Ah-ha

Well I have not updated this blog for a long, long time. A lot of that is because my account "expired" and I had to go hunting through my e-mail to find the link where I could re-activate it.

Well what can I say...I did not convert..."yet". I guess I put that into quotation marks because I have some pretty big obstacles to overcome before I can get to that point. The first thing is that I was in a bad car accident and laid up in the hospital for about 3 weeks. I broke my leg and my hip. Although the accident was not my fault, I really didn't get too much money out of it, because the man that caused it had no insurance. But B"H, I am alive. But I could not maintain my living situation. I gave up my apartment and moved back to Pennsylvania so that my family could take care of me. So yeah...I am quite removed from the Jewish community at this point. Therefore my conversion is on indefinite hold.

Also it doesn't look like I'll be in a position to move anytime soon. I am back in school...and hoping to finish by summer of 2009. Then I am hoping to go to graduate school at Chatham University (which is actually located in/near Pittsburgh's Jewish community...Squirrel Hill). As for work, I start a new job on Monday in Belle Vernon (south of me...so even further from the community) and the pay is not all that great at all. However I've been collecting unemployment for a while...and it will eventually run out. Plus I need to get some sort of benefits going already.

So that's my situation. I have difficulty walking, so perhaps all this is needed. Just G-d's way of telling me that I'm not quite ready. :-) I am thinking about going to Gemillas Chesed...an orthodox congregation in White Oak tonight...just to check it out. I must admit I went to a Conservative synagogue two weeks ago and I didn't feel comfortable at all. So I'm still very, very torn about what to do for this upcoming year.

Labels Are For Tupperware

Ok, I have come to the conclusion that I just don't like the term "Orthodox Jew". I will continue to use it...for clarity sake (and sometimes saying "Torah-observant") is just too cumbersome. However there is not too much flattering about the term "Orthodox". Just the sound of it takes notions of compassion, intelligent decision-making, and tolerance and throws them out the window.

Unfortunately, I think it effects those being labeled as well. If you embrace your label, then you embrace the limitations that the label presents. Without getting into fine details, I feel that there are certain actions that an Orthodox Jew would not engage in that a just-plain-regular Jew who is shomer mitzvot would. Nothing against halacha mind you; but things such as hanging out with your Puerto Rican neighbors to go watch the Superbowl -- things like that.

I'm sorry, this post is going to be very short; because somehow I feel I am beating a dead horse. That and I am dead tired myself. It just feels good to say that I am not looking to be an "Orthodox Jew" one day; just a Jew who is serious about her avodas Hashem and adherence to mitzvot. That's my real goal folks. Laila tov!

HaBoker Or!

Again, I apologize for my absence.

I should say that week of October 15th - October 21st, was a major trial and blow to my spirit. It started off with finding out that a Rabbi who mentioned he would "help me" then changed his tune. Then I got splashed in the face with a bucket of cold water when a friend of mine brought up the fact that my giyoret status, while fine with Hashem, will be a big mark against me for many things the rest of my life; so perhaps it was meant to be that I not even do it. Then another friend suggested a Rabbi to me for sponsorship. I talked to him for a while; and what he said to me were the first encouraging words I had ever heard from a Rabbi regarding this. But he still wanted to study with me...and for a fee as well. It was not something that I could afford. Then on Friday, I was laid off from my job.

Driving home Friday, I was just numb. With each thought I questioned my worth. I wondered where I had gone wrong. No doubt, I have a lot of improvements to make on myself...on my intentions and in my kavannah in tefillot and mitzvot. I remember how during Rosh Hashanah, everyone was so positive -- wishing me well. And I was positive as well! I remember going through Yom Kippur; and unlike last year, I was not "suffering" from boredom and hunger. I was really into my davening, and stayed for every service. I remember going through Sukkot and Simchat Torah, feeling real joy and really a part of the community. And then, it seemed to crash down. Like a cruel joke -- where you dangle the much wanted lollipop in front a child face; but out of their reach.

But again, I was just numb. Not sad, not angry/bitter. Just numb. Not knowing how to feel at all.

On the way home from work on Friday, I got a flat tire. While sitting in the sweltering Florida heat, I made up my mind to not let any of this ruin my Shabbat. I called a Rabbi (teacher in a day school...not a congregational one) to give a last minute request to join them for a Friday night meal. He said no problem. When I was on my way again, I picked up a bottle of wine, and dropped it off at the home of Mr. & Mrs. S., and asked if I could join them for lunch the next day. They said no problem as well. I was dettermined to spend Shabbat with others and deal with my problems afterward.

On Friday night, the first surprise came when the son of the Rabbi also joined the meal. He used to also work for my old company, but after marriage and 3 children later, was laid off around a year ago. He was very encouraging and stated that the layoff had everything to do with the company, and not with me. His mother then told me that a friend of hers is really, really looking for a bookkeeper, and asked if I would allow her to give this friend my number. After hearing that it was an appliance company, I was doubtful. But then she said it was a frum company...I felt comfortable enough to let her go ahead and give my information.

Then during lunch, Mrs. S. inquired why I was not dating. I then (after some prodding), told her of my conversion struggles. She said to come back to her home for havdalah, and she would see what she could do. I was flattered, but surprised. The S.'s have only been in town for around 9 months. And Mrs. S. is....um, how should I say this..."emotional". Nott a bad thing...in fact I love it. My Grandmother is also emotional. However when talking to her, the small comments can cause her to open the floodgates.

So as promised, Motzai Shabbas, she called the rebbetzin, wife of the Av Beis Din. In no time, I had an appointment set up for 11:00 am the next morning!

The meeting went very well. Although the Rabbi was extremely busy (he has no secretary on Sundays), he listened to my story and seemed very, very empathetic. He asked me quick questions on my lifestyle and my history with the Jewish community. He asked if I was financially stable; then quickly added, not because he wanted money from me -- but because I would need to be able to support a Jewish lifestyle. He then said he would be looking at not how much knowledge I have, but application of what has been learned and committment. He then said he sees no problem in converting me. Ran down the costs of the mikveh and Beis Din and said all could be wrapped up in a few months!

That evening, I got a call from Chava -- the friend of the Rabbi how knew of the job opening. I set up an interview for Tuesday. Due to the stark differences between bookkeeping for an insurance company, and bookkeeping for an appliance store, I did not feel that the interview went well. But I still felt good; encouraged, that people were trying to help me. I also had several phone calls on my resume from other places. I secretly thought it would be nice to work for another Shomer Shabbas company, and liked the location (not too far from my old job). I had no doubt that Hashem would be looking out for me. I decided to spend time on studying Tomar Devorah and catching up on Tehillim.

On Tuesday night, Chava called me back and said that the owner of the company would like to take me on as an executive assistant. While he did not see me as a good match for the bookkeeper position, he needed someone who was knowledgable in a wide variety of areas to help him on managing multiple projects. I couldn't believe my ears! Also, it will be a little bit more that what I made before! I was just simply amazed!

My health benefits are good for another month, B"H. I plan to get new glasses and contacts and get some other things out of the way...

I won't have to dip into my severance pay due to the fact that I found another job so quickly!

I am just truly, truly amazed at how Hashem has held me up and carried me over the torrential river of depression, anger, and temptations. Even though things seemed very dark, I felt that it was wrong to just react to such pitfalls. Hashem was gracious enough to quickly affirm that I made the right decision.

For everyone that is hurting and asking "why?"; I encourage you to just breathe and wait. Open up a sefer. Spend extra time and attention on your davening. Keep in mind to place your neshama and all your troubles in Hashem's hands every night. Even if your back was turned to Hashem before, you can do teshuvah now...and the answers will come!

Obsession the movie...NOT the cologne!

Bezras Hashem, I'll be seeing this tonight :-)

New Online Forum For Orthodox Jews-of-Color!!!

Yes, I think my eyes may be bigger than my stomach here, but I created a web forum for minority Orthodox Jews because I tried to search for a similar community and came up with zilch - nada. Currently there are only 6 members, but it is only 2 days old. Plus it's a pretty rare sight to see an Orthodox Jew-of-Color; in real life or virtually. So I'm putting the word out there!

http://www.shonasporch.com/brownjewsforum

Be advised that everyone is welcome to join, but the forum is coming from the Orthodox viewpoint.

And this concludes this advertisement. Now back to our regularly scheduled programming...

I Want New Eyes

Shalom & toda to all of the people who leave a positive comment or a thought. I'm very flattered that people are still checking this blog out, even though I don't seem to write as often as I used to. You are my strength. Again, thank you.

The shalosh shavuot are hitting me hard. I feel, quite frankly, that Hashem is far right now. I took on the neder to actually pronounce my words in my tefillot (instead of running through them), and being careful to include new cholim and of course Eretz Yisrael in my prays. But I am so worried, I can hardly say the word "kavannah" much less apply it. :-(

I know myself. I know that I have a tendecy to "over-thing" and "over-analyze". I wish I could divuldge some of the major things on my mind, but they contain lashon hara, and I cannot "go there"; especially not now...

I am worried about the state of Klal Yisrael. In the Torah, it states quite clearly that the Jews must observe the the laws of Hashem in order to thrive in the land. What a quandry, since the "State of Israel" is far from a land where the Jews have embraced Torah. Yet, the Gedolim and many of our leading Yeshivot are there. Why bring them into strife, dissonance and hate? Have their efforts not merited for Israel to be victorious? I know that the decision is ultimately Hashem's. We can just humbly ask. But the Jews cannot take another Holocaust. We cannot lose even more of our Torah leaders in such a short amount of time.

All this goes on, I am also worried about myself. No one is going to attack my physical, corporal being here in Miami and the grounds of being Jewish. Why should they, since I am not. I feel like a cripple; somehow so concern with a cause that is not mine. Aching over a land which is not mine. What can I do? Not to seem like a drama queen, but emotionally I'm climbing the walls over this whole conversion thing. You react, think act, speak, etc. - like a frum Jew, yet you are totally not. I feel out of line. I feel out of synch with the world around me. I feel like I don't quite fit into this world at all.

Will something magical happen once I emerge from the mikveh (if, IY"H, I ever make it there)? Will I instantly find my center and acceptance? Hardly not; and I no that. But still there will be no doubt in my mind. Still I can speak, and go, and think of h'Eretz Yisael v'Am Yisrael as mine. It sounds so selfish. It sounds so presumptious. Perhaps G-d doesn't like it. But he's not really giving me to much feedback here. Ah, he probably is, but I'm not opening up my eyes and heart to it. I'm trying, but it's frozen shut.

Maybe I'm trying too hard????

Trying too hard to understand this situation which is me. Hashem controls my destiny, but I have to put in motion the right actions. But I don't know what to do - I seriously have no clue. Why give me the bracha to live among frum Yidden, but have them forget about me? Why give me the bracha to learn with brillant Rabbonim who don't respond to my phone calls? Why give me the bracha to visit Eretz Yisrael without really being a Jew. I do not get it.

Asking The Right Question

As much as I would like to write about Israel right now, I just can't. I get breathless thinking about it. The awe in watching Hashem twist our world around in front of our very eyes...

So I'll speak about me. LOL, why not, it's my blog nachon?

On Tuesday I was engaged in a conversation with a young man my age who is also looking to convert. It is still pretty early in his journey, and he comes from a much more religious Xtian background than I did. Nonetheless, we found ourselves agreeing on many points, questions and experiences. After telling me about his journey the inevitable question came my way:

How did you get interested in Judaism?

(My appologies if I am re-hashing something said in a previous post; I didn't really take the time to look and see if I talked about this already; so please bear with me!)

Ok, first I should say that the question in itself does not bother me. So don't stop asking me, I really don't mind it! But sometimes something about the situation does. Of course, in the real world, I never let this on. I have my well rehearsed and performed answer ready (which I will not recount here - sorry). But deep down I feel like I'm hiding something. I feel like I'm making myself the star of the show, and really, it is just not the case.

Judaism (in traditional thought at least) has never doubted that the Creator has influenced and continues to influence the world that we know. But often it is thought of on the grand scale; not so much the individual. I think I am worried that I would sound like "a nut" - if I divuldged the belief that Hashem has pretty much molded my life out for me; I am just along for the ride. Yes, I have free will - I am not a puppet. And I definitely do have full responsibility for my actions. Also Hashem is not going to decend onto my body out in the woods somewhere and make me a Jew; I will need to take the proper steps to make that happen. But even the biggest control freak in the world cannot totally influence all the people and phenonema that interact with them. That is the amazing part of my story; that is what I wish to really convey sometimes.

So back to "the question" (because I feel this would be the perfect medium to explore a more accurate answer of "Why I Want To Be Jewish" {or however you want to state it}). Actually, I don't know if anyone will ever state 'it' they way I feel 'it' should be stated; and if I do, I would agree to stand out on the road in an eagle costume holding up a sign for tax return services (next year - and if you read this blog, you don't count). And that question would be, "How Has Hashem Helped You In Finding Your True Place?" Understand I have not converted yet; and chas v'shalom, if I were to not live past tommorrow, then musings about "Why Is She (of all people) a Jew?" would be moot. So it's only proper to address the present in my case. Just like some children like the taste of bananas and some don't; just like how some adults like to ski, and others would rather be sunbathing, (etc., etc.) - we all have different activities that we engage it that "just feel right" that "make us content". Sure some of these preferences are influenced by our environment; but many are not. It is just how we are. For example, I was born and raised in SW Pennsylvania; plenty of snow and ice and cold there in the wintertime. And I could not stand it. And I never got used to it. And I lived there 20+ years! Yet my Grandmother loves the wintertime. Different strokes for different folks.

Here's a interesting, but perfectly normal tidbit about me; Judaism was not my first or even preferred preference of belief after I had doubts about the church [I was raised in]. At first I would try other churches. Then I took a quick gander at Judaism; but it was too small a group and there were no Jews around me anyway. Then there was a time where those Nation of Islam folks were popping out of bushes practically passing out panthlets. I read some of them; even purchased some of their books. Too unfounded and way to militant racist. Then there were those neat New Age/Eastern philosophies. But when you dug deeper, they were either polytheistic or just totally off the wall (there's no deity in the moon yo!!!). Back to Judaism again. Then I went to synagogue. Boring! That's right. My first synagogue experience was probably right up there with watching a televised chess tournament with subtitles (sorry chess fans, but that's serious waste of TV air-time right there...)

Well Judaism in books seemed nice at least.

Understand the first time I went into a Jewish bookstore I was probably 22 (this pre-dates this about 10 years). I had the 2 local libraries and Waldenbooks. And I depleted Waldenbooks' stock of 4 Jewish books in the "Religion" section in about 6 months. I don't want to talk about the library books. Let's just say the newer ones talked about "rumours of there being Jews in Ethiopia"...

By the end of high school/start of college, I had pretty much made up my mind. I would believe what made the most sense to me on an intellectual level - Judaism. But I shunned the idea of affiliating with any specific group - Jewish or non. I mean organized religion was for the weak and gullible! So here I was, a champion Noachide; and it was all good.

So why didn't it stop there?

Yes, I had no real problems. As I crept into adulthood, I realized that association with groups was not necessarily a 'bad' thing. Especially moving 1000+ miles away from home and trying to build up a social network - what's a girl to do? Bars, check. Clubs, check. MySpace, check (way before it was "uber cool" by the way). Religious organization? Hmmmm... In college, I had Hillel to take care of the "Jewish stuff" for me. But now, it is time that I pick a real congregation. Besides, Floridian Jews are known worldwide for their progressiveness. I guess it would not hurt to swallow my pride and join one of the 3,000 Reform temples (ok, it's not that many...but it seems like it...) in the area. Besides, how else would I meet a "nice Jewish boy" (tried JDate - was a total waste really; more interesting Jewish men can be met at the Swap Shop where all the electronics stands are owned by Israelis)? Although I never met any men in my Reform congregations (yes, there were 3), the friends I made were lovely. Intelligent, professional and pretty darn accepting, all things considered...

But still my soul was not yet satisfied.

Jewish/synagogue activities became a priority for me, much to my chagrin I guess. I joined the Sisterhood, joined the Jewish Federation, volunteered my time and talents, went to upteen lectures on Jewish culture and thought. I also felt that it was right time I convert already. Pretty much feeling (going into it) that this was something "extra". I mean, many members were either not Jewish or dating non-Jews. My conversion was not a device to be used to 'validate' my place. But I had to just stop - and look around me. What exactly was my place? Again I should point out that I was not necessarily 'unhappy' and I was not looking to leave Reform Judaism. I was just taking some mental notes; thinking about ideas I had not previously thought about. Like, "How do I want to practice Judaism in my home?", "Am I comfortable at all times, in every situation saying that I'm Jewish?", "If my Jewish spouse does not come to shul and eat treif is that acceptable to me?", "What type of Jewish education would I feel comfortable giving to my children?", "Will that education in day school/temple mirror what they see at home?".

When I was able to be honest with myself, I saw that it was just like when I lived in SnowLand. Yes I am here; but am I comfortable? Or am I just trudging along...

"Trudging along" is intensive work and a lot passes you by that you don't see. So just how did I see an exit?"

Somehow, someway I stumbled into Aish HaTorah and a few frume Yidden at around the same time. At first my attitude was, "Hey, I'm a Reform Jew; you're an Orthodox Jew. We can learn from each other, and exchange Jewish jokes; it's 'all good'." But when you really like the taste of a chocolate-covered strawberry; does it matter if you tasted it when you were 5 or when you were 55? I mean here I am in my low-ride hip hugger jeans with a shirt that exposes and accentuates more than it covers; standing next to a Orthodox Jewish woman absolutely centered on her middot and tznius...

And that seemed more 'right'. In spite of being the antithesis of 'Miami salsa-girl chic', I could recognize that that was what a Jewish woman was really about.

So here we have (in a long-winded answer I would not ever be so rude to give in person as to bore the poor listener to tears!), a more accurate recounting of what happens to many gentiles who decide they want to become Orthodox Jews. Very, very rarely do you wake up one day, and say, "This is what I want. I want to only eat kosher food. I want to wear a beanie or a scarf on my head. I'm all about foregoing physical contact with the opposite sex (whoo-hoo, no more pesky STD tests!); Oh yea, waking up early, pouring water, strapping on little black boxes, wearing rectangle with some knots on it, and reciting 15 pages of Hebrew, it's all "so deep"; I want to wear a cool black fedora on Saturdays. I can't wait to sport the latest fashions out of Boro Park...". Even rarer do you have someone who's journey to becoming an Orthodox Jew is like Dorothy following the yellow brick road to the Emerald City (and singing and skipping, and with munchkins giving you candy). It more like rock climbing (like a mountain; not that plastic wall thingy they have the mall). You are not sure where the top is; maybe you won't or are not meant to even get there. But you can see the beautiful view. You can see how far you've come. And it sure beats having stayed on the flat ground your whole life. And you'll keep going as long as you have the strength.

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As tempted as I am to end this on a sweet note, I have to revisit the whole "question" issue. Some of us ask a question to gain understanding, while others ask a question to get reinforcement of their own feelings or conclusions. When I get "that question", I am always curious as to which is the case in that given moment for the person asking me. Again, I am not so rude as to ever let onto this. And either way, both schools of thought are equally valid. I just wish I knew...

To present an analogy; let's look at the scientific method - and just how crucial a question can be. For those who are normal people who have better things to do than familiarize themselves with the scientific method for no reason at all, it is as follows:

1. Observe and formulate a question about something
2. Invent your own conclusion as to the cause of the question and/or what the answer could probably be (formally called "the hypothesis")
3. Figure out how to positively link your hypothesis to the original question
4. Implement an experiement to prove or disprove this link
5. Draw a conclusion

As much as I may fidget at the notion of a complete stranger sizing me up and making a judgement on me without the two of us even exchanging words - I must admit that we do it all the time. And if it works enough for professional scientists, I guess it also works for expert socialites. But it is all intrinsically connected to "the question". It has to be a darn good one. I mean can you imagine if you tried to do a scientific study with the leading question: "Is Water Wet?" I mean, where do you go with that if that is all you have to go with? Define "wetness"; explain how a affirmative or dissenting report is going to be of any asset to mankind; are you talking about Dasani water or the acid rain showers on Venus? Similarly, certain "why" questions posed to people can be very difficult for individuals to answer. "Why are you overweight?" "How can you feel lonely when you're married?" "Why don't you like to eat corn?". All of these questions could be answered with either one sentence; or a 500 page book. "Why do you want to be Jewish" falls right along in there as well.

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So my poor morale of the story should be illuminated (I mean I really did have a point), and that is even in this day and age where many of us are infected with the "Control Freaktus" virus, Hashem is still at work and causes everything to be in a way that sometimes we can and sometimes we can't explain. So bare with anyone who doesn't really have the answer. In fact, give them props for recognizing that only Hashem knows - and they may never know - and they are just ok with that.

I'm Here, But I'm Not

Sorry for being quiet. I just have very little to say.

I'm just breathless. Tisha B'Av of 5765 brought the withdrawal from Gaza; now 17th of Tammuz brings war upon Israel. And from my standpoint; from the Israeli Rabbinut stating they will not recognize conversions by American rabbis, from my trip to Israel and seeing beautiful Tzfat and knowing it is now under rocket fire, from doubts and questions of my personal character. On one hand I am comforted because you can't ignore the emes of HaKadosh Baruch Hu. On the other hand I want to melt away, because it all seems to be imploding on itself.

But why?

Also my time is mainly being taken up by my new website, Shona's Porch. Still needs a lot of work, but it's up and running.

Honey, I'm Home (Not!)

Last week I flew away from Eretz Yisrael, back to my apartment in North Miami Beach. The trip was overwhelming; emotionally, physically, and in some aspects financially. Nevertheless it was the best thing for me - like being completed. Truly beyond description, but I will try to address specifics in the near future.

A Jew, Is A Jew, Is A Jew

It has been 9 days since Danny breathed his last. I remember I was late finding out that a local South Florida resident was victimized on April 17th. I was in Pittsburgh; and Pittsburgh news of course gave a blurb about the bombing; but did not note those involved. I remember when I did find out, I thought that he would surely pull through. So young, such a great spirit, our neighbor! Ok, so Weston is not exactly down the street from me. I've heard that the community out there is thriving. Chabad set up shop and they even built a mikveh. Danny and his family were conscious Jews. Everyone one had Danny on their Tehillim and Refueh Sh'liema list. Terrorism in Israel had hit even closer here, but we were doing the right thing. Very good.

So on Sunday, when the local news preluded the feature with, "...and now, some sad news on a local South Florida teen injured in a suicide bombing in Israel...", I knew right away. A flat 'Baruch Dayan Emes' was uttered by me. I tried to find some emotion but felt pretty empty at that point. Like it was some sort of dream...

9 days after hearing the news of Danny's death, I have finally decided to think about it; blog about it. Why? Who am I? I did not know Danny. I am not the best champion of any cause. In 13 days, I leave for Eretz Yisrael myself, and terrorism is the last thing I want to be thinking about (but hey, it's never healthy to delude yourself). So why torture and tax myself? Why play the horn when I know I..."suck".

The reason is because it made me see another aspect of myself. You see, Jews in South Florida are not contiguous - in fact, they are quite a disjointed bunch. I think the official numbers are 650,000; but we have every type of Jew from all over (well, I don't know if we have any Ethiopian Jews). And unlike the New York Jews, they don't seem to interact much outside of their respective communities. Come to think of it, no one else in South Florida does either (the Jamaican community is the same - must be the humidity kills the need to be social). Anyway, here I am living in my shteble. Hardly worried about Jewish suburbanites living in cul-de-sacs in Weston. I'm to busy trying to find cholev Yisrael muenster cheese for a Shavous quiche, hello? But somehow I found a way; many Jews found a way; to work Danny into their lives and make his recovery a priority.

And for me, that is astounding.

Not to paint me as being callous or anything. But I grew up such an "intellectual hard-ass" (please excuse my French!). Yes there was pain and suffering in the world; yes, bad things happen to good people. But I always found a way to 'rationalize' it. Step outside of the emotion. You know that bumper sticker "$h!+ Happens"? Well, I never owned it, but that could have been my mantra.

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I've told a couple people that since I decided that I wanted to be a Torah observant Jew, things have happened that I would have never imagined happening. Not obvious things, but internal things. For example, I always thought that marriage was a hinderance and more trouble than it was worth. You lost your freedom, yeah, who wants that? Besides, wouldn't you get tired of sleeping with the same man for the rest of your life? Another one is haughtiness/conceit. A favorite past time was rolling my eyes at people and looking for an excuse to get away from them. And G-d? I use to think he was out to get me; to make me suffer for some unknown sin I committed as a toddler or something. I was his mistake and he has the nerve to make me suffer for it!

I feel like one of those eggs that had the shell that you would chip away at to get to the chocolate inside (those may be too old school; they probably don't make them anymore). Daniel Wultz chipped away a big hunk of that shell. You can almost see the glimmer of an awesome neshama in there. I am so sure I'm not the only one. As more and more of the pieces of my shell are shed, perhaps I can reciprocate chipping away at the shells of others like Danny and so many others did for me. I try to anyway...

So Danny, I hope to meet you in Olam Habah one day. I'll be a good looker by then, B'ezras Hashem.

Yerushalayim Shel Zahav

In early June, B'ezras Hashem, I will be heading to Eretz Yisrael for the first time in my life; courtesy of the Taglit-Birthright Israel program. It's interesting, because I have known about Birthright for years. While I was Reform, I had no desire to go to Israel anytime soon. Sure I would have like to have seen it; one day. Since becoming acquainted with Torah observant Judaism, my viewpoint changed; albeight not immediately. You see I knew Israelis here in the States. The jet-setter, trendy, super-ambitious/entrepreneurial type. But here I am, learning and living with frume Yidden who seem worlds apart from the club-hopping Israelis that frequent South Beach. How can these divergent people be 'hooked' by the same place?

Of course with exposure, I learned that Jews run the gamut; moreover, religious Jews run the gamut of appearance and lifestyle. As I covered more ground in my siddur I saw the special connection that Jews have always had with Israel. And if I truly desired to become a Jew, then I would also assume this connection as well.

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Just so that I do not mislead anyone, let me state that I am not a blistry-eyed idealist who needs her bubble broken with an update on the current affairs in the Middle East. What I am guilty of is being hopelessly passionate about my desires; and since I am very human, I sometimes desire what is not good for me. This is when I try to ask Hashem to guide my footsteps, and trust that he knows what is best.

Last night on MSNBC I saw a show on homeless families in a particular area of California. (Now, that is reality TV! Don't let me be a TV exec., because I would run shows like this 24-7!) It may sound incredulous, but I related to them very much. They were doing the best they could under terrible circumstances and with every odd stacked against them. They have no home, and hardly no belongings, but each day they wake up, send their children to school, collect a daily meal (or hopefully two), and try to celebrate the holidays however they can. Very similar to the Jews. Jews may have material possessions, live in houses, be quite well off, etc. But outside of Eretz Yisrael, we are essentially 'homeless'. We are at the mercy of the goyishe leaders and systems we live in. On the other hand, Eretz Yisrael is our house; with some very crankerous neighbors and unpleasant tenants - but it is still the home of the Jews.

Far from being the מלכת קדוש intended for the Jews, the present State of Israel has serious issues with forsaking the Torah and switching it with an ethocentrically-based superiority complex. That what I have gathered from the sources I have at my disposal. I could be very wrong...

For many years, I had the dream to live in Florida. True I could not stand the snow, but I think there was more to it than the weather. It sort of fit my attitude. Sunny, pioneering, a tad-laid back, diverse - I saw Florida as a suit tailored made for my taste. Or maybe a car I would look good in. Was life so bad in Pennsylvania? Well, at the time, I thought it was. Looking bad it still was; but due to my change in perspective I also see the good. But let's see how my honeymoon with Florida started to grow sour.

When I moved down here, it was far from being a new atmosphere. 2 years in college and many trips to see my Father made Florida feel like a second home. Note I said "Florida" and not "Miami" because Miami really is an odd-ball in this state...although not for long probably. While there are many qualities of life that get a nice, big, fat, red check mark; there are others that surpass the norm. Every morning when I leave my home and drive to work I see some of the most beautiful specimens of Hashem's creaton. The sun dancing on the aquamarine blue sea; the colorful foilage; the shiny bristling palm trees; even all of the cute little geckos running around. The moisture in the air makes the land feel like it's alive - breathing - vibrant. Gan Eden couldn't have been too far off from Florida (ok, Florida with really good fans & air circulation!).

In fact, there is nothing at all inherently wrong with Miami. But there is something wrong with the human inhabitants of Miami. And isn't this the case just about, oh, everywhere! When I first moved here almost 4 years ago, I was trying to drink in just what was my "new" culture. I had a handsome, well-paid boyfriend with an accent (he was Yugoslavian), a new job lined up, and a new slate from which to build a social network. The only issue with a 'social network' is that it must include people. My boyfriend had lived in Miami for 8 years already and had gone 'cold turkey' from the South Beach mover & shaker scene because of all the "fake" people involved. In fact, he saw in me a perfect opportunity to engage in a deeper relationship that involved conversation, sightseeing, and sharing talents and loves. But just like the weather can change in an instant here, so did we. My job put me in Plantation, FL and it was a hike to South Beach to come more often than 2 or 3 times. Then my ex-boyfriend met up with some old business acquaintences and starting re-investing in real estate. Back came the office parties that would spill over into nightclubs well into the night. He was a recovering alcoholic and professional schmoozer so it started becoming routine for him to rip through $1,000+ per weekend in the clubs. I only went with him once; and was so uncomfortable I wanted to melt right into the cushy seats in the dark club. Both of us quickly noticed that we were no longer on the same page.

I had been in South Florida for less than a year, but it was only a preview of things to come. Hardly any was very encouraging. Mostly all of it just had to do with the pervasive attitude that it is all about "the self". Yes, it is reflected in the lack of attention given to the fine arts, community/volunteer activities, customer service, etc. It's a tangible quality that I can notice when visiting other places. So while South Florida is definitely not all bad; it's feels very much like a sojourn...

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Hmmm...where was I? I guess I was just rambling a bit. Perhaps it's just another aspect of learning what it means to be a Jew; to be eternally nagged by the fact that as long as you are outside of Eretz Yisrael, you are never really home...

Is It Now Easy To Be Frum?

Downstairs from my office, there is a convienance store. Really, it's the most unfortunate thing ever because if you get hungry for a candy bar, you shell out almost $1.00 for it when if you walk down the street it can be had for 60¢ . Yesterday I noticed these Twizzlers wannabe candies. They came in all sorts of fruit flavors. I was so curious as to rather they tasted good or not. So I commenced on "the hunt for the hechshure" (which is a scanning of the package all savvy, grocery-shopping Jews can complete in 2 seconds flat). "Boom!" I found the all important (U) and those babies were all mine!

When I first started keeping kosher I was weary of grocery shopping (ok, I still am - but for other reasons besides kashrus!). Any processed food would need certification. I guess I would be living on apples and carrots for the rest of my days! But to my surprise, many of my "staples" were already certified! Miracle Whip, Country Crock, Triscuits, Honey Bunches of Oats, Philadelphia Cream Cheese (ok, now everyone knows how unhealthy my diet is!). In fact the only items I lost out on were Pop Tarts, Doritos, and many Jamaican products (the island has no Rabbis to certify anything made there; oh well). Needless to say, my menu is still as varied as ever.

But I've found that when others here that you keep kosher they sort of shake their heads in pity at you. Ok, so it's not that bad, but pretty close. For example, sometimes my office will bring goodies for morning meetings. The first time around, my manager asked what "kosher stuff" could she buy. I explained the symbols, and that the package needed to not be opened. She came with those Kedem tea biscuits. She admitted that she was nervous she would get the wrong thing, so she just stuck with the "Jewish food" section of the supermarket. Oh and I was sooo gearing up for some Pepperidgefarm cookies!

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Ok, so buying kosher is not too tough (keeping your home kosher is more difficult in my opinion). Let's check out another myth; businesses. Is it just me, or has something changed drastically in the last 20 years? When I was a little girl, if you went out on Sundays, everything was closed. Now true, I didn't grow up in a big city like Miami - but still. Back then there were no 24 hour Wal-Marts or supermarkets that were still going strong at 10pm. There's a new Bank Atlantic that opened up by my home that is open 7 days a week. It's like the notion of Sunday being a "day of rest" in America's urban centers is a foggy memory. Staying open for business on Sundays has almost become a selling point.

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Ah and what about clothing? It's very true that it is still a bit tough to walk into clothing stores in South Florida and find anything close to tzniut. I have found that going to "Plain Jane" stores like K-Mart, Fashion Bug, and Marshalls you will have better luck finding basics such as white blouses, black skirts and simply-designed shoes. For Shabbos/Yom Tov wear, I will hit up one of the Jewish clothing stores (I can't really afford to buy casuals there!). But when I get tired of hitting the pavement and burning gas and time; I just go online! In a 1/2, I can peruse 50 different merchants to find a maroon long-sleeved, high necked shirt that I need to match the skirt I picked up from the Thrift Store for $8. Sure beats investing in a sewing machine and altering or making your own!

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Don't get me wrong; I'm not saying that it is easy to live a Torah-observant life anywhere, anytime. But I just wonder... Of course, the Jews have had to make due wherever they were, whenever the era was (if not then they just assimilated). My feelings could be off base; I've only been trying this on for about a year and a half. But half of the methods I use to handle being shomer mitzvot were not available 10, 15, 20 years ago. I mean, before ATMs came on the scene, how on earth did Yidden ever get their hands on cash!

Traveling While Almost Jewish

Ok, I'm a little late on this because I have been extremely busy my first week back to FL. I want to give publicize the fact that Pittsburgh's Jewish community in Squirrel Hill; specifically the Shaare Torah Congregation, was a stellar community in which to spend Pesach. It was an experience that was very valuable to my neshama.

Nevertheless, I will probably decline to ever go away for yontif (at least as a single woman in an "open" {a kosher cruise/resort/hotel may be ok} environment) again. You see, for Chol Homoed, I stayed with my family. It was stressful, I had to do a lot of explaining, and for lack of a better way of putting it, I lost my "groove" for the chag. Much of the confusion stems from the fact that while my desire to become Jewish is not a new thing for my family, previously, it did not interfere to much with my home life. You go to church, I go to synagogue. I celebrate Hanukkah while you do X-mas (I would just wrap my gifts in the blue & white Hanukkah paper and give them earlier/later). But now it's a whole new ball game. Last time I went to Pennsylvania was about 17 months ago. A lot has transpired in that time.

May I list "pros" and "cons" that I felt or perceived?

Pros:

1) My Grandparents liked the tznius clothes. Especially my Grandmother, who said "I was taking pride in my appearance (I guess she thought I wasn't do so before???)."

2) I declined my Grandfather's fried delicaces; staving off about 5-10 lbs of weight gain in the process.

3) My demeaner is calmer and my language has improved. Ah, and to think of my college days when my Grandmother would say, "What did you just say?" and I would repeat the phrase sans the mild curse word I had said previously.

4) I hold a lot more respect for my Grandmother's relgiousness and my Grandfather's wisdom/kindness than I did previously.

5) My sisters. They are the only family members who didn't question or raise eyebrows and anything I was doing or any explainations that I made about Judaism. Psstt...Adults, take a hint!. A high-five goes to both of them, ages 10 and 17.

Cons:

1) The food issue. Very, very difficult. I had always been a picky eater, but after 25 years, my Grandmother knows my favorites. But I insisted she didn't make them. She did anyway. And it's hurtful for both her and I in the end.

2) "You're going to Pittsburgh again?" I tried to soften the blow by saying I was staying with friends for the Passover services - that it would just be easier. But they sure didn't like the fact that I didn't answer my cellphone, or swing back over to my hometown when services were over.

3) Expense. No matter how I looked at it, there was going to be a lot of money wasted. Of the 11 days I had the rental car, 5 of them I wasn't able to drive. IF my family had a bigger handle on the situation, then maybe someone could have dropped off/picked up/dropped off to save $$$ for me. But it's hard enough explaining yontif to Jews; much less non-Jews who have also never been around Orthodox Jews ever.

4) Family life-cycle events. During my stay, there was a funeral for a cousin. While I realized I could not go to the church service, I decided to go to the burial. Too bad most people decided to do the reverse and my Mother told me (although she also admitted the church service was long and boring and her thighs hurt from sitting on the pews for so long!). I got some looks; but as also started squirming when they recited "The L-rd's Prayer" (although the words in that prayer are not heretical - it still brought back "the old days"). I wondered if I would ever again be able to attend the life-cycle events in my family again comfortably?

5) Old friends. I ran into a few. They sort of scratched their heads at my long sleeves and skirts. I mean I had moved to Florida, bikini-land, and this is all I owned?

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After the trip I was exhausted and felt a bit forlorn. I couldn't wait to get back to Miami where I could go back to my kosher Thai & sushi, my shirium, and my own house where I know the cooked food is ok to eat. On the other hand, I do miss my family; but I see so much more clearly now that we function in two different realms.

It was during this trip that I realized that Hakadosh Baruch Hu makes everything happen in it's own time. 2 years ago, I would not be ready to "let go"; 1 year ago, I would not have the fortitude to stick to my guns about kashrus. Most of all, I wouldn't have been able to come home as a Jew. To have left there with only revereance to G-d, but with no observance, and to pop in on the scene as "The Cannot Do Girl" would have been too much.

But my story does not have a sitcom ending. My family does not totally understand and only mildly support my endeavors. At least now I have a better idea of what I have to work with; and they can see that my becoming a Jew is not totally "all bad".

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There was another sore spot which I did not mention and warrants it's own post really. That is their general disapproval of my trip to Israel. To my family, Israel is a land of terrorism, deserts and daranged bloodthirsty Arabs. The exeption is my father, my auntie, and my G-dmother.

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Totally unrelated, I haven't had the chance to read any seforim by the Chofetz Chaim, but I really want to work on lashon hara. Really. I want to desist from casually offering criticism of any member or portion of Klal Yisrael. I can be cynical, so this undertaking will be a constant 'work-in-progress'.

Sonnet for the Disillusioned

They tell you early on, "You are what you are"
Dream your dreams; as long as it conforms to "The American Dream".
Can I be an Olympic gymnast? Travel wide and far?
"Sure you can!" is the constant reply. But are things really as easy as they seem?

You see, they wrote up there "One size fits all"
When they should have said "One size fits most",
To be a doctor, a lawyer, an astronaut is not everyone's call...
Yet when a son finds true happiness as a gardener, his parents see little reason to boast.

Why is this? Every parent wants their child to be happy, right?
But many parents also want their children to do what they could not.
Parents are wise, their guidance should not be seen as a hinderance or slight.
But parents are human too; culpable of passing on the same erroneous ideals they were taught.

What is "your calling", What do you want to do?
Can you find the key to your happiness? Do you even want a clue?

Every young child wishes to grow up and fall in love one day,
Love. That emotion that is taught to us in the movies we see, and the music we hear...
From early on, we know what "Lover's Eyes" look like, we know what lovers say,
We know that when you're in love, you can make it through anything - as long as your beloved is near...

Lost in the mix were the abuse statistics, divorce rate, and cases of doubtful paternity.
They never showed or sang about when the honeymoon ends, and the lovemaking gets old.
The pictures from the $12,000 wedding gave no clue to the vows' uncertainity.
True love is responsiblity and commitment - notions that leave media executives cold.

Oh look! Big Sis found a rich Richard Gere look-alike and everyone is thrilled!
Nevermind the fact that he drinks Jack Daniels like it's going out of style.
Drunk and feeling up her friends, Big Sis find her spirit and self esteem being killed.
But it's better than being alone and not 'in-love' even for a little while.

What is "your calling", What do you want to do?
Can you find the key to your happiness? Do you even want a clue?

Do you long for a different life? Are you begging for a break?
Do you believe in G-d? Do you think he cares?
Armani suit, Prada heels, are your nails/hair/breasts real or fake?
Is it fun being a 'head turner'? Do you ever get tired of trying to decipher the stares?

Were you created solely for carrying platinum cards and driving a Lexus?
I'm sure you have fun; I'm sure you lood good; I'm sure you are a good citizen.
But do you realize your dinner equals the daily pay of the waiter bringing it to us?
Or would you rather not be reminded about the gross poverty present in the world we live in?

No, you are right. I'll start giving to charity and the local bums.
Wait, my job? Does it help people? Not really, but it makes me money!
Do you have any idea that a true sense of purpose surpasses bank deposits of all possible sums?
But when you hear that Gail took off two years from her law practice to work in the Peace Corps, you look at her mighty funny?

What is "your calling", What do you want to do?
Can you find the key to your happiness? Do you even want a clue?

White Lies, cont'd (My 1st Spinoff Post!)

As a continuation from my book review post I posted a Livejournal poll in a popular Black community journal and asked them about anti-semitism. I was surprised. Not so much by the poll results (which sort of reinforced my hypothesis that only a minority of Black Americans view Jews as "the enemy"; although I was shocked that 47% of the respondants said that they wouldn't mind Jews being added to the Affirmative Action pool!), but by the comments supplied. In a nutshell, the prevailing line of thought was not "anti-Jewish" but "anti-White" with Jews just lumped along together with White people.

I can only laugh a hopeless laugh here; I understand...but then again I don't!

Jewish Fridays - (exerpts from "Missundaztood" performed by my girl P!nk)

I might be the way, everybody likes to say
(I know watcha thinking about me)
There might be a day, you might have a certain way
(But you don't have my luxuries)
And it's me I know, I know my name - 'cause I say it proud
Everything I want I always do...
Lookin' for the right track, always on the wrong track
(But are you catchin' all these tracks - that I'm layin' down for you)

There's a song I was listening to- Up all night
There's a voice I'm hearing - Saying it's alright
When I'm happy, I am sad - But everything's good
It's not that complicated, I'm just misunderstood

There might be a day, everything it goes my way
(Can't you think I know I'm superfly?)
I might see a world, in a world inside of you
Then I might just say goodbye.
And it's my name I knowI say it loud 'cause I'm really proud
Of all the things I used to do...
Well it's the wrong track - looking for the right track
(And are you catchin' all these tracks that I'm layin' down for you?)

Book Review ~ White Lies

Since my college days, I must admit (regrettably), that I have let my readings on Black culture go by the wayside. Besides, I have more pressing concerns; like working on becoming a Jew. So while in Borders I was just checking out the "African-American" book section, totally not expecting to purchase an item from those shelfs. I don't remember what prompted me to pick up a book with such an incriminating title to begin with, but when I flipped the book over and read:

Maurice Berger grew up hypersensitized to race in the charged environment of New York City in the sixties. His father was a Jewish liberal who worshipped Martin Luther King, Jr., his mother a dark-skinned Sephardic Jew who hated black people. Berger himself was one of the few white kids in his Lower East Side housing project...

I saw the price; $13.00. I decided I needed to go home with it.

I account the impulse purchase to just plain curiousity to see what this "mixed" Jewish man had to say about race relations. I totally did not expect such a profound message to be delivered in the guise of a plain-covered book just a bit over 200 pp long. Nor did I expect to laugh out loud, be appalled, find insight, and finally see in black and white a more defined vision of modern, 21st century American racism.

Despite the strong-toned title, White Lies does little finger pointing at the White race and instead focuses on the faulty thinking that many WASPs (and sometimes non-WASPs) hold about Black people. The method is subtle; reassuring to me as a Black reader (that a non-Black, albeit White Jew) that these problems can be isolated by an "other"; potentially disturbing to the White reader who thought that everything is just fine because you just adore Oprah Winfrey...

Key points in the book are put into perspective by Mr. Berger's own life experiences; and he chooses to distribute them throughout the book. However much of the content displays essays, quotes, studies and stories from others as well. Being that Mr. Berger's academic background is in art [as oppossed to Black/African cultural studies], so the text is not bogged down with filler, academia-flavored jargon. Although he recounts of various anti-semitic incidents he himself experienced; he does not really imply that just because someone has experienced anti-semitism, he understands the racism that Black people experience. He seems to be illuminating the fact that despite his keen awareness of anti-semitism, he too fell into the trappings of "White Advantage" (as opposed to "White Supremist") thinking. At first it seems striking that it is his Ashkenazi, light brown-haired, blue-eyed father who acknowledges the injustices suffered by Black people and not his Sephardic, dark-skinned mother - who lauded the murder of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. and peppered her speech with sneering references to schwartzes. Despite the portrayals of Mrs. Berger being utterly repulsed by Black people, I personally could not see her as a villian. She herself was discriminated against in Yiddish theatre (where she worked as an actress before marriage) as well as life in general solely because of her looks. She is reminicent of the grandmother of a family friend of mine; this woman was half Black, half White, but married a White man. One of her sons, who for all intensive purposes looked white, married a Black woman. The family friend is a result of that union; and he and his brother are the only grandchildren that look Black by appearance. He remembers going over to his granparents' home and while his White grandfather was perfectly loving and cordial to them, their grandmother used to call them "dirty nappy-headed niggers" when they would misbehave and make them eat on the porch if their other "White" cousins were also visiting. These women are not villians but victims of a system that has indoctrinated them to feel ashamed of their "tainted blood"; and project that shame and hate onto others who are perpetuating that flawed status by just existing.

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So what makes this book any different from the dozen others I have on similar subject matter? Probably because the context of the racism presented is very common; almost sublime - but very obviously wrong. An excellent example is where he recounts how on the television program Nightline in 1996, there was a segment done on "Race in America". In one situation they took a room of middle-class White people and asked them to place themselves in the following scenario:
The government, and not your family/genes determines what race an individual is. One day, a government agent contacts you and says that they made a mistake; you were really suppossed to be a Black person. However the government is willing to compensate you, if necessary, after making "the switch" and to adjust to your new life. How much would you want to be compensated?
Needless to say, the responses were either not straight, refusal ("I just wouldn't do it") or outlandish (one man said he would need 50 million dollars). Such a suggestion made it clear that these "open-minded" White people saw being Black as a disadvantage; and a big one at that. I think that some of them would have rather amputated a limb.

Another good snippet was the one given by Shirley Verrett, a talented Black soprano singer was brought to Europe to perform an opera piece from the Baroque Era. Trained at The Juillard School, she inherently knew to embellish her singing with notes not written in the score because they were implied for all vocal opera music of that time period. During the rehearsal, the conductor/director interrupted the piece and announced "Ms. Verrett is not singing the music as it is written". He then went and conferred with the other [White] European singers to ask them if they were familiar with the music ever being performed that way. They admitted they didn't know; so Ms. Verrett was allowed "her own interpretation" but the conductor has already shown that he held little fate in her expertise (he never conferred with her directly to ask why she was singing the piece that way) but ultimately saw it as "no big deal". Would this have ever happened to Pavarotti?

After the performance, the critics raved. And one even pointed out that it was the first time in many years that that heard the music sung in the correct manner.

And there are many more very poignant examples of this subtle yet damaging attitude among many White people to not give any undue attention to the problems present in the relationship between Black and White people. Adrian Piper was also highlighted in the book. She is an artist who although she can be taken for a white woman, considers herself Black by virtue of her mixed-race father. She has been in the situation far too many times where snide, off-color comments are said about Black people or other minorities. The guilty parties seem to take for granted that among White people, there is either agreement or tacit tolerance of a "harmless slur" shared among friends. That is until Denise passes "her card" to them. The card reads:

Dear friend, I am black. I am sure that you did not realize this when you made/laughed at/agreed with that racist remark. In the past, I have attempted to alert people to my racial identity in advance. Unfortunately, this invaiably causes them to react to me as pushy, manipulative, or socially inappropriate. Therefore my policy is to assume that white people do not make these remarks, even when they believe that there are no black people present, and to distribute this card when they do. I regret any discomfort my presence is causing you, just as I am sure you regret the discomfort your racism is causing me....

(*Sidenote: I am sure that many Jews can relate to this; although being that Jews are only a fraction of what Black people are population-wise, as well as the fact that Jews are not as assulted nearly as often in the media and print, the problem does not seem to plague Jews as much as it does Black people)

When Ms. Piper talked about her card at a symposium the reaction was [to me] surprising. Many of the White attendees either got quite defensive or criticized Ms. Piper directly; with support, if given, was vague. They called it "humiliating", "deceptive", "embarrassing" and that Ms. Piper "feels jaded" in some way. Their train of thought was almost tangible. They could see themselves getting one of these cards. They don't see verbage exchanged between White people, even if it includes stereotypes against Black people, as something they should be reprimanded for. What about how your words are affecting you? How about the thought that the more slurs you reiterate in "safe settings" the more insincere you are when dealing with Black people face-to-face. Or is that of no concern to you? After all, you are not hanging up a sign over a water fountain reading, "Whites Only". You just quietly assume that you lost out on a job offer not because you were lacking in anything; but because the Black woman who got the job instead was needed to make a quota.

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Jews have had a great track record with civil and social rights in America. Mr. Berger is helping to carry on that tradition, but it seems as if the days of Jews comfortably identifying and supporting Black American's inequity are behind us. They say (and I have no idea who "they" are!) that it is because of Black Anti-Semitism and bridge burning. Perhaps. But I but you that it also has to do with more tolerance of White Jews among non-Jewish White people. Mr. Berger's father is a great case in point. Because mental illness disrupted his professional career significantly, they were poor and lived in the public housing projects. Forget about them being accepted by the White mainstream; they were only marginally accepted by their Jewish peers; constantly appealing for tzedaka and Hebrew school scholarships - they were outcasts. Just like the Native Americans banded with Black people in the 19th century because they were all at the bottom of the totem pole anyway - fighting over the same crumbs. But somewhere along the line (and many intermarriages later), Jews became not so "dirty" and more "interesting" and appreciated for adding to America's diversity. Plus the shtetl walls were being broken and non-Jewish White people saw that Jews didn't have horns and hook noses; but looked quite similar to Italians. Hmmmm...no so bad. Ok, your in the club. Don't go near the VIP room; but you're in.

After waiting so long in the rain and cold - why be concerned with those who were not "worthy enough" to be chosen along with you?

Ultimately, it's a shame; because Jews are in a wonderful position to straddle both worlds. To understand the damage that unfounded assumptions based on race can do. It one thing to have pity on the victims of racism; but another to have clear knowledge that your ancestors also suffered unspeakable inhumanities and crimes committed to them - just because of they way they were born. They wrote about it; struggled to pass this knowledge on so that their descendants can forever know the pain that Jews had to endure. Yet it falls down as a meaningless trinkett if the Jew of today sees no issue with harboring and tolerating thoughts of inferiority of another human being because of their genes.

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So don't be scared. Don't be defensive. Racism unlike your race can be addressed and obliterated; as long as you are willing to acknowledge the problem. You see, the "White Lies" are not the lies told to Black people by White people, but rather the lies that White people tell themselves about Black people; including, "If Oprah Winfrey can be a success without our help, any Black person can!"

Motivation Seminar/Evangelical Meeting Tent

Last Wednesday, I attended a motivation seminar at Bank Atlantic Center in Plantation hosted by Peter and Tamara Lowe. My boss went to them in the past and raved about it. Whatever; company field trip. My expectations were along the same lines as those of a school field trip. Change of environment, mildly interesting, and fueled with sugar and soda in order to keep your energy levels up. The exception was that we were being paid for it; so the seminar garnished a few more brownies points for the "Get Out Of Work Free" card for the day.

That was my expectation. My wishes were that I would actually gain a lot of insight and "insider wisdom" from the industry. What I did not expect was to come out of the day frustrated, uncomfortable, and disillusioned. Sure, there were many good points brought forward, and many talented speakers present including General Colin Powell and Zig Ziglar (who reminded me a lot of my Grandfather with his great combination of wisdom and humour). And before I start listing my gripes, you can reference this article about this seminar (not the same time/location as what I attended; but same song and dance). So what went wrong? I dunno. Several things (that I can pinpoint). Let me list a few - sort of listed in order of importance/negative impact:

1. Peter Lowe and many others referenced the "J." man several times Perhaps I have become "hyper-sensitive" to Xtian preachings; but actually, when I think about it, I am pretty tolerant of Xtian banter on a casual basis. I am in full awareness that American Jews live in a sea of Xtians who have a tenet...a mission to bring in "more sheep into the fold". I have stood at the gas station pumping when a Xtian missionary comes up with their little panthlets. There are Xtians in my office who talk about the goodness of J.C. I even am able to laugh and appreciate some of the religious (as in Protestant Xtian religious) music and comedies from the Black community. However; if I am attending a professional seminar geared towards working professionals in an arena of 40,000 I do mind the Xtian ramblings. Even if Mr. Lowe was willing to just get up their and talk about what J.C. means to him, and how he personally feels that the Xtian faith is a factor of his success; he has crossed the line when he asked the area to "close your eyes; and if you haven't done so already, take the L-rd J__s into your heart...". I was appalled!

While I don't get too hung up or vocal about my own personal politics, it's times like these that I'm glad I am a Democrat. I simply don't trust the thinking of many political conservatives that "right = White, Christian, and Wealthy". While they may be "tolerant" of those who are different - they are the "American Dream". You can applaud diversity and tolerance all you want, but you will remain "the other".

An easy "proof" of this was illuminated in Maurice Berger's book, White Lies. A brillant survey was conducted among White people. They were asked to pretend that they lived in a world where the government (not genes) determined your race. As adults, they got a letter from the government stating that they had made a mistake, and instead of being White, they were supposed to be Black. They had to go in and get their race changed to Black (their "proper" race). But the government said they would be willing to compensate them - if they felt it necessary. The average requested compensation was $10,000,000.00!!! No one declined compensation. What this says is that this "non-racist" White people all felt that being Black was a 'handicap' that they should be compensated for. If this is so, why are the majority of "non-racist" White people oppossed to allotting any sort of preferences and aid to Black people? And they would practically grab up arms if we gave every Black person monetary compensation for the race they were born into! If you asked these people to be transformed into Jessica Simpson, or George Clooney - even without the fame and money, they would probably take that 'as is'. Absolutely brillant experiment and book. When I finish it, I will review it...bli neder.

2. The assumption was there that everyone was interested in how these speakers got rich/successful. While it is true that if you want to become great, you have to study "The Greats". But 8 hours of stories of how you were the most successful, a college dropout, busted the stock market wide open?!?!?! On top of that, the majority of the speakers were selling something else. Like their books/videos, private seminars, software, you name it. It became very apparent just whose 'success' this motivation seminar was for.

3. Stadium mentality. I don't know if there is an official term for it; but I've gone to enough football games to know it when I see it. There is something about sitting in a "room" with 50,000 other people. There is something about the loudspeakers and the feeling of anoynomity and the razzle and dazzle. It invokes the "leming effect". The speakers fed off of that. With all sort of "physical" communicators like pumping up your fist to "break through" you inhabitions; like grabbing the shoulder of your neighbor and leaning to test trust; like dancing to the wipeout - and a slew of other things I did not want to participate in. Not because I'm spiritless, but because such actions was obviously not tzinus. I wrote more notes than anyone, but continued to be a sitting target for the seminar staff/promoters who were walking by and prodding me, "Come on...I have a partner for you right here!" With that smile and that circus player mentality. No regard for my personal comfort or guidelines; just that I was interrupting the flow and not participating.

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I realize that many Jews; even many frum Jews would have been able to sit through that entire seminar and not bat an eye, and be truly motivated by the whole thing. But when I look at how Judaism has changed the focus of my life - it seems totally divergent from the focus of mainstream middle-class America. Sure I enjoy money; sure I want to further my career. But I don't know if I have an "American Dream"; I have a "Jewish Dream" in which 'America' plays a nominal role. In fact, the star of the show is Israel (sorry Colin!). My work is my parnassah; a means to fund my existence and service to Hashem. I do not expect Xtians to keep this same perspective; but even I much as I feel that Hashem gives me every cent that comes my way - I would not bring up that notion at a business seminar. My relationship with the Creator is a personal one. And yes, it does pain me when someone mixes up their spirituality into 'training' that is open to a public audience. That means you did not even think about the considerations of those who do not share your faith.

During one of the breaks, I did notice an older gentlemen who was wearing a yarmulke. He was engaged in busy conversation with fellow collegues. I wish I could have known; could have asked him just how he was getting through all this "motivational talk" peppered with Evangelistic phrases left and right. But I couldn't and just "gave up" and left the seminar 2 1/2 hours early. Well, I was also prompted by the fact that there was no kosher food available - and I was famished.

Be Cool - And Say a Bracha!

I was thinking that I really should purchase and complete a sefer (any sefer) which addresses the topic of brachot directly before making this post. But since I don't know if such will happen before Pesach; I figured I may as well write now - and revist the topic later if necessary.

Over the weekend, while over my Father's house, this topic was "triggered" because he pointed out that I had left a bentcher over there from last weekend. I sort of looked at him blankly since I didn't even realize it. He was surprised I didn't miss it. Truth be told I have bentchers everywhere; in my purse (which is why my purse stays at my desk when I use the restroom or I need to remove the bentcher and place elsewhere while using a public restroom. Always makes going to the mall interesting!), in my car, on my desk, at home (of course), and now at my Father's house. Since I don't have ברכת המזון , מעין שלש, or even בורא נפשות memorized, I need them (or a siddur) handy for every time I eat. But that's just the beginning...

About five [short] years ago, I remember I was over the home of a cousin and she served me and her sister a meal. Now understand I hold my cousin's cooking right up there will my Grandmother's - and my Granmother is no longer living, so it "was" such a treat for me. One second after the plate was set down I had a forkful and it was heading towards my mouth, when I noticed my other cousin had her head bowed and and was silently uttering some sort of blessing before freely partaking in stuffing her face. I didn't quite feel ashamed (I'll explain why in a bit), but I felt very awed. Here is a young woman that I would not describe as religious per say. She's J---- Witness by marriage (was separated at that time) and hardly ever attends religious services. But obviously she had enough respect for the Creator where she knew to offer gratitude before eating her meal. I on the other hand was raised to do the same in my Xtian household; except the blessing I was taught seemed hopelessly juvenille (G-d is great, G-d is good; L-rd we thank you for this food), and you said it as a symbol of manners and showing that you had a good upbringing. Understand that in the Black Protestant practice, "good" prayer involves eyes tightly squeezed shut, spontaneous shouts of "In the NAME of JeeeeSUS!", a strong sing-song voice and maybe even a little bit of weeping. The consensus was that if you just listened to - or held hands with (usually via a large circle of everyone in the attendance at the time) someone who had such talents; that was more than enough blessings to go around for you youself to eat. Besides, Reform Judaism did mention anything about saying a blessing before eating. You had kiddush for your Shabbat meal, but that bracha specifically said "...for the fruit of the vine". There was no encouragement to be so "anal" as to make a blessing before eating anything.

Hahahaha...if only I knew - eating isn't even half of it!

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The Sages of the Jewish Nation (of blessed memory) teach that Jews should say 100 brachot per day...

Close to the end of my involvement with my old Reform congregation, the Rabbi there distributed a printout listing his morning routine of blessings. This printout included מודה אני as well as the שמע and a few lines from ברכות השחר. Never in my life had I recited blessings in the morning before (before bedtime yes, but in the morning no). It felt surprisingly natural and invigorating. Funny I would recite these blessings before embarking out to work; well after I ate breakfast. That was two years ago.

Today, my mornings go more like this:

1) Open eyes (sometimes it takes 2 or 3 attemps!) and say מודה אני.
2) Roll out of bed and perform negel vasser. Do "my thing". Wash my hands. Go out to my living room where I keep my siddurim (making sure to find my slippers, since it's not respectful to say brachot barefooted*)
3) Recite אשר יצר (no נטילת ידים, since it's a vain bracha for non-Jews**).
4) Go shower dress, hair, brush teeth - all the good stuff.
5) Back to the livingroom (I don't keep siddurim in my bedroom*) to recite ברכות השחר.
6) If I'm running early, I will also recite [some of] פסוקי דזמרה and go right into davening שמע and שמונה עשרה. If I'm "on time" (usually the case) I drive to work and daven in the office.
7) I then recite my daily allotment of תהלים.

After this I then make my way to our coffee machine and our company's stash of chocolate biscotti. It is now a good 2 hours after I have arisen, sat through traffic (and avoided various "wandering creatures" along Biscayne Blvd. - local joke), unlocked the office, davened and finally I get to put something in my stomach. Even still - the instinct is there to pause 4 seconds to recite " בורא מיני מזונות " over my biscotti.

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Brachot, like kashrus, is a tangible action that encloses Torah-observant Jews into their own world. What started out as "no big thing" has grown into an action that leaves the non-initiated a bit bewildered. Understand that I used to stare at a food, take out my NCSY/OU "Guide To Blessings" and look for the corresponding bracha (I still have to do this - for foods I don't eat too often, like popcorn {which is האדמה by the way}), and then eat. Through observation I learned that food has an 'order' by which they need to be eaten (still not expert at this concept; try to eat what ever item has grain in it first). Only after time did I add the brachot for after eating as well.

There are also various brachot for other human experiences. From going to the restroom, to seeing the ocean (which I admit - it's a crime, I don't see too often, and I live a whole 10 minutes away from the ocean!). I remember when Aish brought in Rabbi Pliskin, shlita and it was my first opportunity to say " שחלק מחכמתו ליראיו ". But I must admit I felt a bit odd; in that while others had stood upon his entrance - I didn't see any brachas being said, and maybe I was being a bit too machmid

Even now I feel a bit uncomfortable when I pull out my bentcher after eating and take 4 minutes (yes it takes me that long)"to bentch". I'm not uncomfortable because I am ashamed to be so openly religious; I'm uncomfortable because I don't wish to make those around me feel bad. At work, although my company is Shomer Shabbos, there are no other frum Jews in my department - I found that at group lunches I open the bentcher on my lap and then it's not so obvious. A couple times, however, others have started talking to me because they didn't realize what I was doing. Then they apologize; then I feel bad. I don't like to exercise the leniency of waiting 72 (or is it 79?) minutes after you eat to bentch; because then I'll forget altogether.

Like many observant Jews (I guess) I don't talk a lot about the things I do and/or why I do them. I definitely don't get into theological discussions (although once I was very tempted to do so when a Catholic co-worker stated that she believes that the majority of Xtians today are genetic decendants of Abraham Aveinu). Needless to say, you soon start looking like a "nut"; touching mezuzot, bentching, not touching the opposite sex, not digging into the cake someone baked. But I have been simply amazed at how respectful and gracious my co-workers have been. Everyone knows that my door is always open, no matter what, and that if it's shut, then I'm davening and not even the receptionist will do as much as transfer a call my way.

On the inside I struggle a bit; between wanting to...no needing to voice gratitude to the Creator for the miracle of life and living and his marvelous creation, and making others feel bad for not being as devout. How much I wish I could give out a handbook which basically states, "Jews have this obligation, but others do not - please don't feel bad!". Obviously saying such is not the most considerate thing, so I remain tacit unless asked directly. I keep failing to remember that I myself did not feel bad when I saw my cousin silently engaging in blessings before eating. That was 5 years ago. I know I did not feel that then; but the person I am now can not re-create that reaction. Now if I don't take the opportunity to say a bracha I feel like a child feels when he steals from the cookie jar. Welcome to the world of Torah observance: a keen sense of your actions and the cause and effect thereof. It really is an amazing way to experience life!

* - as suggested in Rabbi Fuch's, shlita sefer, Halichos Bas Yisrael.
** - this was a poskin from my Rabbi; may or may not be suggested in the case of others!

Jewish Fridays - (Rabbinic Dispute In Chicago)

From The Jewish Press

Efforts by the Merkaz Harabbanim of Chicago, that city's oldest organization of Orthodox rabbis, to set up a bet din to deal with conversions has triggered a battle royale with the Chicago Rabbinical Council (CRC), a younger Orthodox organization but long active in the conversion area.


According to sources close to the Merkaz, the older group decided to enter the conversion field because the CRC did not maintain a bet din kavuah, or standing bet din, for the purpose. Experts in the conversion field say that an ad hoc system is inadequate because of the intricacies of the process and the need for great expertise on the applicable laws and practices.

The sources also said that for many decades, non-Orthodox clergy were enlisted by the CRC to sit on conversion bet din panels despite halachic provisions to the contrary. And acceptance of the responsibility to observe the requirements of halacha, the sina qua non of valid conversions, was, according to the sources, not always insisted upon by the panels.


Another problem is that the CRC continues to list among its members clergy without Orthodox credentials or those who have congregations with mixed seating or without a mechitza.

Contacted by The Jewish Press, CRC executive director Rabbi Moshe Kushner dismissed the notion of a rabbinic organizational dispute, but did not deny the gist of the Merkaz source's comments.

Although it's generally agreed that the objectionable practices ceased once Rabbi Gedaliah Dov Schwartz assumed the post of av bet din of the CRC twenty years ago, and while he recently formed a bet din kavuah, Merkaz sources say the CRC has not done all it could to rectify problems stemming from past conversions.The Jewish Press has also learned from sources close to the Israeli Chief Rabbinate that Rabbi Schwartz, who also serves as the av bet din of the Rabbinical Council of America's Beth Din of America, continues to issue certifications, or ishurim, for conversions across the country in which he has not personally participated. In some of those cases, non-Orthodox clergy sat on the conversion panel. Several of the cases were recently rejected by the Chief Rabbinate notwithstanding Rabbi Schwartz's certifications.

Rabbi Schwartz did not return a call seeking comment.

This is for "F.Y.I." purposes only; shared with no intents of lashon hara or to undermine the validity of anyone's gerus which was overseen by the CRC