Some things never really get easier

This afternoon I called our new Rabbi for my first shailah. Every Rabbi is different both in how he likes you to phrase the question and also how they answer. Some will wait patiently while you ramble and ramble (and ramble); and then glean out the important parts for you. Others will actively interrupt you to get the important details as you go along. I actually like the second approach better, because sometimes their patience silence makes me think I am leaving out something they need to know.

Anyway, my problem was that I was invited to a meal for the second day of Rosh Hashana by a woman who had just met me. Now her husband was generally familiar with me...and at some point I relayed my situation (because she probably asked). But I do not know if it was before or after the invitation. Although I knew of the problem then; I accepted the invitation because 1) I did not want to get in a halachaic discussion then and there -- especially since I didn't have a solution anyway and 2) I knew there was a way I could work around it, and she may not even know there was an issue.

So I asked the Rabbi what should I/could I do to prevent this woman from committing an aveirah. After taking some time to look into it, he suggested that I come before yontif to "take ownership" of the food I will be consuming; then if she cooks the food on yontif, "assist" in the cooking of "my food". Got it.

So after class, my phone rings...and it's a mysterious "private call". I came close to not even answering it...but I have a lot going on with business stuff for the sorority and are sorts of people are calling me right now from universities, so I decided to answer. It was my host for yontif! Great...now I can explain to her about what I need to do. This was far more difficult than posing the question to the Rabbi in the first place; however it sort of caught me off guard.

After talking a bit about directions and small talk, I brought up what I needed to do. She patiently listened to what I described...but did not really get the jist of what I was saying. I mean her reaction was kind of quaint; but it still put me into an awkward position. The following (paraphrased) ensued:

She: "But I thought you said you had a Reform conversion in FL?"
Me: "Oh I did"
She: "And it's documented?"
Me: "Yep"
She: "Then you are Jewish. Why do you need to do all of this?"
Me: "Well Reform conversions are not up to the standard that the Orthodox feel are acceptable...and I am fine with that, it is ok. So the Rabbi suggested that this is what I do."
She: "Well maybe he misunderstood you. Does he know about your Reform conversion?"
Me: "Uhhh.....mmmmmm...."
She: "Well if he knew, I'm sure everything would be fine..."
Me: "......"
She: "I mean Mr. ___ and his wife is going to be there. She is a gentile. She always eats at my house."
Me: {Oh boy}
Me: "No it's just the yom tovim that pose a problem..."
She: "Well I want you to be comfortable; so that's fine. I am totally kosher; my husband makes sure to that. And we all have our different customs. So please, you are welcome to come over any times and say your prayers that you need to say."
Me:?
Me: "Ok. Please, I am so thankful that you invited me; it is just a small thing...and in no way am I implying that I am not ok with joining you for a meal."
She: "Ok good. I still think it was pretty bold for the Rabbi to call you and tell you to do this."
Me: {uh-oh}
Me: "Oh no, no! I called him. I know about these issues, believe me."
She: "Oh ok. Well you shouldn't feel so bad. I mean G-d made all of us and loves all of us. I want you to be totally comfortable in my home..."

(and it when on for some more, but that was the recurring theme of our conversation basically)

This situation actually pains me; not because I have to set myself apart (I can deal with that)...but because I manage to both make people who are trying to be genuinely nice uncomfortable, and I am also spotlighting their unfamiliarity with halacha. Not that Jews should be intimately familiar with this halachot anyway; but it is very hard to convey that. Nonetheless I do it; because I am not going to be responsible for a Jew committing an aveirah (if I can possibly help it). Especially when the HKBH knows I know better.

But then again I would rather deal with this, than with a community filled with uber-shtark yidden who are afraid to get too friendly with "ex-whatevers". I am also very thankful for a Rabbi who is careful, mindful and patient -- which are always good signs.

Adventures in Kashrus - I

Dut-da-da-duh! Lookie what we have here:

Jamaican jerk sauce with a hechshure (parve). It came today (yes, I have sunk to ordering groceries online!). It doesn't really "move" like jerk sauce (instead it sort of reminds me of cheap maple syrup). But the ingredients look promising; and it's stamped as being "spicy & sweet". So they are on the right track there.

Authentic Jamaican jerk is almost impossible to pull off here in a standard kitchen. For one, it is barbecued in a hollowed out steel drum with wood that is sprinkled with pimento seeds. The meat is then peppered and basted while being grilled. It is pretty dry and crispy when it comes off of the grill. But the finisher is that the meat is moistened again by being topped off with Grace's ketchup -- which is a totally different beast than the "American" ketchups like Heinz or Hunts. It's orangy-red in color and thinner in consistency -- sort of like thick, old hot sauce I guess. But I have never seen Grace's ketchup here (even in Miami) and it's probably not kosher anyway. In spite of it being several years since eating authentic jerk, I will never forget what it is supposed to taste like...

So we'll see how good these folks do with trying to put that taste in a bottle. :-)

Smiras H'Lashon (an acknowledgement)

Sometime (all the time?) when I fire up my laptop to either blog, post to forums, or send messages on a list-serve, I am venting. Or on a soapbox, or however it should be referred to. In spite of this, I am not a natural complainer. I am, however, a bit of an alarmist (ok, I think I just made that word up) and see things all the time that concern me. Things like false information, humanistic apathy, blatant ignorance, and cruel intentions are things that I tend to "call out" -- not because I want to make anyone feel bad, or, G-d forbid, paint anyone in a bad light -- but rather because I feel that silence is a way of condoning such behavior.

I realize that this can be the wrong approach; and you learn how to pick your battles.

Since it is Elul, I am trying to make an effort to make some sort of cheshbon h'nefesh -- no matter how discouraging it may be. I saw this on Chesed Club (which is a great, South Florida-based website) a few days ago; and it is certainly worth spreading around...

TEN RULES OF SHMIRAS HALOSHON

Loshon Hora means the making of a derogatory or damaging remark to someone. The Torah forbids one to denigrate the behavior or character of a person or to make any remark that might cause physical, psychological or financial harm.

HERE ARE TEN BASIC RULES TO REMEMBER:

1. It is LOSHON HORA to convey a derogatory image of someone even if that is tre and deserved. (False derogatory statements are called MOITZI-SHEM-RA)
2. A statement which is not actually derogatory but can ultimately cause someone physical, financial, or emotional harm is also LOSHON HORA.
3. It is LOSHON HORA to humorously recount an incident that contains embarrassing or damaging information about a person even if there is not the slightest intent that they should suffer any harm or humiliation.
4. LOSHON HORA is forbidden even when you incriminate yourself as well.
5. LOSHON HORA cannot be communicated in any way, shape, or form (i.e; through writing, body language, verbal hints, etc.).
6. To speak against a community as a whole is a particularly severe offense. Harmful remarks about children are also LOSHON HORA.
7. LOSHON HORA cannot be relayed even to close relatives; including one's spouse.
8. Even if the listener has previously heard the derogatory account or the information has become public knowledge and the subject will suffer no further harm by its repetition, it nevertheless should not be repeated.
9. R’CHILUS, which is telling one person derogatory statements that another person said about them, is forbidden because it causes animosity between people.
10. It is forbidden to listen to LOSHON HORA or R’CHILUS. If someone inadvertently hears LOSHON HORA, it is forbidden to believe that it is true. One should give the person the benefit of the dougt. Assume the information is inaccurate or that the person does not realize they are doing something wrong.

NOTE: There are Ttimes when LOSHON HORA is permitted or even required, i.e; when warning a person about potential har, for example, a potential business or marriage partner. The questions of when you are allowed or even required to speak LOSHON HORA are complicated. A RABBINIC AUTHORITY WITH EXPERTISE IN THE FIELD OF SHMIRAS HALOSHON SHOULD BE CONSULTED IN ANY OF THESE CASES.

In an effort to personally come to a sort of reckoning in regards to this issue; I apologize to any person, or any community of whom I spoke bad about. Furthermore, I truly hope that any communications produced on my behalf have or will not cause feelings of hurt or ill will towards the Orthodox Jewish community. That would just kill me inside, and completely work against what I am personally striving towards. That goal is to accurately highlight Torah observant Judaism from my perspective. And that perspective is a positive one; for if it were not, I would not be sticking with it.

Well I had a weekly goal to try to go to sleep before midnight one night during the week; and tonight may just be that time. Laila tov :-)

jTunes

Well I am sort of surprised that I am bringing myself to blog about this topic; because I feel that there are some things about my persona that should be considered "off-limits" in respect to my desire to become a Jew. But then again that notion hearkens back to my Reform Judaism days...where you could pick and choose how you wish to apply Judaism. New rules apply now!

So the topic is music. I usually read something regarding Jewish music, get a little irritated, then move on. But that cycle has occurred way too often lately; like at least once per day. There is this article about the rapper Y-Love who is a real treasure to Am Yisrael (and I'm not talking only about his music). Then there is this lovely piece of work; which echos much of the same nonsense that follows:



Come on now...really???

But this is not just about me scoffing at such antics. Because, #1, I can fully appreciate the effect that music has over people. From being at hardcore shows where standing near the stage puts you at risk for a broken nose; to seeing women lose all of their dignity (and then some) during dancehall reggae parties. Music is powerful; and powerful things need to come with a warning label. And #2, I do respect (yes I do) the wisdom and foresight of those who are scholars and lovers of Torah; then they take that wisdom and guide Jews on how they should observe the Torah in today's world. Nevertheless, the aforementioned just does not sit well with me.

My music collection has a long way to go Jewish-wise. Even then, I enjoy ethnic Israeli (Sephardi?) music a tad more than the Miami Boys Choir or Avraham Fried. I like Matisyahu, Y-Love, and Blue Fringe more than all of them however. But that is not what I listen to everyday. I am usually listening to a Trojan Records album; or any random soul singer; maybe some old school R&B from the 70s, 80s or 90s. I also like new indie acts; like Metric, the White Stripes and Santogold.

So hmmm.....does is this place me at odds with the desire to become a Torah observant Jew?

I think it is a valid question; and I look at just one genre and how my spirituality has altered what I listen to and how I listen to it; and that genre is reggae. Reggae is actually pretty diverse; and there is a lot of it that is not fueled by Rastafarian dogma. In fact that is one reason why I do not listen to a lot of Bob Marley's music anymore. I mean Redemption Song and Exodus even Three Little Birds will always be classics in my book. But Rastaman Chant and Kaya...I think I will pass. But even "Rastafarian" music has themes that copy over to Judaism no problem; like Rivers of Babylon by the Melodians...which is an absolutely beautiful song and appears on Trojan's Rastafari Box Set (sung there by the Ronnie Davis however)...

By the rivers of Babylon
Where we sat down
There we wept
When we remembered Zion...

For the wicked
Carried us away...captivity
Requiring from us a song
How can we sing a song of joy in a
strange land?

So let the
Words of our mouths
and the meditations of our hearts
be acceptable in Thy sight
here tonight

Now this just one of...oh...maybe hundreds of reggae songs that are out there (yep, it is hundreds because Jamaica produces more recordings per capita than any other country) that meet these standards. But let me step out on another limb...and rant a bit about music that can't serve as psuedo-kosher music.

Like Al Green; I think that Al Green has somehow miraculously taken his soul and transformed a bit of it into sound waves. Somehow, I feel that he would, without a doubt, be thrown over into the "treif" music pile. So why is it I don't feel bad while listening to him? Sure, he sings about love, and feeling sad, and all sorts of other things that I can sympathize with. I have enough sense to realize (and I must say this...because some people don't) that Al Green is not singing about or to me. Which sort of brings up the notion of "kol isha"; which is the prohibition where Jewish men should not hear a woman who is not related to them sing. Actually, I do not have any issue with this...because the anti-feminist in me believes that most male minds work differently than most female minds do. And just like shomer negia (which applies to both sexes), it serves as a tangible reminder that being a Torah observant Jew means adhearing to a higher level of kedusha. With that being said, I respect and understand kol isha; but I am not going to think a Jewish man is a rusha because he listens to Barbara Streisand. Back to Al Green though...he is not a Jew (not that I know of) so there is no true shame that he does not conduct himself in accordance to the teachings of the Torah. He is talented; and I am very thankful that he is able to share his talents with the world.

And as far as those who feel Al Green and the like are sinful, shameful, and the pinnacle of complete talentless debauchary? Hmmm. Well I believe that your taste in music is similar to your taste in food. It may modify itself over time; but large and by far, you sort of grow into it. I mean some gerim and baalei teshuva may really dig Lipa Schmeltzer and The Chevra; and that's cool. I personally think they are pretty talented; but I don't they don't fit me like an old pair of bedroom slippers do. Which is why I am much happier with Matisyahu and Y-Love. But more than that, music is just sound and lyrics are just words and whatever does not sit right with me, I can't (and won't) sit there and be subjected to. That is why I don't listen to reggae that sings about puffing on gangja spliffs; or pop songs that are invitations to give anatomy lessons; or rap music that is about...u-hem...."lollipops"; or punk music that is about assasinating the president; or any type of music that encourages you to do some hokey dance (which would be The Macarena, or The Electric Slide or The Tootsie Roll or The Hokey Pokey...or any other of the plethora of songs, which, if they were never recorded, would have left the world a little better place).

My desire is for my yiras h'shmayim to be stronger than anything; including any bad influences from music. But then again, I am of the Jewish camp which does not equate things that are a product of goyim = bad. I fully admit, I still listen to some music that would really scare a lot of Jewish people. The list (slowly) gets smaller as time goes on; or maybe it's because I'm getting older as well. But it is sad to see Torah observant Judaism being used as justification to promote insularity and predjudice attitudes. Somehow, this just does not seem to do anything to combat the assimilation problem.

Hopefully, this will be my only post about this issue. I hope Moshiach will come soon and we can enjoy music of pure simcha to celebrate the rebuilding of the Beis HaMikdash.

Religious Intolerance

Well my website (which isn't even live) was hacked sometime over the weekend by the Moroccan Defender's of Islam (nope, that's not my site -- I fixed my site). I wonder if Islam has any concept of a "chillul Hashem"? Not to mention the strange name. Why must Islam be defended? And how does hacking my website help to defend Islam? Unless you just want to give some visibility to your cause. But you would probably get more exposure holding up some signs downtown during mid-day.

Despite these annoyances, I don't really feel the inherent ill will towards Arabs. I do not sympathize with them, and I think they have a lot to answer for to Hashem. But other than that, I don't cook up this inner hatred of them. I understand that the Arabs are a modern day tsuris to the Jews; but before them it was the Xtians. I also understand that living in Israel and seeing the day to day hardships tolerated just because the Palestinians are not happy is very, very trying. However, I cannot sink to treat or to think of any other group in a way that I would loathe to be treated or thought of.

Maybe that is a "problem" -- coming from a totally different group and trying, in adulthood, to align yourself with a new group. Currently, you may be totally assimilated into your new community. But you never forget (unless you amnesia I guess) what life was like for you "before". You don't feel like you are still a part of it (in my case, I wasn't really a part of anything), but you do remember what it felt like to "not" be what you currently are. In the case of Jews, this is a group of people who have never had it easy. Even today, when there are few, widespread physical threats to the Jewish People, we are now battling psychological battles with assimilation and possessing an inferiority status.

Back to the intolerance thing; I wonder what percentage of observant Jews in diaspora are good friends with any Muslims? I have two members on the national board of my sorority who are Muslim; one is Serbian, the other is Indian. I didn't know this (they aren't very religious) until both had to miss something due to a holiday. But even if they were religious, as long as I didn't hear any anti-semitic, racist dogma being revealed, I can not really see myself not being friends with them. I was also pretty humoured by how many Arab men in Florida had no issue dating Jewish women. I am pretty sure it did not go the other way around, but I remember while being out with a group of Jewish girlfriends (from my Reform days), they used to flirt a bit and then we would reveal that we were Jewish. They were hardly phased.

8 years ago, I remember that the College of Engineering (where I worked) at WVU hosted some sort of event that involved food. There was this stuff that tasted heavenly...it was like spiced ground meat in a pastry-type filling. It was made by the wife of a student who was a White man from WV who converted to Islam. I was still hoping to convert to [Reform] Judaism, so I was just in awe of how he made such a drastic change himself. I was pretty green back then, but I was very clear about my interest in Judaism and both he and his wife (who was born Muslim) seemed very encouraging - sharing their experiences as well. I don't know..maybe they were green too.

Judaism classically teaches that there is more than one path to righteousness (as long as you stay within the 7 mitzvot for Bnei Noach; although I am confused as to rather or not adherants to other faiths can ever, truly be "good" Bnei Noach). Yet Jews seem to have a pretty low opinion of those who are not Jewish; while at the same time being half-apologetic for practicing Judaism. I guess that is why I really enjoy Y. Sofer in Eretz Yisrael, because he really practices Judaism like it's the best thing since sliced bread. There was a story he told regarding trying to make a kosher suedah in Jamaica sometime in the 1970s. Shaare Shalom brought in kosher meat from Miami, only to have the Jews of the congregation cook it in the old treif pots. "Dis 'ere a BASIC kashrus man! Unnu nah have one lick a sense; pyre vegatable and fish ya haffe nyam affa righta now, you nah seyit?"

Being a Torah observant Jew is not easy, but I wonder if there were a slight (just a slight) shift in attitude, that one aspect, the relationship with our non-Jewish neighbors, improve. This is not about extending the olive branch. It's more about seeing the humanity present all around us. I don't know if it's because I'm a convert-in-training or what the story is, but my old non-Jewish co-workers used to flock to me for any sort of Jewish question that popped into their minds. I would rather they have not did this, because there were plenty of other Jews around they could have asked; but somehow that didn't happen. Some were good questions...like "What's the difference between Sukkot, Sukkas and Shabbas?"...and then some were ridiculous like "Do Jews really have sex with a sheet between them?". As weird and awkward as all of that was, I would like to think that Jewish people lost a bit of their "alien status" and just a bit more understanding was established there. Now I have a new job with one co-worker who wears a "Jesus is my King" type t-shirt every other day and two other co-workers who have pastors in their immediate families and discuss the latest revival events. I am hoping no round of questions come my way this time...but it may be inevitable.

I guess that's ok; as long as I can ask questions about their religions as well.

Tell Me About It In The Morning, Ok?

School started last week; and from the looks of it, I should be able to (IY"H) pull off this 18-credits + a-30-hour-work-week thing. Today I was my first day back and the first time I've seen my boss since she left on vacation 16 days ago. I came in armed with my print out of the month of October from Chabad.org. Yes, you are not reading that incorrectly...there are 3 weeks when I need two days off back to back. Awwww...I knew you would understand! I can work 9-hour days to make up for it, no problem. And no, I can't be reached on my cell phone...I'm very sorry.

B"H, that religious people can even exercise these rights with their employers nowadays!

If only it were so easy to explain the Jewish calendar to those who are not your employers. I received an e-mail from a friend from my old college days (waay back from when I was on campus) regarding Fantasy Football. Hmmmm...whatever that is. On one hand, I can't be coy...I know why he contacted me. I grew up with football. Plaxico Burress, Charlie Batch, and Willie Parker are in my extended family (as proudly told to me by my Grandmother). I went to two high schools that had powerhouse football programs. On top of that, I was in the marching band, so I was required to attend every game. As I moved through high school, some of my very good friends became starters; so it became "personal". Then I could begin to appreciate the talent present in professional level football. Then came college...

A person can never overestimate the importance that the football program of West Viriginia University holds over the school, the students, and the state. I actually did play in the Pride of West Viriginia (the university marching band) for 1 season, but it was waay to intense for me. Band practice at 8 am on a Saturday was not my idea of fun at all. I very much preferred the following year of making the trek to Milan Puskar stadium sipping beers that didn't need coolers because it was super cold/windy/snowy outside anyway. Sitting around with 60,000 other fans (or foes) being as entertained by what going on in the stands as what is going on with the game. Football started to appear almost like a chess match. I could pick out the positions and anticipate the calls. You began to recognize the plays. I never got into remembering statistics, but at least I could match the number on the jersey to the player.

I was probably one of the few women my friends knew who could do this, so I guess this is why I stuck out in his mind as a pick to participate in Fantasy Football?

So I sent an IM back on AIM, "Ummm...thanks, but I don't really have the time for all of that right now" (which is true).
Reply: "Oh it's cool. Hey are you going to homecoming?"
Response: "What? Where, in Morgantown?"
Reply: "Yeah. I think it's on Oct. 11"
Response: "That's a Saturday?"
Reply: "Yeah."
Response: "Oh surely not :-)"
Reply: "Why? You can get tickets since you're a student now. Don't have to go to the scalpers like I do."
Response: "Ok...do you want mine then?"
Reply: "No, they check your ID. Thanks though. So are you planning to go to any other games?"
Response: "Not really."
Reply: "Oh how come."
Response: "Aren't they all on Saturdays just about?"
Reply: "Yeah. Except for the Pitt game which is Friday."
Response: "Yeah. No. :-)"
Reply: "What...you're going to miss the Backyard Brawl!?!"
Response: "_____, Fridays/Saturdays are the Jewish Sabbath..."

Then commenced some more explaining revolving around why going to a football game would be a problem on Shabbat...

Just to verify I checked the upcoming football schedule for WVU. And yes, just about every game was on a Saturday. But even if one fell on a Sunday or something, I honestly do not know if I could get motivated to attend. In fact, probably not. It's weird, because if I had TiVo, I would record the games and watch them (surely before watch the Steelers). But dealing with being in a football stadium -- I would have to pass. It's funny, because I only have the greatest memories of going to the games. And I still love football. It's something else.

I recognize that waves of pure irrationality sweep throughout large crowds. Here you have 11 college athletes on a 100-yard field. They are surrounded by thousands upon thousands of people whose extreme happiness or extreme disappointment/frustration is dependent upon them. I guess I will "go there" and wonder out loud if it is all nothing but a form of avodah zarah -- one of the biggest no-nos a Jew can do. What we have is a modern-day Coliseum (no pun intended...in that WVU does in fact have a "coliseum" where they play basketball games) where the humanity of those being watched is stripped away. Are they elevated to being worshipped as demigods? Or are they being degraded to the point where their own well being is only secondary to the much desired victory? Whatever the case, it seems...it just feels so "twisted".

So I guess if I did want to get swept up in a mob-type mentality along with 60,000 other people, I would not want to do it for the sake of cheering on a football team.

I did not watch the Olympics either (just couldn't change my schedule and stop what I was doing to watch them I guess), but at least with the Olympics, you sometimes get a little insight into the athletes. I thought it was fantastic that Jamaica won so many gold medals...because I get tired of the continuous bad rep the island seems to get (so it's great to see the world cheering them on). But I hardly felt bad that I did not see them competing. Just tell me the outcome...and I hope they win in the end.

So I wish the Mountaineers an excellent season in 2008. I'll be checking the highlights on Sundays.

Well Before November...

Let me just get this out of my system now...before November comes.

Once upon a time...when I lived in a "frum shteibel" (in a land far, far away), I had quite a few frum neighbors who were staunch, passionate Republicans. These were/are good friends of mine. However Shabbos was undoubtedly a time where you would discuss current affairs and hear about the latest drech the Democrats were involved in.

So there is me; a lifelong Democrat*, just smiling and biting my tongue really. In part because I was not as well-versed as my friends in all the gory political details...but mostly because I do not feel that politics should be discussed on Shabbat (hakodesh vs. hachol).

But I do understand that it is deeply ingrained into the Jewish psyche (maybe even on a "spiritual" level) to be sensitive to the ways of gentile leaders under which they live. There is even a bracha to be said upon seeing a powerful gentile leader (shenatan meechvodo l'vashar v'adam). There is also an opinion out there that when a non-Jewish nation is tolerant of the Jews in their midst...that nation flourishes. But even outside of the frum world, there is the recognition of the importance (real or perceived) of the "Jewish vote" and "Jewish politics" (like in this Jim Lehrer piece on Faith & Politics -- a good article, although I find those little headshots to be unbelievably unflattering!). Secular Jews also seem to have adopted the "religion" of education/business/politics as an outlet to release their pent-up energies to make a difference somehow in olam hazeh.

Nevertheless, I just can't get into it. To me, political choices may be influenced somewhat by your religion...but it should not have the main control. I believe that is why the founding fathers of this country saw the importance of having the separation between "church & state". There are only two main political parties in the U.S.; and it is impossible for one or the other, in my own humble opinion, to completely satisfy the political ideologies of the vast majority of Americans -- including Jews.

Not to mention that American Jews are incredibly diverse -- in spite of what the media says. Their priorities are diverse...their backgrounds are diverse...their personal economics are diverse. Is it realistic to think that any politician could cater to the needs of all "American Jews"? Is it realistic to think that any politician would not be paying careful attention to the millions of Americans out there who feel that the United States needs to pull the purse strings from Israel? Is it realistic to think that every US President will place priority status on the needs of Jews and that AIPAC will always be there saving the day?

And what about what we daven for every day? The dawn of the messianic era where we will once again build the Beis Hamikdash. Isn't the eventual manifestation of Hashem's divine plan just a bit bigger than who wins the presidential election in the U.S. in 2008? Will any of this prevent the eventual war of Gog v'Magog? Our actions yield the type of environment in which we live but does not change what Hashem has laid out to happen. Disastrous things have happened when the Jews placed to much faith in outside powers and the ability of other nations to sustain them. History has a way of repeating itself -- we should tread carefully.

With all this being said, I will be supporting Barack Obama in November; no debates...no insults on my intelligence...please. As a citizen of the United States, I wish to select a President that will be the best choice for this country overall. The Jewish nation is very fortunate...in that they do not need to rely on limited human judgment to pick their ultimate leader...HKBH. Other than that, I am not concerned with how other American Jews vote...or what their reasonings are. Politics is just another, unnecessary device which can be put in place to divide the Jewish nation. It's really not cool; there other more pressing issues that we have to deal with in today's world.

* - officially, I consider myself a Democratic Socialist; a political platform I discovered in college -- but fell tacit about being that I was living in South Florida where everything smelling of communism was equated with the devil it seemed. Outside of that, I am so embarrassed at how most Democrats have thrown morality out the window and have the nerve to justify it with the wishy-washy notions of "personal freedom" and "choice". (And no...I am not just talking about abortion here). I am also a bit leery of the eagerness of fundamental Xtians desire to form an alliance with religious Jews. Jews should (in my opinion) not be so quick to believe that the politics of the Xtian right aligns itself perfectly with the politics of the Jewish right. Maybe I'm paranoid...

Where to End -- Where to Begin

So I read this amazing post on a Simple Jew's blog; and I kid you not...the last two mornings I have been thinking about this. But I never dreamed I would actually be writing about this...but here I go...

My davening is a problem. I do not know when it happened or how it happened. Well; I guess that is not entirely true. I was not really davening on a daily basis when I was in the hospital. When I was released...I was re-united with the interlinear siddur my Hebrew teacher gave me. For some reason, it confused me and tripped me up a couple times. In between pain and therapy and no sort of set schedule...my daily tefillah schedule came totally off track. I used the excuse that I was a woman and...whatever...what I say is what I could say. G-d would understand.

But the yetzer hara is such a slick little bugger -- a little turns into a lot, and before I knew it I was down to the Shema and the Amida - sans any extra brachot - sans any special attention that I was saying each and every word. What a long, sad cry from how I would stand viewing the morning outside my patio window...with careful consideration and attention given to HKBH all the way from Brachot H'shachar to Aleinu...to a thoughful Birkat Hamazon....to a Shema al Hamittah said without dozing off/zoning out.

You would think (and I am disappointed that) when things turn to be tough, you develop more kavannah and a stronger bond with Hashem. Unfortunately I am sad to say that I let emotional hurt and other various difficulties hover like a cloud which just blocked out my spiritual connection. In the grand scheme of things...there was no reason for that. Despite my own lack of acknowledgment, I have still received many brachos during this time. My life, my ability to return to college (finally!), my understanding job and modest insurance settlements (that appropriately were just enough to take care of my needs at the time), as well as being placed in an environment that is much healthier for my emotional well being.

When you are coming from being a secular individual...and moving towards being a Torah-observant Jew, you have a lot of different milestones and measuring sticks were you must mark your progress. Sometimes it seems hopelessly easy -- other times you just can't understand why you just plateau. Then there are situations like this where you slip and you need to backtrack and do it all over again basically...

So 2 weeks ago I brought a small Ohel Sarah (Women's) Artscroll Siddur. It's a much more use able format. I am back to allotting anywhere from 30 to 45 minutes for davening in the morning. I make a conscious effort to go to bed as opposed to "falling" into bed from exhaustion. It's time to make tefillah a priority again; I just wish for Hashem to bear with me while I sort out all the logistics.

3rd Great-Grandaughter of Charles Jones

And who is "Charles Jones"? Charles Jones was a slave - born around 1825 and in 1870 (the earliest census he could be found on) was living in Flat Creek Township in Lancaster County, SC with his wife, Phillis.

I found this out this past weekend. It was the 3rd annual Jones Family Reunion and they were holding it up here, in Pennsylvania this time. I could not attend the bulk of the events (like the church service in the church my great-grandmother founded or the dinner/banquet thing). But I did go to the picnic this past Sunday at Renziehausen Park. That's where I got a t-shirt, a family history book, and a name tag that read "3rd Great-Grandaughter" while my Grandfather (who got $25 for being the oldest family member there) got a name tag that read "Great-Grandson".

I did not know the reference point at all. Until I started reading the book. Charles Jones had 10 children; most of them, we have no idea about. Charles Jones, Jr. was his 5th child and was my Great-Grandmother's father. Here's my Great-Grandmother, Lillie:
At some point, she moved from Monroe, NC (Anna Blakeney, her mother moved there after her husband died) to Clairton, PA. Her twins, Mary & Martha were born in Union County, NC in 1924, and my Grandfather, Robert was born in Clairton in 1927.

So the reason why I bring this up is because I was asked this past Shabbos about what my family thinks about my choice to become a Jew. Never do I get the impression that this question is asked out of anything but genuine concern and curiosity. However, I often times wonder just how I should answer that question; without sounding trite. The average Black American family has a slew of other, much more pressing concerns regarding their children -- outside of their choice of religion. Black parents have to deal with a sea of negative influences in their community that can pull their children into teenage pregnancy, crime, substance abuse, and overall hopelessness and lack of faith in leading a productive life. I am surely not saying that White American families do not have these problems to deal with. It is just that for many more Black families...these issues hit closer to home.

During the OU's Tisha B'Av presentation, Rabbi Weinreb talked a bit about a class he gave to non-Jews; and mentioned that there were several Black women in this class. And he said, "...like many Black women, they knew their bible very well.". I mean it was just a quick blurb...but I wonder what his experience were that prompted that comment?

I have also heard it said that Black people are very "spiritual"...whatever that means. I guess I would agree that I do not know of that many (maybe no) Black atheists. I do not proscribe to blanket statements...but I have seriously never heard of a Black family disowning a child because they became a Muslim or a Buddhist or anything of the sort. Now they will talk about you until no end...but they will still consider you family. Unless you owe them money; then they will not need to disown you, because you will mysteriously disappear from off the face of the earth...

In spite of all these religious underpinnings of the Black community...I must admit that I avoid a lot of opposition on the basis of ignorance. Most Black people know very, (very) little about bona-fide, Torah observant Judaism. I also see no real need to educate them on it. You hear talk in the media about all of this Black antisemitism...but I do not buy it for a second. #1 - the Black community at large is not practicing the same type of Xtianity that incorporated anti-Jewish sentiments. #2 - Many Black Americans are just anti-everything; in that they have some axe to bury with anyone who is not Black.

Anyway, back to my own family, I feel like we are a sea of question marks...with little tokens of our past...but mainly focused on the future. The Scotts (the family that did the bulk of the genealogical research) did a lot of work to just find the information regarding these past 5 generations. Growing up, my family always just "stopped" with those members who migrated up North. Now I don't know how many people are in this book...maybe 400-500 -- but that is really just the decedents of two of Charles Jone's children and about 5 of his Grandchildren. And by far, it's just a list of names, birth dates and places (my great-aunt Estelle, Lillie's sister, was properly noted as having had died in Israel in 1971). What are the stories behind those names? I know there is a cousin, Tiffany Glenn, that married Plaxico Burress (wide receiver who played in the last Super Bowl) and there apparently are some cousins in Philadelphia who became Muslims (names are Shaheed, Nadirah, Taalib and Sameerah Shabazz). Only G-d knows where the rest of us ended up...or will end up in life.

I wish I knew a bit more about the Kabbalistic explanation of yichus. I mean what on earth type of yichus do you have when you are descended from a piece of property (or 1/4 of a human being or whatever the US government regarded slaves as back then)? Not that I even entertain notions of inferiority; I would hope to take on the yichus of Avraham v'Sarah. However it sort of puts in perspective the influence a birth family ultimately yields on the life of gerim -- curiously, very little.

*Note - re-reading this, I can see how this can be interpreted as me not being proud of my family. Nothing could be further from the truth. However I do not feel, nor does my family feel, pressure to adhere to any sort of family legacies...

Wait, I don't get it!

Ok, so it's the month of Av; the sad, mournful month. There is a prohibition to not listen to instrumental music from the 17th of Tammuz, until the 9th of Av (actually, into the first half of the 10th of Av as well). Quite frankly, I dread this period. I love music....and play it everywhere. When I was in Miami though, I could deal with it by listening to the shiurim CDs you could pick up for free in the shuls and in the Judaica shops. Yes, I would get a lot of aural Torah learning done during this period.

However this year it's different. Here I am without my CDs and my books. Talk radio was beginning to curdle my stomach, so I took a stroll down to Pinsker's the other day to get some CDs. I was pretty surprised to see that they had very few recorded shiurim on CD. What!? Not even some stuff from Rebbetzin Tzipporah Heller?

I did not want to leave empty handed, so I headed over to the section of "acapella" CDs. Being a musician of sorts, I know what acapella is...and it doesn't really have too much of a pull on me (unless it's Boyz II Men...see below!). Nonetheless, I got A.K.A. Pella 2 which had some good reviews. While it is not my favorite CD of all time, it is quite listenable. Maybe too much so. While no instruments may have been used, it sure does sound like it. Or some sort of synthesized, computerized "stuff". In addition, there seems to be no prohibition on the subject matter of the music...just on the musical instruments part. But modern singing techniques mirror a lot of the sound effects musical instruments make (or maybe it's always been that way).

So here I am, driving along, listening to my "acapella" CD; and also wondering, honestly, what exactly is going on here? Yes, maybe if you grow up frum, the halacha becomes internalized...and you know all the "do nots"...but what about the intention behind the halacha? I am not scrutinizing those Yidden who have always been Torah observant; and I fully admit my feelings probably have root in the fact that I am not well-versed in halalcha. However, I do sort-of-kind-of remember Rabbi Yossi not particularly agreeing with listening to acapella music during the three weeks (again, do not quote me on that!). Thousands of Torah-observant Jews fully enjoy acappella music during this time...so who am I to judge?

It's during times like these, I wish I had a Rav to talk to...just to get musings like this explained. Oh, it's very, very hard to come in from outside the frum world and internalize all this stuff. Sometimes I don't even know where to begin!

Now as a treat, here's some Boyz II Men; don't worry, it's a totally kosher song!

Tznius Shopping Revisited

Well I am trying to rebuild my wardrobe again. When I came up to Pennsylvania, I had very few clothes with me. Now that I am working, I need to buy clothes!

My initial impression from how things were 2 years ago...it is not as easy to just go to general stores and find tznius clothing. The common style now is show as much as possible either with really short mini skirts or shirts that could double as lingerie. Yep, gone are the days where you could by a long flowing skirt from Urban Outfitters. Couple that with the fact that I am on a budget...and I am noticing that my options are pretty limited.

Well I had a discount coupon for Soft Surroundings Outlet for 10% off any order over $50.00. I brought 3 tops and some lip gloss for around $56. Here's what my tops look like:


I got the one with the rose on it in two different colors.

I was also determined to get a long denim skirt (I also want a denim jacket, but I have yet to find one that I like). I just simply could not believe the pricing on some of these skirts; both at the Jewish and non-Jewish stores. I really did not want to pay more than $50 for a casual skirt. Although the listing is not comprehensive, I started with the Modest Clothes Directory where I found a site called Nutmeg. Although their selections was not fantastic (as is the case with many of the Jewish stores) I found a the denim skirt shown below on sale for $30. Shipping was only $7 and they use PayPal for payment...where I discovered I had $9 sitting in my PayPal account. So my final cost was $27.


Also, I was not planning on getting a dressier skirt, but I saw a very interesting piece at Newport News on clearance, and I just couldn't resist. The skirt below was only $24.99!

They also had a lot of other long skirts on sale as well.

While I did not purchase anything from them, I discovered some great new sites such as Style J, and Christa Taylor. Yes...this is definitely to be continued!

*Disclaimer* - Observant Jews are currently holding in the 3 weeks - a period from the 17th of Tammuz until the 9th of Av that includes some restrictions on certain activities...including buying new clothes. These laws are even more particular from Rosh Chodesh Av until the 9th of Av. I am cognizant of these halachos, but since I am not Jewish yet and more importantly outside of the community, I am not bound by them. IY"H, one day...one day!

Ah-ha

Well I have not updated this blog for a long, long time. A lot of that is because my account "expired" and I had to go hunting through my e-mail to find the link where I could re-activate it.

Well what can I say...I did not convert..."yet". I guess I put that into quotation marks because I have some pretty big obstacles to overcome before I can get to that point. The first thing is that I was in a bad car accident and laid up in the hospital for about 3 weeks. I broke my leg and my hip. Although the accident was not my fault, I really didn't get too much money out of it, because the man that caused it had no insurance. But B"H, I am alive. But I could not maintain my living situation. I gave up my apartment and moved back to Pennsylvania so that my family could take care of me. So yeah...I am quite removed from the Jewish community at this point. Therefore my conversion is on indefinite hold.

Also it doesn't look like I'll be in a position to move anytime soon. I am back in school...and hoping to finish by summer of 2009. Then I am hoping to go to graduate school at Chatham University (which is actually located in/near Pittsburgh's Jewish community...Squirrel Hill). As for work, I start a new job on Monday in Belle Vernon (south of me...so even further from the community) and the pay is not all that great at all. However I've been collecting unemployment for a while...and it will eventually run out. Plus I need to get some sort of benefits going already.

So that's my situation. I have difficulty walking, so perhaps all this is needed. Just G-d's way of telling me that I'm not quite ready. :-) I am thinking about going to Gemillas Chesed...an orthodox congregation in White Oak tonight...just to check it out. I must admit I went to a Conservative synagogue two weeks ago and I didn't feel comfortable at all. So I'm still very, very torn about what to do for this upcoming year.

Labels Are For Tupperware

Ok, I have come to the conclusion that I just don't like the term "Orthodox Jew". I will continue to use it...for clarity sake (and sometimes saying "Torah-observant") is just too cumbersome. However there is not too much flattering about the term "Orthodox". Just the sound of it takes notions of compassion, intelligent decision-making, and tolerance and throws them out the window.

Unfortunately, I think it effects those being labeled as well. If you embrace your label, then you embrace the limitations that the label presents. Without getting into fine details, I feel that there are certain actions that an Orthodox Jew would not engage in that a just-plain-regular Jew who is shomer mitzvot would. Nothing against halacha mind you; but things such as hanging out with your Puerto Rican neighbors to go watch the Superbowl -- things like that.

I'm sorry, this post is going to be very short; because somehow I feel I am beating a dead horse. That and I am dead tired myself. It just feels good to say that I am not looking to be an "Orthodox Jew" one day; just a Jew who is serious about her avodas Hashem and adherence to mitzvot. That's my real goal folks. Laila tov!

HaBoker Or!

Again, I apologize for my absence.

I should say that week of October 15th - October 21st, was a major trial and blow to my spirit. It started off with finding out that a Rabbi who mentioned he would "help me" then changed his tune. Then I got splashed in the face with a bucket of cold water when a friend of mine brought up the fact that my giyoret status, while fine with Hashem, will be a big mark against me for many things the rest of my life; so perhaps it was meant to be that I not even do it. Then another friend suggested a Rabbi to me for sponsorship. I talked to him for a while; and what he said to me were the first encouraging words I had ever heard from a Rabbi regarding this. But he still wanted to study with me...and for a fee as well. It was not something that I could afford. Then on Friday, I was laid off from my job.

Driving home Friday, I was just numb. With each thought I questioned my worth. I wondered where I had gone wrong. No doubt, I have a lot of improvements to make on myself...on my intentions and in my kavannah in tefillot and mitzvot. I remember how during Rosh Hashanah, everyone was so positive -- wishing me well. And I was positive as well! I remember going through Yom Kippur; and unlike last year, I was not "suffering" from boredom and hunger. I was really into my davening, and stayed for every service. I remember going through Sukkot and Simchat Torah, feeling real joy and really a part of the community. And then, it seemed to crash down. Like a cruel joke -- where you dangle the much wanted lollipop in front a child face; but out of their reach.

But again, I was just numb. Not sad, not angry/bitter. Just numb. Not knowing how to feel at all.

On the way home from work on Friday, I got a flat tire. While sitting in the sweltering Florida heat, I made up my mind to not let any of this ruin my Shabbat. I called a Rabbi (teacher in a day school...not a congregational one) to give a last minute request to join them for a Friday night meal. He said no problem. When I was on my way again, I picked up a bottle of wine, and dropped it off at the home of Mr. & Mrs. S., and asked if I could join them for lunch the next day. They said no problem as well. I was dettermined to spend Shabbat with others and deal with my problems afterward.

On Friday night, the first surprise came when the son of the Rabbi also joined the meal. He used to also work for my old company, but after marriage and 3 children later, was laid off around a year ago. He was very encouraging and stated that the layoff had everything to do with the company, and not with me. His mother then told me that a friend of hers is really, really looking for a bookkeeper, and asked if I would allow her to give this friend my number. After hearing that it was an appliance company, I was doubtful. But then she said it was a frum company...I felt comfortable enough to let her go ahead and give my information.

Then during lunch, Mrs. S. inquired why I was not dating. I then (after some prodding), told her of my conversion struggles. She said to come back to her home for havdalah, and she would see what she could do. I was flattered, but surprised. The S.'s have only been in town for around 9 months. And Mrs. S. is....um, how should I say this..."emotional". Nott a bad thing...in fact I love it. My Grandmother is also emotional. However when talking to her, the small comments can cause her to open the floodgates.

So as promised, Motzai Shabbas, she called the rebbetzin, wife of the Av Beis Din. In no time, I had an appointment set up for 11:00 am the next morning!

The meeting went very well. Although the Rabbi was extremely busy (he has no secretary on Sundays), he listened to my story and seemed very, very empathetic. He asked me quick questions on my lifestyle and my history with the Jewish community. He asked if I was financially stable; then quickly added, not because he wanted money from me -- but because I would need to be able to support a Jewish lifestyle. He then said he would be looking at not how much knowledge I have, but application of what has been learned and committment. He then said he sees no problem in converting me. Ran down the costs of the mikveh and Beis Din and said all could be wrapped up in a few months!

That evening, I got a call from Chava -- the friend of the Rabbi how knew of the job opening. I set up an interview for Tuesday. Due to the stark differences between bookkeeping for an insurance company, and bookkeeping for an appliance store, I did not feel that the interview went well. But I still felt good; encouraged, that people were trying to help me. I also had several phone calls on my resume from other places. I secretly thought it would be nice to work for another Shomer Shabbas company, and liked the location (not too far from my old job). I had no doubt that Hashem would be looking out for me. I decided to spend time on studying Tomar Devorah and catching up on Tehillim.

On Tuesday night, Chava called me back and said that the owner of the company would like to take me on as an executive assistant. While he did not see me as a good match for the bookkeeper position, he needed someone who was knowledgable in a wide variety of areas to help him on managing multiple projects. I couldn't believe my ears! Also, it will be a little bit more that what I made before! I was just simply amazed!

My health benefits are good for another month, B"H. I plan to get new glasses and contacts and get some other things out of the way...

I won't have to dip into my severance pay due to the fact that I found another job so quickly!

I am just truly, truly amazed at how Hashem has held me up and carried me over the torrential river of depression, anger, and temptations. Even though things seemed very dark, I felt that it was wrong to just react to such pitfalls. Hashem was gracious enough to quickly affirm that I made the right decision.

For everyone that is hurting and asking "why?"; I encourage you to just breathe and wait. Open up a sefer. Spend extra time and attention on your davening. Keep in mind to place your neshama and all your troubles in Hashem's hands every night. Even if your back was turned to Hashem before, you can do teshuvah now...and the answers will come!

Obsession the movie...NOT the cologne!

Bezras Hashem, I'll be seeing this tonight :-)

New Online Forum For Orthodox Jews-of-Color!!!

Yes, I think my eyes may be bigger than my stomach here, but I created a web forum for minority Orthodox Jews because I tried to search for a similar community and came up with zilch - nada. Currently there are only 6 members, but it is only 2 days old. Plus it's a pretty rare sight to see an Orthodox Jew-of-Color; in real life or virtually. So I'm putting the word out there!

http://www.shonasporch.com/brownjewsforum

Be advised that everyone is welcome to join, but the forum is coming from the Orthodox viewpoint.

And this concludes this advertisement. Now back to our regularly scheduled programming...

I Want New Eyes

Shalom & toda to all of the people who leave a positive comment or a thought. I'm very flattered that people are still checking this blog out, even though I don't seem to write as often as I used to. You are my strength. Again, thank you.

The shalosh shavuot are hitting me hard. I feel, quite frankly, that Hashem is far right now. I took on the neder to actually pronounce my words in my tefillot (instead of running through them), and being careful to include new cholim and of course Eretz Yisrael in my prays. But I am so worried, I can hardly say the word "kavannah" much less apply it. :-(

I know myself. I know that I have a tendecy to "over-thing" and "over-analyze". I wish I could divuldge some of the major things on my mind, but they contain lashon hara, and I cannot "go there"; especially not now...

I am worried about the state of Klal Yisrael. In the Torah, it states quite clearly that the Jews must observe the the laws of Hashem in order to thrive in the land. What a quandry, since the "State of Israel" is far from a land where the Jews have embraced Torah. Yet, the Gedolim and many of our leading Yeshivot are there. Why bring them into strife, dissonance and hate? Have their efforts not merited for Israel to be victorious? I know that the decision is ultimately Hashem's. We can just humbly ask. But the Jews cannot take another Holocaust. We cannot lose even more of our Torah leaders in such a short amount of time.

All this goes on, I am also worried about myself. No one is going to attack my physical, corporal being here in Miami and the grounds of being Jewish. Why should they, since I am not. I feel like a cripple; somehow so concern with a cause that is not mine. Aching over a land which is not mine. What can I do? Not to seem like a drama queen, but emotionally I'm climbing the walls over this whole conversion thing. You react, think act, speak, etc. - like a frum Jew, yet you are totally not. I feel out of line. I feel out of synch with the world around me. I feel like I don't quite fit into this world at all.

Will something magical happen once I emerge from the mikveh (if, IY"H, I ever make it there)? Will I instantly find my center and acceptance? Hardly not; and I no that. But still there will be no doubt in my mind. Still I can speak, and go, and think of h'Eretz Yisael v'Am Yisrael as mine. It sounds so selfish. It sounds so presumptious. Perhaps G-d doesn't like it. But he's not really giving me to much feedback here. Ah, he probably is, but I'm not opening up my eyes and heart to it. I'm trying, but it's frozen shut.

Maybe I'm trying too hard????

Trying too hard to understand this situation which is me. Hashem controls my destiny, but I have to put in motion the right actions. But I don't know what to do - I seriously have no clue. Why give me the bracha to live among frum Yidden, but have them forget about me? Why give me the bracha to learn with brillant Rabbonim who don't respond to my phone calls? Why give me the bracha to visit Eretz Yisrael without really being a Jew. I do not get it.

Asking The Right Question

As much as I would like to write about Israel right now, I just can't. I get breathless thinking about it. The awe in watching Hashem twist our world around in front of our very eyes...

So I'll speak about me. LOL, why not, it's my blog nachon?

On Tuesday I was engaged in a conversation with a young man my age who is also looking to convert. It is still pretty early in his journey, and he comes from a much more religious Xtian background than I did. Nonetheless, we found ourselves agreeing on many points, questions and experiences. After telling me about his journey the inevitable question came my way:

How did you get interested in Judaism?

(My appologies if I am re-hashing something said in a previous post; I didn't really take the time to look and see if I talked about this already; so please bear with me!)

Ok, first I should say that the question in itself does not bother me. So don't stop asking me, I really don't mind it! But sometimes something about the situation does. Of course, in the real world, I never let this on. I have my well rehearsed and performed answer ready (which I will not recount here - sorry). But deep down I feel like I'm hiding something. I feel like I'm making myself the star of the show, and really, it is just not the case.

Judaism (in traditional thought at least) has never doubted that the Creator has influenced and continues to influence the world that we know. But often it is thought of on the grand scale; not so much the individual. I think I am worried that I would sound like "a nut" - if I divuldged the belief that Hashem has pretty much molded my life out for me; I am just along for the ride. Yes, I have free will - I am not a puppet. And I definitely do have full responsibility for my actions. Also Hashem is not going to decend onto my body out in the woods somewhere and make me a Jew; I will need to take the proper steps to make that happen. But even the biggest control freak in the world cannot totally influence all the people and phenonema that interact with them. That is the amazing part of my story; that is what I wish to really convey sometimes.

So back to "the question" (because I feel this would be the perfect medium to explore a more accurate answer of "Why I Want To Be Jewish" {or however you want to state it}). Actually, I don't know if anyone will ever state 'it' they way I feel 'it' should be stated; and if I do, I would agree to stand out on the road in an eagle costume holding up a sign for tax return services (next year - and if you read this blog, you don't count). And that question would be, "How Has Hashem Helped You In Finding Your True Place?" Understand I have not converted yet; and chas v'shalom, if I were to not live past tommorrow, then musings about "Why Is She (of all people) a Jew?" would be moot. So it's only proper to address the present in my case. Just like some children like the taste of bananas and some don't; just like how some adults like to ski, and others would rather be sunbathing, (etc., etc.) - we all have different activities that we engage it that "just feel right" that "make us content". Sure some of these preferences are influenced by our environment; but many are not. It is just how we are. For example, I was born and raised in SW Pennsylvania; plenty of snow and ice and cold there in the wintertime. And I could not stand it. And I never got used to it. And I lived there 20+ years! Yet my Grandmother loves the wintertime. Different strokes for different folks.

Here's a interesting, but perfectly normal tidbit about me; Judaism was not my first or even preferred preference of belief after I had doubts about the church [I was raised in]. At first I would try other churches. Then I took a quick gander at Judaism; but it was too small a group and there were no Jews around me anyway. Then there was a time where those Nation of Islam folks were popping out of bushes practically passing out panthlets. I read some of them; even purchased some of their books. Too unfounded and way to militant racist. Then there were those neat New Age/Eastern philosophies. But when you dug deeper, they were either polytheistic or just totally off the wall (there's no deity in the moon yo!!!). Back to Judaism again. Then I went to synagogue. Boring! That's right. My first synagogue experience was probably right up there with watching a televised chess tournament with subtitles (sorry chess fans, but that's serious waste of TV air-time right there...)

Well Judaism in books seemed nice at least.

Understand the first time I went into a Jewish bookstore I was probably 22 (this pre-dates this about 10 years). I had the 2 local libraries and Waldenbooks. And I depleted Waldenbooks' stock of 4 Jewish books in the "Religion" section in about 6 months. I don't want to talk about the library books. Let's just say the newer ones talked about "rumours of there being Jews in Ethiopia"...

By the end of high school/start of college, I had pretty much made up my mind. I would believe what made the most sense to me on an intellectual level - Judaism. But I shunned the idea of affiliating with any specific group - Jewish or non. I mean organized religion was for the weak and gullible! So here I was, a champion Noachide; and it was all good.

So why didn't it stop there?

Yes, I had no real problems. As I crept into adulthood, I realized that association with groups was not necessarily a 'bad' thing. Especially moving 1000+ miles away from home and trying to build up a social network - what's a girl to do? Bars, check. Clubs, check. MySpace, check (way before it was "uber cool" by the way). Religious organization? Hmmmm... In college, I had Hillel to take care of the "Jewish stuff" for me. But now, it is time that I pick a real congregation. Besides, Floridian Jews are known worldwide for their progressiveness. I guess it would not hurt to swallow my pride and join one of the 3,000 Reform temples (ok, it's not that many...but it seems like it...) in the area. Besides, how else would I meet a "nice Jewish boy" (tried JDate - was a total waste really; more interesting Jewish men can be met at the Swap Shop where all the electronics stands are owned by Israelis)? Although I never met any men in my Reform congregations (yes, there were 3), the friends I made were lovely. Intelligent, professional and pretty darn accepting, all things considered...

But still my soul was not yet satisfied.

Jewish/synagogue activities became a priority for me, much to my chagrin I guess. I joined the Sisterhood, joined the Jewish Federation, volunteered my time and talents, went to upteen lectures on Jewish culture and thought. I also felt that it was right time I convert already. Pretty much feeling (going into it) that this was something "extra". I mean, many members were either not Jewish or dating non-Jews. My conversion was not a device to be used to 'validate' my place. But I had to just stop - and look around me. What exactly was my place? Again I should point out that I was not necessarily 'unhappy' and I was not looking to leave Reform Judaism. I was just taking some mental notes; thinking about ideas I had not previously thought about. Like, "How do I want to practice Judaism in my home?", "Am I comfortable at all times, in every situation saying that I'm Jewish?", "If my Jewish spouse does not come to shul and eat treif is that acceptable to me?", "What type of Jewish education would I feel comfortable giving to my children?", "Will that education in day school/temple mirror what they see at home?".

When I was able to be honest with myself, I saw that it was just like when I lived in SnowLand. Yes I am here; but am I comfortable? Or am I just trudging along...

"Trudging along" is intensive work and a lot passes you by that you don't see. So just how did I see an exit?"

Somehow, someway I stumbled into Aish HaTorah and a few frume Yidden at around the same time. At first my attitude was, "Hey, I'm a Reform Jew; you're an Orthodox Jew. We can learn from each other, and exchange Jewish jokes; it's 'all good'." But when you really like the taste of a chocolate-covered strawberry; does it matter if you tasted it when you were 5 or when you were 55? I mean here I am in my low-ride hip hugger jeans with a shirt that exposes and accentuates more than it covers; standing next to a Orthodox Jewish woman absolutely centered on her middot and tznius...

And that seemed more 'right'. In spite of being the antithesis of 'Miami salsa-girl chic', I could recognize that that was what a Jewish woman was really about.

So here we have (in a long-winded answer I would not ever be so rude to give in person as to bore the poor listener to tears!), a more accurate recounting of what happens to many gentiles who decide they want to become Orthodox Jews. Very, very rarely do you wake up one day, and say, "This is what I want. I want to only eat kosher food. I want to wear a beanie or a scarf on my head. I'm all about foregoing physical contact with the opposite sex (whoo-hoo, no more pesky STD tests!); Oh yea, waking up early, pouring water, strapping on little black boxes, wearing rectangle with some knots on it, and reciting 15 pages of Hebrew, it's all "so deep"; I want to wear a cool black fedora on Saturdays. I can't wait to sport the latest fashions out of Boro Park...". Even rarer do you have someone who's journey to becoming an Orthodox Jew is like Dorothy following the yellow brick road to the Emerald City (and singing and skipping, and with munchkins giving you candy). It more like rock climbing (like a mountain; not that plastic wall thingy they have the mall). You are not sure where the top is; maybe you won't or are not meant to even get there. But you can see the beautiful view. You can see how far you've come. And it sure beats having stayed on the flat ground your whole life. And you'll keep going as long as you have the strength.

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As tempted as I am to end this on a sweet note, I have to revisit the whole "question" issue. Some of us ask a question to gain understanding, while others ask a question to get reinforcement of their own feelings or conclusions. When I get "that question", I am always curious as to which is the case in that given moment for the person asking me. Again, I am not so rude as to ever let onto this. And either way, both schools of thought are equally valid. I just wish I knew...

To present an analogy; let's look at the scientific method - and just how crucial a question can be. For those who are normal people who have better things to do than familiarize themselves with the scientific method for no reason at all, it is as follows:

1. Observe and formulate a question about something
2. Invent your own conclusion as to the cause of the question and/or what the answer could probably be (formally called "the hypothesis")
3. Figure out how to positively link your hypothesis to the original question
4. Implement an experiement to prove or disprove this link
5. Draw a conclusion

As much as I may fidget at the notion of a complete stranger sizing me up and making a judgement on me without the two of us even exchanging words - I must admit that we do it all the time. And if it works enough for professional scientists, I guess it also works for expert socialites. But it is all intrinsically connected to "the question". It has to be a darn good one. I mean can you imagine if you tried to do a scientific study with the leading question: "Is Water Wet?" I mean, where do you go with that if that is all you have to go with? Define "wetness"; explain how a affirmative or dissenting report is going to be of any asset to mankind; are you talking about Dasani water or the acid rain showers on Venus? Similarly, certain "why" questions posed to people can be very difficult for individuals to answer. "Why are you overweight?" "How can you feel lonely when you're married?" "Why don't you like to eat corn?". All of these questions could be answered with either one sentence; or a 500 page book. "Why do you want to be Jewish" falls right along in there as well.

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So my poor morale of the story should be illuminated (I mean I really did have a point), and that is even in this day and age where many of us are infected with the "Control Freaktus" virus, Hashem is still at work and causes everything to be in a way that sometimes we can and sometimes we can't explain. So bare with anyone who doesn't really have the answer. In fact, give them props for recognizing that only Hashem knows - and they may never know - and they are just ok with that.

I'm Here, But I'm Not

Sorry for being quiet. I just have very little to say.

I'm just breathless. Tisha B'Av of 5765 brought the withdrawal from Gaza; now 17th of Tammuz brings war upon Israel. And from my standpoint; from the Israeli Rabbinut stating they will not recognize conversions by American rabbis, from my trip to Israel and seeing beautiful Tzfat and knowing it is now under rocket fire, from doubts and questions of my personal character. On one hand I am comforted because you can't ignore the emes of HaKadosh Baruch Hu. On the other hand I want to melt away, because it all seems to be imploding on itself.

But why?

Also my time is mainly being taken up by my new website, Shona's Porch. Still needs a lot of work, but it's up and running.

Honey, I'm Home (Not!)

Last week I flew away from Eretz Yisrael, back to my apartment in North Miami Beach. The trip was overwhelming; emotionally, physically, and in some aspects financially. Nevertheless it was the best thing for me - like being completed. Truly beyond description, but I will try to address specifics in the near future.