.).

High school is when I started getting into punk and alternative music; and at the tail end, ska. My unsuspecting friend in band brought a No Doubt Cd for me in 1996 and a trip to Myrtle Beach in 1997 introduced me to Sublime. Then I read a music review in the school paper on 311. From there on out I was hooked. It was reggae, it was rock, and it was trendy at the time.

In the years since college, I would sort of go back and revisit all of these genres; plus new things that would pop up...especially in the indie scene. It is true, that since I have become frum (when I was 25/26), I have become a bit more selective. I remember when I first heard about the White Stripes. I heard how good their music was, but I was dreading that it would be full of gross lyrics. To my [pleasant] surprise, that was not the case. Around the same time, I was also introduced to Metric; whose lyrics are more edgier. But I was pleased to catch them live in Pittsburgh at an all-ages show that was pretty PG-13, atmosphere-wise.

In early 2005, I took a trip to the Lower East Side of NYC. I was going to Aish HaTorah, joining families for Shabbat; but still thinking that I just fell into some sort of alien-lifestyle that I could never acclimate to make my own. Now on just about every trip I've taken to NYC, I would go to Jammyland (which has since closed). Jammyland was the source for good reggae albums in the city; and the staff was out of sight. It was there, where I was probably looking for some Trojan albums, that I saw Matisyahu's CD. Previously I had some horrible luck with "Jewish" reggae CDs and I don't even think I listened to it right away. However, when I got back to Florida, I ordered 3 more of these CDs because he was simply that amazing (for the record, I do not feel that Matisyahu's subsequent CDs are even close to his album Shake of the Dust...ARISE! which he did with JDub). It was also another "synthesis". Just like when I first heard ska, Matisyahu was taking reggae and mating it with a love for Hashem, Torah and Yisrael. It was a small thing, but for me a push to continue on the path towards Yiddishkeit.

In spite of my deep love for music, I have never been the type to lose myself or idolize musicians (although I greatly appreciate them; there was a time where I could only find myself attracted to a man if he played an instrument). No I would rather stand at the edge of the stage (or better yet backstage) and also talk with the band after. Similarly, I do not become swayed by music, but rather it tends to emphasize what is already within me. For example, there is a lot of roots reggae that I enjoy and relate to on a spiritual level. Even though they are not Jewish themes per say, Rastafarians focus more so on the text of the Tanakh (very little, if any NT stuff). They also tend to sing about an interaction between man, G-d, and his creation. In a similar vain, I find that R&B/soul music in general is very pleasant to listen to, and sounds very sincere. Nevermind the fact I cannot immediately relate to being the other women in a married man's life. Many times the focus of the song is on the pain or love that results; not the situation.

Perhaps it is my viewpoint on music that makes me feel as if a friend has died during the Three Weeks. All musicians have a story to tell, and for the time being, they are silenced and they cannot tell that story to me right now. Just like when someone sits and pours their heart out to you and you enjoy the bonding process; for the time being, I have lost my daily chance to bond a little. To empathize with another human being, in my own way, with whatever they care to express. I guess as a woman, that is how I manage to manifest this instinct.

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On all of the other websites I manage, I have installed Google Analytics; especially within the last year. You see, the previous version of their script used to really slow down your website on page loads and the like. However the new version hardly impacts your browsing experience. So I decided to also install it on this blog (although my other blogs do not have the script installed).

So as a visitor to this blog, this is what you have the right to know about the information I am tracking:

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