Of Course ;-)

Well I'll be volunteering in the morning at the Kane Nursing Center. I might take in a movie later on that night.

Happy Holidays

This is my second December up in PA. True, last December, I was camped out on the couch, confined, due to my injuries. I did venture out a couple of times. But mainly to release cabin fever.

Now it's about a year later and I'm back in society. I have to admit, there is something about Miami where X-mas just isn't a big deal. Maybe because there just are so many Jews (religious and secular) and also the whole notion of importing in evergreen trees seems to be strange. Nonetheless the 25th of December just sort of came and went and it wasn't a big deal (well I learned the hard way NOT to try to order kosher Chinese that day).

But Pennsylvania is "different". Pretty much everyone assumes that you celebrate the the "holidays" complete with a tree, exchanging presents...the whole nine yards. It is a far cry from feeling alienated. However it's been ages since I've celebrated Xmas; it was probably in high school when I stopped. So it's not something I need to "get used to" either.

In fact, I think I have got too used to it. Yes, Hanukkah is coming up; but it is not a major Jewish holiday. It is a wonderful holiday; but not a major one. You do not get the emotional build up, the days off of work, the special services (yes there are extra brachot that you say, but not a special service). Before I joined the frum world, I would exchange and receive "hanukkah gifts", but I have not done that in ages.

It is around "this time" that you realize just how "unique" you are as a non-Xtian in America. You bow out of the company luncheons (well I do because of kashrus reasons), you don't hum along to Xmas carols, and you don't go into serious debt buying items for loved ones. Yet I am not jealous of not having the holiday. People are curious about it, and it doesn't unnerve me. But I can see how it can make many people feel "odd". Feeling "odd"; it very much comes with the territory for gerim.

A Box O' Books

A couple of weeks ago, Ms. Aliza posted on her site about a Hanukkah book contest. I was one of the winners, but I promptly forgot about it. Well yesterday I came home to a box with 5 books in it. I was a bit baffled and was concerned that either it was some sort of mistake or that I now owed someone some sort of favor ($124.91 worth of favors). Then I took another look at the packing slip. The bill to name was simply "The Hachette Book Group". I googled them, and then saw what was going on. Ah....

Thank you Aliza! You see, blogging definitely has it's perks; you just have to be tenacious :-)!

#%*!#!@ >:(

Question: Are you SERIOUS?!?!

Detroit Church Prays for Auto Bailout.

I can't even bring myself to write about this; I'm that disgusted!

The Birds & The Bees

I have sort of wrestled on how to write about this; but hey, I need to get it off of my chest (I intend absolutely no puns in this entry!) so to speak. A couple of weeks ago, I came across the Calm Kallahs forum and I've been reading through it in silent, mild horror. The premise of the forum's creation is a good one; Orthodox Jewish kallahs have a place to exchange information and vent a bit. From observation, I think few things can be as stressful as a religious Jewish wedding. Not only must you get a wedding together in an impossibly short period of time, but you are also dealing with getting a crash course in male-female emotional dynamics and sex. And from I see on Calm Kallahs, I really wonder if all that many actually "get it".

Now I should clarify; I am not criticizing the frum marriage process or it's chances at success, chas v'shalom. No doubt, observant Jewish married couples fare much better than their secular counterpoints. What I am focusing on here are the misconceptions regarding sex and the emotional aspects of the marriage relationship. From my point of view, even after 4 years in the frum community, I have no idea of how "intimate matters" get discussed in a frum family. From the Calm Kallahs forum, and also a friend of mine in Florida who taught "kallah classes" and admitted that many of the women were just so embarrassed to even deal with the requirements; I guess that it is not discussed too much.

My sex education (and I really hope this will not reflect as "oh look at how untznius Miss S. is!" since what is past is past) consisted early on as my Grandmother telling me that if any boy tried to touch my private areas or tried to take off my clothing, I was to run away since he was undoubtedly evil. In my Xtian home, I got the general impression that sex was sinful and of course I never witnessed any type of physical intimacies (not even kisses or hand holding) between my Grandparents. My Grandfather likes to stretch the truth/exaggerate, but he once admitted to me that after my mother was born, there just wasn't any more sex [between them]. What is true is that my mother was a colicy baby and my Grandmother had a hysterectomy in her late 30s (she was 47 when I was born). My Grandmother, being a very religious Christian probably honestly saw no point in sex since she was obviously done with children (this differs from the Jewish view of sex considerably of course).

No one spoke to me specifically about the basis, but we had a lot of books in our house including Our Bodies, Ourselves which had a very feminist slant (even had chapters on lesbianism) and plenty of illustrations that left nothing up to the imagination. So by age 10 or 11 maybe, I pretty much understood the mechanics of sex. It wasn't until high school when they presented sex education (presented by Planned Parenthood) that I learned anything else. By that point, about 1/4 of my class had already had some sort of sexual encounter. I on the other hand, ended up graduating high school without having ever gone on a date with (much less kissed) a boy.

Even though I was "odd" and a "late bloomer" by secular standards; I always had friends of both sexes who would have very frank sexual discussions with. Looking back however, just the conversations with my female friends would had sufficed. Now I never sat in on a kallah class, but I somehow do not picture the same depth of conversation that I had with my female friends in college.  Now if you compare this to how I am now, pretty much shomer negia (I do touch men in professional settings for handshakes), and sex is no longer a recreational sport.  However, there are frum women who I am friendly with, that I think I could absolutely sit down and have frank conversations with (on the topic of sex).  This seems to be normal and natural and I don't really see how such shouldn't be regarded as tznius.

Now several years ago, I discovered Nishmat, which is a thorough, helpful resource for information regarding taharas hamishpacha.  Its antithesis is Calm Kallahs.  So you see, for me, it is not about having the need to ask questions and need some guidance in regards to sex -- the Torah observant community thrives on the freedom to ask questions!  But rather the problem is unhealthy means in which the subject is thought about and handled.  When it comes to questions such as, "Can I get pregnant if I'm on top and my husband is on the bottom?", there is no reason why you can't ask that question to someone you are close to in your family or a friend.  I would be incredibly saddened if I found out my daughter or sister posted such a question on the internet to get an answer instead of coming to me.  The popularity of such questions reveal that too many Jews are regarding sex as a "dirty little secret" when really that is not the case at all.  What kind of impression is given about the frum community that we choose not to place any sort of emphasis on healthy sexuality?

Baruch Dayan Emes :-(

See details on Chabad's website here

Somehow, Jews Just Cannot Escape Terrorism!

I was saddened when I heard news of the terrorist attacks in India last night. Yet my heart just broke that even in India, Jews were also subjected to this. Rabbi Holtzberg (on the far left) and his wife are still not accounted for. The Chabad was targeted in the terrorists' search for "foreigners".

Please say tehillim for Gavriel Noach ben Freida Bluma, Rivka bas Yehudis and Moshe Tzvi Ben Rivka.

Pierre's Sorbet (Adventures in Kashrus III)

I am officially a repeat offender of this stuff. I just picked up some today to take to New York with me for Shabbos. I purchased my first quart (of the peach flavor) on a whim when I couldn't find any nice flowers for my host for Shabbos. They liked it. They then brought more and served it for during yontif (Rosh Hashanah & Sukkos). Two more of their guests remarked to me that they are now buying it as well and that they really like it too. I guess it also helps that it is easily available at Giant Eagle.

The funny thing is, I myself think it's just "ok"; but I'm partial to parve chocolate desserts. However it is very light and refreshing. I think that's what most people like about it.

Does "Chosen" = "Superior"?

In the Jewish Week, there is an article entitled, "The Heretical Notion of 'Jewish Superiority'". I felt that the article successfully presents the proper attitude that Jews should possess regarding the non-Jewish people they live amongst. Unfortunately, if this were not a widely believed myth, I guess there would be no need to write about it. The question arises then, why does this "myth" continue to be perpetuated in the frum community?

My first "real life" exposure to Torah observant Judaism was through the kiruv community (Aish HaTorah and rabbonim from Ohr Somayach namely). A big draw to kiruv is telling non-frum Jews that they are "special" and "unique" and poised and ready to be designated for a higher level of living. This nurtures the necessary "warm & fuzzy" feelings that are needed to rope in these people and bring them back to Torah observance; so in that aspect it's good. However, what is the response when a non-Jew starts to express interest in Judaism? "Oh, well, Judaism doesn't seek converts. You were born a certain way for a reason; you are just fine the way you are". The first part of the aforementioned statement is true; but what about the rest of it? Imagine being a non-Jew hearing this, and while you can get all sorts of logical (and illogical) explanations about why you are what you are -- I think it is rare that the non-Jew interprets this information without thinking, "Wow, I am just not on the same level as a born Jew". This is pretty comparable to a blind person feeling that they are less than a human because they cannot see. But it is not completely equivalent since blindness is an indisputable physical handicap while being a non-Jew is a debatable spiritual handicap.

I personally get a bit bothered when people say I have a "Jewish neshama". Actually, I feel that my soul is just mine. Like Rabbi Ben-Chaim said, becoming a Jew is not some sort of "improvement" over the old me. It's more of an honored designation; like becoming a doctor. Maybe I have the wrong mindset, but I see the process of becoming a Jew as something that is done; actions by myself and by the Jewish community. Therefore, I don't question Hashem as to why he saw that it was necessary for me to be born as a gentile (although I do struggle with all the difficulties I encounter while "walking my path"). Being a Jew is not really a state of "being" at all in my opinion. If that were the case, I would never be able to become a "true Jew" outside of some sort of miraculous divine designation along the lines of what happened at Har Sinai. Maybe this is why Jews have such a hard time digesting converts? You can act "like" us, but you can never change the fact that you were not born like us.

So returning back to the kiruv thing; yes, there is a dire need to help non-religious Jews recognize the truth present in Torah and the peace present in living a life directed by it. However these non-religious Jews should also understand that they are no better than a gentile who underwent a halachaic conversion or a Jew who eats in the Red Lobster once per week. The difference is in how we connect and relate to Hashem and how we believe our time on this planet will be maximized. For born Jews, there is the added fact that they are responsible for carrying out the mesorah of their ancestors (someone in their family probably remained a Jew at the peril of their lives, yet they have no desire to embrace an observant Jewish life!). But it all boils down to the performance of the mitzvot; and non-religious Jews "enjoy" the status of being a Jew because some of their ancestors took on the mitzvot. If they themselves choose to eschew the mitzvot, then they relinquish their claim to Jewishness (which may not be technically true for them, but will very likely be for their descendants who will be very unlikely to be Jews in any sense anyway).

I am not a social psychologist, but my guess is that minority religious communities hold on to superiority notions as a "security blanket" to help keep people in the fold. If the Jews are "chosen" by Hashem, what does this "choseness" impart? Although the Torah points out quite clearly that being "chosen" means to be involved in a covenant...so a spiritual relationship with Hashem. However, this has morphed into modern times as a "look at the Incredible & the Indelible Jews!". We love to enumerate the percentages of Jews who won Nobel Prizes, create lists of famous Jews, and talk about the amazing accomplishments of Israel. Similar to kiruv, this is fine; if the scenario were one-sided. But it is not. Take Anti-Semitism for example: you have some situations were anti-semitism is used to liberally describe mishaps and discrimination that occurs to the Jews. Yet what did we hear from many Jews during this election year? Various accounts of potentially racially motivated rhetoric against Obama. While it was addressed by some Jewish news outlets like Haaretz, the most bone chilling comments were heard informally in the Jewish community.

If my writing sounds too critical, it is not my intention in the least. I am simply trying to dig a bit to find the causes behind the Jewish people coming to embrace these superiority notions that teeter upon the very dangerous territory of projecting bigotry to non-Jews. This type of thinking has very little tolerance for "the others" who are trying to become like them (since it gnaws away at the inherent superiority notion). Therefore this seemingly benign issue is recognized as a red flag by Jewish converts right away.

Malta - A Blast From The Past (Adventures in Kashrus II)

I saw it for sale in Save-A-Lot and I was shocked. Mainly because the lack of a Hispanic population in Southwestern PA doesn't usually bring such things. So out of curiosity, I checked it out. Certified OU; surprise #2! I brought two cases for $4.99 a piece. :-)

Save-A-Lot is pretty impressive in regards to what they carry. They have a nice assortment of parve crackers (off brand wannabe Ritz and Town House crackers) and breads, parve ice creams, and taco sauces with hechshurim.

Election Fallout

Well it has been 9 days since the election, and for the most part I have been ducking down and covering my head. I had expected that the reaction from the bulk of the frum (and mostly Republican) crowd would not be good. However I do not think I was prepared for the serious hand wringing and cries of woe that seemed to be comming from everywhere. Couple that with the extreme jubilance in the Black community and what I have going on is practically a political bi-polar case.

I have been a Democrat my entire voting life and I see no good reason to change my convinctions. I would even go as far as to say I lean towards being a Democratic Socialist. This is mainly because I feel that it is a crime that the most prosperous country in the world does not provide bare basic health care for it's citizens or equal access to higher education to those across economic classes. And of course, outside of politics, there the aspect and essence of holding pride in being a member of the Black American sub-group. Therefore, Barack Obama's victory was truly one for me to embace. More so than a Kerry or Clinton win would have been.

Of course, the dark cloud looming is that of the [general] spirit of the frum community I am a part of. I feel like I just discovered that I'm pregnant, but I'm in the company of someone who can't conceive. I start to second guess my ability to empathize; to truly put myself into their shoes. And why am I saying "their" anyway? I am suppossed to be them! Or at least moving that way. Yes I realize that there are frum Democrats. But if they are born Jews, no one would be able to questions their "underlying motivations" like is the case with a potential ger.

I am also being exposed to a lot of information from many fronts right now. Of course those imparting that information are quite passionate and bias about sharing it. A favorite frum blog of mine linked this article which discloses that Obama aides have ties to Hamas. Yet I had to search myself for this article which came out the following day where the aides deny this claim. Then on the other side of the fence you have stuff like this where Black people have somehow developed the ability overnight to take certain liberties to step all over the self-esteem of White people. Yes, I am proud that this country elected a Black man (well 1/2 Black man) to it's highest office. But it is just not nice to turn around and stick out your tongue and thumb your nose at the rest.

From Psalm 146, it says:

אַלתִּבְטְחוּ בִנְדִיבִים בְּבֶןאָדָם, שֶׁאֵין לוֹ תְשׁוּעָה - Put not your trust in princes, nor the son of man, in whom there is no help...

And from Psalm 141, it says:

כִּי אֵלֶיךָ, יְהוִה אֲדֹנָי עֵינָי בְּכָה חָסִיתִי, אַלתְּעַר נַפְשִׁי - But mine eyes are unto thee, O GOD the Lord: in thee is my trust; leave not my soul destitute.

Therefore it is attested to that the Jews main allegiance is to the G-d of Avraham, Yitzchak, and Yaakov. I do love Israel; no question. And the State of Israel is a key development in Jewish history. However the well being of Eretz Yisrael rests on Hashem ultimately; and on the Jews auxiliarily. In addition, the Jews are designated to be the moral compass for the world. So how could so many frum Jews gloss over the major social accomplishment that was achieved a little over a week ago. Black Americans fought for equality to be recognized as full human beings in their own right -- for so long, and so hard. How could other Jews not share in our joy?

Only Hashem knows the full picture. Perhaps I am wrong in my criticisms and saddness. Maybe Hashem desires to hear more tefillos from his people, so he brought this on. I myself will try to remember (bli neder) to keep those who are angry and fearful in my prayers that they will have peace in themselves again.

A "Model" Jew

Leave it to Aliza to get the scoop on the latest on the gerus and kiruv scene. I come home to see an e-mail sent out with a link to this story that reveals that Ivanka Trump is converting to Judaism; apparently in concordance with her becoming engaged to Jared Kushner (a Jew...apparently). I know, I know; this sort of thing happens all the time with celebrities (although nowadays, it's probably gone out of vogue a bit because so many famous people are joining those 'anything-goes-as-long-as-you-have-money' type deals). However, she is learning at Congregation Kehilath Jeshurun which is a Modern Orthodox synagogue. What this means, I am not sure, and neither does the author of the article (apparently); however it is really fascinating.

Could it be that Miss Trump is pursuing a halachaic conversion? If you put aside the fact that she is involved with a Jewish man, she could be a good candidate. She certainly doesn't need to worry about the added expense of Jewish living or trying to find a profession where she can be off for the Yom Tovim and Shabbos. Although she was a model, and most photographs of her (like the one above) are a far cry from anything tznius; Ivanka, in spite of her fame, has not really engaged in the typical rich brat debauchery that so many other well to do heiresses have in her age range (eh-hem...'Paris Hilton'...eh-hem). Any interviews I have seen of her or read on her (which have really been only three; including this YouTube video) portrays her as a relatively intelligent and professional woman. There are no glaring conflicts (it seems) that would prevent her from becoming a Torah observant Jew.

Of course, I can't get too excited about this news; mainly because there are so many unsettling questions that are on my mind; and they probably come up in the mind of other people who are pursuing halachaic conversions as well. (Of course, these questions are only valid if she is looking to pursue a halachaic conversion...if not, then they don't really apply.) The first, most obvious issue is the fact that she chose to convert after her engagement to a Jewish man. The classic take regarding Orthodox conversions is that you do not undergo one for marriage purposes. In reality though, this does still happen; but the Jewish significant other is also evaluated in regard to what extent they are shomer mitzvot; also, perhaps the process is drawn out a bit more. Will that be the case here? The second issue is just how much knowledge of Judaism will Miss Trump need to internalize; or will she pushed along through the system because, well, she is quite well off and would be a great financial asset to the frum community. I do not mean to insinuate the any Beis Din or Rabbi is "for sale", chas v'shalom. However, there are many things Miss Trump could do that I could not do; to facilitate living as a Jew. She could buy and install a complete new kitchen and hire all sorts of hired staff to assist her with Shabbos and the particulars of being a Jewish wife. She could purchase the entire Artscroll library and have it at her disposal to access anything on an "as needed" basis. This is not really a stretch if you think about it. I heard of a woman in her 40s who converted that just could not learn to read Hebrew. She told the Beis Din that she always had access to transliterated siddurim and bentchers and that was fine.

Finally there is a third issue which probably bothers me more than the other two; and that issue is the aspect of a ger leaving their original community [so to speak] and clinging to the Jewish people. My Rabbi reminds me of this necessity and that when the Jews are subjected to pains and struggles; you too must also take ownership in those same pains and struggles. This sounds simple; but really it is not. From my perspective (and probably from the perspective of many other potential gerim), it can be tough to not feel full acceptance from the community; and then turn around and fully align yourself with them times of hardship. However, there is no other group on earth I feel a connection with and affinity with except for the Jews; so I will stand my ground. Does Miss Trump have it inside of her to also feel this? I do not deny that she is able to; but it is probably more difficult for her than it is for me. If, G-d forbid, her future marriage would end in divorce, would she still proudly wear the Jew label or will she quickly and readily shed her Jewish Stepford Wife skin? Will we have another Dr. Laura on our hands, who will convert, get the "in", and then turn around later and criticize Torah Judaism as being "empty".

Well Ivanka, I will be keeping an eye out for you to see how things go. I do not, by default, think that you will fail. I also don't think any less of the situation since it is fueled by marriage. Many successful gerim and baalei teshuva found their path because they fell in love. In fact, they probably have a slightly better chance for success than those of us who did not find Judaism on the premise of falling in love because us singles have to chart through murky waters completely solo. Not to mention the confusion and the distrust that comes your way because you were a happy gentile and now you are opting for the difficult existence of being a Torah-observant Jew. I also hope that the Rabbis, Beis Din and community you align yourself with will also keep in mind that they have a considerable test in front of them. If you lower the bar for Miss Trump to convert, what does that reveal? If you more readily accept her into your fold and her future children into your yeshiva while other, G-d fearing gerim struggle for years to be considered equals, what does that say? If there is no talk of revoking her conversion if she gets caught out in public wearing pants or if her husband does not keep Shabbos, how will this make the rest of halachaic gerim feel? So please, all of you, do not compromise Judaism for the sake of image; it's really the last thing we need right now!

"In Da Club"

Well I tried to pull some lyrics from the 50 Cent song; but they were so horrendous (I mean they really, really are!) I trashed the idea. I decided to still keep the title though :-).

There has been some back and forth on some e-mail lists this week regarding "Modern Orthodox hypocrisy" (my term, not theirs) and going out to "bars and clubs" and another situation where a woman is 5 months pregnant with the child of her "Modern Orthodox" boyfriend and is not interested in becoming Modern Orthodox herself. The common strain between these situations is that Modern Orthodox is being equated with being something less than a frum (by frum, I mean shomer mitzvot) Jew.

This bothers me so much (ok, so this is a bit of an understatement). Don't get me wrong, I have been outside of Modern Orthodox...in both directions. Some of the first Orthodox Jews who mentored me were Yeshivish-type Jews. These individuals made me fall in love with Yiddishkeit and gave me the courage to come to terms with my relationship with Hashem. It was in that environment, in that very intense atmosphere of devotion to frumkeit, where I truly internalized the life and manner of a Torah-observant Jew. I aligned myself without reserve for a year or so to this community. I did not make the switch to Modern Orthodox because of observance issues; but rather socially, I had to admit that as a 26 year old single Black female, my place in the Yeshivish community would be limited.

However, when I came over to Modern Orthodoxy, I was pleasantly surprised that it really fit me like a glove. There was more diversity (not only ethnic diversity, but social and economic diversity as well). I once heard from someone outside of the MO spectrum, that being Modern Orthodox is a quandary; and I would not disagree with that. However I do not think it is a negative trait. The relationship that we have with Hashem is subject to the myriad of approaches and difficulties that relationships with other human beings pose. Spirituality is not a one-size-fits-all deal.

Back to the opening issues, I guess, in being a non-Jew, I lack the level of sensitivity of being weary of non-Jewish forces; and perhaps I also acknowledge that interaction between religious Jews and their alien surroundings is a good thing -- in spite of what tragic consequences may result (such as the pregnancy). I feel that the non-Jewish world presents a lot of beauty, talent, and culture. There is nothing there that I care to take personal ownership of, but I enjoy the exposure.

So here you have "certain individuals" who are absolutely abusing and destroying the term Modern Orthodox in order to justify their bad behavior. If you are lacking in your yiras h'shamayim, then fine. But don't reach for Modern Orthodoxy to justify this. On the flip side, don't equate the things that Modern Orthodox Jews may do with having a lack of yiras h'shamayim. So here's each issue individually.

In regards to bars & clubs: anyone who has gone out on the town more than a few times realizes that not all bars and clubs are created equal. You have neighborhood dives, posh VIP clubs, indie rock bars, sports bars, jazz clubs, etc., etc. I admit, in most bars and clubs, I do not feel totally comfortable; particularly if I go all by myself. However I do not hesitate if invited by friends (who are religious or respectful of the fact I am religious) or if there is a particular band or musician I wish to see perform. Also although there is a TV where I am staying now, for years I didn't have one; and I have to practically put in a written request to actually watch the one where I am now, so sports bars don't bother me. It is a bit of an annoyance to put yourself out there as a woman and made subject to random prepositions. But I am a pro when it comes to waving those off.

(Now that Facebook is on the scene, people can stalk you and draw all sort of inaccurate conclusions about you based on some very one-dimensional information. A picture may be worth a thousand words, but there is nothing to say that those words are true. I could post a picture with myself and my uncle with his arm around me {my uncle looks 100% South Asian...although he is actually 75%} and it would ignite a firestorm in people's minds. This demonstrates that there is this "test" of Jewishness that involves primarily superficial things...such as the background of where you took a picture; somewhere, once-upon-a-time.)

In regards to the pre-maritial sex/sex with a non-Jew thing: let's keep it real here. Any committed Jew would not even "go there". I am not even a Jew, yet I am committed to a Torah observant lifestyle that has no room for intimate couplings done "just for fun". And if it's done outside of marriage...then I am sorry, but it is "just for fun". If you are so much in love, then go an get married. And since Orthodox Judaism has no way of recognizing marriage between a Jew and a non-Jew, then leave the fold and be married in secular terms (simultaneously owning the fact that you no longer proscribe to a life directed by Torah). In fact, there are plenty of non-religious and certainly non-Jewish people who are saving themselves for marriage. It may be frustrating; but so are paying taxes. But the true tragedy of this situation is not so much a Jew fathering a child with a non-Jew (he's not the first...definitely will not be the last), but rather he is maintaining that he is a Modern Orthodox Jew and desires his girlfriend to join him in this sham.

Orthodox Judaism, in any "flavor" is not about making it out to be whatever your little heart desires. It is a comprehensive approach to how a Jew should relate to Hashem; and then function on this earth as a member of the covenant Am Yisrael has with Hashem. The culture, chumrot, and social patterns are just bonuses. This desire to redefine what Orthodox Judaism is brings about the danger of real Orthodox Jews being ousted; and fake Orthodox Jews taking the spotlight. My fear is that we will replicate what the non-Orthodox Jewish movements have done, and totally lose sight what Judaism is all together.

Fair Changes

Over yontif, I had some good, frank conversations with Mrs. G.; in fact, I probably divulged things that I hadn't told another living soul -- at least not in person. I am glad that I got them out of my system, and I am glad that I have someone who won't judge me because of these things; thank G-d.

One of the things I spoke about is my family; which is all over the map religiously. My maternal grandparents are Pentecostal Xtians from the C.O.G.I.C. denomination. I am not intimately familiar with their doctrines; but they lie on the more conservative end of American Black churches. Both of my maternal grandparents' mothers were key members of their congregations (with my Grandfather's mother being one of the founders of the C.O.G.I.C. congregation in Clairton). Despite this, my mother (their daughter) is not religious at all. My father can loosely be described as a Rastafarian; although he's not too serious about it. If there could be a "Reform Jew" equivalent in Rastafarianism, he would be in that camp for sure. His mother was effectively nothing; although her parents were cultural Hindus. His father was killed when my father was pretty young, so I don't know if it matters, but he was Anglican. My father's two sisters went to Catholic schools and stuck with it, so they are Catholic. My father's middle daughter's mother was a convert to the Nation of Islam. When my sister was younger, she wore burkas. But after she split from the husband she was with, she "went off the derech". The only legacies today from that are that she knows Arabic and my sister has an Arabic name. Despite not practicing though, my sister is not Xtian, so I guess she's Muslim then. I have a set of cousins who are Baptists, another set that are Seventh Day Adventists, and yet another set that are J-Witnesses.

Although it seems crazy, it's really not. The vast majority of my family is not extra hard core devout about their faiths...and even so, they are very used to having these multiple faiths co-exist happily. My entire family is not aware of my decision to become a Jew; but from their standpoint, they could care very little. My auntie Daisy in Jamaica is so used to dealing with those of us who don't eat pork, who eat no meat, it's second nature that when we come to Jamaica she'll ask, "What's can't you have?". I've gone with some cousins to go to Diwali parties. My father, who doesn't decorate for X-mas wanted to put menorahs in the house. My sister used to call our father "Abu"...the Arabic word for father. My Grandmother does not pray for the salvation of my soul, because she knows that although I am not going to church, I'm still G-d fearing.

Yet although I am happy with this relationship between my family and myself, I do worry about how this relationship can be understood by others in the frum community. I actually know of a giyores who is in her early 60s, and has been Jewish for about 10 years. By the time she discovered Judaism, her children were already adults. Since then, they have had children and she does not see them as her "family" because a ger is a new person upon leaving the mikveh and is no longer "related" to their previous family. She subsequently has no relationship with her grandchildren. I am not judging this woman; I just would not be able to make my head work that way. She could be right; and I could be wrong. Who really knows?

For the vast majority of my life, my family has had limited close involvement in my life. The result has been this sort of freedom from any pre-set mold of what I should be. I myself have very few hangups regarding my previous faith or lifestyle. And I surely don't have any "bad blood" built up between me and my family.

I am a bit closer to my mother's daughters than my father's. The two of them are 13 and 19 respectively...and they are really amazing girls. The older one is very laid back and fashion-savvy. She was the cool, popular cheerleader in high school and likes to do hair and hang out with her boyfriend. I can tell her anything. She even came to a seder with me once (well she was 15 at the time; she declared that matzah tasted like crumbly, crunchy cardboard - she we let her put margarine on it). The younger one is a bit of an odd-ball (like me) and is more of an emotional firecracker. But she's one funny cookie, and I love toting her around with me whenever I go somewhere.

Now it's no secret I don't sport the "Boro Park" frum look. I'll put on a long denim skirt and a Steeler sweatshirt and not even blink about it. My sisters on the other hand wear either high heels, printed socks, tank tops, off-the shoulder tops...whatever. I am not embarrassed to be seen with them, just like they aren't embarrassed by the clothes I wear. So I have no desire to ask them to change; even if it comes to a point where I have them over for Shabbos; or have them in my wedding (IY"H), or even around my children (IY"H).

Beyond Teshuva had an interesting post regarding the exposure of frum children [of BTs] to their secular cousins. Now these are BTs; people who were not religious themselves at some point. The vast majority were vehemently against the interaction/exposure. Now; chunich is a very, very important thing in Torah observant Judaism. But what was disturbing was the underlying recurring theme that frum Jewish children and teenagers need to be "protected" from their family members...just because they are not frum. Some may argue that I am an adult, therefore I am less susceptible to these negative influences that could lead me astray. However, when I was a child, I was exposed to all sorts of things that I did not take to heart. I attribute that to my Grandmother; who instilled in me to importance of being a decent woman and holding a reverence and love for the Creator. To contrast, I was strongly attracted to Judaism several years before I met any Jews.

So I worry that my tolerance for my family may be seen as something that it is not; dabbling with non-Jewish doctrines and trying to "hang on" to a former lifestyle. Of course, I fully respect halacha and the sensitive issue of tznius and kedusha (separation) and why it is necessary. But they (my family) are not Torah observant Jews, and I'm not going to pretend that they are. That does not minimize the love I still have for them. It is one thing to request that their tops have sleeves and full backs; then to be there and be flabbergasted that they are wearing skirts about their knees with no stockings, and honey-colored hair weaves. I chose to convert; not them. They should not be compromised for that choice, and they should be able to celebrate with me or even just be able to spend time with me...just they way they are.

Mutabaruka on "Religious Hard Talk"

This segment was pretty interesting (there's a lot of parts). It was supposed to be a discussion, but really it was a dialogue with Mutabaruka going on and on. However, he raises some good points against Christianity. But the opening sheds greater light on just how misguided Rastafarians can be when he declares that he does not believe in the supernatural. In another segment, he discussed how he never smoked marijuana and also how it is the culture, and not the doctrine of Rastafarianism which perpetuates them. This is interesting, in that I do not think Christians feel this way. He also discusses (in another segment) how the food you eat, and also the material of the clothes you wear can limit you spiritually. But somehow you do not need G-d? Hmmmmm....



Both men do a pretty good job at exposing the fallacies of both faiths. I wish American TV had shows like this!

Hello Again Tishrei, We Meet Again

Yom Kippur is one of those holidays that all Jews seem to be acutely aware of, even if they do not observe it. For years, I took special note of Yom Kippur -- seeing it as a time to look at your spiritual reflection. And it has always been a holiday that I looked forward to. A time when I could devote an entire day to nothing but a "heart-to-heart" with my Creator.

Somehow that feeling has changed; and I am a bit more fearful of Yom Kippur this time around. Last year, Yom Kippur was on September 21-22. I do not remember the details of all of last Tishrei, but I am sure I davened with a heart full of repentence, hope, gratitude and humility. At least I tried to. But then, about a month later, I had my car accident; and it just turned my life completely upside down.

Who can say (no one?) that my car accident was or was not a product of my tefillos last Tishrei? One thing that was decreed, which I am ever so thankful for, is that I was allotted at least one more year of life. On top of that, things could have been so much worse than what they turned out to be. But now Tishrei is here again, and not only am I davening for life and brachas, and all that sort of stuff; but I am also davening to be spared from Hashem sending any more drastic "signs" my way. I mean I do not even know if my accident was a "sign" or anything like that. And I do not ask "Why me?", but rather "What was wrong?". My "old life" was effectively taken away from me so quickly. It seemed to be working out ok for me...for my neshama. I had finally made friends in the Jewish community and I seemed to be progressing towards conversion very soon. But somehow it was not meant to be.

Of course, feelings change over time. I remember that while I was in the hospital, I was in an unnaturally good mood given my condition. Despite having no family or friends around to come visit on a regular basis, I did not feel alone because I was acutely aware that G-d was always with me. In addition to that, many of my stresses were relieved -- thanks to a decent job, and a bit of insurance money, and the opportunity to go back to school. But as the months passed by, I lost some of my resolve, and it started to sink in that my body is now "damaged goods" so to speak. I lost touch with many people in FL; I stopped seeing much physical improvement and hearing encouragement from the doctor; my overall health and appearance has suffered. After saying Modeh Ani, I walk as if my bones are frozen. I am not in constant pain, B"H, but I am almost always uncomfortable to some degree.

So hopefully Hashem will forgive me, but I can't help but to wonder what I could have done; where I could have made a mistake, for this to happen. By saying this, I am not freely admitting that I do not fully appreciate having my life spared. They say you never miss the water until the well runs dry; and my well of Yiddishkeit has really run low. I miss seeing the streets of NMB fill up with Jews on a Friday night. I miss calling up my friends to get an update on the shiurim for the week. I miss my Sunday morning tehillim group. I even miss Rabbi R.'s praises for the Bush administration's support of Israel.

My life is currently a bittersweet tonic; in that what I have found in PA is more resolve and more welcoming people in the Jewish community here. On the other hand, I am slightly horrified at how much I have forgotten by not doing a full 9 months of anything. For example, I packed my comb in my overnight bag for Yontif and then used it to take out my french braid from the 1st day of Yontif and fix my hair a different way. Only when I got home and started to unpack my bag did I look at the comb and think, "Hmmm now this is something I don't pack for Shabbos....so is combing prohibited on Yontif?". It did not take to long to confirm that it was. I am disappointed that I did not remember that, but even more frustrated that I have many seforim that I brought that I could study -- except that they are still in FL with just about everything else in my apartment. So G-d, understand that I am trying; but I have most definitely been set back. I just hope I have the resolve to move forward again. However there is also the fear that all the resolve in the world can't produce what is not meant to be. So maybe I should just daven for some good old-fashioned help. Nevertheless, I am hoping that Hashem will make things just a little bit easier for me this year; I'm hoping....

It getting chilly; but I brought a few cheap layering tops to wear under some of the many JCPenny's tops my sister tossed my way. It's sort of a new look for me because I never layered clothing while living in Miami. You can be tznius without producing sweat stains all over your clothes! The weather is still a surprise though, and at this rate, I'll have to dig out my leather coat for Sukkos. But I'm looking forward to it; if I can get past Yom Kippur -- I will be looking forward to the rest of the year, which IY"H, will be a good one.

Some things never really get easier

This afternoon I called our new Rabbi for my first shailah. Every Rabbi is different both in how he likes you to phrase the question and also how they answer. Some will wait patiently while you ramble and ramble (and ramble); and then glean out the important parts for you. Others will actively interrupt you to get the important details as you go along. I actually like the second approach better, because sometimes their patience silence makes me think I am leaving out something they need to know.

Anyway, my problem was that I was invited to a meal for the second day of Rosh Hashana by a woman who had just met me. Now her husband was generally familiar with me...and at some point I relayed my situation (because she probably asked). But I do not know if it was before or after the invitation. Although I knew of the problem then; I accepted the invitation because 1) I did not want to get in a halachaic discussion then and there -- especially since I didn't have a solution anyway and 2) I knew there was a way I could work around it, and she may not even know there was an issue.

So I asked the Rabbi what should I/could I do to prevent this woman from committing an aveirah. After taking some time to look into it, he suggested that I come before yontif to "take ownership" of the food I will be consuming; then if she cooks the food on yontif, "assist" in the cooking of "my food". Got it.

So after class, my phone rings...and it's a mysterious "private call". I came close to not even answering it...but I have a lot going on with business stuff for the sorority and are sorts of people are calling me right now from universities, so I decided to answer. It was my host for yontif! Great...now I can explain to her about what I need to do. This was far more difficult than posing the question to the Rabbi in the first place; however it sort of caught me off guard.

After talking a bit about directions and small talk, I brought up what I needed to do. She patiently listened to what I described...but did not really get the jist of what I was saying. I mean her reaction was kind of quaint; but it still put me into an awkward position. The following (paraphrased) ensued:

She: "But I thought you said you had a Reform conversion in FL?"
Me: "Oh I did"
She: "And it's documented?"
Me: "Yep"
She: "Then you are Jewish. Why do you need to do all of this?"
Me: "Well Reform conversions are not up to the standard that the Orthodox feel are acceptable...and I am fine with that, it is ok. So the Rabbi suggested that this is what I do."
She: "Well maybe he misunderstood you. Does he know about your Reform conversion?"
Me: "Uhhh.....mmmmmm...."
She: "Well if he knew, I'm sure everything would be fine..."
Me: "......"
She: "I mean Mr. ___ and his wife is going to be there. She is a gentile. She always eats at my house."
Me: {Oh boy}
Me: "No it's just the yom tovim that pose a problem..."
She: "Well I want you to be comfortable; so that's fine. I am totally kosher; my husband makes sure to that. And we all have our different customs. So please, you are welcome to come over any times and say your prayers that you need to say."
Me:?
Me: "Ok. Please, I am so thankful that you invited me; it is just a small thing...and in no way am I implying that I am not ok with joining you for a meal."
She: "Ok good. I still think it was pretty bold for the Rabbi to call you and tell you to do this."
Me: {uh-oh}
Me: "Oh no, no! I called him. I know about these issues, believe me."
She: "Oh ok. Well you shouldn't feel so bad. I mean G-d made all of us and loves all of us. I want you to be totally comfortable in my home..."

(and it when on for some more, but that was the recurring theme of our conversation basically)

This situation actually pains me; not because I have to set myself apart (I can deal with that)...but because I manage to both make people who are trying to be genuinely nice uncomfortable, and I am also spotlighting their unfamiliarity with halacha. Not that Jews should be intimately familiar with this halachot anyway; but it is very hard to convey that. Nonetheless I do it; because I am not going to be responsible for a Jew committing an aveirah (if I can possibly help it). Especially when the HKBH knows I know better.

But then again I would rather deal with this, than with a community filled with uber-shtark yidden who are afraid to get too friendly with "ex-whatevers". I am also very thankful for a Rabbi who is careful, mindful and patient -- which are always good signs.

Adventures in Kashrus - I

Dut-da-da-duh! Lookie what we have here:

Jamaican jerk sauce with a hechshure (parve). It came today (yes, I have sunk to ordering groceries online!). It doesn't really "move" like jerk sauce (instead it sort of reminds me of cheap maple syrup). But the ingredients look promising; and it's stamped as being "spicy & sweet". So they are on the right track there.

Authentic Jamaican jerk is almost impossible to pull off here in a standard kitchen. For one, it is barbecued in a hollowed out steel drum with wood that is sprinkled with pimento seeds. The meat is then peppered and basted while being grilled. It is pretty dry and crispy when it comes off of the grill. But the finisher is that the meat is moistened again by being topped off with Grace's ketchup -- which is a totally different beast than the "American" ketchups like Heinz or Hunts. It's orangy-red in color and thinner in consistency -- sort of like thick, old hot sauce I guess. But I have never seen Grace's ketchup here (even in Miami) and it's probably not kosher anyway. In spite of it being several years since eating authentic jerk, I will never forget what it is supposed to taste like...

So we'll see how good these folks do with trying to put that taste in a bottle. :-)

Smiras H'Lashon (an acknowledgement)

Sometime (all the time?) when I fire up my laptop to either blog, post to forums, or send messages on a list-serve, I am venting. Or on a soapbox, or however it should be referred to. In spite of this, I am not a natural complainer. I am, however, a bit of an alarmist (ok, I think I just made that word up) and see things all the time that concern me. Things like false information, humanistic apathy, blatant ignorance, and cruel intentions are things that I tend to "call out" -- not because I want to make anyone feel bad, or, G-d forbid, paint anyone in a bad light -- but rather because I feel that silence is a way of condoning such behavior.

I realize that this can be the wrong approach; and you learn how to pick your battles.

Since it is Elul, I am trying to make an effort to make some sort of cheshbon h'nefesh -- no matter how discouraging it may be. I saw this on Chesed Club (which is a great, South Florida-based website) a few days ago; and it is certainly worth spreading around...

TEN RULES OF SHMIRAS HALOSHON

Loshon Hora means the making of a derogatory or damaging remark to someone. The Torah forbids one to denigrate the behavior or character of a person or to make any remark that might cause physical, psychological or financial harm.

HERE ARE TEN BASIC RULES TO REMEMBER:

1. It is LOSHON HORA to convey a derogatory image of someone even if that is tre and deserved. (False derogatory statements are called MOITZI-SHEM-RA)
2. A statement which is not actually derogatory but can ultimately cause someone physical, financial, or emotional harm is also LOSHON HORA.
3. It is LOSHON HORA to humorously recount an incident that contains embarrassing or damaging information about a person even if there is not the slightest intent that they should suffer any harm or humiliation.
4. LOSHON HORA is forbidden even when you incriminate yourself as well.
5. LOSHON HORA cannot be communicated in any way, shape, or form (i.e; through writing, body language, verbal hints, etc.).
6. To speak against a community as a whole is a particularly severe offense. Harmful remarks about children are also LOSHON HORA.
7. LOSHON HORA cannot be relayed even to close relatives; including one's spouse.
8. Even if the listener has previously heard the derogatory account or the information has become public knowledge and the subject will suffer no further harm by its repetition, it nevertheless should not be repeated.
9. R’CHILUS, which is telling one person derogatory statements that another person said about them, is forbidden because it causes animosity between people.
10. It is forbidden to listen to LOSHON HORA or R’CHILUS. If someone inadvertently hears LOSHON HORA, it is forbidden to believe that it is true. One should give the person the benefit of the dougt. Assume the information is inaccurate or that the person does not realize they are doing something wrong.

NOTE: There are Ttimes when LOSHON HORA is permitted or even required, i.e; when warning a person about potential har, for example, a potential business or marriage partner. The questions of when you are allowed or even required to speak LOSHON HORA are complicated. A RABBINIC AUTHORITY WITH EXPERTISE IN THE FIELD OF SHMIRAS HALOSHON SHOULD BE CONSULTED IN ANY OF THESE CASES.

In an effort to personally come to a sort of reckoning in regards to this issue; I apologize to any person, or any community of whom I spoke bad about. Furthermore, I truly hope that any communications produced on my behalf have or will not cause feelings of hurt or ill will towards the Orthodox Jewish community. That would just kill me inside, and completely work against what I am personally striving towards. That goal is to accurately highlight Torah observant Judaism from my perspective. And that perspective is a positive one; for if it were not, I would not be sticking with it.

Well I had a weekly goal to try to go to sleep before midnight one night during the week; and tonight may just be that time. Laila tov :-)

jTunes

Well I am sort of surprised that I am bringing myself to blog about this topic; because I feel that there are some things about my persona that should be considered "off-limits" in respect to my desire to become a Jew. But then again that notion hearkens back to my Reform Judaism days...where you could pick and choose how you wish to apply Judaism. New rules apply now!

So the topic is music. I usually read something regarding Jewish music, get a little irritated, then move on. But that cycle has occurred way too often lately; like at least once per day. There is this article about the rapper Y-Love who is a real treasure to Am Yisrael (and I'm not talking only about his music). Then there is this lovely piece of work; which echos much of the same nonsense that follows:



Come on now...really???

But this is not just about me scoffing at such antics. Because, #1, I can fully appreciate the effect that music has over people. From being at hardcore shows where standing near the stage puts you at risk for a broken nose; to seeing women lose all of their dignity (and then some) during dancehall reggae parties. Music is powerful; and powerful things need to come with a warning label. And #2, I do respect (yes I do) the wisdom and foresight of those who are scholars and lovers of Torah; then they take that wisdom and guide Jews on how they should observe the Torah in today's world. Nevertheless, the aforementioned just does not sit well with me.

My music collection has a long way to go Jewish-wise. Even then, I enjoy ethnic Israeli (Sephardi?) music a tad more than the Miami Boys Choir or Avraham Fried. I like Matisyahu, Y-Love, and Blue Fringe more than all of them however. But that is not what I listen to everyday. I am usually listening to a Trojan Records album; or any random soul singer; maybe some old school R&B from the 70s, 80s or 90s. I also like new indie acts; like Metric, the White Stripes and Santogold.

So hmmm.....does is this place me at odds with the desire to become a Torah observant Jew?

I think it is a valid question; and I look at just one genre and how my spirituality has altered what I listen to and how I listen to it; and that genre is reggae. Reggae is actually pretty diverse; and there is a lot of it that is not fueled by Rastafarian dogma. In fact that is one reason why I do not listen to a lot of Bob Marley's music anymore. I mean Redemption Song and Exodus even Three Little Birds will always be classics in my book. But Rastaman Chant and Kaya...I think I will pass. But even "Rastafarian" music has themes that copy over to Judaism no problem; like Rivers of Babylon by the Melodians...which is an absolutely beautiful song and appears on Trojan's Rastafari Box Set (sung there by the Ronnie Davis however)...

By the rivers of Babylon
Where we sat down
There we wept
When we remembered Zion...

For the wicked
Carried us away...captivity
Requiring from us a song
How can we sing a song of joy in a
strange land?

So let the
Words of our mouths
and the meditations of our hearts
be acceptable in Thy sight
here tonight

Now this just one of...oh...maybe hundreds of reggae songs that are out there (yep, it is hundreds because Jamaica produces more recordings per capita than any other country) that meet these standards. But let me step out on another limb...and rant a bit about music that can't serve as psuedo-kosher music.

Like Al Green; I think that Al Green has somehow miraculously taken his soul and transformed a bit of it into sound waves. Somehow, I feel that he would, without a doubt, be thrown over into the "treif" music pile. So why is it I don't feel bad while listening to him? Sure, he sings about love, and feeling sad, and all sorts of other things that I can sympathize with. I have enough sense to realize (and I must say this...because some people don't) that Al Green is not singing about or to me. Which sort of brings up the notion of "kol isha"; which is the prohibition where Jewish men should not hear a woman who is not related to them sing. Actually, I do not have any issue with this...because the anti-feminist in me believes that most male minds work differently than most female minds do. And just like shomer negia (which applies to both sexes), it serves as a tangible reminder that being a Torah observant Jew means adhearing to a higher level of kedusha. With that being said, I respect and understand kol isha; but I am not going to think a Jewish man is a rusha because he listens to Barbara Streisand. Back to Al Green though...he is not a Jew (not that I know of) so there is no true shame that he does not conduct himself in accordance to the teachings of the Torah. He is talented; and I am very thankful that he is able to share his talents with the world.

And as far as those who feel Al Green and the like are sinful, shameful, and the pinnacle of complete talentless debauchary? Hmmm. Well I believe that your taste in music is similar to your taste in food. It may modify itself over time; but large and by far, you sort of grow into it. I mean some gerim and baalei teshuva may really dig Lipa Schmeltzer and The Chevra; and that's cool. I personally think they are pretty talented; but I don't they don't fit me like an old pair of bedroom slippers do. Which is why I am much happier with Matisyahu and Y-Love. But more than that, music is just sound and lyrics are just words and whatever does not sit right with me, I can't (and won't) sit there and be subjected to. That is why I don't listen to reggae that sings about puffing on gangja spliffs; or pop songs that are invitations to give anatomy lessons; or rap music that is about...u-hem...."lollipops"; or punk music that is about assasinating the president; or any type of music that encourages you to do some hokey dance (which would be The Macarena, or The Electric Slide or The Tootsie Roll or The Hokey Pokey...or any other of the plethora of songs, which, if they were never recorded, would have left the world a little better place).

My desire is for my yiras h'shmayim to be stronger than anything; including any bad influences from music. But then again, I am of the Jewish camp which does not equate things that are a product of goyim = bad. I fully admit, I still listen to some music that would really scare a lot of Jewish people. The list (slowly) gets smaller as time goes on; or maybe it's because I'm getting older as well. But it is sad to see Torah observant Judaism being used as justification to promote insularity and predjudice attitudes. Somehow, this just does not seem to do anything to combat the assimilation problem.

Hopefully, this will be my only post about this issue. I hope Moshiach will come soon and we can enjoy music of pure simcha to celebrate the rebuilding of the Beis HaMikdash.