A "Model" Jew

Leave it to Aliza to get the scoop on the latest on the gerus and kiruv scene. I come home to see an e-mail sent out with a link to this story that reveals that Ivanka Trump is converting to Judaism; apparently in concordance with her becoming engaged to Jared Kushner (a Jew...apparently). I know, I know; this sort of thing happens all the time with celebrities (although nowadays, it's probably gone out of vogue a bit because so many famous people are joining those 'anything-goes-as-long-as-you-have-money' type deals). However, she is learning at Congregation Kehilath Jeshurun which is a Modern Orthodox synagogue. What this means, I am not sure, and neither does the author of the article (apparently); however it is really fascinating.

Could it be that Miss Trump is pursuing a halachaic conversion? If you put aside the fact that she is involved with a Jewish man, she could be a good candidate. She certainly doesn't need to worry about the added expense of Jewish living or trying to find a profession where she can be off for the Yom Tovim and Shabbos. Although she was a model, and most photographs of her (like the one above) are a far cry from anything tznius; Ivanka, in spite of her fame, has not really engaged in the typical rich brat debauchery that so many other well to do heiresses have in her age range (eh-hem...'Paris Hilton'...eh-hem). Any interviews I have seen of her or read on her (which have really been only three; including this YouTube video) portrays her as a relatively intelligent and professional woman. There are no glaring conflicts (it seems) that would prevent her from becoming a Torah observant Jew.

Of course, I can't get too excited about this news; mainly because there are so many unsettling questions that are on my mind; and they probably come up in the mind of other people who are pursuing halachaic conversions as well. (Of course, these questions are only valid if she is looking to pursue a halachaic conversion...if not, then they don't really apply.) The first, most obvious issue is the fact that she chose to convert after her engagement to a Jewish man. The classic take regarding Orthodox conversions is that you do not undergo one for marriage purposes. In reality though, this does still happen; but the Jewish significant other is also evaluated in regard to what extent they are shomer mitzvot; also, perhaps the process is drawn out a bit more. Will that be the case here? The second issue is just how much knowledge of Judaism will Miss Trump need to internalize; or will she pushed along through the system because, well, she is quite well off and would be a great financial asset to the frum community. I do not mean to insinuate the any Beis Din or Rabbi is "for sale", chas v'shalom. However, there are many things Miss Trump could do that I could not do; to facilitate living as a Jew. She could buy and install a complete new kitchen and hire all sorts of hired staff to assist her with Shabbos and the particulars of being a Jewish wife. She could purchase the entire Artscroll library and have it at her disposal to access anything on an "as needed" basis. This is not really a stretch if you think about it. I heard of a woman in her 40s who converted that just could not learn to read Hebrew. She told the Beis Din that she always had access to transliterated siddurim and bentchers and that was fine.

Finally there is a third issue which probably bothers me more than the other two; and that issue is the aspect of a ger leaving their original community [so to speak] and clinging to the Jewish people. My Rabbi reminds me of this necessity and that when the Jews are subjected to pains and struggles; you too must also take ownership in those same pains and struggles. This sounds simple; but really it is not. From my perspective (and probably from the perspective of many other potential gerim), it can be tough to not feel full acceptance from the community; and then turn around and fully align yourself with them times of hardship. However, there is no other group on earth I feel a connection with and affinity with except for the Jews; so I will stand my ground. Does Miss Trump have it inside of her to also feel this? I do not deny that she is able to; but it is probably more difficult for her than it is for me. If, G-d forbid, her future marriage would end in divorce, would she still proudly wear the Jew label or will she quickly and readily shed her Jewish Stepford Wife skin? Will we have another Dr. Laura on our hands, who will convert, get the "in", and then turn around later and criticize Torah Judaism as being "empty".

Well Ivanka, I will be keeping an eye out for you to see how things go. I do not, by default, think that you will fail. I also don't think any less of the situation since it is fueled by marriage. Many successful gerim and baalei teshuva found their path because they fell in love. In fact, they probably have a slightly better chance for success than those of us who did not find Judaism on the premise of falling in love because us singles have to chart through murky waters completely solo. Not to mention the confusion and the distrust that comes your way because you were a happy gentile and now you are opting for the difficult existence of being a Torah-observant Jew. I also hope that the Rabbis, Beis Din and community you align yourself with will also keep in mind that they have a considerable test in front of them. If you lower the bar for Miss Trump to convert, what does that reveal? If you more readily accept her into your fold and her future children into your yeshiva while other, G-d fearing gerim struggle for years to be considered equals, what does that say? If there is no talk of revoking her conversion if she gets caught out in public wearing pants or if her husband does not keep Shabbos, how will this make the rest of halachaic gerim feel? So please, all of you, do not compromise Judaism for the sake of image; it's really the last thing we need right now!

"In Da Club"

Well I tried to pull some lyrics from the 50 Cent song; but they were so horrendous (I mean they really, really are!) I trashed the idea. I decided to still keep the title though :-).

There has been some back and forth on some e-mail lists this week regarding "Modern Orthodox hypocrisy" (my term, not theirs) and going out to "bars and clubs" and another situation where a woman is 5 months pregnant with the child of her "Modern Orthodox" boyfriend and is not interested in becoming Modern Orthodox herself. The common strain between these situations is that Modern Orthodox is being equated with being something less than a frum (by frum, I mean shomer mitzvot) Jew.

This bothers me so much (ok, so this is a bit of an understatement). Don't get me wrong, I have been outside of Modern Orthodox...in both directions. Some of the first Orthodox Jews who mentored me were Yeshivish-type Jews. These individuals made me fall in love with Yiddishkeit and gave me the courage to come to terms with my relationship with Hashem. It was in that environment, in that very intense atmosphere of devotion to frumkeit, where I truly internalized the life and manner of a Torah-observant Jew. I aligned myself without reserve for a year or so to this community. I did not make the switch to Modern Orthodox because of observance issues; but rather socially, I had to admit that as a 26 year old single Black female, my place in the Yeshivish community would be limited.

However, when I came over to Modern Orthodoxy, I was pleasantly surprised that it really fit me like a glove. There was more diversity (not only ethnic diversity, but social and economic diversity as well). I once heard from someone outside of the MO spectrum, that being Modern Orthodox is a quandary; and I would not disagree with that. However I do not think it is a negative trait. The relationship that we have with Hashem is subject to the myriad of approaches and difficulties that relationships with other human beings pose. Spirituality is not a one-size-fits-all deal.

Back to the opening issues, I guess, in being a non-Jew, I lack the level of sensitivity of being weary of non-Jewish forces; and perhaps I also acknowledge that interaction between religious Jews and their alien surroundings is a good thing -- in spite of what tragic consequences may result (such as the pregnancy). I feel that the non-Jewish world presents a lot of beauty, talent, and culture. There is nothing there that I care to take personal ownership of, but I enjoy the exposure.

So here you have "certain individuals" who are absolutely abusing and destroying the term Modern Orthodox in order to justify their bad behavior. If you are lacking in your yiras h'shamayim, then fine. But don't reach for Modern Orthodoxy to justify this. On the flip side, don't equate the things that Modern Orthodox Jews may do with having a lack of yiras h'shamayim. So here's each issue individually.

In regards to bars & clubs: anyone who has gone out on the town more than a few times realizes that not all bars and clubs are created equal. You have neighborhood dives, posh VIP clubs, indie rock bars, sports bars, jazz clubs, etc., etc. I admit, in most bars and clubs, I do not feel totally comfortable; particularly if I go all by myself. However I do not hesitate if invited by friends (who are religious or respectful of the fact I am religious) or if there is a particular band or musician I wish to see perform. Also although there is a TV where I am staying now, for years I didn't have one; and I have to practically put in a written request to actually watch the one where I am now, so sports bars don't bother me. It is a bit of an annoyance to put yourself out there as a woman and made subject to random prepositions. But I am a pro when it comes to waving those off.

(Now that Facebook is on the scene, people can stalk you and draw all sort of inaccurate conclusions about you based on some very one-dimensional information. A picture may be worth a thousand words, but there is nothing to say that those words are true. I could post a picture with myself and my uncle with his arm around me {my uncle looks 100% South Asian...although he is actually 75%} and it would ignite a firestorm in people's minds. This demonstrates that there is this "test" of Jewishness that involves primarily superficial things...such as the background of where you took a picture; somewhere, once-upon-a-time.)

In regards to the pre-maritial sex/sex with a non-Jew thing: let's keep it real here. Any committed Jew would not even "go there". I am not even a Jew, yet I am committed to a Torah observant lifestyle that has no room for intimate couplings done "just for fun". And if it's done outside of marriage...then I am sorry, but it is "just for fun". If you are so much in love, then go an get married. And since Orthodox Judaism has no way of recognizing marriage between a Jew and a non-Jew, then leave the fold and be married in secular terms (simultaneously owning the fact that you no longer proscribe to a life directed by Torah). In fact, there are plenty of non-religious and certainly non-Jewish people who are saving themselves for marriage. It may be frustrating; but so are paying taxes. But the true tragedy of this situation is not so much a Jew fathering a child with a non-Jew (he's not the first...definitely will not be the last), but rather he is maintaining that he is a Modern Orthodox Jew and desires his girlfriend to join him in this sham.

Orthodox Judaism, in any "flavor" is not about making it out to be whatever your little heart desires. It is a comprehensive approach to how a Jew should relate to Hashem; and then function on this earth as a member of the covenant Am Yisrael has with Hashem. The culture, chumrot, and social patterns are just bonuses. This desire to redefine what Orthodox Judaism is brings about the danger of real Orthodox Jews being ousted; and fake Orthodox Jews taking the spotlight. My fear is that we will replicate what the non-Orthodox Jewish movements have done, and totally lose sight what Judaism is all together.

Fair Changes

Over yontif, I had some good, frank conversations with Mrs. G.; in fact, I probably divulged things that I hadn't told another living soul -- at least not in person. I am glad that I got them out of my system, and I am glad that I have someone who won't judge me because of these things; thank G-d.

One of the things I spoke about is my family; which is all over the map religiously. My maternal grandparents are Pentecostal Xtians from the C.O.G.I.C. denomination. I am not intimately familiar with their doctrines; but they lie on the more conservative end of American Black churches. Both of my maternal grandparents' mothers were key members of their congregations (with my Grandfather's mother being one of the founders of the C.O.G.I.C. congregation in Clairton). Despite this, my mother (their daughter) is not religious at all. My father can loosely be described as a Rastafarian; although he's not too serious about it. If there could be a "Reform Jew" equivalent in Rastafarianism, he would be in that camp for sure. His mother was effectively nothing; although her parents were cultural Hindus. His father was killed when my father was pretty young, so I don't know if it matters, but he was Anglican. My father's two sisters went to Catholic schools and stuck with it, so they are Catholic. My father's middle daughter's mother was a convert to the Nation of Islam. When my sister was younger, she wore burkas. But after she split from the husband she was with, she "went off the derech". The only legacies today from that are that she knows Arabic and my sister has an Arabic name. Despite not practicing though, my sister is not Xtian, so I guess she's Muslim then. I have a set of cousins who are Baptists, another set that are Seventh Day Adventists, and yet another set that are J-Witnesses.

Although it seems crazy, it's really not. The vast majority of my family is not extra hard core devout about their faiths...and even so, they are very used to having these multiple faiths co-exist happily. My entire family is not aware of my decision to become a Jew; but from their standpoint, they could care very little. My auntie Daisy in Jamaica is so used to dealing with those of us who don't eat pork, who eat no meat, it's second nature that when we come to Jamaica she'll ask, "What's can't you have?". I've gone with some cousins to go to Diwali parties. My father, who doesn't decorate for X-mas wanted to put menorahs in the house. My sister used to call our father "Abu"...the Arabic word for father. My Grandmother does not pray for the salvation of my soul, because she knows that although I am not going to church, I'm still G-d fearing.

Yet although I am happy with this relationship between my family and myself, I do worry about how this relationship can be understood by others in the frum community. I actually know of a giyores who is in her early 60s, and has been Jewish for about 10 years. By the time she discovered Judaism, her children were already adults. Since then, they have had children and she does not see them as her "family" because a ger is a new person upon leaving the mikveh and is no longer "related" to their previous family. She subsequently has no relationship with her grandchildren. I am not judging this woman; I just would not be able to make my head work that way. She could be right; and I could be wrong. Who really knows?

For the vast majority of my life, my family has had limited close involvement in my life. The result has been this sort of freedom from any pre-set mold of what I should be. I myself have very few hangups regarding my previous faith or lifestyle. And I surely don't have any "bad blood" built up between me and my family.

I am a bit closer to my mother's daughters than my father's. The two of them are 13 and 19 respectively...and they are really amazing girls. The older one is very laid back and fashion-savvy. She was the cool, popular cheerleader in high school and likes to do hair and hang out with her boyfriend. I can tell her anything. She even came to a seder with me once (well she was 15 at the time; she declared that matzah tasted like crumbly, crunchy cardboard - she we let her put margarine on it). The younger one is a bit of an odd-ball (like me) and is more of an emotional firecracker. But she's one funny cookie, and I love toting her around with me whenever I go somewhere.

Now it's no secret I don't sport the "Boro Park" frum look. I'll put on a long denim skirt and a Steeler sweatshirt and not even blink about it. My sisters on the other hand wear either high heels, printed socks, tank tops, off-the shoulder tops...whatever. I am not embarrassed to be seen with them, just like they aren't embarrassed by the clothes I wear. So I have no desire to ask them to change; even if it comes to a point where I have them over for Shabbos; or have them in my wedding (IY"H), or even around my children (IY"H).

Beyond Teshuva had an interesting post regarding the exposure of frum children [of BTs] to their secular cousins. Now these are BTs; people who were not religious themselves at some point. The vast majority were vehemently against the interaction/exposure. Now; chunich is a very, very important thing in Torah observant Judaism. But what was disturbing was the underlying recurring theme that frum Jewish children and teenagers need to be "protected" from their family members...just because they are not frum. Some may argue that I am an adult, therefore I am less susceptible to these negative influences that could lead me astray. However, when I was a child, I was exposed to all sorts of things that I did not take to heart. I attribute that to my Grandmother; who instilled in me to importance of being a decent woman and holding a reverence and love for the Creator. To contrast, I was strongly attracted to Judaism several years before I met any Jews.

So I worry that my tolerance for my family may be seen as something that it is not; dabbling with non-Jewish doctrines and trying to "hang on" to a former lifestyle. Of course, I fully respect halacha and the sensitive issue of tznius and kedusha (separation) and why it is necessary. But they (my family) are not Torah observant Jews, and I'm not going to pretend that they are. That does not minimize the love I still have for them. It is one thing to request that their tops have sleeves and full backs; then to be there and be flabbergasted that they are wearing skirts about their knees with no stockings, and honey-colored hair weaves. I chose to convert; not them. They should not be compromised for that choice, and they should be able to celebrate with me or even just be able to spend time with me...just they way they are.

Mutabaruka on "Religious Hard Talk"

This segment was pretty interesting (there's a lot of parts). It was supposed to be a discussion, but really it was a dialogue with Mutabaruka going on and on. However, he raises some good points against Christianity. But the opening sheds greater light on just how misguided Rastafarians can be when he declares that he does not believe in the supernatural. In another segment, he discussed how he never smoked marijuana and also how it is the culture, and not the doctrine of Rastafarianism which perpetuates them. This is interesting, in that I do not think Christians feel this way. He also discusses (in another segment) how the food you eat, and also the material of the clothes you wear can limit you spiritually. But somehow you do not need G-d? Hmmmmm....



Both men do a pretty good job at exposing the fallacies of both faiths. I wish American TV had shows like this!

Hello Again Tishrei, We Meet Again

Yom Kippur is one of those holidays that all Jews seem to be acutely aware of, even if they do not observe it. For years, I took special note of Yom Kippur -- seeing it as a time to look at your spiritual reflection. And it has always been a holiday that I looked forward to. A time when I could devote an entire day to nothing but a "heart-to-heart" with my Creator.

Somehow that feeling has changed; and I am a bit more fearful of Yom Kippur this time around. Last year, Yom Kippur was on September 21-22. I do not remember the details of all of last Tishrei, but I am sure I davened with a heart full of repentence, hope, gratitude and humility. At least I tried to. But then, about a month later, I had my car accident; and it just turned my life completely upside down.

Who can say (no one?) that my car accident was or was not a product of my tefillos last Tishrei? One thing that was decreed, which I am ever so thankful for, is that I was allotted at least one more year of life. On top of that, things could have been so much worse than what they turned out to be. But now Tishrei is here again, and not only am I davening for life and brachas, and all that sort of stuff; but I am also davening to be spared from Hashem sending any more drastic "signs" my way. I mean I do not even know if my accident was a "sign" or anything like that. And I do not ask "Why me?", but rather "What was wrong?". My "old life" was effectively taken away from me so quickly. It seemed to be working out ok for me...for my neshama. I had finally made friends in the Jewish community and I seemed to be progressing towards conversion very soon. But somehow it was not meant to be.

Of course, feelings change over time. I remember that while I was in the hospital, I was in an unnaturally good mood given my condition. Despite having no family or friends around to come visit on a regular basis, I did not feel alone because I was acutely aware that G-d was always with me. In addition to that, many of my stresses were relieved -- thanks to a decent job, and a bit of insurance money, and the opportunity to go back to school. But as the months passed by, I lost some of my resolve, and it started to sink in that my body is now "damaged goods" so to speak. I lost touch with many people in FL; I stopped seeing much physical improvement and hearing encouragement from the doctor; my overall health and appearance has suffered. After saying Modeh Ani, I walk as if my bones are frozen. I am not in constant pain, B"H, but I am almost always uncomfortable to some degree.

So hopefully Hashem will forgive me, but I can't help but to wonder what I could have done; where I could have made a mistake, for this to happen. By saying this, I am not freely admitting that I do not fully appreciate having my life spared. They say you never miss the water until the well runs dry; and my well of Yiddishkeit has really run low. I miss seeing the streets of NMB fill up with Jews on a Friday night. I miss calling up my friends to get an update on the shiurim for the week. I miss my Sunday morning tehillim group. I even miss Rabbi R.'s praises for the Bush administration's support of Israel.

My life is currently a bittersweet tonic; in that what I have found in PA is more resolve and more welcoming people in the Jewish community here. On the other hand, I am slightly horrified at how much I have forgotten by not doing a full 9 months of anything. For example, I packed my comb in my overnight bag for Yontif and then used it to take out my french braid from the 1st day of Yontif and fix my hair a different way. Only when I got home and started to unpack my bag did I look at the comb and think, "Hmmm now this is something I don't pack for Shabbos....so is combing prohibited on Yontif?". It did not take to long to confirm that it was. I am disappointed that I did not remember that, but even more frustrated that I have many seforim that I brought that I could study -- except that they are still in FL with just about everything else in my apartment. So G-d, understand that I am trying; but I have most definitely been set back. I just hope I have the resolve to move forward again. However there is also the fear that all the resolve in the world can't produce what is not meant to be. So maybe I should just daven for some good old-fashioned help. Nevertheless, I am hoping that Hashem will make things just a little bit easier for me this year; I'm hoping....

It getting chilly; but I brought a few cheap layering tops to wear under some of the many JCPenny's tops my sister tossed my way. It's sort of a new look for me because I never layered clothing while living in Miami. You can be tznius without producing sweat stains all over your clothes! The weather is still a surprise though, and at this rate, I'll have to dig out my leather coat for Sukkos. But I'm looking forward to it; if I can get past Yom Kippur -- I will be looking forward to the rest of the year, which IY"H, will be a good one.

Some things never really get easier

This afternoon I called our new Rabbi for my first shailah. Every Rabbi is different both in how he likes you to phrase the question and also how they answer. Some will wait patiently while you ramble and ramble (and ramble); and then glean out the important parts for you. Others will actively interrupt you to get the important details as you go along. I actually like the second approach better, because sometimes their patience silence makes me think I am leaving out something they need to know.

Anyway, my problem was that I was invited to a meal for the second day of Rosh Hashana by a woman who had just met me. Now her husband was generally familiar with me...and at some point I relayed my situation (because she probably asked). But I do not know if it was before or after the invitation. Although I knew of the problem then; I accepted the invitation because 1) I did not want to get in a halachaic discussion then and there -- especially since I didn't have a solution anyway and 2) I knew there was a way I could work around it, and she may not even know there was an issue.

So I asked the Rabbi what should I/could I do to prevent this woman from committing an aveirah. After taking some time to look into it, he suggested that I come before yontif to "take ownership" of the food I will be consuming; then if she cooks the food on yontif, "assist" in the cooking of "my food". Got it.

So after class, my phone rings...and it's a mysterious "private call". I came close to not even answering it...but I have a lot going on with business stuff for the sorority and are sorts of people are calling me right now from universities, so I decided to answer. It was my host for yontif! Great...now I can explain to her about what I need to do. This was far more difficult than posing the question to the Rabbi in the first place; however it sort of caught me off guard.

After talking a bit about directions and small talk, I brought up what I needed to do. She patiently listened to what I described...but did not really get the jist of what I was saying. I mean her reaction was kind of quaint; but it still put me into an awkward position. The following (paraphrased) ensued:

She: "But I thought you said you had a Reform conversion in FL?"
Me: "Oh I did"
She: "And it's documented?"
Me: "Yep"
She: "Then you are Jewish. Why do you need to do all of this?"
Me: "Well Reform conversions are not up to the standard that the Orthodox feel are acceptable...and I am fine with that, it is ok. So the Rabbi suggested that this is what I do."
She: "Well maybe he misunderstood you. Does he know about your Reform conversion?"
Me: "Uhhh.....mmmmmm...."
She: "Well if he knew, I'm sure everything would be fine..."
Me: "......"
She: "I mean Mr. ___ and his wife is going to be there. She is a gentile. She always eats at my house."
Me: {Oh boy}
Me: "No it's just the yom tovim that pose a problem..."
She: "Well I want you to be comfortable; so that's fine. I am totally kosher; my husband makes sure to that. And we all have our different customs. So please, you are welcome to come over any times and say your prayers that you need to say."
Me:?
Me: "Ok. Please, I am so thankful that you invited me; it is just a small thing...and in no way am I implying that I am not ok with joining you for a meal."
She: "Ok good. I still think it was pretty bold for the Rabbi to call you and tell you to do this."
Me: {uh-oh}
Me: "Oh no, no! I called him. I know about these issues, believe me."
She: "Oh ok. Well you shouldn't feel so bad. I mean G-d made all of us and loves all of us. I want you to be totally comfortable in my home..."

(and it when on for some more, but that was the recurring theme of our conversation basically)

This situation actually pains me; not because I have to set myself apart (I can deal with that)...but because I manage to both make people who are trying to be genuinely nice uncomfortable, and I am also spotlighting their unfamiliarity with halacha. Not that Jews should be intimately familiar with this halachot anyway; but it is very hard to convey that. Nonetheless I do it; because I am not going to be responsible for a Jew committing an aveirah (if I can possibly help it). Especially when the HKBH knows I know better.

But then again I would rather deal with this, than with a community filled with uber-shtark yidden who are afraid to get too friendly with "ex-whatevers". I am also very thankful for a Rabbi who is careful, mindful and patient -- which are always good signs.

Adventures in Kashrus - I

Dut-da-da-duh! Lookie what we have here:

Jamaican jerk sauce with a hechshure (parve). It came today (yes, I have sunk to ordering groceries online!). It doesn't really "move" like jerk sauce (instead it sort of reminds me of cheap maple syrup). But the ingredients look promising; and it's stamped as being "spicy & sweet". So they are on the right track there.

Authentic Jamaican jerk is almost impossible to pull off here in a standard kitchen. For one, it is barbecued in a hollowed out steel drum with wood that is sprinkled with pimento seeds. The meat is then peppered and basted while being grilled. It is pretty dry and crispy when it comes off of the grill. But the finisher is that the meat is moistened again by being topped off with Grace's ketchup -- which is a totally different beast than the "American" ketchups like Heinz or Hunts. It's orangy-red in color and thinner in consistency -- sort of like thick, old hot sauce I guess. But I have never seen Grace's ketchup here (even in Miami) and it's probably not kosher anyway. In spite of it being several years since eating authentic jerk, I will never forget what it is supposed to taste like...

So we'll see how good these folks do with trying to put that taste in a bottle. :-)

Smiras H'Lashon (an acknowledgement)

Sometime (all the time?) when I fire up my laptop to either blog, post to forums, or send messages on a list-serve, I am venting. Or on a soapbox, or however it should be referred to. In spite of this, I am not a natural complainer. I am, however, a bit of an alarmist (ok, I think I just made that word up) and see things all the time that concern me. Things like false information, humanistic apathy, blatant ignorance, and cruel intentions are things that I tend to "call out" -- not because I want to make anyone feel bad, or, G-d forbid, paint anyone in a bad light -- but rather because I feel that silence is a way of condoning such behavior.

I realize that this can be the wrong approach; and you learn how to pick your battles.

Since it is Elul, I am trying to make an effort to make some sort of cheshbon h'nefesh -- no matter how discouraging it may be. I saw this on Chesed Club (which is a great, South Florida-based website) a few days ago; and it is certainly worth spreading around...

TEN RULES OF SHMIRAS HALOSHON

Loshon Hora means the making of a derogatory or damaging remark to someone. The Torah forbids one to denigrate the behavior or character of a person or to make any remark that might cause physical, psychological or financial harm.

HERE ARE TEN BASIC RULES TO REMEMBER:

1. It is LOSHON HORA to convey a derogatory image of someone even if that is tre and deserved. (False derogatory statements are called MOITZI-SHEM-RA)
2. A statement which is not actually derogatory but can ultimately cause someone physical, financial, or emotional harm is also LOSHON HORA.
3. It is LOSHON HORA to humorously recount an incident that contains embarrassing or damaging information about a person even if there is not the slightest intent that they should suffer any harm or humiliation.
4. LOSHON HORA is forbidden even when you incriminate yourself as well.
5. LOSHON HORA cannot be communicated in any way, shape, or form (i.e; through writing, body language, verbal hints, etc.).
6. To speak against a community as a whole is a particularly severe offense. Harmful remarks about children are also LOSHON HORA.
7. LOSHON HORA cannot be relayed even to close relatives; including one's spouse.
8. Even if the listener has previously heard the derogatory account or the information has become public knowledge and the subject will suffer no further harm by its repetition, it nevertheless should not be repeated.
9. R’CHILUS, which is telling one person derogatory statements that another person said about them, is forbidden because it causes animosity between people.
10. It is forbidden to listen to LOSHON HORA or R’CHILUS. If someone inadvertently hears LOSHON HORA, it is forbidden to believe that it is true. One should give the person the benefit of the dougt. Assume the information is inaccurate or that the person does not realize they are doing something wrong.

NOTE: There are Ttimes when LOSHON HORA is permitted or even required, i.e; when warning a person about potential har, for example, a potential business or marriage partner. The questions of when you are allowed or even required to speak LOSHON HORA are complicated. A RABBINIC AUTHORITY WITH EXPERTISE IN THE FIELD OF SHMIRAS HALOSHON SHOULD BE CONSULTED IN ANY OF THESE CASES.

In an effort to personally come to a sort of reckoning in regards to this issue; I apologize to any person, or any community of whom I spoke bad about. Furthermore, I truly hope that any communications produced on my behalf have or will not cause feelings of hurt or ill will towards the Orthodox Jewish community. That would just kill me inside, and completely work against what I am personally striving towards. That goal is to accurately highlight Torah observant Judaism from my perspective. And that perspective is a positive one; for if it were not, I would not be sticking with it.

Well I had a weekly goal to try to go to sleep before midnight one night during the week; and tonight may just be that time. Laila tov :-)

jTunes

Well I am sort of surprised that I am bringing myself to blog about this topic; because I feel that there are some things about my persona that should be considered "off-limits" in respect to my desire to become a Jew. But then again that notion hearkens back to my Reform Judaism days...where you could pick and choose how you wish to apply Judaism. New rules apply now!

So the topic is music. I usually read something regarding Jewish music, get a little irritated, then move on. But that cycle has occurred way too often lately; like at least once per day. There is this article about the rapper Y-Love who is a real treasure to Am Yisrael (and I'm not talking only about his music). Then there is this lovely piece of work; which echos much of the same nonsense that follows:



Come on now...really???

But this is not just about me scoffing at such antics. Because, #1, I can fully appreciate the effect that music has over people. From being at hardcore shows where standing near the stage puts you at risk for a broken nose; to seeing women lose all of their dignity (and then some) during dancehall reggae parties. Music is powerful; and powerful things need to come with a warning label. And #2, I do respect (yes I do) the wisdom and foresight of those who are scholars and lovers of Torah; then they take that wisdom and guide Jews on how they should observe the Torah in today's world. Nevertheless, the aforementioned just does not sit well with me.

My music collection has a long way to go Jewish-wise. Even then, I enjoy ethnic Israeli (Sephardi?) music a tad more than the Miami Boys Choir or Avraham Fried. I like Matisyahu, Y-Love, and Blue Fringe more than all of them however. But that is not what I listen to everyday. I am usually listening to a Trojan Records album; or any random soul singer; maybe some old school R&B from the 70s, 80s or 90s. I also like new indie acts; like Metric, the White Stripes and Santogold.

So hmmm.....does is this place me at odds with the desire to become a Torah observant Jew?

I think it is a valid question; and I look at just one genre and how my spirituality has altered what I listen to and how I listen to it; and that genre is reggae. Reggae is actually pretty diverse; and there is a lot of it that is not fueled by Rastafarian dogma. In fact that is one reason why I do not listen to a lot of Bob Marley's music anymore. I mean Redemption Song and Exodus even Three Little Birds will always be classics in my book. But Rastaman Chant and Kaya...I think I will pass. But even "Rastafarian" music has themes that copy over to Judaism no problem; like Rivers of Babylon by the Melodians...which is an absolutely beautiful song and appears on Trojan's Rastafari Box Set (sung there by the Ronnie Davis however)...

By the rivers of Babylon
Where we sat down
There we wept
When we remembered Zion...

For the wicked
Carried us away...captivity
Requiring from us a song
How can we sing a song of joy in a
strange land?

So let the
Words of our mouths
and the meditations of our hearts
be acceptable in Thy sight
here tonight

Now this just one of...oh...maybe hundreds of reggae songs that are out there (yep, it is hundreds because Jamaica produces more recordings per capita than any other country) that meet these standards. But let me step out on another limb...and rant a bit about music that can't serve as psuedo-kosher music.

Like Al Green; I think that Al Green has somehow miraculously taken his soul and transformed a bit of it into sound waves. Somehow, I feel that he would, without a doubt, be thrown over into the "treif" music pile. So why is it I don't feel bad while listening to him? Sure, he sings about love, and feeling sad, and all sorts of other things that I can sympathize with. I have enough sense to realize (and I must say this...because some people don't) that Al Green is not singing about or to me. Which sort of brings up the notion of "kol isha"; which is the prohibition where Jewish men should not hear a woman who is not related to them sing. Actually, I do not have any issue with this...because the anti-feminist in me believes that most male minds work differently than most female minds do. And just like shomer negia (which applies to both sexes), it serves as a tangible reminder that being a Torah observant Jew means adhearing to a higher level of kedusha. With that being said, I respect and understand kol isha; but I am not going to think a Jewish man is a rusha because he listens to Barbara Streisand. Back to Al Green though...he is not a Jew (not that I know of) so there is no true shame that he does not conduct himself in accordance to the teachings of the Torah. He is talented; and I am very thankful that he is able to share his talents with the world.

And as far as those who feel Al Green and the like are sinful, shameful, and the pinnacle of complete talentless debauchary? Hmmm. Well I believe that your taste in music is similar to your taste in food. It may modify itself over time; but large and by far, you sort of grow into it. I mean some gerim and baalei teshuva may really dig Lipa Schmeltzer and The Chevra; and that's cool. I personally think they are pretty talented; but I don't they don't fit me like an old pair of bedroom slippers do. Which is why I am much happier with Matisyahu and Y-Love. But more than that, music is just sound and lyrics are just words and whatever does not sit right with me, I can't (and won't) sit there and be subjected to. That is why I don't listen to reggae that sings about puffing on gangja spliffs; or pop songs that are invitations to give anatomy lessons; or rap music that is about...u-hem...."lollipops"; or punk music that is about assasinating the president; or any type of music that encourages you to do some hokey dance (which would be The Macarena, or The Electric Slide or The Tootsie Roll or The Hokey Pokey...or any other of the plethora of songs, which, if they were never recorded, would have left the world a little better place).

My desire is for my yiras h'shmayim to be stronger than anything; including any bad influences from music. But then again, I am of the Jewish camp which does not equate things that are a product of goyim = bad. I fully admit, I still listen to some music that would really scare a lot of Jewish people. The list (slowly) gets smaller as time goes on; or maybe it's because I'm getting older as well. But it is sad to see Torah observant Judaism being used as justification to promote insularity and predjudice attitudes. Somehow, this just does not seem to do anything to combat the assimilation problem.

Hopefully, this will be my only post about this issue. I hope Moshiach will come soon and we can enjoy music of pure simcha to celebrate the rebuilding of the Beis HaMikdash.

Religious Intolerance

Well my website (which isn't even live) was hacked sometime over the weekend by the Moroccan Defender's of Islam (nope, that's not my site -- I fixed my site). I wonder if Islam has any concept of a "chillul Hashem"? Not to mention the strange name. Why must Islam be defended? And how does hacking my website help to defend Islam? Unless you just want to give some visibility to your cause. But you would probably get more exposure holding up some signs downtown during mid-day.

Despite these annoyances, I don't really feel the inherent ill will towards Arabs. I do not sympathize with them, and I think they have a lot to answer for to Hashem. But other than that, I don't cook up this inner hatred of them. I understand that the Arabs are a modern day tsuris to the Jews; but before them it was the Xtians. I also understand that living in Israel and seeing the day to day hardships tolerated just because the Palestinians are not happy is very, very trying. However, I cannot sink to treat or to think of any other group in a way that I would loathe to be treated or thought of.

Maybe that is a "problem" -- coming from a totally different group and trying, in adulthood, to align yourself with a new group. Currently, you may be totally assimilated into your new community. But you never forget (unless you amnesia I guess) what life was like for you "before". You don't feel like you are still a part of it (in my case, I wasn't really a part of anything), but you do remember what it felt like to "not" be what you currently are. In the case of Jews, this is a group of people who have never had it easy. Even today, when there are few, widespread physical threats to the Jewish People, we are now battling psychological battles with assimilation and possessing an inferiority status.

Back to the intolerance thing; I wonder what percentage of observant Jews in diaspora are good friends with any Muslims? I have two members on the national board of my sorority who are Muslim; one is Serbian, the other is Indian. I didn't know this (they aren't very religious) until both had to miss something due to a holiday. But even if they were religious, as long as I didn't hear any anti-semitic, racist dogma being revealed, I can not really see myself not being friends with them. I was also pretty humoured by how many Arab men in Florida had no issue dating Jewish women. I am pretty sure it did not go the other way around, but I remember while being out with a group of Jewish girlfriends (from my Reform days), they used to flirt a bit and then we would reveal that we were Jewish. They were hardly phased.

8 years ago, I remember that the College of Engineering (where I worked) at WVU hosted some sort of event that involved food. There was this stuff that tasted heavenly...it was like spiced ground meat in a pastry-type filling. It was made by the wife of a student who was a White man from WV who converted to Islam. I was still hoping to convert to [Reform] Judaism, so I was just in awe of how he made such a drastic change himself. I was pretty green back then, but I was very clear about my interest in Judaism and both he and his wife (who was born Muslim) seemed very encouraging - sharing their experiences as well. I don't know..maybe they were green too.

Judaism classically teaches that there is more than one path to righteousness (as long as you stay within the 7 mitzvot for Bnei Noach; although I am confused as to rather or not adherants to other faiths can ever, truly be "good" Bnei Noach). Yet Jews seem to have a pretty low opinion of those who are not Jewish; while at the same time being half-apologetic for practicing Judaism. I guess that is why I really enjoy Y. Sofer in Eretz Yisrael, because he really practices Judaism like it's the best thing since sliced bread. There was a story he told regarding trying to make a kosher suedah in Jamaica sometime in the 1970s. Shaare Shalom brought in kosher meat from Miami, only to have the Jews of the congregation cook it in the old treif pots. "Dis 'ere a BASIC kashrus man! Unnu nah have one lick a sense; pyre vegatable and fish ya haffe nyam affa righta now, you nah seyit?"

Being a Torah observant Jew is not easy, but I wonder if there were a slight (just a slight) shift in attitude, that one aspect, the relationship with our non-Jewish neighbors, improve. This is not about extending the olive branch. It's more about seeing the humanity present all around us. I don't know if it's because I'm a convert-in-training or what the story is, but my old non-Jewish co-workers used to flock to me for any sort of Jewish question that popped into their minds. I would rather they have not did this, because there were plenty of other Jews around they could have asked; but somehow that didn't happen. Some were good questions...like "What's the difference between Sukkot, Sukkas and Shabbas?"...and then some were ridiculous like "Do Jews really have sex with a sheet between them?". As weird and awkward as all of that was, I would like to think that Jewish people lost a bit of their "alien status" and just a bit more understanding was established there. Now I have a new job with one co-worker who wears a "Jesus is my King" type t-shirt every other day and two other co-workers who have pastors in their immediate families and discuss the latest revival events. I am hoping no round of questions come my way this time...but it may be inevitable.

I guess that's ok; as long as I can ask questions about their religions as well.

Tell Me About It In The Morning, Ok?

School started last week; and from the looks of it, I should be able to (IY"H) pull off this 18-credits + a-30-hour-work-week thing. Today I was my first day back and the first time I've seen my boss since she left on vacation 16 days ago. I came in armed with my print out of the month of October from Chabad.org. Yes, you are not reading that incorrectly...there are 3 weeks when I need two days off back to back. Awwww...I knew you would understand! I can work 9-hour days to make up for it, no problem. And no, I can't be reached on my cell phone...I'm very sorry.

B"H, that religious people can even exercise these rights with their employers nowadays!

If only it were so easy to explain the Jewish calendar to those who are not your employers. I received an e-mail from a friend from my old college days (waay back from when I was on campus) regarding Fantasy Football. Hmmmm...whatever that is. On one hand, I can't be coy...I know why he contacted me. I grew up with football. Plaxico Burress, Charlie Batch, and Willie Parker are in my extended family (as proudly told to me by my Grandmother). I went to two high schools that had powerhouse football programs. On top of that, I was in the marching band, so I was required to attend every game. As I moved through high school, some of my very good friends became starters; so it became "personal". Then I could begin to appreciate the talent present in professional level football. Then came college...

A person can never overestimate the importance that the football program of West Viriginia University holds over the school, the students, and the state. I actually did play in the Pride of West Viriginia (the university marching band) for 1 season, but it was waay to intense for me. Band practice at 8 am on a Saturday was not my idea of fun at all. I very much preferred the following year of making the trek to Milan Puskar stadium sipping beers that didn't need coolers because it was super cold/windy/snowy outside anyway. Sitting around with 60,000 other fans (or foes) being as entertained by what going on in the stands as what is going on with the game. Football started to appear almost like a chess match. I could pick out the positions and anticipate the calls. You began to recognize the plays. I never got into remembering statistics, but at least I could match the number on the jersey to the player.

I was probably one of the few women my friends knew who could do this, so I guess this is why I stuck out in his mind as a pick to participate in Fantasy Football?

So I sent an IM back on AIM, "Ummm...thanks, but I don't really have the time for all of that right now" (which is true).
Reply: "Oh it's cool. Hey are you going to homecoming?"
Response: "What? Where, in Morgantown?"
Reply: "Yeah. I think it's on Oct. 11"
Response: "That's a Saturday?"
Reply: "Yeah."
Response: "Oh surely not :-)"
Reply: "Why? You can get tickets since you're a student now. Don't have to go to the scalpers like I do."
Response: "Ok...do you want mine then?"
Reply: "No, they check your ID. Thanks though. So are you planning to go to any other games?"
Response: "Not really."
Reply: "Oh how come."
Response: "Aren't they all on Saturdays just about?"
Reply: "Yeah. Except for the Pitt game which is Friday."
Response: "Yeah. No. :-)"
Reply: "What...you're going to miss the Backyard Brawl!?!"
Response: "_____, Fridays/Saturdays are the Jewish Sabbath..."

Then commenced some more explaining revolving around why going to a football game would be a problem on Shabbat...

Just to verify I checked the upcoming football schedule for WVU. And yes, just about every game was on a Saturday. But even if one fell on a Sunday or something, I honestly do not know if I could get motivated to attend. In fact, probably not. It's weird, because if I had TiVo, I would record the games and watch them (surely before watch the Steelers). But dealing with being in a football stadium -- I would have to pass. It's funny, because I only have the greatest memories of going to the games. And I still love football. It's something else.

I recognize that waves of pure irrationality sweep throughout large crowds. Here you have 11 college athletes on a 100-yard field. They are surrounded by thousands upon thousands of people whose extreme happiness or extreme disappointment/frustration is dependent upon them. I guess I will "go there" and wonder out loud if it is all nothing but a form of avodah zarah -- one of the biggest no-nos a Jew can do. What we have is a modern-day Coliseum (no pun intended...in that WVU does in fact have a "coliseum" where they play basketball games) where the humanity of those being watched is stripped away. Are they elevated to being worshipped as demigods? Or are they being degraded to the point where their own well being is only secondary to the much desired victory? Whatever the case, it seems...it just feels so "twisted".

So I guess if I did want to get swept up in a mob-type mentality along with 60,000 other people, I would not want to do it for the sake of cheering on a football team.

I did not watch the Olympics either (just couldn't change my schedule and stop what I was doing to watch them I guess), but at least with the Olympics, you sometimes get a little insight into the athletes. I thought it was fantastic that Jamaica won so many gold medals...because I get tired of the continuous bad rep the island seems to get (so it's great to see the world cheering them on). But I hardly felt bad that I did not see them competing. Just tell me the outcome...and I hope they win in the end.

So I wish the Mountaineers an excellent season in 2008. I'll be checking the highlights on Sundays.

Well Before November...

Let me just get this out of my system now...before November comes.

Once upon a time...when I lived in a "frum shteibel" (in a land far, far away), I had quite a few frum neighbors who were staunch, passionate Republicans. These were/are good friends of mine. However Shabbos was undoubtedly a time where you would discuss current affairs and hear about the latest drech the Democrats were involved in.

So there is me; a lifelong Democrat*, just smiling and biting my tongue really. In part because I was not as well-versed as my friends in all the gory political details...but mostly because I do not feel that politics should be discussed on Shabbat (hakodesh vs. hachol).

But I do understand that it is deeply ingrained into the Jewish psyche (maybe even on a "spiritual" level) to be sensitive to the ways of gentile leaders under which they live. There is even a bracha to be said upon seeing a powerful gentile leader (shenatan meechvodo l'vashar v'adam). There is also an opinion out there that when a non-Jewish nation is tolerant of the Jews in their midst...that nation flourishes. But even outside of the frum world, there is the recognition of the importance (real or perceived) of the "Jewish vote" and "Jewish politics" (like in this Jim Lehrer piece on Faith & Politics -- a good article, although I find those little headshots to be unbelievably unflattering!). Secular Jews also seem to have adopted the "religion" of education/business/politics as an outlet to release their pent-up energies to make a difference somehow in olam hazeh.

Nevertheless, I just can't get into it. To me, political choices may be influenced somewhat by your religion...but it should not have the main control. I believe that is why the founding fathers of this country saw the importance of having the separation between "church & state". There are only two main political parties in the U.S.; and it is impossible for one or the other, in my own humble opinion, to completely satisfy the political ideologies of the vast majority of Americans -- including Jews.

Not to mention that American Jews are incredibly diverse -- in spite of what the media says. Their priorities are diverse...their backgrounds are diverse...their personal economics are diverse. Is it realistic to think that any politician could cater to the needs of all "American Jews"? Is it realistic to think that any politician would not be paying careful attention to the millions of Americans out there who feel that the United States needs to pull the purse strings from Israel? Is it realistic to think that every US President will place priority status on the needs of Jews and that AIPAC will always be there saving the day?

And what about what we daven for every day? The dawn of the messianic era where we will once again build the Beis Hamikdash. Isn't the eventual manifestation of Hashem's divine plan just a bit bigger than who wins the presidential election in the U.S. in 2008? Will any of this prevent the eventual war of Gog v'Magog? Our actions yield the type of environment in which we live but does not change what Hashem has laid out to happen. Disastrous things have happened when the Jews placed to much faith in outside powers and the ability of other nations to sustain them. History has a way of repeating itself -- we should tread carefully.

With all this being said, I will be supporting Barack Obama in November; no debates...no insults on my intelligence...please. As a citizen of the United States, I wish to select a President that will be the best choice for this country overall. The Jewish nation is very fortunate...in that they do not need to rely on limited human judgment to pick their ultimate leader...HKBH. Other than that, I am not concerned with how other American Jews vote...or what their reasonings are. Politics is just another, unnecessary device which can be put in place to divide the Jewish nation. It's really not cool; there other more pressing issues that we have to deal with in today's world.

* - officially, I consider myself a Democratic Socialist; a political platform I discovered in college -- but fell tacit about being that I was living in South Florida where everything smelling of communism was equated with the devil it seemed. Outside of that, I am so embarrassed at how most Democrats have thrown morality out the window and have the nerve to justify it with the wishy-washy notions of "personal freedom" and "choice". (And no...I am not just talking about abortion here). I am also a bit leery of the eagerness of fundamental Xtians desire to form an alliance with religious Jews. Jews should (in my opinion) not be so quick to believe that the politics of the Xtian right aligns itself perfectly with the politics of the Jewish right. Maybe I'm paranoid...

Where to End -- Where to Begin

So I read this amazing post on a Simple Jew's blog; and I kid you not...the last two mornings I have been thinking about this. But I never dreamed I would actually be writing about this...but here I go...

My davening is a problem. I do not know when it happened or how it happened. Well; I guess that is not entirely true. I was not really davening on a daily basis when I was in the hospital. When I was released...I was re-united with the interlinear siddur my Hebrew teacher gave me. For some reason, it confused me and tripped me up a couple times. In between pain and therapy and no sort of set schedule...my daily tefillah schedule came totally off track. I used the excuse that I was a woman and...whatever...what I say is what I could say. G-d would understand.

But the yetzer hara is such a slick little bugger -- a little turns into a lot, and before I knew it I was down to the Shema and the Amida - sans any extra brachot - sans any special attention that I was saying each and every word. What a long, sad cry from how I would stand viewing the morning outside my patio window...with careful consideration and attention given to HKBH all the way from Brachot H'shachar to Aleinu...to a thoughful Birkat Hamazon....to a Shema al Hamittah said without dozing off/zoning out.

You would think (and I am disappointed that) when things turn to be tough, you develop more kavannah and a stronger bond with Hashem. Unfortunately I am sad to say that I let emotional hurt and other various difficulties hover like a cloud which just blocked out my spiritual connection. In the grand scheme of things...there was no reason for that. Despite my own lack of acknowledgment, I have still received many brachos during this time. My life, my ability to return to college (finally!), my understanding job and modest insurance settlements (that appropriately were just enough to take care of my needs at the time), as well as being placed in an environment that is much healthier for my emotional well being.

When you are coming from being a secular individual...and moving towards being a Torah-observant Jew, you have a lot of different milestones and measuring sticks were you must mark your progress. Sometimes it seems hopelessly easy -- other times you just can't understand why you just plateau. Then there are situations like this where you slip and you need to backtrack and do it all over again basically...

So 2 weeks ago I brought a small Ohel Sarah (Women's) Artscroll Siddur. It's a much more use able format. I am back to allotting anywhere from 30 to 45 minutes for davening in the morning. I make a conscious effort to go to bed as opposed to "falling" into bed from exhaustion. It's time to make tefillah a priority again; I just wish for Hashem to bear with me while I sort out all the logistics.

3rd Great-Grandaughter of Charles Jones

And who is "Charles Jones"? Charles Jones was a slave - born around 1825 and in 1870 (the earliest census he could be found on) was living in Flat Creek Township in Lancaster County, SC with his wife, Phillis.

I found this out this past weekend. It was the 3rd annual Jones Family Reunion and they were holding it up here, in Pennsylvania this time. I could not attend the bulk of the events (like the church service in the church my great-grandmother founded or the dinner/banquet thing). But I did go to the picnic this past Sunday at Renziehausen Park. That's where I got a t-shirt, a family history book, and a name tag that read "3rd Great-Grandaughter" while my Grandfather (who got $25 for being the oldest family member there) got a name tag that read "Great-Grandson".

I did not know the reference point at all. Until I started reading the book. Charles Jones had 10 children; most of them, we have no idea about. Charles Jones, Jr. was his 5th child and was my Great-Grandmother's father. Here's my Great-Grandmother, Lillie:
At some point, she moved from Monroe, NC (Anna Blakeney, her mother moved there after her husband died) to Clairton, PA. Her twins, Mary & Martha were born in Union County, NC in 1924, and my Grandfather, Robert was born in Clairton in 1927.

So the reason why I bring this up is because I was asked this past Shabbos about what my family thinks about my choice to become a Jew. Never do I get the impression that this question is asked out of anything but genuine concern and curiosity. However, I often times wonder just how I should answer that question; without sounding trite. The average Black American family has a slew of other, much more pressing concerns regarding their children -- outside of their choice of religion. Black parents have to deal with a sea of negative influences in their community that can pull their children into teenage pregnancy, crime, substance abuse, and overall hopelessness and lack of faith in leading a productive life. I am surely not saying that White American families do not have these problems to deal with. It is just that for many more Black families...these issues hit closer to home.

During the OU's Tisha B'Av presentation, Rabbi Weinreb talked a bit about a class he gave to non-Jews; and mentioned that there were several Black women in this class. And he said, "...like many Black women, they knew their bible very well.". I mean it was just a quick blurb...but I wonder what his experience were that prompted that comment?

I have also heard it said that Black people are very "spiritual"...whatever that means. I guess I would agree that I do not know of that many (maybe no) Black atheists. I do not proscribe to blanket statements...but I have seriously never heard of a Black family disowning a child because they became a Muslim or a Buddhist or anything of the sort. Now they will talk about you until no end...but they will still consider you family. Unless you owe them money; then they will not need to disown you, because you will mysteriously disappear from off the face of the earth...

In spite of all these religious underpinnings of the Black community...I must admit that I avoid a lot of opposition on the basis of ignorance. Most Black people know very, (very) little about bona-fide, Torah observant Judaism. I also see no real need to educate them on it. You hear talk in the media about all of this Black antisemitism...but I do not buy it for a second. #1 - the Black community at large is not practicing the same type of Xtianity that incorporated anti-Jewish sentiments. #2 - Many Black Americans are just anti-everything; in that they have some axe to bury with anyone who is not Black.

Anyway, back to my own family, I feel like we are a sea of question marks...with little tokens of our past...but mainly focused on the future. The Scotts (the family that did the bulk of the genealogical research) did a lot of work to just find the information regarding these past 5 generations. Growing up, my family always just "stopped" with those members who migrated up North. Now I don't know how many people are in this book...maybe 400-500 -- but that is really just the decedents of two of Charles Jone's children and about 5 of his Grandchildren. And by far, it's just a list of names, birth dates and places (my great-aunt Estelle, Lillie's sister, was properly noted as having had died in Israel in 1971). What are the stories behind those names? I know there is a cousin, Tiffany Glenn, that married Plaxico Burress (wide receiver who played in the last Super Bowl) and there apparently are some cousins in Philadelphia who became Muslims (names are Shaheed, Nadirah, Taalib and Sameerah Shabazz). Only G-d knows where the rest of us ended up...or will end up in life.

I wish I knew a bit more about the Kabbalistic explanation of yichus. I mean what on earth type of yichus do you have when you are descended from a piece of property (or 1/4 of a human being or whatever the US government regarded slaves as back then)? Not that I even entertain notions of inferiority; I would hope to take on the yichus of Avraham v'Sarah. However it sort of puts in perspective the influence a birth family ultimately yields on the life of gerim -- curiously, very little.

*Note - re-reading this, I can see how this can be interpreted as me not being proud of my family. Nothing could be further from the truth. However I do not feel, nor does my family feel, pressure to adhere to any sort of family legacies...

Wait, I don't get it!

Ok, so it's the month of Av; the sad, mournful month. There is a prohibition to not listen to instrumental music from the 17th of Tammuz, until the 9th of Av (actually, into the first half of the 10th of Av as well). Quite frankly, I dread this period. I love music....and play it everywhere. When I was in Miami though, I could deal with it by listening to the shiurim CDs you could pick up for free in the shuls and in the Judaica shops. Yes, I would get a lot of aural Torah learning done during this period.

However this year it's different. Here I am without my CDs and my books. Talk radio was beginning to curdle my stomach, so I took a stroll down to Pinsker's the other day to get some CDs. I was pretty surprised to see that they had very few recorded shiurim on CD. What!? Not even some stuff from Rebbetzin Tzipporah Heller?

I did not want to leave empty handed, so I headed over to the section of "acapella" CDs. Being a musician of sorts, I know what acapella is...and it doesn't really have too much of a pull on me (unless it's Boyz II Men...see below!). Nonetheless, I got A.K.A. Pella 2 which had some good reviews. While it is not my favorite CD of all time, it is quite listenable. Maybe too much so. While no instruments may have been used, it sure does sound like it. Or some sort of synthesized, computerized "stuff". In addition, there seems to be no prohibition on the subject matter of the music...just on the musical instruments part. But modern singing techniques mirror a lot of the sound effects musical instruments make (or maybe it's always been that way).

So here I am, driving along, listening to my "acapella" CD; and also wondering, honestly, what exactly is going on here? Yes, maybe if you grow up frum, the halacha becomes internalized...and you know all the "do nots"...but what about the intention behind the halacha? I am not scrutinizing those Yidden who have always been Torah observant; and I fully admit my feelings probably have root in the fact that I am not well-versed in halalcha. However, I do sort-of-kind-of remember Rabbi Yossi not particularly agreeing with listening to acapella music during the three weeks (again, do not quote me on that!). Thousands of Torah-observant Jews fully enjoy acappella music during this time...so who am I to judge?

It's during times like these, I wish I had a Rav to talk to...just to get musings like this explained. Oh, it's very, very hard to come in from outside the frum world and internalize all this stuff. Sometimes I don't even know where to begin!

Now as a treat, here's some Boyz II Men; don't worry, it's a totally kosher song!

Tznius Shopping Revisited

Well I am trying to rebuild my wardrobe again. When I came up to Pennsylvania, I had very few clothes with me. Now that I am working, I need to buy clothes!

My initial impression from how things were 2 years ago...it is not as easy to just go to general stores and find tznius clothing. The common style now is show as much as possible either with really short mini skirts or shirts that could double as lingerie. Yep, gone are the days where you could by a long flowing skirt from Urban Outfitters. Couple that with the fact that I am on a budget...and I am noticing that my options are pretty limited.

Well I had a discount coupon for Soft Surroundings Outlet for 10% off any order over $50.00. I brought 3 tops and some lip gloss for around $56. Here's what my tops look like:


I got the one with the rose on it in two different colors.

I was also determined to get a long denim skirt (I also want a denim jacket, but I have yet to find one that I like). I just simply could not believe the pricing on some of these skirts; both at the Jewish and non-Jewish stores. I really did not want to pay more than $50 for a casual skirt. Although the listing is not comprehensive, I started with the Modest Clothes Directory where I found a site called Nutmeg. Although their selections was not fantastic (as is the case with many of the Jewish stores) I found a the denim skirt shown below on sale for $30. Shipping was only $7 and they use PayPal for payment...where I discovered I had $9 sitting in my PayPal account. So my final cost was $27.


Also, I was not planning on getting a dressier skirt, but I saw a very interesting piece at Newport News on clearance, and I just couldn't resist. The skirt below was only $24.99!

They also had a lot of other long skirts on sale as well.

While I did not purchase anything from them, I discovered some great new sites such as Style J, and Christa Taylor. Yes...this is definitely to be continued!

*Disclaimer* - Observant Jews are currently holding in the 3 weeks - a period from the 17th of Tammuz until the 9th of Av that includes some restrictions on certain activities...including buying new clothes. These laws are even more particular from Rosh Chodesh Av until the 9th of Av. I am cognizant of these halachos, but since I am not Jewish yet and more importantly outside of the community, I am not bound by them. IY"H, one day...one day!

Ah-ha

Well I have not updated this blog for a long, long time. A lot of that is because my account "expired" and I had to go hunting through my e-mail to find the link where I could re-activate it.

Well what can I say...I did not convert..."yet". I guess I put that into quotation marks because I have some pretty big obstacles to overcome before I can get to that point. The first thing is that I was in a bad car accident and laid up in the hospital for about 3 weeks. I broke my leg and my hip. Although the accident was not my fault, I really didn't get too much money out of it, because the man that caused it had no insurance. But B"H, I am alive. But I could not maintain my living situation. I gave up my apartment and moved back to Pennsylvania so that my family could take care of me. So yeah...I am quite removed from the Jewish community at this point. Therefore my conversion is on indefinite hold.

Also it doesn't look like I'll be in a position to move anytime soon. I am back in school...and hoping to finish by summer of 2009. Then I am hoping to go to graduate school at Chatham University (which is actually located in/near Pittsburgh's Jewish community...Squirrel Hill). As for work, I start a new job on Monday in Belle Vernon (south of me...so even further from the community) and the pay is not all that great at all. However I've been collecting unemployment for a while...and it will eventually run out. Plus I need to get some sort of benefits going already.

So that's my situation. I have difficulty walking, so perhaps all this is needed. Just G-d's way of telling me that I'm not quite ready. :-) I am thinking about going to Gemillas Chesed...an orthodox congregation in White Oak tonight...just to check it out. I must admit I went to a Conservative synagogue two weeks ago and I didn't feel comfortable at all. So I'm still very, very torn about what to do for this upcoming year.

Labels Are For Tupperware

Ok, I have come to the conclusion that I just don't like the term "Orthodox Jew". I will continue to use it...for clarity sake (and sometimes saying "Torah-observant") is just too cumbersome. However there is not too much flattering about the term "Orthodox". Just the sound of it takes notions of compassion, intelligent decision-making, and tolerance and throws them out the window.

Unfortunately, I think it effects those being labeled as well. If you embrace your label, then you embrace the limitations that the label presents. Without getting into fine details, I feel that there are certain actions that an Orthodox Jew would not engage in that a just-plain-regular Jew who is shomer mitzvot would. Nothing against halacha mind you; but things such as hanging out with your Puerto Rican neighbors to go watch the Superbowl -- things like that.

I'm sorry, this post is going to be very short; because somehow I feel I am beating a dead horse. That and I am dead tired myself. It just feels good to say that I am not looking to be an "Orthodox Jew" one day; just a Jew who is serious about her avodas Hashem and adherence to mitzvot. That's my real goal folks. Laila tov!

HaBoker Or!

Again, I apologize for my absence.

I should say that week of October 15th - October 21st, was a major trial and blow to my spirit. It started off with finding out that a Rabbi who mentioned he would "help me" then changed his tune. Then I got splashed in the face with a bucket of cold water when a friend of mine brought up the fact that my giyoret status, while fine with Hashem, will be a big mark against me for many things the rest of my life; so perhaps it was meant to be that I not even do it. Then another friend suggested a Rabbi to me for sponsorship. I talked to him for a while; and what he said to me were the first encouraging words I had ever heard from a Rabbi regarding this. But he still wanted to study with me...and for a fee as well. It was not something that I could afford. Then on Friday, I was laid off from my job.

Driving home Friday, I was just numb. With each thought I questioned my worth. I wondered where I had gone wrong. No doubt, I have a lot of improvements to make on myself...on my intentions and in my kavannah in tefillot and mitzvot. I remember how during Rosh Hashanah, everyone was so positive -- wishing me well. And I was positive as well! I remember going through Yom Kippur; and unlike last year, I was not "suffering" from boredom and hunger. I was really into my davening, and stayed for every service. I remember going through Sukkot and Simchat Torah, feeling real joy and really a part of the community. And then, it seemed to crash down. Like a cruel joke -- where you dangle the much wanted lollipop in front a child face; but out of their reach.

But again, I was just numb. Not sad, not angry/bitter. Just numb. Not knowing how to feel at all.

On the way home from work on Friday, I got a flat tire. While sitting in the sweltering Florida heat, I made up my mind to not let any of this ruin my Shabbat. I called a Rabbi (teacher in a day school...not a congregational one) to give a last minute request to join them for a Friday night meal. He said no problem. When I was on my way again, I picked up a bottle of wine, and dropped it off at the home of Mr. & Mrs. S., and asked if I could join them for lunch the next day. They said no problem as well. I was dettermined to spend Shabbat with others and deal with my problems afterward.

On Friday night, the first surprise came when the son of the Rabbi also joined the meal. He used to also work for my old company, but after marriage and 3 children later, was laid off around a year ago. He was very encouraging and stated that the layoff had everything to do with the company, and not with me. His mother then told me that a friend of hers is really, really looking for a bookkeeper, and asked if I would allow her to give this friend my number. After hearing that it was an appliance company, I was doubtful. But then she said it was a frum company...I felt comfortable enough to let her go ahead and give my information.

Then during lunch, Mrs. S. inquired why I was not dating. I then (after some prodding), told her of my conversion struggles. She said to come back to her home for havdalah, and she would see what she could do. I was flattered, but surprised. The S.'s have only been in town for around 9 months. And Mrs. S. is....um, how should I say this..."emotional". Nott a bad thing...in fact I love it. My Grandmother is also emotional. However when talking to her, the small comments can cause her to open the floodgates.

So as promised, Motzai Shabbas, she called the rebbetzin, wife of the Av Beis Din. In no time, I had an appointment set up for 11:00 am the next morning!

The meeting went very well. Although the Rabbi was extremely busy (he has no secretary on Sundays), he listened to my story and seemed very, very empathetic. He asked me quick questions on my lifestyle and my history with the Jewish community. He asked if I was financially stable; then quickly added, not because he wanted money from me -- but because I would need to be able to support a Jewish lifestyle. He then said he would be looking at not how much knowledge I have, but application of what has been learned and committment. He then said he sees no problem in converting me. Ran down the costs of the mikveh and Beis Din and said all could be wrapped up in a few months!

That evening, I got a call from Chava -- the friend of the Rabbi how knew of the job opening. I set up an interview for Tuesday. Due to the stark differences between bookkeeping for an insurance company, and bookkeeping for an appliance store, I did not feel that the interview went well. But I still felt good; encouraged, that people were trying to help me. I also had several phone calls on my resume from other places. I secretly thought it would be nice to work for another Shomer Shabbas company, and liked the location (not too far from my old job). I had no doubt that Hashem would be looking out for me. I decided to spend time on studying Tomar Devorah and catching up on Tehillim.

On Tuesday night, Chava called me back and said that the owner of the company would like to take me on as an executive assistant. While he did not see me as a good match for the bookkeeper position, he needed someone who was knowledgable in a wide variety of areas to help him on managing multiple projects. I couldn't believe my ears! Also, it will be a little bit more that what I made before! I was just simply amazed!

My health benefits are good for another month, B"H. I plan to get new glasses and contacts and get some other things out of the way...

I won't have to dip into my severance pay due to the fact that I found another job so quickly!

I am just truly, truly amazed at how Hashem has held me up and carried me over the torrential river of depression, anger, and temptations. Even though things seemed very dark, I felt that it was wrong to just react to such pitfalls. Hashem was gracious enough to quickly affirm that I made the right decision.

For everyone that is hurting and asking "why?"; I encourage you to just breathe and wait. Open up a sefer. Spend extra time and attention on your davening. Keep in mind to place your neshama and all your troubles in Hashem's hands every night. Even if your back was turned to Hashem before, you can do teshuvah now...and the answers will come!

Obsession the movie...NOT the cologne!

Bezras Hashem, I'll be seeing this tonight :-)