Traveling While Almost Jewish

Ok, I'm a little late on this because I have been extremely busy my first week back to FL. I want to give publicize the fact that Pittsburgh's Jewish community in Squirrel Hill; specifically the Shaare Torah Congregation, was a stellar community in which to spend Pesach. It was an experience that was very valuable to my neshama.

Nevertheless, I will probably decline to ever go away for yontif (at least as a single woman in an "open" {a kosher cruise/resort/hotel may be ok} environment) again. You see, for Chol Homoed, I stayed with my family. It was stressful, I had to do a lot of explaining, and for lack of a better way of putting it, I lost my "groove" for the chag. Much of the confusion stems from the fact that while my desire to become Jewish is not a new thing for my family, previously, it did not interfere to much with my home life. You go to church, I go to synagogue. I celebrate Hanukkah while you do X-mas (I would just wrap my gifts in the blue & white Hanukkah paper and give them earlier/later). But now it's a whole new ball game. Last time I went to Pennsylvania was about 17 months ago. A lot has transpired in that time.

May I list "pros" and "cons" that I felt or perceived?

Pros:

1) My Grandparents liked the tznius clothes. Especially my Grandmother, who said "I was taking pride in my appearance (I guess she thought I wasn't do so before???)."

2) I declined my Grandfather's fried delicaces; staving off about 5-10 lbs of weight gain in the process.

3) My demeaner is calmer and my language has improved. Ah, and to think of my college days when my Grandmother would say, "What did you just say?" and I would repeat the phrase sans the mild curse word I had said previously.

4) I hold a lot more respect for my Grandmother's relgiousness and my Grandfather's wisdom/kindness than I did previously.

5) My sisters. They are the only family members who didn't question or raise eyebrows and anything I was doing or any explainations that I made about Judaism. Psstt...Adults, take a hint!. A high-five goes to both of them, ages 10 and 17.

Cons:

1) The food issue. Very, very difficult. I had always been a picky eater, but after 25 years, my Grandmother knows my favorites. But I insisted she didn't make them. She did anyway. And it's hurtful for both her and I in the end.

2) "You're going to Pittsburgh again?" I tried to soften the blow by saying I was staying with friends for the Passover services - that it would just be easier. But they sure didn't like the fact that I didn't answer my cellphone, or swing back over to my hometown when services were over.

3) Expense. No matter how I looked at it, there was going to be a lot of money wasted. Of the 11 days I had the rental car, 5 of them I wasn't able to drive. IF my family had a bigger handle on the situation, then maybe someone could have dropped off/picked up/dropped off to save $$$ for me. But it's hard enough explaining yontif to Jews; much less non-Jews who have also never been around Orthodox Jews ever.

4) Family life-cycle events. During my stay, there was a funeral for a cousin. While I realized I could not go to the church service, I decided to go to the burial. Too bad most people decided to do the reverse and my Mother told me (although she also admitted the church service was long and boring and her thighs hurt from sitting on the pews for so long!). I got some looks; but as also started squirming when they recited "The L-rd's Prayer" (although the words in that prayer are not heretical - it still brought back "the old days"). I wondered if I would ever again be able to attend the life-cycle events in my family again comfortably?

5) Old friends. I ran into a few. They sort of scratched their heads at my long sleeves and skirts. I mean I had moved to Florida, bikini-land, and this is all I owned?

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After the trip I was exhausted and felt a bit forlorn. I couldn't wait to get back to Miami where I could go back to my kosher Thai & sushi, my shirium, and my own house where I know the cooked food is ok to eat. On the other hand, I do miss my family; but I see so much more clearly now that we function in two different realms.

It was during this trip that I realized that Hakadosh Baruch Hu makes everything happen in it's own time. 2 years ago, I would not be ready to "let go"; 1 year ago, I would not have the fortitude to stick to my guns about kashrus. Most of all, I wouldn't have been able to come home as a Jew. To have left there with only revereance to G-d, but with no observance, and to pop in on the scene as "The Cannot Do Girl" would have been too much.

But my story does not have a sitcom ending. My family does not totally understand and only mildly support my endeavors. At least now I have a better idea of what I have to work with; and they can see that my becoming a Jew is not totally "all bad".

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There was another sore spot which I did not mention and warrants it's own post really. That is their general disapproval of my trip to Israel. To my family, Israel is a land of terrorism, deserts and daranged bloodthirsty Arabs. The exeption is my father, my auntie, and my G-dmother.

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Totally unrelated, I haven't had the chance to read any seforim by the Chofetz Chaim, but I really want to work on lashon hara. Really. I want to desist from casually offering criticism of any member or portion of Klal Yisrael. I can be cynical, so this undertaking will be a constant 'work-in-progress'.

Sonnet for the Disillusioned

They tell you early on, "You are what you are"
Dream your dreams; as long as it conforms to "The American Dream".
Can I be an Olympic gymnast? Travel wide and far?
"Sure you can!" is the constant reply. But are things really as easy as they seem?

You see, they wrote up there "One size fits all"
When they should have said "One size fits most",
To be a doctor, a lawyer, an astronaut is not everyone's call...
Yet when a son finds true happiness as a gardener, his parents see little reason to boast.

Why is this? Every parent wants their child to be happy, right?
But many parents also want their children to do what they could not.
Parents are wise, their guidance should not be seen as a hinderance or slight.
But parents are human too; culpable of passing on the same erroneous ideals they were taught.

What is "your calling", What do you want to do?
Can you find the key to your happiness? Do you even want a clue?

Every young child wishes to grow up and fall in love one day,
Love. That emotion that is taught to us in the movies we see, and the music we hear...
From early on, we know what "Lover's Eyes" look like, we know what lovers say,
We know that when you're in love, you can make it through anything - as long as your beloved is near...

Lost in the mix were the abuse statistics, divorce rate, and cases of doubtful paternity.
They never showed or sang about when the honeymoon ends, and the lovemaking gets old.
The pictures from the $12,000 wedding gave no clue to the vows' uncertainity.
True love is responsiblity and commitment - notions that leave media executives cold.

Oh look! Big Sis found a rich Richard Gere look-alike and everyone is thrilled!
Nevermind the fact that he drinks Jack Daniels like it's going out of style.
Drunk and feeling up her friends, Big Sis find her spirit and self esteem being killed.
But it's better than being alone and not 'in-love' even for a little while.

What is "your calling", What do you want to do?
Can you find the key to your happiness? Do you even want a clue?

Do you long for a different life? Are you begging for a break?
Do you believe in G-d? Do you think he cares?
Armani suit, Prada heels, are your nails/hair/breasts real or fake?
Is it fun being a 'head turner'? Do you ever get tired of trying to decipher the stares?

Were you created solely for carrying platinum cards and driving a Lexus?
I'm sure you have fun; I'm sure you lood good; I'm sure you are a good citizen.
But do you realize your dinner equals the daily pay of the waiter bringing it to us?
Or would you rather not be reminded about the gross poverty present in the world we live in?

No, you are right. I'll start giving to charity and the local bums.
Wait, my job? Does it help people? Not really, but it makes me money!
Do you have any idea that a true sense of purpose surpasses bank deposits of all possible sums?
But when you hear that Gail took off two years from her law practice to work in the Peace Corps, you look at her mighty funny?

What is "your calling", What do you want to do?
Can you find the key to your happiness? Do you even want a clue?

White Lies, cont'd (My 1st Spinoff Post!)

As a continuation from my book review post I posted a Livejournal poll in a popular Black community journal and asked them about anti-semitism. I was surprised. Not so much by the poll results (which sort of reinforced my hypothesis that only a minority of Black Americans view Jews as "the enemy"; although I was shocked that 47% of the respondants said that they wouldn't mind Jews being added to the Affirmative Action pool!), but by the comments supplied. In a nutshell, the prevailing line of thought was not "anti-Jewish" but "anti-White" with Jews just lumped along together with White people.

I can only laugh a hopeless laugh here; I understand...but then again I don't!

Jewish Fridays - (exerpts from "Missundaztood" performed by my girl P!nk)

I might be the way, everybody likes to say
(I know watcha thinking about me)
There might be a day, you might have a certain way
(But you don't have my luxuries)
And it's me I know, I know my name - 'cause I say it proud
Everything I want I always do...
Lookin' for the right track, always on the wrong track
(But are you catchin' all these tracks - that I'm layin' down for you)

There's a song I was listening to- Up all night
There's a voice I'm hearing - Saying it's alright
When I'm happy, I am sad - But everything's good
It's not that complicated, I'm just misunderstood

There might be a day, everything it goes my way
(Can't you think I know I'm superfly?)
I might see a world, in a world inside of you
Then I might just say goodbye.
And it's my name I knowI say it loud 'cause I'm really proud
Of all the things I used to do...
Well it's the wrong track - looking for the right track
(And are you catchin' all these tracks that I'm layin' down for you?)

Book Review ~ White Lies

Since my college days, I must admit (regrettably), that I have let my readings on Black culture go by the wayside. Besides, I have more pressing concerns; like working on becoming a Jew. So while in Borders I was just checking out the "African-American" book section, totally not expecting to purchase an item from those shelfs. I don't remember what prompted me to pick up a book with such an incriminating title to begin with, but when I flipped the book over and read:

Maurice Berger grew up hypersensitized to race in the charged environment of New York City in the sixties. His father was a Jewish liberal who worshipped Martin Luther King, Jr., his mother a dark-skinned Sephardic Jew who hated black people. Berger himself was one of the few white kids in his Lower East Side housing project...

I saw the price; $13.00. I decided I needed to go home with it.

I account the impulse purchase to just plain curiousity to see what this "mixed" Jewish man had to say about race relations. I totally did not expect such a profound message to be delivered in the guise of a plain-covered book just a bit over 200 pp long. Nor did I expect to laugh out loud, be appalled, find insight, and finally see in black and white a more defined vision of modern, 21st century American racism.

Despite the strong-toned title, White Lies does little finger pointing at the White race and instead focuses on the faulty thinking that many WASPs (and sometimes non-WASPs) hold about Black people. The method is subtle; reassuring to me as a Black reader (that a non-Black, albeit White Jew) that these problems can be isolated by an "other"; potentially disturbing to the White reader who thought that everything is just fine because you just adore Oprah Winfrey...

Key points in the book are put into perspective by Mr. Berger's own life experiences; and he chooses to distribute them throughout the book. However much of the content displays essays, quotes, studies and stories from others as well. Being that Mr. Berger's academic background is in art [as oppossed to Black/African cultural studies], so the text is not bogged down with filler, academia-flavored jargon. Although he recounts of various anti-semitic incidents he himself experienced; he does not really imply that just because someone has experienced anti-semitism, he understands the racism that Black people experience. He seems to be illuminating the fact that despite his keen awareness of anti-semitism, he too fell into the trappings of "White Advantage" (as opposed to "White Supremist") thinking. At first it seems striking that it is his Ashkenazi, light brown-haired, blue-eyed father who acknowledges the injustices suffered by Black people and not his Sephardic, dark-skinned mother - who lauded the murder of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. and peppered her speech with sneering references to schwartzes. Despite the portrayals of Mrs. Berger being utterly repulsed by Black people, I personally could not see her as a villian. She herself was discriminated against in Yiddish theatre (where she worked as an actress before marriage) as well as life in general solely because of her looks. She is reminicent of the grandmother of a family friend of mine; this woman was half Black, half White, but married a White man. One of her sons, who for all intensive purposes looked white, married a Black woman. The family friend is a result of that union; and he and his brother are the only grandchildren that look Black by appearance. He remembers going over to his granparents' home and while his White grandfather was perfectly loving and cordial to them, their grandmother used to call them "dirty nappy-headed niggers" when they would misbehave and make them eat on the porch if their other "White" cousins were also visiting. These women are not villians but victims of a system that has indoctrinated them to feel ashamed of their "tainted blood"; and project that shame and hate onto others who are perpetuating that flawed status by just existing.

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So what makes this book any different from the dozen others I have on similar subject matter? Probably because the context of the racism presented is very common; almost sublime - but very obviously wrong. An excellent example is where he recounts how on the television program Nightline in 1996, there was a segment done on "Race in America". In one situation they took a room of middle-class White people and asked them to place themselves in the following scenario:
The government, and not your family/genes determines what race an individual is. One day, a government agent contacts you and says that they made a mistake; you were really suppossed to be a Black person. However the government is willing to compensate you, if necessary, after making "the switch" and to adjust to your new life. How much would you want to be compensated?
Needless to say, the responses were either not straight, refusal ("I just wouldn't do it") or outlandish (one man said he would need 50 million dollars). Such a suggestion made it clear that these "open-minded" White people saw being Black as a disadvantage; and a big one at that. I think that some of them would have rather amputated a limb.

Another good snippet was the one given by Shirley Verrett, a talented Black soprano singer was brought to Europe to perform an opera piece from the Baroque Era. Trained at The Juillard School, she inherently knew to embellish her singing with notes not written in the score because they were implied for all vocal opera music of that time period. During the rehearsal, the conductor/director interrupted the piece and announced "Ms. Verrett is not singing the music as it is written". He then went and conferred with the other [White] European singers to ask them if they were familiar with the music ever being performed that way. They admitted they didn't know; so Ms. Verrett was allowed "her own interpretation" but the conductor has already shown that he held little fate in her expertise (he never conferred with her directly to ask why she was singing the piece that way) but ultimately saw it as "no big deal". Would this have ever happened to Pavarotti?

After the performance, the critics raved. And one even pointed out that it was the first time in many years that that heard the music sung in the correct manner.

And there are many more very poignant examples of this subtle yet damaging attitude among many White people to not give any undue attention to the problems present in the relationship between Black and White people. Adrian Piper was also highlighted in the book. She is an artist who although she can be taken for a white woman, considers herself Black by virtue of her mixed-race father. She has been in the situation far too many times where snide, off-color comments are said about Black people or other minorities. The guilty parties seem to take for granted that among White people, there is either agreement or tacit tolerance of a "harmless slur" shared among friends. That is until Denise passes "her card" to them. The card reads:

Dear friend, I am black. I am sure that you did not realize this when you made/laughed at/agreed with that racist remark. In the past, I have attempted to alert people to my racial identity in advance. Unfortunately, this invaiably causes them to react to me as pushy, manipulative, or socially inappropriate. Therefore my policy is to assume that white people do not make these remarks, even when they believe that there are no black people present, and to distribute this card when they do. I regret any discomfort my presence is causing you, just as I am sure you regret the discomfort your racism is causing me....

(*Sidenote: I am sure that many Jews can relate to this; although being that Jews are only a fraction of what Black people are population-wise, as well as the fact that Jews are not as assulted nearly as often in the media and print, the problem does not seem to plague Jews as much as it does Black people)

When Ms. Piper talked about her card at a symposium the reaction was [to me] surprising. Many of the White attendees either got quite defensive or criticized Ms. Piper directly; with support, if given, was vague. They called it "humiliating", "deceptive", "embarrassing" and that Ms. Piper "feels jaded" in some way. Their train of thought was almost tangible. They could see themselves getting one of these cards. They don't see verbage exchanged between White people, even if it includes stereotypes against Black people, as something they should be reprimanded for. What about how your words are affecting you? How about the thought that the more slurs you reiterate in "safe settings" the more insincere you are when dealing with Black people face-to-face. Or is that of no concern to you? After all, you are not hanging up a sign over a water fountain reading, "Whites Only". You just quietly assume that you lost out on a job offer not because you were lacking in anything; but because the Black woman who got the job instead was needed to make a quota.

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Jews have had a great track record with civil and social rights in America. Mr. Berger is helping to carry on that tradition, but it seems as if the days of Jews comfortably identifying and supporting Black American's inequity are behind us. They say (and I have no idea who "they" are!) that it is because of Black Anti-Semitism and bridge burning. Perhaps. But I but you that it also has to do with more tolerance of White Jews among non-Jewish White people. Mr. Berger's father is a great case in point. Because mental illness disrupted his professional career significantly, they were poor and lived in the public housing projects. Forget about them being accepted by the White mainstream; they were only marginally accepted by their Jewish peers; constantly appealing for tzedaka and Hebrew school scholarships - they were outcasts. Just like the Native Americans banded with Black people in the 19th century because they were all at the bottom of the totem pole anyway - fighting over the same crumbs. But somewhere along the line (and many intermarriages later), Jews became not so "dirty" and more "interesting" and appreciated for adding to America's diversity. Plus the shtetl walls were being broken and non-Jewish White people saw that Jews didn't have horns and hook noses; but looked quite similar to Italians. Hmmmm...no so bad. Ok, your in the club. Don't go near the VIP room; but you're in.

After waiting so long in the rain and cold - why be concerned with those who were not "worthy enough" to be chosen along with you?

Ultimately, it's a shame; because Jews are in a wonderful position to straddle both worlds. To understand the damage that unfounded assumptions based on race can do. It one thing to have pity on the victims of racism; but another to have clear knowledge that your ancestors also suffered unspeakable inhumanities and crimes committed to them - just because of they way they were born. They wrote about it; struggled to pass this knowledge on so that their descendants can forever know the pain that Jews had to endure. Yet it falls down as a meaningless trinkett if the Jew of today sees no issue with harboring and tolerating thoughts of inferiority of another human being because of their genes.

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So don't be scared. Don't be defensive. Racism unlike your race can be addressed and obliterated; as long as you are willing to acknowledge the problem. You see, the "White Lies" are not the lies told to Black people by White people, but rather the lies that White people tell themselves about Black people; including, "If Oprah Winfrey can be a success without our help, any Black person can!"

Motivation Seminar/Evangelical Meeting Tent

Last Wednesday, I attended a motivation seminar at Bank Atlantic Center in Plantation hosted by Peter and Tamara Lowe. My boss went to them in the past and raved about it. Whatever; company field trip. My expectations were along the same lines as those of a school field trip. Change of environment, mildly interesting, and fueled with sugar and soda in order to keep your energy levels up. The exception was that we were being paid for it; so the seminar garnished a few more brownies points for the "Get Out Of Work Free" card for the day.

That was my expectation. My wishes were that I would actually gain a lot of insight and "insider wisdom" from the industry. What I did not expect was to come out of the day frustrated, uncomfortable, and disillusioned. Sure, there were many good points brought forward, and many talented speakers present including General Colin Powell and Zig Ziglar (who reminded me a lot of my Grandfather with his great combination of wisdom and humour). And before I start listing my gripes, you can reference this article about this seminar (not the same time/location as what I attended; but same song and dance). So what went wrong? I dunno. Several things (that I can pinpoint). Let me list a few - sort of listed in order of importance/negative impact:

1. Peter Lowe and many others referenced the "J." man several times Perhaps I have become "hyper-sensitive" to Xtian preachings; but actually, when I think about it, I am pretty tolerant of Xtian banter on a casual basis. I am in full awareness that American Jews live in a sea of Xtians who have a tenet...a mission to bring in "more sheep into the fold". I have stood at the gas station pumping when a Xtian missionary comes up with their little panthlets. There are Xtians in my office who talk about the goodness of J.C. I even am able to laugh and appreciate some of the religious (as in Protestant Xtian religious) music and comedies from the Black community. However; if I am attending a professional seminar geared towards working professionals in an arena of 40,000 I do mind the Xtian ramblings. Even if Mr. Lowe was willing to just get up their and talk about what J.C. means to him, and how he personally feels that the Xtian faith is a factor of his success; he has crossed the line when he asked the area to "close your eyes; and if you haven't done so already, take the L-rd J__s into your heart...". I was appalled!

While I don't get too hung up or vocal about my own personal politics, it's times like these that I'm glad I am a Democrat. I simply don't trust the thinking of many political conservatives that "right = White, Christian, and Wealthy". While they may be "tolerant" of those who are different - they are the "American Dream". You can applaud diversity and tolerance all you want, but you will remain "the other".

An easy "proof" of this was illuminated in Maurice Berger's book, White Lies. A brillant survey was conducted among White people. They were asked to pretend that they lived in a world where the government (not genes) determined your race. As adults, they got a letter from the government stating that they had made a mistake, and instead of being White, they were supposed to be Black. They had to go in and get their race changed to Black (their "proper" race). But the government said they would be willing to compensate them - if they felt it necessary. The average requested compensation was $10,000,000.00!!! No one declined compensation. What this says is that this "non-racist" White people all felt that being Black was a 'handicap' that they should be compensated for. If this is so, why are the majority of "non-racist" White people oppossed to allotting any sort of preferences and aid to Black people? And they would practically grab up arms if we gave every Black person monetary compensation for the race they were born into! If you asked these people to be transformed into Jessica Simpson, or George Clooney - even without the fame and money, they would probably take that 'as is'. Absolutely brillant experiment and book. When I finish it, I will review it...bli neder.

2. The assumption was there that everyone was interested in how these speakers got rich/successful. While it is true that if you want to become great, you have to study "The Greats". But 8 hours of stories of how you were the most successful, a college dropout, busted the stock market wide open?!?!?! On top of that, the majority of the speakers were selling something else. Like their books/videos, private seminars, software, you name it. It became very apparent just whose 'success' this motivation seminar was for.

3. Stadium mentality. I don't know if there is an official term for it; but I've gone to enough football games to know it when I see it. There is something about sitting in a "room" with 50,000 other people. There is something about the loudspeakers and the feeling of anoynomity and the razzle and dazzle. It invokes the "leming effect". The speakers fed off of that. With all sort of "physical" communicators like pumping up your fist to "break through" you inhabitions; like grabbing the shoulder of your neighbor and leaning to test trust; like dancing to the wipeout - and a slew of other things I did not want to participate in. Not because I'm spiritless, but because such actions was obviously not tzinus. I wrote more notes than anyone, but continued to be a sitting target for the seminar staff/promoters who were walking by and prodding me, "Come on...I have a partner for you right here!" With that smile and that circus player mentality. No regard for my personal comfort or guidelines; just that I was interrupting the flow and not participating.

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I realize that many Jews; even many frum Jews would have been able to sit through that entire seminar and not bat an eye, and be truly motivated by the whole thing. But when I look at how Judaism has changed the focus of my life - it seems totally divergent from the focus of mainstream middle-class America. Sure I enjoy money; sure I want to further my career. But I don't know if I have an "American Dream"; I have a "Jewish Dream" in which 'America' plays a nominal role. In fact, the star of the show is Israel (sorry Colin!). My work is my parnassah; a means to fund my existence and service to Hashem. I do not expect Xtians to keep this same perspective; but even I much as I feel that Hashem gives me every cent that comes my way - I would not bring up that notion at a business seminar. My relationship with the Creator is a personal one. And yes, it does pain me when someone mixes up their spirituality into 'training' that is open to a public audience. That means you did not even think about the considerations of those who do not share your faith.

During one of the breaks, I did notice an older gentlemen who was wearing a yarmulke. He was engaged in busy conversation with fellow collegues. I wish I could have known; could have asked him just how he was getting through all this "motivational talk" peppered with Evangelistic phrases left and right. But I couldn't and just "gave up" and left the seminar 2 1/2 hours early. Well, I was also prompted by the fact that there was no kosher food available - and I was famished.

Be Cool - And Say a Bracha!

I was thinking that I really should purchase and complete a sefer (any sefer) which addresses the topic of brachot directly before making this post. But since I don't know if such will happen before Pesach; I figured I may as well write now - and revist the topic later if necessary.

Over the weekend, while over my Father's house, this topic was "triggered" because he pointed out that I had left a bentcher over there from last weekend. I sort of looked at him blankly since I didn't even realize it. He was surprised I didn't miss it. Truth be told I have bentchers everywhere; in my purse (which is why my purse stays at my desk when I use the restroom or I need to remove the bentcher and place elsewhere while using a public restroom. Always makes going to the mall interesting!), in my car, on my desk, at home (of course), and now at my Father's house. Since I don't have ברכת המזון , מעין שלש, or even בורא נפשות memorized, I need them (or a siddur) handy for every time I eat. But that's just the beginning...

About five [short] years ago, I remember I was over the home of a cousin and she served me and her sister a meal. Now understand I hold my cousin's cooking right up there will my Grandmother's - and my Granmother is no longer living, so it "was" such a treat for me. One second after the plate was set down I had a forkful and it was heading towards my mouth, when I noticed my other cousin had her head bowed and and was silently uttering some sort of blessing before freely partaking in stuffing her face. I didn't quite feel ashamed (I'll explain why in a bit), but I felt very awed. Here is a young woman that I would not describe as religious per say. She's J---- Witness by marriage (was separated at that time) and hardly ever attends religious services. But obviously she had enough respect for the Creator where she knew to offer gratitude before eating her meal. I on the other hand was raised to do the same in my Xtian household; except the blessing I was taught seemed hopelessly juvenille (G-d is great, G-d is good; L-rd we thank you for this food), and you said it as a symbol of manners and showing that you had a good upbringing. Understand that in the Black Protestant practice, "good" prayer involves eyes tightly squeezed shut, spontaneous shouts of "In the NAME of JeeeeSUS!", a strong sing-song voice and maybe even a little bit of weeping. The consensus was that if you just listened to - or held hands with (usually via a large circle of everyone in the attendance at the time) someone who had such talents; that was more than enough blessings to go around for you youself to eat. Besides, Reform Judaism did mention anything about saying a blessing before eating. You had kiddush for your Shabbat meal, but that bracha specifically said "...for the fruit of the vine". There was no encouragement to be so "anal" as to make a blessing before eating anything.

Hahahaha...if only I knew - eating isn't even half of it!

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The Sages of the Jewish Nation (of blessed memory) teach that Jews should say 100 brachot per day...

Close to the end of my involvement with my old Reform congregation, the Rabbi there distributed a printout listing his morning routine of blessings. This printout included מודה אני as well as the שמע and a few lines from ברכות השחר. Never in my life had I recited blessings in the morning before (before bedtime yes, but in the morning no). It felt surprisingly natural and invigorating. Funny I would recite these blessings before embarking out to work; well after I ate breakfast. That was two years ago.

Today, my mornings go more like this:

1) Open eyes (sometimes it takes 2 or 3 attemps!) and say מודה אני.
2) Roll out of bed and perform negel vasser. Do "my thing". Wash my hands. Go out to my living room where I keep my siddurim (making sure to find my slippers, since it's not respectful to say brachot barefooted*)
3) Recite אשר יצר (no נטילת ידים, since it's a vain bracha for non-Jews**).
4) Go shower dress, hair, brush teeth - all the good stuff.
5) Back to the livingroom (I don't keep siddurim in my bedroom*) to recite ברכות השחר.
6) If I'm running early, I will also recite [some of] פסוקי דזמרה and go right into davening שמע and שמונה עשרה. If I'm "on time" (usually the case) I drive to work and daven in the office.
7) I then recite my daily allotment of תהלים.

After this I then make my way to our coffee machine and our company's stash of chocolate biscotti. It is now a good 2 hours after I have arisen, sat through traffic (and avoided various "wandering creatures" along Biscayne Blvd. - local joke), unlocked the office, davened and finally I get to put something in my stomach. Even still - the instinct is there to pause 4 seconds to recite " בורא מיני מזונות " over my biscotti.

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Brachot, like kashrus, is a tangible action that encloses Torah-observant Jews into their own world. What started out as "no big thing" has grown into an action that leaves the non-initiated a bit bewildered. Understand that I used to stare at a food, take out my NCSY/OU "Guide To Blessings" and look for the corresponding bracha (I still have to do this - for foods I don't eat too often, like popcorn {which is האדמה by the way}), and then eat. Through observation I learned that food has an 'order' by which they need to be eaten (still not expert at this concept; try to eat what ever item has grain in it first). Only after time did I add the brachot for after eating as well.

There are also various brachot for other human experiences. From going to the restroom, to seeing the ocean (which I admit - it's a crime, I don't see too often, and I live a whole 10 minutes away from the ocean!). I remember when Aish brought in Rabbi Pliskin, shlita and it was my first opportunity to say " שחלק מחכמתו ליראיו ". But I must admit I felt a bit odd; in that while others had stood upon his entrance - I didn't see any brachas being said, and maybe I was being a bit too machmid

Even now I feel a bit uncomfortable when I pull out my bentcher after eating and take 4 minutes (yes it takes me that long)"to bentch". I'm not uncomfortable because I am ashamed to be so openly religious; I'm uncomfortable because I don't wish to make those around me feel bad. At work, although my company is Shomer Shabbos, there are no other frum Jews in my department - I found that at group lunches I open the bentcher on my lap and then it's not so obvious. A couple times, however, others have started talking to me because they didn't realize what I was doing. Then they apologize; then I feel bad. I don't like to exercise the leniency of waiting 72 (or is it 79?) minutes after you eat to bentch; because then I'll forget altogether.

Like many observant Jews (I guess) I don't talk a lot about the things I do and/or why I do them. I definitely don't get into theological discussions (although once I was very tempted to do so when a Catholic co-worker stated that she believes that the majority of Xtians today are genetic decendants of Abraham Aveinu). Needless to say, you soon start looking like a "nut"; touching mezuzot, bentching, not touching the opposite sex, not digging into the cake someone baked. But I have been simply amazed at how respectful and gracious my co-workers have been. Everyone knows that my door is always open, no matter what, and that if it's shut, then I'm davening and not even the receptionist will do as much as transfer a call my way.

On the inside I struggle a bit; between wanting to...no needing to voice gratitude to the Creator for the miracle of life and living and his marvelous creation, and making others feel bad for not being as devout. How much I wish I could give out a handbook which basically states, "Jews have this obligation, but others do not - please don't feel bad!". Obviously saying such is not the most considerate thing, so I remain tacit unless asked directly. I keep failing to remember that I myself did not feel bad when I saw my cousin silently engaging in blessings before eating. That was 5 years ago. I know I did not feel that then; but the person I am now can not re-create that reaction. Now if I don't take the opportunity to say a bracha I feel like a child feels when he steals from the cookie jar. Welcome to the world of Torah observance: a keen sense of your actions and the cause and effect thereof. It really is an amazing way to experience life!

* - as suggested in Rabbi Fuch's, shlita sefer, Halichos Bas Yisrael.
** - this was a poskin from my Rabbi; may or may not be suggested in the case of others!

Jewish Fridays - (Rabbinic Dispute In Chicago)

From The Jewish Press

Efforts by the Merkaz Harabbanim of Chicago, that city's oldest organization of Orthodox rabbis, to set up a bet din to deal with conversions has triggered a battle royale with the Chicago Rabbinical Council (CRC), a younger Orthodox organization but long active in the conversion area.


According to sources close to the Merkaz, the older group decided to enter the conversion field because the CRC did not maintain a bet din kavuah, or standing bet din, for the purpose. Experts in the conversion field say that an ad hoc system is inadequate because of the intricacies of the process and the need for great expertise on the applicable laws and practices.

The sources also said that for many decades, non-Orthodox clergy were enlisted by the CRC to sit on conversion bet din panels despite halachic provisions to the contrary. And acceptance of the responsibility to observe the requirements of halacha, the sina qua non of valid conversions, was, according to the sources, not always insisted upon by the panels.


Another problem is that the CRC continues to list among its members clergy without Orthodox credentials or those who have congregations with mixed seating or without a mechitza.

Contacted by The Jewish Press, CRC executive director Rabbi Moshe Kushner dismissed the notion of a rabbinic organizational dispute, but did not deny the gist of the Merkaz source's comments.

Although it's generally agreed that the objectionable practices ceased once Rabbi Gedaliah Dov Schwartz assumed the post of av bet din of the CRC twenty years ago, and while he recently formed a bet din kavuah, Merkaz sources say the CRC has not done all it could to rectify problems stemming from past conversions.The Jewish Press has also learned from sources close to the Israeli Chief Rabbinate that Rabbi Schwartz, who also serves as the av bet din of the Rabbinical Council of America's Beth Din of America, continues to issue certifications, or ishurim, for conversions across the country in which he has not personally participated. In some of those cases, non-Orthodox clergy sat on the conversion panel. Several of the cases were recently rejected by the Chief Rabbinate notwithstanding Rabbi Schwartz's certifications.

Rabbi Schwartz did not return a call seeking comment.

This is for "F.Y.I." purposes only; shared with no intents of lashon hara or to undermine the validity of anyone's gerus which was overseen by the CRC

Let Go To The Movies...

Does anyone remember that song from Annie? That was so fresh! When Daddy Warbucks brought all the tickets so that they could have the theatre to themselves...

I've noticed that in the Orthodox community, the general minhag is no "centrally located TV". Just about every home I've been to (and as a single ger who's a newbie around, I've been to a lot!), I can count on one hand the number of televisions I've seen in living rooms. My understanding that many frum families do in fact have a television; but a smallish one in some back area of the home; not so much in the forefront. Now that I think about it, the homes that did have a "living-room television" were Modern Orthodox homes. Understand that the shul I attend is yeshivish so that probably biases my view a bit.

I grew up, not really a TV junkie, but there were some shows I just had to see. Let's see, my Grandmother was into Young and the Restless which was followed by Bold and the Beautiful which I liked more because it was shorter and the setting was hipper (LA fashion designers vs. Rich Old Cranks from the Midwest). I remember the Saturday cartoon circuit (which surely my FFB peers missed) with Thundercats, The Snorks, etc. Weekdays there were The X-Men, Jem, etc. Prime time there was New York Undercover, A Different World, MacGyver, etc. Watching TV was no worse than going to the mall. Sure there were better things to do with you time, but even my relgious Grandmother had no problems with the vast majority of television programs.

Now movies were a whole new ballgame. I'm sure television has changed (yep, I am absolutely appalled by the language and innuendos I hear on sitcoms; and it's not like I've never been exposed to profanity!), but even in the 80s and 90s my Grandparents had a tangible problem with movies. Sure we had a VHS (and now they have a DVD) player; but the vast majority of the tapes we had were movies from the 1940s - 1970s. I remember when my Grandfather brought Robocop because he thought it looked cool. My Grandmother had a fit when she heard the dialogue: "That movie has way too much cussing in it. Why did you buy it?" But neither one of them would tolerate nudity. My mother (during one of the stints where she had left her boyfriend and moved back in with my Grandparents) rented Fatal Attraction and when the sex scenes came off my Grandparents promptly told her (and she must have been 27 at the time!) to fast forward through that part ("we don't need to see all that"). Although they've always had the largest possible cable package, they never "invested" in the pay movie channels (except for HBO - there was a reason they got HBO, but now I can't remember).

My Grandmother has also never, ever gone to the actual movie theatre. I still can't understand why, for even if it's a Disney movie being shown, she thinks it's highly inappriopate setting to be in. Quite contrary to the lessons she taught, I found myself appreciate movies as artistic works; especially infamous films such as A Clockwork Orange, Reefer Madness, Foxxy Brown, Christine, Scarface, The Color Purple, and Quadrophenia. I suppose this is my schtick lately in that I've explored many avenues of entertainment in my recent blog posts.

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I must say that I assume the "frum outlook" towards movies is the same as towards television. But I somehow feel a soft spot in regards to movies (similar towards my feeling towards books). I guess like my Grandparents, I see (and am sensitive to) gross displays of sex and violence (but we can keep the rock 'n' roll! Hahahaha) as uneccessary. But film is such a unique, incomparable medium. For example, the other night I drove over to my Father's place to watch I DVD I brought (I don't have a television at all - just a DVD player on computer; but I'm a sucker for the Dolby Digital Surround he has so if possible, I like to watch my DVDs there). The movie was Countryman, a film that 99% of the world probably never heard of (it's a Jamaican film from the early 80s). I watched almost the whole thing in pleasant, relaxed bliss. There was one portion in which the Americans, after coming to terms with being stranded in the Jamaican wilderness, that I sort of furrowed my brow at. Ok, so here they are trying out breadfruit and fresh fish and smoking big spliffs of Jamaican collie weed - fine. But they also took liberty to show the woman, who just "happened to be" quite well endowed topless several times. Showering in the waterfall, giving her shirt to wrap around the alligator, hover over her injured boyfriend in the morning. Ok, we get the point! I remember distinctly wishing I had a DVD editing program so those scenes could just be removed - with nothing lost from the film overall. And I would too. Because I love how the Jamaicans and the country are portrayed in the film. Sure I go to Jamaica and maybe even when, (if Hashem wills it) I have children I'll take them there. But trips are one thing; while compiled portrayals of culture are another. In Jamaica, I don't sit and reason with fishermen on the beach (I usually catch taxis all over creation and carry goods that my family asked us to buy "uppa foreign". I also get stuck watching children all the time while my cousins go out "fi catch dance". Not that I mind; but I don't think there are too many Americans who fly all the way to Jamaica just to babysit!). But in the movie, those Rasta fisherman say a lot with both speech and body language - things that I learned over years by just absortion. Because I have cousin and uncles that are or were those Rasta fisherman!


So many movies are like that. Sure the overall picture is severly twisted by the bias of the screenwriters and directors (i.e., I personally find Countryman a much better conveyance of Jamaican culture than The Harder They Come which is more entertaining to reggae enthusiasts and has a better storyline; but if it's a reggae-movie you're looking for, just go see Rockers which trumps them all); but it something. And the same goes for movies like Amistad, Citizen Kane, The King & I (the one with Yule Brenner) To Kill A Mockingbird, Mary Poppins, Boyz in the Hood, Deliverance. Hey, I even think that White Chr!stmas is a great movie! But just about all of those movies have scenes that a relgious Jewish parent might squirm at on the basis of chinuch (even in Mary Poppins, a seemingly "harmless" film, you have the children speaking to adults in pretty chutzpidik ways) .

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I oppose the generality that secular, non-relgious people are lacking in morals and spirituality (they have spirituality, but it manifests itself it different ways; like in Fung Chi decorating). I will say though, that it is a predominent view that to be well-rounded and knowledgable about various cultures and experiences is a good thing. Of course, many will probably harbor biases (oh I'm so into furniture from the Far East, but could care less about the hardships that Black Men experience in the ghetto 5 miles from here {I'm being ficticious of course!}). Jews find themselves naturally at odds with this. Jews are a persecuted minority that struggles to hold fast to their lifeline; the mode of living outlined by the Torah. And the Torah has proven to be key for those who have forsaken it eventually fall off the Jewish bandwagon (but can hop back on - or at least catch it when it circles over again). Not to mention the very values frum Jews work so very hard towards instilling in themselves and their families are utterly butchered by movies (a good Rabbinic response is here from the Chabad perspective). On the other hand, for the non-religious, to watch an "artsy" film with a graphic sex scene or cannibalism without a hint of a grimace is a sign that you're "with it". When I lived in Pittsburgh and went to many indie film festivals, I remember meeting the director for this one film that highlighted the advances that "pro-feminists" were making in the pornography industry. Every gave accolades that this woman was "keen" to recognize that there were porn actresses who embraced "their craft" and writing scripts which placed women into the dominant role in the sex scenes. (I apologize for getting to graphic for some; but my past is what it is). I bring this up in order to not beat around the bush. To not sugarcoat the difficulties that come from casting off one mode of thinking and replacing it with a totally different one. I wish I could say that back then, I was somewhat flabbergasted by the notion of a film that praised progression of a feminist agenda in the porn industry - but I can't. I was clapping along with everyone else!

So that's the path. Moving from ^that^ to forgoing movies like Speed .

So yeah, I'm interested in learning more about the movie-viewing habits of my frum counterparts. How many have seen The Shawshank Redemption - really? It's true there is probably very little in that film that a religious Jew can take value from - but it's such a "good" film. I admit I don't miss the TV; or watching a new moview everyweek. But I also feel like I'm "cheating" because I've seen so much already - I've had my fill. If you wade through all the "junk & gunk", I've also learned quite a bit. Rather or not it was worth it, I would probably need to investigate - film by film. The majority would lose out, but many would still seem valuable in my eyes; maybe too many. In addition, I still will hit the theatre every now and then. The last one a saw (about a month ago) was Madea's Family Reunion and I laughed my head off. Not only that, but I felt good about the fact that Tyler Perry kept the cursing to a minimum and there was no nudity. Maybe I am "getting there" - slowly but surely!

A.G.A. (Aspiring Gerim Anonymous)

Every Shabbos afternoon, there is a group of women who get together and listen to a guest speaker before engaging in shalosh suedas (the third Shabbos meal). Although I forgo the numerous classes given by the neighborhood Rabbonim and the average age of the women in the group is probably 62, I've found an affinity for these women. They come from all parts of the country and world. They have stories of their histories and their futures (via their children and grandchildren; many who are in Eretz Yisrael). We share simchas, food and kvetches. But most of all, I feel comfortable around them. Perhaps it's because I was raised my two people from their same generation (I'm familiar with how the minds of seniors work, that's for sure...). In the frum world, most adults my age are married with a child (or two, or three, or four...) running around. That in itself is fine and great; except they are just so caught up in the newness of their lives; their new married state, their new role as parents, their new home that they are finally able to buy after saving for a while; these things consume them. Often I find little in common to talk to them about. Perhaps its a bit dysfunctional that the majority of my frum friends are young seminary girls and elder Jewish matrons; but that's just how it worked out.

The guest speakers for the Women's Group have run the gamut. From nutritionists, to scientists, to anthropologists, and of course Rabbis and Rebbetzins giving source-ridden drashas on various aspects of Yiddishkeit. So I was totally thrown threw a loop when the organizer for the group privately approached me during shalosh suedas and asked if I could sign on as a guest speaker for the group; sometime this summer, after I get back from Israel, IY"H. At first I took the request as a great compliment, intrigued with her statement that several people "are very interested in my story". But later on, during Motzai Shabbos, I began to feel as if I signed on for something I'm not really entitled to. I've never given an autobiographical presentation at any point in my life before; but now is an especially bewildering time. Looking at my life, especially over the course of the past year, I can't hardly believe all that has happened - and I've experienced it firsthand!

So today I figured it out (I think). I do not plan to sit there and have a "Let Meet Rishona C. Hour". I need not underestimate the things that I have learned or my capabilities to be a little creative and weave in some simple diverei Torah into my presentation. Most importantly, I think it will be a good opportunity to expose some key players in the thriving kiruv community in South Florida, including Aish HaTorah and Ohr Somayach . So I will need to shortchange these women on all the juicy details of what brought me to my current state. Perhaps it's just the tznua in me showing face.

However in here in Blogland, where there are no time limits, blank stares, or the drone of soft snoring, I guess I can divuldge a tad bit more....

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I think I mentioned before that once upon a time, I was a Reform Jew , existing happily in ignorant Jewish bliss*. I guess even if I did know all the specifics, I may have still picked it. After all, I "wasn't feeling" how The Church relied on guilt, superiority, self-restraint, and viewing the world-at-large through this critical lens. On the surface, Orthodox Judaism is no different. All I knew is that I believed in G-d, I had no aversion to prayer, and I liked to think that I was intelligent enough to weave in certian Judaic spiritual elements into my life where necessary.

So what happened? How did I go from an indie pop-punk socialite who would go to "temple" on High Holidays and choice Saturdays to a resident of an Orthodox Jewish community? Or perhaps that is not the right question to ask. Perhaps it should be: "What didn't happen?". Both inside and outside of the temple, I saw all of these 30, 40, 50 and 60-something old adults who were "searching"; and not just for religion. They all talked about that "one day" they'll be ____; or they would tenatively say "finally after all these years I see..." Perhaps this phenomena with life dissatisfaction is more prevelant in South Florida. It just seems that it is a rare sight these days to meet someone who feels comfortable with that creature they see in the mirror.

But to bring forth some more concrete examples in regards to my search to find 'something greater... about a month after I moved to Florida, I met this guy - a friend; we'll call him 'Steve'. Steve was a lot like me; a rare cat of a Black/Caribbean mix - born in Canada and very into all types of music. But I got the vibe from him that when we exchanged numbers, he was looking for a "hook-up", and I was already involved with this brillant (but mental) Yugoslavian heart throb, so I didn't want to lead him on. But we still saw each other around a lot, and forged a casual friendship.

About a year later he rented a house not to far from where I was staying and I found myself going there a lot. It was a space where there were always people, alcohol, good music, and some free laughs. Quite a few times I would get tipsy and just crash there. I had totally forgot about Steve's romantic interest in me until he just came out and asked why I wasn't his girlfriend. I really had to work to stop a laugh from escaping from me. At this point I had been single and unattached for about a year and a half. We were good enough friends where I knew he would sleep with whatever random chick whenever he wanted sex, so I knew this was something - more. But here he is, 34 years old, and his life is all about punk shows and buying English designer clothes. Not that he was a loser. Just like my ex before him also was not a loser, in that all he cared about was making money and making appearances in South Beach's hottest clubs. Nor my ex before that who passionately cared about his writing and the quality of his pot. No. None of these men were inherently bad people or undesirable mates in my opinion. But we were like water and oil - mingling well but just not coming together. None of these men uttered a single self-initiated thought on the concept of G-d. And it's not that I avoided the issue. Each one was aware that I believed in Judaism and none of them (even the secular Jewish one) opposed me practicing it or even raising potential children as Jews. But somehow the apathy towards the whole religion thing killed my libido better than a Barry Manilow song at a dance club.

I found it curious that at Reform services and events, 20-something single men were curiously absent. Oh, but I guess that's what JDate is for! My first "jdate" was with a guy from Boca Raton. Let's call him 'Noah Rubenstein' (if this is some poor chap's real name, which it probably most certainly is, it's purely coincidental and I apologize). I was very upfront with Noah. Only kosher restaurants for dates, no plans on Fridays/Saturdays, no Sammy Davis Jr. cracks, etc. By the third date he pipped up that he found kosher dining "limiting" and suggested some treif place. I reiterated my position and kinda pretended that the suggestion was made only because he had a spontaneous memory lapse. After all, he was nice, progressing nicely career-wise, and proud to be Jewish (even if he was slack on observance). On the next date, he made a strange statement that he hasn't been to synagogue in years, but would be willing to start going with me. This made me very uncomfortable. I fished for a reply, but finally managed to tell him that if he wants to go to synagogue, that's wonderful, but it should be because he wants to acknowledge the Creator, not to fill a social obligation. I was well aware that for many liberal Jews, that is what synagogue membership is all about. But I did not want to be an accomplice to that. Finally, while walking along the beach one night, Noah admitted that he was just bewildered by my commitment to doing all this "extra stuff" (keep in mind this is quite some time before I went anywhere near Orthodoxy!). He then said that his mother was also a convert, and president of their Conservative shul in New York, and, "...she doesn't do half of the things you do.". "Great," I thought, "this guy isn't even an actual Jew!"

However the quandries of my love life did not phase me too much since Reform Judaism doesn't have an obvious opinion on marriage, one way or the other. Besides, it's "outdated" to think you can get married young, not divorce and marry again as "your needs change" anyway. The "variety of family situations" just added to the diversity of Reform Jews and reflected our modern life. But maybe the baby was thrown out with the bath water...

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Growing up, I hardly gave too much thought to notions of my future family. I was an only child (essentially). I was "a brain", so it was stressed that I would be going to college so that "I could get a good job one day". When I was little, Barbie didn't push around a baby stoller, she drove a Corvette and went to the moon (of course I thought Barbie was wack regardless though, Jem was way cooler!). As I got a little older, I just figured that the children would just come along after marriage; pre-packaged with a mini-van, music and soccer lessons, and a killer recipe for homemade chocolate chip cookies. Naive? Not really. If you are a single, career-minded woman than you're almost never ready to have children. I'm not saying that non-religious, working women don't look forward to or fully enjoy motherhood, rather, my point is that children in the non-relgious mind are seen as an acquisition that you may or may not choose to pick up along the line somewhere depending on your life situation. It is usually when they pop into the scene (pardon the insensitive play on words) that the parents start thinking about the ideas they wish to pass on; about what level of contiguity will be imparted. Keep in mind, many of these people are still trying to "find themselves".

One of the big sisterhood projects at my old Reform syanagogue was raising money and buying a present for whatever random bar or bat mitzvah happened to be passing through; and yes, "passing" was the correct term to use! I saw it happen each and every time. The family shows up, sometimes every Shabbos, for several months. They have a big simcha and the synagogue is packed. Candles are lit, pictures are taken and speeches are made. We give the gift. Then, the very next Shabbos, they're gone. Sometimes they may show up for one of the holiday events: fun stuff, like the Chanukkah picnic, but that's it. I remember distinctly thinking that I would never put my child through such a mockery. I did not adopt a totally new faith just so that my children can spin dreidels, have gaudy coming-of-age parties, and draw Magen Davids on every primary school project. If you are going to embrace a label, it should be somewhat meaningful to you. You should know why you should call yourself a Jew just like I know why I don't call myself an X-tian. I could feel how I held no legacy whatsoever in the church. Although the X-tian institution was integral in the advancement and survival of Black Americans, it is not our heritage. My ancestors had little choice over their ultimate destiny. The antithesis of this is living as a religious Jew, where you actively embrace your specified role and added life responsibilities.

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It's quite ironic that my personal misgivings about what my future family life nudged me towards Torah-true Judaism; being that I was not even partial to having children (at that time). In retrospect, I see that we all have our own paths towards contentment; and while I fully disagree with the validity of Reform Judaism, I will also say that there are some wonderful people, families and children who live as Reform Jews. But those shoes just didn't look right on my feet. Comfort in my religious expression is a crucial prerequisite to my success as a wife and/or mother. I'm glad I realized this sooner as oppossed to later.


* - not an outright criticism of Reform Judaism, but a description of my failure to investigate more about the tenets that Reform held as important. Actually, now that I'm on this train of thought, I think that it is very unfortunate that even though Reform Judaism encourages "free choice" among the mitzvot, most Reform Rabbis feel antagonistic towards Torah-true Judaism, although there is nothing in their 'responsa' to support this behavior; but it does happen. I have utmost respect for those Reform Rabbis and layleaders who encourage those among their ranks to turn to observant Judaism if the see their spirituality and commitment to Judaism growing in a different direction than what Reform Judaism can provide for them.

True Acceptance

Last night, I went to see Ahuva Gray speak in Hollywood. I admit I did not read her book (the only book I had read about a convert to Orthodox Judaism before was Migrant Soul by Avi Shafran), but her presentation went well enough for me to shell out the $25.00 for an autographed copy.

I found Ahuva to not be as extra-ordinary as the rest of the crowd found her to be. This is not an insult to Ms. Gray, but rather my perception as her being just like any other person who found an affinity in Judaism and felt the urge to step into the role of being an observant Jew. While I am grateful that Ms. Gray devotes a lot of time to travel and meeting with the public to show that being a Black Orthodox Jew is fully possible; I feel that many who hear her tale focus in too much on her skin color and fail to see the bigger picture.

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No one from any particular ethnic group can really act as a spokesperson for all of the rest. Just because you have a similar genetic code with another human being does not mean you have the same experiences. For those not familiar with Ms. Gray's story - she really took a "heads first" plunge into Judaism. Aa a learned Baptist Minister, she already held an affinity for the Land of Israel; so she decided to move there and shortly after making acquaintences in the Orthodox community of Yerushalyim, decided to convert. After 2 years in seminary and full immersion in the charedi community, she officially became a Jew. Armed with the values gathered from her religious Grandparents, her through knowledge of the Tanach, and "no holds barred" approach, she has garnished the respect of many a prominent Rabbonim and Rebbetzins.

I on the other hand find such a "powerful leap" into Judaism a stark contrast from my own. Sure, I also had religious Grandparents, but I held little regard for the X-tian church (however since I was a "good kid" I didn't give anyone in my family a hard time about it; just kept my misgivings to myself for the most part). I took much more to the esoteric teachings of Rastafarianism as presented by my Father, as well as the "no-worries/soon-come" attitude displayed by the Jamaican side of my family. Til this day, I cherish the "activity" of popping open a Red Stripe and watching the palm trees wrestle from my balcony. Later on, I found [Reform] Judaism to be a welcome answer to my quandry of wanting to be a part of some organized religion (I did believe in the Creator anyway) without having all these rules to "cramp my style". While I did not have to be dragged into Torah observant Judaism kicking and screaming, I did question and watch. I did need to take a "full inventory" of myself and see if this was really for me.

Since I got interested in Judaism from such an early age, it is hard to know if there were any "mysterious inklings" of Yiddishkeit infused into my upbringing. I've worn a Magen David around my neck since I was 13, but that was my own doing. I was a vegetarian from age 15 since Rastas teach that such is "ital" food, and good for the soul. I learned the Shema and some brachot in Hebrew simply because I thought it would be cool to utter stuff that no one else could understand. In my opinon, it's all less than exemplary starts to actions I find so meaningful today.

I guess my concern is that people will see my skin color, find out my desire to become an Orthodox Jew, and then build a persona from that. I do not know tehillim by heart. I do not hum or sing gospel tunes or Negro spirituals. I know diddly-squat about the Black X-tian community of the American south.

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I also find disappointment in the notion that a certain background makes a "good candidate" for conversion to Judaism. Aside from the obvious obstacles, such as drug addiction, romantic involvement with an atheist or non-Jew adverse to Judaism, living far removed from a Torah observant community, etc., the idea of "profiling" seems pointless. In the past, there have even been flagrant anti-Semitics who have been converted to Judaism (although I doubt if this might fly nowadays!). While I was far from being a degenerate, for years I was involved with the skinhead/punk scene; complete with the jean jacket with band pins all over it, Doc Martens, piercings (tongue & belly button), tattoos (actually singular - I only have one) and dilly-dabbling in more than a few controlled substances. Dare I say I'm not ashamed of any parts of my past? Being involved in a fringe subculture shows you the grittier portions of society from within and from without. I know what living without hope, faith, and self-worth is like. I saw how destructive passion can be when directed into the wrong channels. On a more positive note, I learned how to look beyond externals. I've known highly intelligent folks whith graduate degrees in science who had spikes poking through their nose. Forging friendships with such people taught me that none of Hashem's creation is superfluous.

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After contributing some comments to Treifalicious's blog, I started re-examining the notion of racist behavior among frum Jews and why I don't see it as an immediate problem to me (although it is a problem, just not one that makes me want to run away from the frum community) . It all seems to cycle back to my personality; the personality that was forged for me long before I chose to embark on this path. My Grandfather, who is wiser than I could ever dream of being, put it very well when he says, "I'm not looking for your love; I'm looking for your respect." I guess I've taken that notion to heart with me. Of course my integration into my host Jewish community is very important to my success in living a Torah observant life; but I can't lose sleep over Jews doubting my worthiness to join their ranks. I personally feel infintely grateful that Hashem made me the way he did (although he could have given me a prettier nose...hehehehe). What consequence it is to me if someone else does not feel the same way? If it makes you uneasy to see me davening along side of you on Rosh Hoshanah, or if I shatter your image of a "good Jewish girl", or if you are petrified that a young male in your family will choose me to become his bride, perhaps you should have a heart to heart with HaKadosh Baruch Hu instead of gossiping about it among others?

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Returning thoughts back to the lecture last night, most of the audience's questions focused upon some aspect of acceptance. Everyone was curious as to "how hard a time" Ahuvah Gray has had along the way. Why would the Jewish community be asking her this instead of having it the other way around?" Why is it that a Black person who chooses to convert to Judaism is an oddity? How do Torah observant Jews let their minds wander into the gutters of racial profiling? Why do you assume that the absorbtion of a "ethnic" sincere convert must be a painful one? I think it's pretty obvious that if you can accept the role that the Creator has designated to Am Yisrael, than true acceptance of any convert should be a no-brainer.

Book Review ~ Rashi's Daughters - Book One/Jocheved

I am not one to reach for historical fictions; especially those which revolve around (or strongly feature) religion. In the past, I found it fascinating; nowadays, I would rather look into the facts of X spirituality instead of the myths...

But I found my way to this book because it was slated to be reviewed by a [frum] women's group that meets on Shabbos afternoons. Well the group organizer was looking for something to compliment the 900th yarhtzeit of Rabbi Isaac ben Solomon ("Rashi") and thought this book would be it. Well she quickly realized that the book was a bit too raunchy for these women, so the selection was axed. But I already had my copy, so I figured I might as well add it to my pile of "entertainment reading".

The voice of the book is in the 3rd person, but it focuses on the life of Jocheved, Rashi's oldest daughter, from ages 12 to 20 (approx.) - young adulthood practically (the notion of the "teenager" is a modern one), following her from the commencement of studies with her father up until the birth of her first son. Ms. Anton did a marvelous job of weaving in the historical stage; with enough detail given of 11th century France to make you feel like you are there, but concise enough to read through without the descriptors being tedious. However, early on, I found myself getting a little peeved about the surface fact that while Ms. Anton did more than her share of research on medieval modes of living, she seemed less knowledgable about Orthodox Jewish living. For example, when Meir (Jocheved's future husband) accompanies his sister to her monthly tevillah (the counters the norms of modesty in Orthodox Judaism beyond the point that a brother is acting as an attendant for his sister's immersion; but also that no one except a husband and wife should know her niddah status!). However, I will freely admit that I am far from being a historian on Jewish observance. The book also features Jocheved as being a sandek for her son's bris. If I would have read this only one month prior, I would have balked at the idea; but I read in Rabbi Falk's sefer עוז והדר לבושה that there were letters from the gedolim on the breach of tznius in respect to this practice (so it must have been widespread). I did not compare dates however. It would also be interesting to cross reference a source book on medieval Jewry in Europe and see the full background behind the congenial attitude of the non-Jewish French people towards the Jews at this time. Tolerance of Jews was fickle in the majority of European countries in that day and age; so it would be interesting to see when the tide changed.

Getting back to Jocheved, I you couldn't help but to like her. She was smart and articulate - saying the right things at the right time. She also had her faults and struggles in that she held little regard for her female Jewish peers who were wealthier, but not so studious; she seemed find no conflict intellectually between her defiance of social expectations and acting on her heart's desire; she was brazen (by the standards of the time) in her sexuality. This gave her character an undertone that was just a bit too formulatic. Almost as if you put a 21st century mind into this 11th century body. It will be interesting to see how Ms. Anton handles Miriam's (the next daughter) book, in that Miriam seems to behave a bit more within the confines of frum Jewish girl from that day and age.

I enjoyed the wealth of information I learned about the operation of the French Jewish community that Rashi existed in. Although the book is marketed to tell the story of these women who "boldy defied tradition and learned Talmud", it isn't presented in that over-the-top dramatical style. Instead, it's all quite believable. Rashi needed to leave the yeshiva (which was in Worms, Germany) and come back to France for parnassah to help his family. Feeling out of his element without Talmudic students, he found solace in instructing his daughters. When he acquired male students to learn with him, the were regulated to only listening in an adjoining room; saving their questions privately with their father later. It almost seems as if such an occurence wasn't so novel after all (while other young women didn't have a father like Rashi, the probably did pick up bits of Talmud here and there via their fathers, brothers or sons in a similar fashion). This presentation felt believable and without a modern pretense.

If only the same can be said about the focus on sexuality throughout the book. It seems as if Ms. Anton aptly feel into the neo-liberal agenda and felt the need to add "excitement" to the book by highlighting the sexuality of just about every major character. While it's probably no worse than what you would see in an R-rated film (and is not copious enough to be totally tasteless), it all could have been presented on a lower key. Sure it is important to understand the attitudes towards sex in that setting; especially in a tale told about a family when marriages, births, and puberty are occurring. But that can be done without describing the physical reflexes of certain male and female body parts in the midst of coitus. With this, Ms. Anton probably effectively tuned out the Orthodox Jewish consumer; which is unfortunate since the rest of the book is written masterfully.

While the concensus seems to be that this book is excellent, I would resign myself to only considering it "good". Excellent would have been a book that didn't so openly estrange the very community that the book is suppossed to illuminate. The literary skill is plainly apparent; perhaps even the historical supports are just as impressive. But since Ms. Anton was writing this book with no apparent regard for the modern religious Jewish reader; you get the feeling that in and of itself, that takes some credibility away from the story. It's almost as if she's contributing to the myth that Orthodox Judaism sees shame in the disclosure of these notions about Rashi's daughters; that only the non-religious have a right to be privy to such things.

Homosexuality ~ Discrimination vs. Disagreement

I was compelled into this topic by - surprise, surprise - The Academy Awards (where it was defintely "flaming liberal" night!); where Brokeback Mountain was nominated for several awards and won "best director". When Mr. Lee stated that the love of thhe characters was, "...denied by society...", I sort of took notice.

To the chagrin of my liberal counterparts, I have never really given support to the "homosexual cause". As I write this however, I realize that only a small portion (if any) of the folks that stumble across this blog are actually homosexual themselves. Neverless, realize that I could never condone any sort of behavior which embarrasses, humiliates, or causes a negative stigma to be applied - short of outright acceptance. So I hope that at least can be understood.

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Homosexuality is forbidden to be acted out by the Torah; especially in reference to men engaging in the act of sodomy. However, the ideal existence of an adult (Jewish or non-Jewish) is to be paired with the opposite gender for procreation. Debates on this? It's already been covered on AskMoses.com! Now I'm sure this is quite disconcerting to many people; just like it is disconcerting to me that the Klu Klux Klan believes that "White X-tians" are superior to - well everyone else (and why does their website look like it was designed by a 12-year old?). I mean, any homosexual has their "spiritual take" and mesh their lifestyle with that spirituality (where if there is none - than the "spirituality" is atheist/agnostic - but it's still there). If you are homosexual and have some mode of spirituality outside of Torah observant Judaism, then I suppose it's all just an "F.Y.I."

For observant Jews, the story is a little diffferent (oh and for the homosexual frum Jews - well, that becomes a tough battle of will over heart - in that Judaism does not condemn the state of being gay, but acting on it). The Noahide Laws ,which apply to the ger toshavim who believe in the divinity of the Torah, outlines to also not engage in homosexual acts. The bad news is that it is necessary that more gentiles are drawn to the Noahide Laws for the ultimate redemption (not to start it - but part of the process). The good news is that some say that a Beis Din must officially make someone a Noahide, so those who haven't taken that step are not accountable; also you have some outreach which is being done. Therefore, it seems that an observant Jew cannot advocate homosexuality committed by a non-Jew any more than they can advocate murder committed by a non-Jew.

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I think a very, very difficult thing for people who are new to Torah observant living is seperating the ideals and standards of the secular society and the ideals and standards of the divine Torah from HaKadosh Baruch Hu. I mean it's very difficult. As a woman, one of the "biggies" on contrasting this is the issue of tznius. Countless times daily, modern woman is bombarded with the image of what beauty is, of what femininity is - which are practically opposite from the ideal the Torah gives. And yet, frum women get drawn into it. Shabbos lipstick? I mean, I understand; I don't label a frum woman as a "bad Jew" is she uses Shabbos lipstick. As a woman I know, even though I hardly use it, make-up can be addictive. Spending $30 on a tube of lipstick can only be described as something not quite natural. But the Torah makes a point of teaching that it is the neshama - the internal that "molds" the outside - not vice-versa. Actually, I'm sure if you ask most people this; even those who aren't religious at all, they will ultimately admit that even the most physically beautiful person can be tainted by an ugly personality. Yet this message is still hard to swallow. Don't think so? How many frum girls are struggling to keep their size 6 figure for the sake of shiddichum?

Back to what Mr. Ang Lee said about that four-letter word: love. What is it? If it is some sort of emotional elemental necessity to existence - like air is to the body; perhaps it would sit a little better [with me] that we all have a right to "love who we want to love". But (and I hate to sound callous here), it's not. It is perfectly possible to live and go through life without loving any other human being, having another human being love you, and certainly being "in love". The quality of that life may vary - but that is very subjective. Leaving alone the familial and platonic loves - and only focusing on romantic love, at first you may think it is a crime to deny someone of such a thing. But then let's look at reality. Just how common is "romantic love" in it's "Hollywood definition" at least? How often does it really manifest itself? Well let's see - I'll start with my own family. Both parents are divorced - so they are out of the running. One set of Grandparents were estranged at death; the other set has been married for 45+ years (and still going strong). Yet it wasn't very "Hollywood-like" in the beginning; although both were from the same ethnic/cultural/societal background, my Grandfather was a divorcee and my Grandmother didn't take to her in-laws too well; although she quickly found out that her husband's family was very tight-knit and that was that. Fortunately, she's the type to just accept far less-than ideal circumstances in the name of shalom bayis; if not, I probably would not be here.

Furthermore, I look at myself; I've never been in a romantic relationship. Sure I've had boyfriends. I've had moments of infatuation, lust, admiration, mutual compassion, and companionship. Would I have ever trusted any off my "exes" with all my secrets, my life, my destiny? No way! Are there same-sex couples out there who have felt this and so much more? Absolutely, without a doubt. But at the risk of sounding like a spoiled sport - you don't necessarily have "a right" to such. Just like I don't have "a right" to bemoan not ever having had such a relationship. It is enough that the Creator put me here into existence to enjoy his creaton and do what I can to contribute. I fully recognize that romantic love is one off those "special things" that really has no true equivilant for those who have found ultimate fulfillment in it. Sort of like becoming rich. I'm sure it's a glorious feeling to know that you have an endless supply of money; but I am not jealous (98% of the time at least) of you - and I recognise your feelings of fulfillment.

I will also admit that I am not romantically involved (nor have really been in the past) because of a decision I made on my own - consious at some times, but subconsiously during others. This basically means that I somehow knew, even if it was a teenie tiny voice inside, that I was not "ready yet". I'm not going to fib and say I didn't meet "Mr. Right" because I think I did; a couple times. Handsome, kind, financially secure, caring and....ehem....'physically skilled'. Now perhaps I'm deluding myself - but I do not think I have some sort of problem, nor do I think I am atypically callous. I do not have "strong" willpower either (G-d help me if I ever need to go on a diet!). I have a completely strong and natural attraction to men. Similarly, if I had the same disposition towards women, I would still be embracing the single, celibate life.

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But since this blog is about my musings as a convert; I guess I should "go there" for the sake of being relevant. It is not permitted for a Jew and a non-Jew to engage in any sort of intimacy. In my personal case, that just as well should mean "everyone" since non-Jewish men see me as being undescribally odd (even if they didn't, pre-maritial sex is just not on my radar right now). Not that the issue totally disappears after I, IY"H, convert since a convert is not permitted to marry a Cohen. That's just halacha. It is sort of an "unspoken" opinion that " convert" is not a characteristic that is filed over on the "positive features" side of the column when going into the world of shidduchim.

Somehow, I don't see my situation being all that far removed; albeit different, from that of a homosexual. No one else comes into my bedroom at night. What there is only between me, that other person, and Hashem. The same for the homosexual. But for me to go out and parade in public flaunting a relationship which I know good and well is assur; and then bemoan the Jewish community for antagonization? What about my rights to love? What about my happiness?

The arguments can come out that homosexuality is an inclination predisposed by nature. Some people also say that about Judaism (in that some converts feel they were born with a "Jewish soul"). For me, the jury is still out - on both cases, however as "pre-disposed" as I may feel towards Judaism, I could still turn my back on it on an instant. I choose to do the "extra effort" and cover up my collarbone; just like my gay co-worker choose to cut his hair into a faux-hawk.

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Speaking from the standpoint of an American minority, I truly feel for those who are deterred from living their dream; especially if your only dream is to be loved. But dreams are not garunteed - and many are just desires that were just never meant to come to fruitition. More importantly is to identity what kind of "love" we are looking for. Is it physical? Is it for security? Is it a partnership? Is it an emotional band-aid? Not that any reason is any more valid than the other; however forced acceptance of your love by the government, religious authorities, or your peers should not be near the top. Rather your choice is viewed favorably by Hashem is something that you'll just have to "wait and see" on; it will be weighed in equally along with the 6 other commandments if you are non-Jewish, and 612 if you are a Jew. May we all strive towards achieving a little more each day.

Jewish Fridays - (excerpts from "Part of Me", performed by En Vogue)

Rain. Such a simple thing
Every drop, a different stop...but it all comes from the same
G-d is the cloud....and we are the rain;
That's why I sometimes feel...that somehow we are the same....

Whenever I lay my head to sleep
...there's a strong thought that keeps haunting my mind...
Careless..whispers of a nation;
That Somehow was caught trapped in the dark and nowhere to go...
I know my thoughts are telling me:

Gotta be a part of me

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Life has no guarantees
That you'll keep what you have, even though you're blessed with them...
That's why I'm feeling
...some fear for the world...
With all the grief - and misery - how much real time is there?

The Sooner I Take More Responsibilities...
...I can truly say, I am grateful for my world...
The Irony - of trying to do the right thing;
Is whatever you do, some will undo - and sometimes destroy

And there's someone still left in darkness
(and you say,)
"Gotta Be A Part of Me"

Written by Denzil Foster, Thomas McElroy, Dawn Robinson, Terry Ellis, Cindy Herron & Maxine Jones. The theme, I'm sure, they intended to ge general, but I myself can't help but think of those Jews that died in the Holocaust, as matyrs, for the glorification of Hashem, or any Jew who endured inhumane treatment due to their birthright

Hitting the Books

I think it is safe to say that I'm just a tad bit burned out from reading, lectures, shirium, seferorim, etc. Yes, yes, one of the first things I learned about Judaism is that Jews are "the people of the book"; that to be learned in Torah is a greater suss than being wealthy, than being handsome/beautiful, than being professionally successful. And this is a notion that I fully embrace - don't get me wrong there.

At first it started out simple enough; Tuesday night tutoring in Hebrew and then afterward a class at Aish HaTorah. That was a year and a half ago. Early on someone told me to also come on Monday night - for a shiur on Shabbos halacha given by Rabbi Jankovits, shlita which - for someone who is new to Shabbos observance - is indispensable. Then I found out about a motzai Shabbos shiur given by Rabbi Reisman, shlita via satellite. At first I found this shiur over my head not because of the content, but because of all of the Yiddish he would throw into his drasha - but then I found his elucidations ringing very true with my neshama in reference to what the hashkafa of the Yeshivish world is today. As time progressed and I completed the Hebrew course (and moved to NMB), I started attending a Navi shiur given by my "home shul Rav". Mainly to show my face on a regular basis to him; but then I grew to love that shiur as well. A couple of months ago, Rabbi Davis, shlita started giving a Wednesday night class on Shabbos/Yom Tov cooking. Also being he is heavily involved with the ORB in kashrus certification I felt I could not pass this one up either. Then I found out about another satellite shiur given on Sunday mornings by Sarah Smiles from Yerushalyim.

So there is my current "schedule" with 5 days out of the 7 day week (or should it be 6, since Shabbos is not included - of which I usually always attend some sort of lecture/shiur in the afternoon on Shabbos as well - it's just not as predictable) "learning" somewhere. True only 2 of those days contribute to hard knowledge necessary for a gioyres, so the holes are filled in on my own. That's right. I usually work on 2 books a week to supplement what I can't find a shiur on. Currently they are Rabbi Falk's, shlita book on tzinus and another general book on modern Hebrew vocabulary.

Now I'm not listing all of this activity in an effort to stroke my ego - quite contrary. I do so to only give insight to the copious amounts of information that any convert to Judaism (and to a certain extent - any baal teshuvah - but they differ in that they don't have a "timeframe" to meet in most cases) must absorb. It's interesting because when Rabbonim go to disuade converts, they usually highlight the difficulties that you will face when you are Jewish - not so much what you must deal with to become Jewish. Actually I can't really lay fault with them in that aspect. These Rabbonim can give you first hand accounts of what it feels like to live as a Jew while they often times cannot retell the same for being a ger tzedek.

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Although I am sometimes astonished at all that I have learned - I can read Hebrew, I can hear a line or two from service and figure out exactly where they are, I know how to use a blech on Shabbos. On the other hand I feel overwhelmed and want to throw up my hands. How much of the Pesuki Zemirah do I say (I always lag behind on it)? If I say my "goyishe" bracha (I say "Hashem" when reciting any bracha which contains, ... אשר קדשנו במצותיו וצונו , am I culpable if a Jew says "Amen" or is he? Will I ever learn how to make hammentachen? I look at other frum Jewish women my age and I can't help but wonder - will I ever be able to catch up? Since they were 3, they've been immersed in an environment where Torah was taught just like children are taught to tie their shoes and dress themselves. And what to do, if Hashem wills that I ever will be gebentsht mit kinder , that their teachers will just "assume" that I will know ___ and it turns out that I don't have a clue. Sure it's a long way off - but I never did the years in yeshiva, the seminary studies in Eretz Yisrael, the handed down traditions from elder Jewish women before me to assist me. Gotteniu! - It's enough to make your head spin!

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Perhaps I'm overreacting - I guess it's a combination of the more you learn about the wonders of Hashem and his gifts, the more you want to do the right thing, the more you fear "making mistake", so the more you learn. It's a weird vicious cycle that brings pleasure, confusion, self respect, and humbleness all at once. But this is the real thing; it's not like a cocaine rush where you feel all in a quick unnatural sequence - Torah learning puts you into your true element - almost. At least for Yidden. For us non-Jews it feels like virtual reality. It surrounds you - and it seems real - but it still in not a part of your world no way that you are a part of it.

I guess that's why I need my shiurim and my seforim. Without them, I'm just another gentile. Without the tangible papers and people, I am out of the loop. In all honesty, I am sort of like the deluded lover who wants to hear the sweet-nothings whispered in their ear even when they know they are the mistress. Once I emerge from the mikveh, my desire to learn will not diminish - but it's point to me will be different.

In many ways it's a valid concern. I quickly realized that I would be tested on what I knew early on. Like my 1st Orthodox seder where I had just finished my Hebrew classes and they had each participant lead a section in the hagadah. Of course it was all in Hebrew (the seder not the hagadah) since the family hosting was Israeli for the most part. The husband of the couple hosting was also a convert - and I'm sure if I would have declined, everyone would have been fine with that. But he knew what it was like, and although it was tough and nervewrecking to be put on the spot like that, afterward I was grateful to him. It was also a comfort to share that yontif with someone who was intimately familiar with the "halachos for non-Jews"; which are, in and among themselves, complicated and mysterious. Like Ger Tzedek said in his post about kahering a kitchen, many don't realize that even if a non-Jew keeps total seperation of milchig and fleishing, and buys all his meat with chassidishe shechita, any cooked food will be treif. Not to mention the mind boggling halachos of non-Jews and wine; i.e., non-mevushal wine can not be handled at all by a non-Jew. A Jew can pour it for him, but then that glass cannot be re-used - even by the non-Jew himself. Since even pouring from the non-mevushal wine's bottle into a glass with treifed wine possuls the entire bottle!

It is prohibited to teach Torah to non-Jews. With each Rav I learn with (except for the satellite shiurim) this question has come up, and they have all agreed that someone who is converting may learn with them. Not that I have any problems with such poskim - however I wonder ---- how is it different? How am I different? The Torah was given to the Jews, and if a non-Jew learns Torah, he is in essence "stealing" from the Jews. However, the Torah is the guideline for living as a Jew - therefore converts-to-be have their right. But what if, chas v'shalom that person doesn't make it to the mikveh? Then is essence, they "stole the Torah" and are susceptible from any din from shamayim that comes their way? The only reason why this is on my mind - is not so much for me. I feel that I have it within myself to make it to become a bas Yisrael (while I don't know Hashem's ultimate plan though - I will have to wait and see). Such is on my mind for those who start, and just get so overwhelmed. Who get the difficulties in life. Who can't find or lost a connection with a Rav. Etc., etc.

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I know I'm losing the focus of this entry - I apologize for that. I am just amazed at how different I bid my time these days than I ever did in the past, or how I ever dreamed before. Don't get me wrong - I do love it. I guess it's like how Indiana Jones feels after swimming through a pond of rats to get some little gold goblet. For me, the reward is worth it.

I would never actively discourage anyone who wants to become Jewish - and definitely not to a Jew who wishes to become more observant (the mitzvot are your birthright - embrace them fully!). However lie to someone about the fact that true yiras shamayim girds you with such a heavy responsibility; a responsibility that you must prove to others that you are worthy of. I feel like I'm in med school. Even med school doesn't dictate your diet, your actions on Friday night, or obliterate your sex life (if your single at least). Is it worth it? 100% Even if I'll need to change my eyeglass perscription two more times to get through the reading material.